I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read today's blog. The main reason for this website is to help spouses discuss and deal with issues that are unique to spouses of Alzheimer patients. I think today's blog addresses one of those issues head on.
Joan at least you knew what was going on. I went through all of these stages thinking it was me that was making DH so mad and unable to love me. It wasn't until last year that the truth came out. It was not me, it was AD. But by then it was to late. So much damage was done. I don't know what is better, knowing why it is happening or not knowing why it is happening. Either way it sucks!
Don't you love it when people say "Ignore it." As if it is something you can just turn on when you need it! Sometimes your LO will not let you ignore it because they go on and on. Ask me how I know :-O
Joan, this is yet another blog that hit me right between the eyes. This is another thing (of many) that people cannot even imagine. They think that your husband is still here, so why is this bothering you so much? It's bothering us so much because our spouses are not still "here".
Every day there is another reminder that the person I am living with now is not really my husband. The person who was my husband is already gone, and a stranger inhabits his body. This is especially difficult in the stages when they appear okay to other people, and you know that in every way possible, they have already changed so much. Even when they put their arms around you, it feels different.
During the "before" stage of our marriage, we worked and worked at forging and keeping the marital bond. I realized some years back that my job now is to let go, little by little. It's sort of like flying a kite, when you let out more and more string, and the kite gets farther and farther away, and then you run out of string, or the string breaks, and you can't get the kite back. Oh, that it could be a kite and not my husband.
I think, in view of the situation we are living in, it's a miracle that WE can still form coherent sentences and appear normal to the world—although, from watching other caregivers and hearing comments from family members, usually the changes in us are more obvious in the initial stages. We are visibly exhausted and stressed and overwhelmed, which many times our spouses are not. And when you are worn down to where your last nerve is exposed, it's really hard to ignore….anything. It's awfully easy for someone else to say to ignore all these things. It's not their spouse. They haven't spent a lifetime living with them and loving them. Our heart grieves each one of these changes. It's hard to ignore that. And the next day there's another change….
I am just now, facing the facts that my husband is no longer a husband, and because of all the hard feelings and words that were said before I knew what was going on, the marriage no longer exists.... So I agree, Ignoring this mess is not going to happen and I get mad when I am shamed into thinking that I am NOT doing the best I can for him.... And to be told how normal he is... He is programmed to say the right thing at the right time and outsiders eat that up, therefore making me a bad person..My gosh, just in one days time, trying to dicipher anything he's trying to say and make sense of it all is a fete by itself...Not sure if at the end of the day, I can be considered coherent....I have a little saying on my desk.."If Not for Stress, I'd have no energy at all... NOW, that my dear friends says it all...
Joan, I have to go back and read this blog again and again...So much has changed and day before yesterday I had a regular meltdown and at the end of it wondered to myself if I should just take off my wedding rings. I never thought that before but there IS NO real partnership anymore of any kind anymore. No one but folks here understand this.
I've learned "Ignoring" pretty well--not perfectly, but getting there. . . . And then there's "Why do you put up with...?" or "How can you put up with...?"
Yesterday, DH told me that he realized why his mother hates him. (I covered this is another discussion.) He said that it is because he is old and ugly. He is 57 1/2. He said that I must hate him also because he is ugly and he can't understand why I keep him around. He wants me to buy him a mask to wear when he is around me so that I don't have to look at him. In the meantime, he wants to find his hunting hat with a face mask to wear.
How do you ignore this? And DD doesn't see anything wrong.
Mary In Montana, From what you are saying I would be reluctant to ignore remarks like that only because it sounds like he is dangerously depressed. Is he on meds?
Joan, that is the same thing that I am living with, LEARNING how to IGNORE the things he does OR doesn't do anymore. Instead of behaving like a wife should be able to towards her husband we can't do that. I have found out that the sooner that we learn that the better off we will be. The only problem is, like you said, pieces of our marital relationship is gone. I honestly don't see any way around that. The only other option is to make yourself mentally and physically sick by making an issue out of everything. I (with the help of a little white pill) am learning how to do that. I hate having to resort to having a caregiver non wife role but what can you do. I always wondered how I could act the way a wife was suppose to and calmly sit my husband down like an adult and talk to him like an adult and share with him how I feel, LIKE AN ADULT. I can't, I can't, I can't and that is just the way it is. I hate it but what ya goina do!
phil4:13, no meds for this or anything else other than his pit tumor. It's hard to say what is causing this behavior, with FTD some pretty strange things can happen. With the reasoning button so broken, this is what a 3-year old would do. For me, having this sort of thing come up is not unusual. It's a good example of the kind of thing that I need to ignore until it passes.
deb42657, I did try to "sit with him like an adult" last night. He finally ended the conversation by telling me that he didn't want to fight about it and he did not want to discuss it anymore. May be by tonight, he will have forgotten about it and the subject will be closed.
The usual suppertime antics tonight. I always let him eat his supper on a snack table in the den in front of the TV. No sense in sitting down to the table and expecting dinner conversation. So I told him to come into the kitchen to get his soup (he just puts it on his walker seat, and goes back to the den). Whine, whine, whine, whine- I just came from the kitchen; my back hurts; my this hurts; my that hurts; whine, moan, groan, and more whining. I took a DEEP breath, talked to myself, turned around, and ignored him. He came into the kitchen. I consider age 62 (me) too old to be dealing with a 2 year old. But, as deb said, "what ya gonna do?" Learn not to argue; learn to ignore; learn to live without your husband.
Depending upon or LOs age, ignoring them could end up as elder abuse..in other circumstances it is abuse just the same.
There is no ignoring the irritating things like answering the same questions a million times or the constant urging them to brush the teeth, change the clothes, help with the little things they still can but won't...and then how do we ignore the thoughts that creep in again and again about how things used to be..like the times he would run the errands, or the camping trips when we see an ad on tv for some product or how about those romantic holidays that always seem to be for the 20 somethings anyway..but those kinds of trips we know we won't take anymore..how do we ignore that? These people in the "normal world" including the so called social workers can go pound sand unless they have walked in our shoes.
Even our own kids will stupidly say...when he asks the question over again, for the 10th time, just pretend it is the first time..in our world there is no pretending....except for the times we might pretend things are normal !
MsAbby, what ever works is what we should do, and that could and probably will change as time goes on. What use to work for me no longer works as his dementia gets worse. I hope no one would think that by "ignoring" my DH that I am being abusive but a certain amount of ignoring is important for my pshyci! My caregiver responsibilities would NEVER allow me to be abusive. This disease is abusive enough, for both of us.
When we ignore them, we are not ignoring their care or refusing to help them....we are ignoring their whining, the crabbiness, and the incessant questions.....if you don't ignore part of that you are going to go nuts.
Wow, what one day will bring. Today, DH is so kind, I'm beautiful, softspoken on the phone, Can't wait for me to get home, etc. Not a mention of the mask, and not a harsh word all day. He even called son and his brother. This too shall pass, but I will enjoy it while it's here.
Just my take on ignoring these awful situations... I believe that all of us are doing the best we can and are in NO way being abusive so those of you with that thinking, just CAN it right here and now... Our LO's are getting better care from us than any NH will ever give, yet we stick it out, say nothing, smile when there is nothing to smile at and make their lives comfortable, and enjoyable.., all the while neglecting our needs.. SO, if someone wants to consider my running out for an hour for MYSELF, abusive, then I invite them in to walk my walk, fill my place for a day and see if they don't need 3 days for coffee... Sermon over... Good luck everyone, but continue to go to a place mentally where you can preserve your own sanity..If that means IGNORING their incessant complaints and answering the same question 10 times in the last minute then,,, By all means ignore....Mary, I'm waiting for MY KIND and BEAUTIFUL day....
I'm right there with you. Right now I'm hiding out in my daughter's old room because he has this constant OCD cough that is driving me crazy and is constantly asking for a cigarette. If I don't ignore him, I'm going to be screaming like a lunatic. I think it's better if I ignore, ignore, ignore.....
Have you thought of getting him the e-cigarettes? My son-in-law uses them and he swears by them. He has almost quit smoking by using the e-cigarettes. They are much cheaper then regular cigarettes too.
I had thought about the e-cigarettes. The problem I see with them is there is nothing to let him know when he would be done and he would puff on it all the time or he would refuse to even use it.
Just in case I want to look into them again, what type does your son-in-law use? There are so many different brands, that I don't even know where to start. Thanks.
I cried thru this whole reading... So very much of it applies to me...I don't know how I'll survive?? I try to overlook the barbs, the sarcasim, the pouting as well as the put downs about everything I say and do but I'm not doing very well in this department...regardless of what I do for DH, it is questioned, debated and met with resistance ... DH has knee surgery coming up soon.. We went for Lab and all went well BUT something with his heart requires a stress test.. this will take several hours and because all is not going according to his plan , DH threatens to cancel surgery and indeed, if there is an issue with his heart, then he says he'll do nothing about it... He's always been controlling but the last few years have been unbearable... another thing I've noticed is that he puts ME thru all this resistance and goes on for days on the same subject, but when with the dr., he sits silent, makes no protest and is generally a wimp...How do I ignore THAT??? If I offer an answer, that gets him upset, If I ignore him, that makes him even madder because I'm not saying what he wants me to say...One thing I know, of his own making, he will die an unhappy, bitchy old man...I can't please him on any score and it's killing me. Thanks Joang....You've again shared a part of your life that touches us all..Glad I found you all.. No one else understands like those of us making this journey right now..
Mary in Montana - I wonder if putting a mask on was more for him than you? by putting a mask on he would be someone else - someone without all the problems he has. Something to think about.
Someone brought up that by ignoring their constant whining someone could think it elder abuse. Well, anyone who has raised a child learns to ignore them - or at least I did. When siblings fight, when they whine they can't do or have this or that or watch what they want,etc - we learn to discern what is legit and what is not. I believe we should do the same with our spouses - we learn when it is legit and when it is just whining - as Sid seems to do. I am glad that Joan's sister pointed this out to her - I was always exhausted just reading about how much she waited/catered to Sid and her dad. I am glad she is standing back and looking to see the legit things and those that are not because doing that will enable her to survive this - and may reduce some of her pain. My stress goes right to my neck or lower back - my vulnerable spots. For Joan it is her shoulder -so I would bet the stress just adds more to her painful shoulder.