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    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTimeMar 19th 2020
     
    Hi bhv*, we have had e-visits for a long time now. $35 a visit. I've never used it as I can email my dr direct and she will respond, usually the same day, if she wants to see me - or whatever is appropriate.

    Now that CV is spreading and we've had our first death they are being more proactive - even the local shopping mall is closed down. We will see one notice to stay home and in the next few minutes they will say support the airlines, keep the restaurants in business etc - not figured out how we will do both. We have chosen to stay home, as we have that option, but I'm going stir crazy. Not that there is anyplace I need to go but just sitting here is depressing. I don't have any desire to do anything in the house like I did the first couple of weeks. Dh could sit here for the rest of his life, and just might, but I can only do it so long.
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeMar 19th 2020
     
    I am finding the mentality between choosing isolation and forcing it are different. Before I had the option to go out to be around others without really being with them. Now that option is limited. I can still go walk around the grocery store or go through drive thru but that is not the same.
    • CommentAuthorJan K
    • CommentTimeMar 19th 2020
     
    I desperately need advice. Without going into the gruesome details, tonight DH decided to engage in some very risky behavior that endangered both of us. Despite my pleas, and finally screaming and crying and begging him to stop, he was determined to show me that he was right and I was wrong. It's now been quite a while since this happened, and I'm still having trouble typing because my hands are shaking

    I don't want to put DH in a nursing home in the middle of a pandemic. But neither do I want to be injured or maimed because he refuses to listen to reason any more. I don't know what to do. I did tell him that if something like this happens again, I will pack him a suitcase and he will be out of the house forever, even if I have to call the police to make that happen. He didn't attack me tonight, but his behavior could have gotten me injured as severely as if he had.

    Caregivers live with a lot of stress, always feeling like they have to be on alert. But this is different. This could be life-threatening, because as he declines, he's more and more sure that he's right all the time, and he's determined to show me he's right, no matter what.

    I feel like my choices boil down to taking him to a nursing home, which would probably kill him, or keeping him at home and hoping that his behavior doesn't kill me. Boy, where is Solomon when you need him?
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeMar 19th 2020
     
    First question - have you visited memory care facilities and/or put your name on a list? If not, you need to when able.

    I forget where you live but have you also talked to the police regarding if something happens and you need to call them? Most will have a place they can note the person is memory impaired so they don't deal with like normally would. They would probably take him and put him in for a psych evaluation. What is important is for you to be safe. Remember he is dying - you don't want this disease to take two of you.

    If he is placed and has behavior problems like this they will require him to be medicated if they feel he is a danger to self, staff or other residents. If possible might want to find a social worker to help with placement process.
    •  
      CommentAuthormary75*
    • CommentTimeMar 19th 2020
     
    I echo Charlotte's advice and urge you to act quickly on it. It's not right, nor is it expected, that you put yourself in danger.
    • CommentAuthormyrtle*
    • CommentTimeMar 19th 2020
     
    Jan K, My heart goes out to you. I think Charlotte and Mary are right. In the meantime, has your husband's doctor prescribed any tranquilizers for him? My husband took Ativan (generic is lorazepam) as needed and it usually calmed him right down. He resisted taking pills so I would crumble one into some ice cream when he got agitated.
  1.  
    I agree with Charlotte, Mary, and Myrtle. Jan, you can't just keep him home with you without any interventions if he is a danger to himself and others. Pandemic or not, it may be time for placement and/or for some heavier medications to control the behaviors.
    • CommentAuthorRSA*
    • CommentTimeMar 21st 2020 edited
     
    Hello, everyone. It's been a few years since I've visited this community. You all were good to me then, helping me to keep afloat mentally and emotionally. I'm visiting now to thank you.

    My wife died earlier this week. She was in her fourth year at her assisted living facility, cared for by good people. When friends would ask how she was, I'd say something along the lines of "She's fine, but slowly declining."

    When she moved into the home in 2016, I'd visit and bring flowers; I'd cut the stems and she'd put them in a vase. Or we'd handle some of the embroidery pieces she'd made. Or we'd page through one of the memory books I'd made, and I'd tell her stories. Or I'd read to her.

    She seldom spoke, but we still connected. Once in a while. At the end of a visit last year, I asked if I could kiss her on the cheek (I always asked, unsure if she knew I was me). When I did, she patted me on the head. That was the last moment of shared affection, a good memory.

    In February my wife went into hospice care. She'd almost stopped eating and even drinking. The hospice nurses ensured she was comfortable. Two weeks ago the state announced a state of emergency, and her home instituted a policy of no visitors. That seemed the right thing to do. It left me at a distance at the end, but that's life. And death.

    Best of luck in your caregiving.
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeMar 21st 2020
     
    Sorry for your loss RSA but she is now at peace. Here if someone is on hospice they are the exception to the rule - one person is allowed to visit. It sounds like your made some good memories despite the circumstances.

    Take time now to recover - get some rest and take care of yourself. thank you for letting us know.
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeMar 21st 2020
     
    I texted the nurse yesterday. She said he is doing good -she visits twice a week to each facility (Rosetta has 5 in the area). She mentioned using face time but have heard others using it but have not myself. I did ask for pictures - she sent two yesterday. He looks good and happy but then she always gets him to smile. Right now they are on 'no visitors' until at least April 9th - will depend on the governor's orders.

    Was crying afterwards - finally got a big glass of wine I bought a few months ago but never opened. Finally stopped crying!
    •  
      CommentAuthormary75*
    • CommentTimeMar 21st 2020
     
    My condolences, RSA. It's long weary journey. It's time for you to rest now and recuperate.
    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTimeMar 21st 2020
     
    Charlotte, I use FaceTime with my great grandchildren and enjoy it. I can show them the horses, etc. However, I think Art might wonder why he can't see you in the room but can hear you and start looking for you. Of course you could respond to his questions and watch him. May be way off base but just thinking how he's responded in the past when you've left.
  2.  
    So sorry for your loss, RSA. Now there will be the time for grief, of course, but also for you to get some rest and find some peace as you gradually recover yourself and your life. Wishing you all good things as you get through this hard time and start to be able to move forward. So many of us have been there and "get it." Stay in touch if you get a chance.
    • CommentAuthorRSA*
    • CommentTimeMar 22nd 2020
     
    Thank you, everyone. You understand better than most, the complexity of the end.

    I'll see if I have anything to say in the AD Widows and Widowers thread.
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeMar 22nd 2020
     
    I looked into Face Time. It only works on apple products which I don't have, so it would have to be skype or facebook messenger.
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeMar 26th 2020
     
    Good news for those of us on Social Security in the US: the checks of $1200 going out includes going to SS recipients. That is if the house passes the bill then it should take 3-4 weeks, will be auto deposited in our accounts if your SS check is. It is tax free. I have not lost income during the shut down but I am sure we all can find a use for it.
    •  
      CommentAuthormary75*
    • CommentTimeMar 26th 2020
     
    That is good news, Charlotte. This virus is causing lots of problems. Today, I heard it will take until June before things will be back to normal.
    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTimeMar 26th 2020
     
    Gorgeous day here today, made me count my blessings while I was having coffee on the deck, pastures green, horses and cows grazing, daffodils and crab apples in bloom. Couldn't get DH to come out for even a minute. Made me think I have really joined the ranks of the living widows? Married widows? I think Charlotte had a term for it.

    Not sure what this year will bring as he declines. Need some work on the house, just handyman stuff but costs $$ to hire it done. Trying to think what would be the best use of the money I have available, just let it be or use it for repairs? Will get someone to help me take mower in for repair, no use spending a few thousand on a new one. I'm looking into a weed eater I can handle easily. DH cannot handle tools nor understand how to do things.

    A good friend just lost her husband. So hard for those at this time. I think they are going to wait till later and have a memorial service.
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeMar 26th 2020
     
    Yes, 'living widow'. oakridge maybe that check you get will help out. Since there are two of you should be 2 x #1200.

    Went out to pick up RX and a few things - mostly dog treats. She was running low!!!! Took longer than I wanted because Walmart no longer had my RX insurance information. Dumb - guess you have to re-enter it every year. All along I have been paying $10 for my thyroid. Evidently they never use insurance because today it was $3.

    Was nice to get out now back in home. I really need to push myself to do something other than play games.
    • CommentAuthorpaulc
    • CommentTimeMar 26th 2020
     
    I something that looked like a weedwhacker with wheels. If you would like I have an old push mower you can have. Have to warn you that I am using it for parts.
    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTimeMar 27th 2020
     
    Thanks Paul but I'll pass. Got three mowers sitting here that need work or junked and a very good walk behind. Hated to sell the tractor but I can't maintain it, nor could DH, and it wasn't safe for him to take it out. We've got two weed eaters, one gas one electric but I can't handle either one of them. Same with his circular saw, takes me two hands to lift it.

    I've started making a few masks. Have learned if you put a nonwoven, water resistant liner it it they are much more effective. I don't know if I'll wear them but have to go to town tomorrow to pick up med for DH. Dr called out an antibiotic to ensure the bladder infection is cleared up.

    My neice is working ER for the virus. They have tents set up to handle people, she said it's scary. They are converting one whole floor to just handle virus patients - no rooms - like the old wards. Say it will be ready in two weeks or less. Oddly enough, the ones affected locally are in their 20s, not the elderly. Of course we stayed home while they were out partying :) heard on the news tonight the hospital is now accepting reusable cloth masks. Again, like the old days, they can be sterilized and reused. Not for the worst ones but lots of ordinary people have to be there.

    Hope you are staying safe and Leanna is adjusting well.
    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTimeMar 27th 2020
     
    Charlotte I answered you you I got a fatal nonrecoverable error message :) not sure I said but.....lol.
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeMar 27th 2020
     
    Maybe you had taken too long to answer or something. I know that happens to me once in a while usually when I start, take a long time or get interrupted

    Here women are sewing cloth masks for healthcare workers. In fact, one woman has made up kits that people can pick up and make so they don't have to buy material and cut out. They take them to the hospitals after they are done.
  3.  
    Wolf mentioned on another thread that he hoped I was OK. Thank you--all I can say is "so far, so good." The simple life with lots of solitude at home--writing and music, a little drawing, lots of reading, a little TV--stands me in good stead. I love being home alone, and of course, walking the dog four times a day gets me outside for plenty of fresh air and exercise. I miss church and the choir, but find that I am playing the guitar and the harp a lot more. With all the dog-owning neighbors needing to walk their pets, too, there are plenty of people to chat with--at a social distance, of course.

    I came back from Ohio on March 21 after a week supervising the three kids' schoolwork online, and it looks like I'll have to go back for at least a week--maybe more--maybe until the end of the school year--starting April 6, when they return to online school after spring break. I take over the housework, laundry, and cooking, too, and make sure we all get outside for a long, vigorous walk every day. Bandit and the three cats have learned to get along well enough...its kind of like an animal Cold War--a little tense, but no nuclear holocaust. I'd rather be home, of course, but c'est la vie.

    I am still a licensed RN in New York State, and I received the email from the Governor asking if I could come back to work and pitch in if needed--they are forming kind of a "back up" reserve of health care workers who are no longer in the workforce but who might be able to help out Of course I signed up--if I'm not in Ohio I'll be glad to do whatever is needed. This is all contingent on whether or not I'm sick myself, of course.

    Both NY and Ohio are asking people not to travel, but I have a good reason and what I think is a reasonable case, so if I'm pulled over I hope they let me through. I don't think they can constitutionally stop me, but who knows? I'll have to stop at the truck stops for bathroom breaks and gas, but I'm thinking that if I bring road snacks and drinks from home, I won't have to go up to the counter and interact with the cashiers.
    • CommentAuthormyrtle*
    • CommentTime7 days ago edited
     
    RSA, I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife. I'm sure it was even harder on you due to the visiting restrictions.

    Elizabeth, I'm glad you're home for a while and I wish you didn't have to take the risk of driving back to Ohio. I would love to see the Cold War re-enactment. Poor little Bandit!

    P.S. Joan said she'd remove the spam, but I think we'll have to be patient. Not the worst think in the world! Be well, everyone.
    • CommentAuthorRSA*
    • CommentTime7 days ago
     
    Thanks for your thoughts, myrtle. The visiting restrictions made things sad for us. One of my writer friends wrote an essay that included thoughts about my wife, called “We don’t know if we’ll see her again,” below. In some ways it's a blessing in some ways that the end happened before the world became even more complicated.

    https://reliablyuncomfortable.com/2020/03/20/we-dont-know-if-well-see-her-again/
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTime7 days ago
     
    Thanks Robert. I read it then went to the link to the story in the New York Times. Love reading about the adventures you went on around the world.

    https://www.nytimes.com/2014/05/11/fashion/Modern-Love-Promises-That-Can-Bend-Without-Breaking.html?fbclid=IwAR1pxGEDKm0kpbvl1gCWer1DLwEVcNWh0ieBJ8MtfJuefOXViAB5tPRMG84
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTime7 days ago
     
    As for the spam - to keep our conversations at the top I will often just write something if others have not. It helps prevent having to scroll down the page.

    Our weather is OK - will get a cold front come through blowing dust/sand in the air which my sinus do not like. Just when I start waking up without a sinus headache or dripping sinus's because the winds die down and it is warm, another cold front comes through. It also means another layer of dust/sand to clean up inside! That was this morning so woke up with a sinus headache again. Have two more days of winds then suppose to warm up to near 70 by next weekend.
    • CommentAuthorRSA*
    • CommentTime7 days ago
     
    Thanks, Charlotte.

    I remember writing that piece for the New York Times... Time flies so quickly. This past weekend I went through the collection of photographs I keep on my computer, organizing events and memories from the present back to the early 2000s. It was wrenching at times, but in another way it was good, because I ended with memories of my wife as the adventurous and sometimes happy person she was, years ago. So that was worthwhile.
    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTime6 days ago
     
    Elizabeth*....you play the harp. What a beautiful instrument, how did that come about?
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTime6 days ago
     
    Heard today they are talking about extending the 'stay home' until April 30th. That would mean almost two months of not seeing him. Worst is I can't even go visit my friend on the coast because they have shut down all the hotels and staying at her place is not possible - she has bad water and has to haul water.
  4.  
    Oakridge--I had a couple cassettes (remember them?) of Celtic harp music that I used to listen to--just hypnotic--loved that music. And I had played guitar and piano for years, so had some knowledge of music theory. When I retired from my public health position in 2008, I decided to give myself a totally self-indulgent retirement gift, and bought a harp. I started out teaching myself to play it, but did end up taking lessons for four years or so--the harp is a unique instrument, and while you can "play the guitar on the harp" or "play just like playing the piano sideways", you get more out of the music by learning to play the harp properly. Anyway, I have a 36-string lever harp from Dusty Strings in Seattle--so it's American-made. It's an FH36S in walnut, with a Celtic knot inlaid in abalone and some abalone edging on the soundboard. Love that thing. There is simply no more beautiful sound in the world than a harp when it's in tune. You simply cannot make a bad sound on it.
    • CommentAuthorNicky
    • CommentTime6 days ago
     
    Charlotte, I understand how you feel. It's going to be a while for me also before I can visit my husband in long-term care. I've called a couple of times & he's doing fine. As much as I miss visiting him, I know the longer people stay away, the better off they are. Just hoping the virus doesn't hit his residence - it will spread like wild fire.....
    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTime6 days ago
     
    I agree Elizabeth, it's the most beautiful sound in the world, almost like angels singing. i play the piano and have messed a little with the guitar but I like to keep my nails long so never got good. My boys all play as well as my granddaughter. The harp is a magical instrument, just the appearance alone is enough to have one, and yours sounds beautiful.
    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTime6 days ago
     
    Charlotte, we are on quarantine till 4/30 also. Kids began online schooling today, although I heard the younger ones had been sent hands on workbooks. I'd like to use the time to get several things done but not sure I can handle it yet. And the cleaning I can do isn't too appealing, LOL. The weather is warm but very overcast, not a peep of sunshine. Very depressing for me. We've had over twice the normal rainfall this year, and these damp, dreary days just seem to zap my energy.

    In case I haven't mentioned it, I can get my wedding rings on again, I felt naked without them :) Also got my nails done, well I did them myself so they don't look great, but feels good to have some sparkle again. These color street nails are so easy to use, and just nail polish so no uv drying.
    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTime6 days ago
     
    I actually mis-spoke I think. We are not in quarantine, since we do not have the virus. I guess it's called self-isolation? I generally call it house arrest :)
    • CommentAuthorNicky
    • CommentTime4 days ago
     
    I've been very concerned about my husband getting sick with the virus because he's in long-term care - could there be a worse time to be in a facility??? The more I hear about the shortage of gloves & masks, the more anxious I've become. Knowing the workers in the residence may not be able to wear protective gear is extremely worrisome. I know there's nothing I can about it. I've somewhat managed to stay positive at the beginning of all this, but it's getting more & more difficult.

    Since we still have a bit of snow left in the yard, I hadn't been able to work outside until yesterday. I spread the snow around over the grassy parts of the yard to reduce the size of the snowbanks, especially the ones in the shade. Some of those banks are hard & packed - I was digging into those banks like a woman possessed. My neighbour was sitting outside & probably wondering why I was trying to 'kill' the snowbank. Felt good to be working outside. I'm going to work outside again today. When the time comes for raking the grass, I might just remove all the grass if I rake like I was shoveling yesterday.
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTime4 days ago
     
    Nicky - it is hard when we can't see them instead having to depend on the staff staying healthy. Yesterday I had to admit 'what if he dies and I can't even go to say goodbye?" If he did get the virus that would not be the worse thing to happen - would save him from the rest of the disease because I know he would not want to live like this. But, I am concerned about the staff. One of the girls is early in her pregnancy. I don't know if she is still working or not because of the virus.

    I cheer you on attacking the snowbank! I wish I could get myself to do things I clean out unnecessary stuff but I just can't.
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTime2 days ago
     
    Today the WA governor extended the stay at home to May 3rd. This despite the fact we are on the downward path. He should allow workers who work alone or in jobs that they are not close to each other like construction go back to work. He even banned fishing - guess he is afraid the fish may get the virus! Most fisherman I know are either by themselves or with a buddy - no big groups.
    • CommentAuthorpaulc
    • CommentTime2 days ago
     
    Your governor is probably taking advice from epidemiologists to ensure that cases of COVID-19 do not flare up again. This is has be described as the end of the beginning, not the end of an end. Premature ending of measures will result in another spike of cases. We still see many people gathering in groups, I read of many cases of people working in unsafe conditions.