Today's blog is about another of my driving experiences that resulted in a better understanding of how it feels to be in my husband's AD shoes. I invite you to read it, and tell us if you have noticed the difference in your spouse's reactions and behavior when you use calm and patience over stressful snapping. It seems obvious, but we are often so overburdened and stressed that we just don't have the time or patience to be soothing.
Longyears-FTD is a brain disorder more than going around looking for a fight. My FTD spouse spent hours on the phone trying to find some one to agree with him that it was 11pm rather than the 4pm it really was. I am too familiar with the rages-but it is the disease not the person. I hated my husband for all the heartache he put me through. I wish I had a better understanding of the beast. Now I feel guilty for being angry rather than compassionate. I do understand what you are going through and it is hell.
Another great blog! Thanks! Our emotions and tone of voice are critical. Two of my wife's favorite tasks are clearing the table and putting the dishes in the dishwasher and emptying the dishwasher when the dishes are clean. As we were finishing lunch today, I remembered that I had run a load of dishes that were still in the dishwasher. I opened the door and told her that she needed to empty it first because the dishes were clean. She didn't understand, so when I saw her putting the dirty lunch dishes in with the clean, I said, " No, No, No" and pulled out the dirty ones and tried to get her to help put away the clean ones. She had a hard time figuring out what I wanted. ( She must have had still been in the mind set of clearing the lunch dishes.) Anyway, a little later she said, " You don't like me."
I reassured her that this was far from the truth, but the tone of voice must have had much more of a negative impression than it was meant. Sometimes when I blurt out an expletive over something minor, she gets upset because she believes that something bad has happened. I just have to reassure her that it was nothing serious.
The confusion must be exhausting, particularly when they are aware that they are confused. It reminds me of Socrates who knew that he did not know. In his case this was insight, in our LO's case, it must be very frustrating.
My husband and I have always used humor and teasing in our communication long before AD came into our lives. In the past it wouldn't have been unususal for him to suggest that I was he was being picked on because I expected him to do some little household chore ( especially because we both knew that I did 95% of the household chores) But since AD things have changed .... He is so sensitive to my tone. The slightest change in my tone and he'll say that I am yelling at him. Actually, I have never raised my voice to him. Its more that when I'm tired or trying to get him to understand something my voice probably gets an edge. Because of our history of teasing I haven't really understood that now he means it. He does think I am yelling. How awful, if he thinks I'm angry and doesn't understand why..
I don't know if tone is part of our problem, at least on my side of the equation. I'm going to have to watch and see if it is. It has always been part of his side of it. These days I'm aware that I need to ignore his tone of voice as part of not allowing things to escalate. There is no way for me to make him happy.
What a good idea to remember "our lady in the sky' (what I call my GPS) and how patient she is. I do get mad, especially answering the same question - so I am going to try to remember my GPS and see if that helps. By the way, I sent for the update for my GPS and the 2008 edition has mistakes. The pink line telling me which way to go is right, but there are times she says to go north rather than south or right rather than left. I found the website to document specifics so will try to remember next time that happens and contact Garmin. This is off thread - but I totally depend on 'her' to get me around. The good thing about 'her' is that she patiently gets us turned around since she gets the final destination right.