JOAN’S BLOG – MONDAY, MARCH 18, 2013 – THE CRYING HAS BEGUN

In my last blog, I discussed how my new therapist told me that I needed to grieve the loss of the man I married. Although still living, Alzheimer’s Disease has robbed him of his previ ous personality and abilities. He is no longer the man I married and spent my life with. I knew that. It is what sent me to therapy in the first place – holding back the grief and tears to deal with the daily crises of being an Alzheimer Spouse caregiver was destroying my emotional health. I needed to stop holding everything in and let the tears flow.

However the truth is that listening to a friend cry and complain every time you get on the phone with them gets old very fast. No one, including me, wants to hear crying all of the time.

With that idea in my mind, I made a conscious decision try to handle this grieving process by myself and with one friend who is going through the same thing.

For the last week and a half since I saw the therapist, I have been letting the memories and the tears come. In the midst of the tears, there are smiles as I recall so many of our adventures together.

I cry for the coldness on my back where a strong, warm hand used to caress me for no reason other than love. Then I smile at the memory of us and our new puppy covered in paint as we attempted a living room renovation.

I cry when I remember the “Us-ness” we felt as we frolicked in the backyard pool at midnight not caring about the neighbors. Then I smile at the memory of  him building an extra step at the bottom of our deck, so our elderly, arthritic dog could navigate the stairs more easily.

I cry when I recall his relieved face, covered in tears of joy, as he sat at my hospital bed, upon hearing the news from the doctor that I was not going to die after all. Then I smile when I think about how his fear of heights got him stuck on our roof, trying to fix the satellite dish, and a neighbor had to get him down.

I cry when I think of always knowing I could depend on him to be my total support system in any crisis. He was always there for me to lean on. Then I smile when I remember him holding my hand underwater as we snorkeled in Aruba.

And so it goes. I cry at the losses of who he was and what he was to me, and I smile at the memories of our life together.

Is this how one grieves? I have no idea. I only know that it is what I am doing, and for me, for now, the crying is better than trying to hold it back. How long will it go on? I have no idea. I also do not care. For now, it is helping me cope with the loss of the man who used to be my husband.

Are any of you grieving in this manner? Have any of you found other ways to cope as an “Alzheimer Widow”?  

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2013 All Rights Reserved
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RECENT BLOGS:

The Super Bowl in the Alzheimer House - February 4, 2013 - An amusing look at how my husband with Alzheimer's Disease viewed the Super Bowl.

The Wall is Crumbling - February 11, 2013 - The wall that I have built to protect my pain is crumbling

The First Date and Alzheimer Grief - February 16, 2013 - My husband forgets one of the milestones of our life together.

In Our Shoes - February 25, 2013 - No one else could possibly understand our plight but another Alzheimer Spouse

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