JOAN’S BLOG – THURSDAY, MAY 1, 2008 – ENTERING THE WORLD OF AD – ANOTHER LESSON LEARNED ABOUT PATIENCE.

I know all of you can relate to losing patience with your spouse, whether it is having to answer the same question 10 times in one day; having to clean up whatever was spilled on the kitchen floor because they either forgot they did it, or were oblivious to the fact that it spilled; cleaning up the flood because they dragged a hose through the house while it was on; going crazy at trying to explain a simple direction as in – water the plants. Whatever it is, we are experts at losing patience. We all wish we could do better.

Last July, I had a driving experience that allowed me to enter Sid’s world for a time, and understand his frustration and fear. Click here to read the amusing account of how I thought I found patience on .

Well, it happened again, and of course, it had to do with getting lost. Due to “familial directionless sense”, it is a situation I find myself in quite often. Last July’s experience taught me how fear, frustration, and confusion can cause rage. My terror at being completely lost, resulted in my angry outbursts  at the very people who were trying to help me. Light bulb moment! That is how my AD husband feels when he is frustrated and frightened, thus his ensuing tantrums.

This time, I learned what a difference a calm, patient voice can make in the way a person reacts to a stressful situation. (Yes, I know all of the caregiver books stress this, but experience is the best teacher)

This is my story: Since July's Turnpike fiasco, I have acquired a new best friend, and her name is GPS Garmin. I use the feminine because the voice on the unit is female. I neglected to mention in the Blogs I wrote about Dr. Teena Cahill’s lecture, that although my Garmin took me there without incident, we had a bit of a disagreement on the way home. I came out of the parking lot, and she told me to take a right. I thought I was supposed to take a left, but what do I know? She’s the expert. So I took the right, but when she then told me to take a left, there was no left to take. I can assure you, if I had been following Mapquest, at this point I would have started to worry. I kept going straight, and in the same, even, calm voice, she said to take another left. No left to take. By the third time there was no left to take, full scale panic would have ordinarily set in. But you know what? Because the voice was so soothing, calm, reassuring, and I TRUSTED her, I did not panic AT ALL. I just kept following her directions, and within minutes, I was back on the road to the highway.

That’s when I got it!  I would have been panicked, more confused, and so furious I could not think, if she had been screaming at me, berating me, and yelling at me – “You missed the turn! You missed the turn! What is the MATTER WITH YOU?  Can’t you follow a simple direction?” – You know that is a common driving scenario with husbands and wives WITHOUT AD – you know it is! When I lose patience and snap at Sid in relation to something over which he has no control, he too, becomes more frustrated, angry, upset, and totally unable to complete the task at hand.

So there you have it – another lesson learned about how it feels to have Alzheimer’s Disease, and the difference our manner of speaking and approaching a difficult situation can make in our spouse’s reactions to it. I only hope I remember it the next time when my husband’s forgetfulness, sluggish response time, and occasional blunders cause me to lose my cool.

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