JOAN’S BLOG – WED/THUR, MARCH 23/24, 2011 – IGNORE?

One of the first pieces of advice that I received in relation to my husband’s Alzheimer related behavior was – IGNORE IT. The year was 2007; he was deep into arguing, raging, and shouting blame at me for everything. All marriages have their screaming matches, and ours had its share, but it was the exception, not the rule.

Generally, we were able to talk, compromise, and make up – before Alzheimer’s Disease. Now, he had Alzheimer’s Disease, which, I was told, made him immune to reasoning, but every insult and rage directed at me was a wound felt deep in my heart. When the social workers advised me to “IGNORE IT”, I was the one filled with rage. How could they not understand that if I ignored him, I was destroying the loving, rational part of our relationship? Spouses who love each other discuss problems, work them out, solve them, and forge a stronger bond because of it. In my mind and heart, ignoring him would be slamming the door on our life together. It took almost 2 more years, and much more heartache, before I realized that Alzheimer’s Disease had won the first battle. I stopped arguing with him; I stopped arguing with the social workers; I ignored his rages and quarrelling. A stilted calm took over our home and relationship. Piece one of our life long relationship gone – working out our problems together.

Next were my ill fated attempts at explaining how things worked to him. One day, not long after we moved into our new villa, Sid was confused as to how to work the air conditioning thermostat. He insisted on pushing the buttons in the opposite direction, which would have raised, not lowered, the temperature. My teaching instinct took over, and I patiently explained, with the help of visual aids that I had drawn, how the thermostat worked. I thought I was helping him. He became angry, belligerent, and the entire incident deteriorated into another yell fest. When I discussed it with my social worker, I received the advice that was to become standard. If he is unable to do something, IGNORE IT, and do it yourself. Piece two of our life long relationship gone – helping each other out with things one of us does not understand.

There was a period of time when my negative answer to one of his requests resulted in childlike pouting and the silent treatment. Although his memory was failing at that time, it was not as bad as it is now, so he was able to remember why he was angry with me, which resulted in a long period of pouting – often an entire night into the next day. Once again, I was told to IGNORE IT. How does a spouse ignore that? In our previous life – before AD- if one of us behaved childishly, one of us would break down quickly - apologize, hug, kiss, and make up. Piece three of our life long relationship gone – the understanding of behaving badly, admitting it, and making up.

Lately, my 68 year old husband has taken to whining. Constantly. It is still my contention that he should be doing for himself, what he is able to do, because there will come a time when he is not able to do anything. He does not see it that way. Whenever I ask him to take the breakfast supplies – juice, yogurt, bread – out of the refrigerator, and put them on the counter for his breakfast, he whines, groans, and moans about his back and knees hurting; how difficult it is for him to get going in the morning, how tired he is, how……..on and on and on………..with more whining. If I ask him to get out of his recliner and get a drink from the refrigerator, because the doctor says he needs to move, he whines and complains. If I ask him to fold the towels while he is sitting in his recliner, he whines.  Rather than try to reason with him – that idea was retired 2 years ago – I have been told to IGNORE HIM. Piece three of our relationship gone – living with a 2 year old child instead of an adult husband.

In the end, I find that the advice of ignoring our spouses’ Alzheimer behaviors results in the continued erosion of our marital relationship. By the time we finish ignoring every Alzheimer behavior, the transition from spouse to caregiver will have been complete.

MESSAGE BOARD TOPIC: IGNORE?

©Copyright 2011 Joan Gershman 
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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