Joan-I was always content to let my husband make most decisions. As the disease progressed I had to take over EVERYTHING. By that point all records were a mess and I had no idea where anything was. Bit by bit as bills came in I was able to piece things together. I am very proud of myself that I was able to take over control of our lives. No-it wasn't want I wanted but what I had to do. Now I try to help new widows learn how to do the same. There was a movie called the Boca Club about the same thing=funny movie but very close to home.
One woman I talked to one day made a very funny comment. She told me that "now she was in control and she loved it".
My husband is 23 years older than me and I always knew that there was a strong chance that I would eventually be left on my own so I insisted on being part of many of our decisions. I am so glad I did that. Participating all these years has helped me a lot when it comes to making decisions and choices on my own. Its still scary and there are a lot of times I feel so very ignorant but I am learning that I can.
I agree with the statement though that it is lonely at the top. Alzheimer's was not even a thought when we first started going out. I always figured he would die of a heart attack or maybe cancer. Was I ever wrong on that one!
Joan, my husband served two tours of duty in Vietnam - the first time we had three small children: 1, 2 1/2 and 4; the second time we had four children: 5 months, 5, 6 1/2,and 8. Having to take care of all the bills, the house, the car, small children, and worrying that my husband was going to be killed on a daily basis was much worse than this. I managed everything from the first tour on. My husband never wanted the checkbook and did not ask for it back when he came back after the first tour - he was happy that I did it all. He always had cash in his wallet and a credit card, so he could always get anything he wanted. We are both very conservative. We had made a deal after we were married that anyhting that cost less than $100 we didn't need to discuss; anything over $100 we would make a joint decision to buy and if one said no, then we didn't get it. He picked the first car, I picked the second car, he picked the third car - then we both had to have our own cars - I had to have a station wagon by then! <grin> We truly had a joint partnership with the financials. Even when I made more than he did, he was happy that WE had more to spend. <grin>
I know with more modern couples that each has their own checking account and each takes some of the bills. I don't see how that works, but everyone to their own program in life. A lot of husbands prefer to have that control, and frankly I would have liked for my husband to do it because it is a pain in the patuti (as long as I would have had a credit card), but then I would have to be doing it now anyway, so I just learned to do it earlier than a lot of wives.
As bluedaze had to learn the hard way to take over, a lot of widows have it all thrust in their faces all at once. At least with AD, it is more one step at a time. I have never felt guilt about my decision making. It has always been and will always be with us and our best interests in mind. Yes, it is VERY lonely.
As our marraige progressed My husband made more and more decisions on his own. Sometimes I think maybe it was the disease at work. For example, 3 years ago he bought a car w/o my input. It was a car I had to drive because he was already not working and we were down to one car. He only drove it a couple of months before I took his license away. Then there were the garage doors. He went out and bought them w/o my knowledge. So now I don't mind making decisions and being in control. It is so much better than being in the dark.
I too miss someone else helping to make decisions. I drove myself silly trying to decide if we should sell our house & buy a condo. Stupid as it sounds I would ask my husband what he thought we should do. The man couldn't decide what food he would like to eat or even what shirt to wear that day, let alone whether he wanted to move to a condo. I am always trying to do the right thing...as my son says "I am a pleaser" I kept worrying if it was the right thing, then one day I decided it probably would be the right thing to do for me in the future. I still after a year wonder if it was the right thing. I always have taken care of the bills & etc. so at least I never had that worry dropped in my lap. If the shoe had been on the other foot, my husband would have had no idea what should be paid or when. I am also kind of a control freak, that is not really a good thing when dementia is involved. I always have said in the winter, that I shovel snow because I can't control the weather, however, I can control whether my driveway is cleared. BUT, I can't control dementia with a shovel.
We made the decision 4 years ago to build a new home on property we bought for that purpose 25 years ago. One of our daughters had decided to build herself a new home on the lot next to ours. The pros were at the new site our garden, which is the only hobby my husband has had would be accessable easily for him. Less buildings to take care of. Our daughter moving next door so she can help us easier. If we didn't do it then we would never be able to do it. The cons included our Neuro saying we should not move him because it would make him more confused, however our MD said to go ahead, we didn't have our old one sold (still don't), I know nothing about building a house. He would have had to stop gardening the year we built the new house.
We proceeded, and I found out how much worry and stress there is in building a hew house, garage, road , utilities, landscaping, dealing with contractors. Our new house is handicap accessable including all 3' doors, wide hallway, grab bars, a garden on the same level as our yard that he has been able to putter in for 3 seasons. This season will be his last at doing anything in the garden. I am thankful we did the move but am glad it is all over because the stress was something again. Had he been further declined then, as now, I could not have done it. We both love the new place and would really love it more if we could sell the old place.
I've never had any trouble making decisions at work, that just kind of comes naturally.
I quickly found out when my first husband died that it's one thing to run million-dollar projects and talk about overruns in the tens of thousands here and there at work, and another thing entirely to face a few hundred in personal obligations at home. Even when I have more than enough money to cover something, I can still get palpitations. It is such a shock when the person you counted on to be there, to take care of you, is just ... gone. And you're all by yourself, and have to do everything yourself. It was such a struggle, it was so very frightening. (I can't begin to imagine what it must be like for wives who don't work outside the home, suddenly finding out they have to earn a living but don't know how, never had to before.) Then you start to realize how much trouble you'd be in if you became seriously ill. I got a bad case of hepatitis, the doctor was trying to tell me I needed to stay home and rest for three months. Yeah, right.
My second husband and I had very different areas of expertise, at home as well as at work. We complimented each other, rarely overlapped. He did his thing, I did mine. We'd talk with each other about everything, so he knew about any major decisions I was making and vice versa; and we both felt free to comment, and sometimes our conversations affected the decisions to be made. But I had enough on my plate that I didn't have time to learn the details that went into his decision-making in "his" areas of responsibility. Besides, he was an expert -- I could never learn all that he knows.
Well, I've had to get on a very steep learning curve. It's not that I CAN'T do what needs to be done, or learn enough to make solid decisions ... it's that I'm used to being able to talk about it with him. I still try. Sometimes he offers a useful tip (like when I was buying a new car for the first time...) Sometimes he can't follow what the discussion is all about, and he (being a guy, which means he has to solve every problem) tells me how to do everything but the topic at hand. Dumb me, I keep trying to get him back on track. Sometimes, he gets really upset because I'm upset and he doesn't know what to do for me, and I feel bad that I've brought up a difficult subject. I should know better, but it's such a strong habit.
But you know, this is very different from the situation when my first husband died. Then, I was only responsible for ME. If I made a bad decision, well, I was the only one who had to live with it. To have the responsibility for my husband's well-being in my hands is something else entirely. I'm terrified all over again. So far, I'm doing okay because we can still ... sort of ... talk. It's going to be really bad when we can't do that any longer.
I believe its imperative that all spouses know how to run the household and financials. disaster can strike at any time and each of us should be proficient enough to carry on with/without the partner who actually performed those duties. i just saw my SIL struggle and go thru so much stress as she had to take over the responsibilites of running her own house now as her DH passed last july. she was oblivous to where /how much money they had, insurances/billpaying. etc it was so hard to watch her suffer. luckily i have always been in charge of finances and running the household and managed without much problem when DH was dx. but having to do things like caulking, painting, minor repairs, car issues, well that was hard and i still hate it.:) but you do what you gotta do..and keep your humour up if you can, divvi
Divvi, I agree that it is important that all spouses know how to run the household and financials. I was never willing to give up my own check book just because I wanted to keep in practice.
As far as repairs, yes, he did most everything and dealt with the contractors that we needed to do the work - for the next part - find and know a good handyman/contractor that you can trust. I could not have survived without the one helping me as I learn how to do the fixit stuff.
I always handled the money and paid the bills, so this was not a big deal for me. He had his own checkbook, but over time he just forgot how to use it and I had it closed. It has been so long since Lynn was able to make a major decision, I truly can't recall when I learned to stop going to him for advice, on anything. That was the hard part, losing the connection, the team.
LOL Divvi, I agree , learning how to do house and car repairs were much harder for me. But, I can now put up sheetrock, repair damaged walls, change an electrical outlet, replace a toilet, fix a lawnmower belt, change the oil in the car....etc etc .. all alone. Though at first it was terribly sad, and overwhelming. Now, I take great pride in it. I am women hear me roar! LOL
I don't mind making the decisions - my husband was in the military and deployed a number of times. I had to run everything then. Taking charge is not my issue - it is the "companionship" of having my pilot or I guess in this case - co pilot there to share and discuss. The decisions would probably be the same but loneliness is part of the process for me in that area. At times I think I will go talk something over with him and then I remind myself that isn't our area of strength right now and sometimes it brings on those mood swings and decisions on his part that don't make good sense. Thanks for all the sharing.
We have always discussed everything. You name it and we talked it over. It was not unusual for us to blab away for 2-3 hours at a time, nursing a pot of coffee. Now, there's no conversation, not much communication. He talks but his talking is mostly repetitive comments. He always paid the bills and I reconcilled the bank account--that type of stuff.
Now I pay all the bills, do the income and property taxes, make all appointments, ordered new vinyl windows, a new roof, new cabinets, new counter tops, new tile, new carpeting....I show him the samples and he just looks at them and says he knows I'll pick out something nice. Or, he'll say "you just pick out what you want."
Guess how much I know about windows, roofing, tile, etc. Nada. Well, I'm learning.
He has decided not to drive. I'm glad. I told you I don't drive either so, that means we're going to be taking the bus. We have quite good transportation out here. you just have to be careful not to miss the bus because you'll have to wait an hour (like we did today.) It was me who made the decision for me to not drive. It was me who made the decision for him. I was the one who called the neuro and the GP. And now it's me who's setting up our bus trips to the library, grocery store, church, etc.
I am going to get really good at this. Just you wait and see. But first I'm going to get one of those little timers that you can carry in your pocket. Don't know what they're called, but I'll find on.