I will make this as few words as possible - We all know the words to fill it in: LO, early AD, jokes laughs with Drs, they see him as fine and me as negative, TIA, absent seizures while driving, MY LO hascalled me a bitch and can't remember the "facts" and that I am the one with the problem, that I scream at him. I have apologized for all of these and hate myself for alowing him to treat me that way. I usually stay away from him when he is like this, but I felt I needed to broach the subject of possible dangers when he is driving. My LO treated me with love and respect before AD - for a year and a half it was hell, then nice since October until last night. I want to leave, I don't want to be around him. I don't want to go to his doctors anymore as they dismiss me and joke with him. I have only started this journey and I am tired. I could go on but some of you know how it feels. I just want to give up, take Xnax and get back in bed and shut the door. He is out now running errands for himself in his car. I know I probably won't do anything but I just wish I would dissappear. I know I am feeling sorry formself, but.......thanks for listening
I have nothing to offer except to let you know that I could have written most of your posting. I know from reading this board that all stages are bad but this one just tears us apart. It is like beating your head against a brick wall coupled with tremendous fear because your LO is unpredictable and still has the ability to fool almost everyone. You not only take the verbal abuse at home but you are made to feel like a fool in public and you worry constantly about finances and poor decisions your LO can make because they are still so functional.
I believe we have to protect ourselves, our physical and mental wellbeing and I am exploring what steps I can take to do that.
And no, you are not feeling sorry for yourself, you are trying to protect and help yourself.
Catherine, this sounds like FTD, doesn't it? Dagma3 also sounds like she is younger like you. I sure wish there is something we can say to make it easier for her.
dagma3, some people have reported success from gently but firmly putting your foot down. "I love you, darling, but I will not be treated this way. I am going to [fill in the blank -- go to another room, go to my mother's for a visit, spend the night at a friend's, whatever works for you] because I just cannot bear to have you do this to me. I hope that you will be willing to apologize and show me that you love me when I get back."
In your case, you might want to insist that he see a new doctor as a condition for your forgiveness and continuing care of him. Those doctors are NOT helping him.
And I think I would send a letter or fax to those doctors, and explain clearly and concisely the symptoms that you observe, and your ... dismay ... over the way they ignore your concerns. And suggest to them that you will be forced to take your husband elsewhere if they continue to behave this way.
Sunshyne, thank you. These are very good ideas. I left once following an "explosion" and was gone for about three hours. I parked at a local store and saw him drive by several times from our house looking for me. It was in the evening and I could not find anyone to talk to. And I really tried everyone. I ended up calling my son. He offered for me to stay at his house but I just wanted to go home to no trouble. So, I went home and in the kindest voice I could muster told him that I would be home for the rest of the evening and I really hoped that there would be no more trouble. This was the worst about three months ago and he has said the right things since. He understands that he needs to not act or say these things or I will leave. I always tell him that I will be back that I am not leaving for ever but that I need to leave so he can calm down.
this is not to say that there haven't been some pretty good outbursts on his part, just not to the extent of this one. He knows that if I feel threatened that I will leave.
We have entered an interesting phase. G doesn't explode as often as he has in the past, but now when he does, and I "lose it", our pup just hides. We both noticed it at the same time, and have agreed that it must stop. Now...we'll see if he can remember that..but it at least has a positive ring to it. Our poor baby doesn't like the noise and negative feelings, obviously.
Our older dog runs for under the bed when DH start with his angry tones. DH has noticed it and always says "Well there she goes, see what you have done." Always my fault. Not very often, does he associate it with his tone of voice.
Similar to when we have had an earthquake and our dogs always know BEFORE it happens. Sometimes the explosions feel like earthquakes! I guess life was fairly boring before all this mess, but I'll take boring anyday now.
You are not alone. Just read all of my blogs from July and August, and you will see that I am right there with you, as are so many others. The anger and rages are just so difficult to bear, and I highly recommend whatever medications will calm them down.
What dagma3 wrote is so close to what I wrote in my journal this evening I can't believe it. I asked my husband a question, his answer didn't really respond, I told him that and asked again, and he blew up. He slammed doors, yelled, swore in ways he never did before this all started, and I don't know what to do. I cry, he isn't upset, and forgets the whole thing happened while I'm still crying and my heart is still pounding. We always spend Friday evenings eating pizza, drinking beer or wine, and watching the news shows on public tv. Tonight we've done this - me upstairs and him in the basement. This started 3 1/2 hours ago. Now he's sending me calm emails about something he wants to do tomorrow, and I'm still crying. I don't know if I will make it through this, and I don't know how so many of you have done it. I just want it all to be over with, and it is barely starting.
I got p---ed off and just looked him in the eye and said "Will you listen to yourself? Stop it! Stop it now! Don't talk to me until you can behave yourself!" Now you must understand I was railing--angry looks, hand gestures, etc. He stopped and hasn't done it since. that was about a month ago. Maybe the direct approach would help.
I am so upset that you self sacrificing, loving, long suffering spouses must endure this torture without help from the professiional community . Not only do some of them not have empatahy for you,, they work against y ou. No one shoyld have to endure the kind of abuse you have had to undergo. My husband has never been deliberatetly hostile to me , I only have had to suffer his indifference. But I don't think I could long live with a sick person and lovingly take care of them if my life was made hell. I am so glad that Joan is able to speak for the spouses and let people be informed of this aspect of the disease. She is still one of the lone voices in the wilderness of knowledge about Alzheimers. Right now I am so indignant about this outrage of cruelty against the caregiver and I am resolved to find websites where I can contribute to tell all I can about what you dear people are suffering.
Dagma3- Once again the above stories are as though I wrote them from my life. I do not advocate medications, but that is my only saving grace for my husband. He was once mean, nasty, raging, and I put him on Effexor and Risperdal. He immediately became calm. I did wean him off of the meds about 6 weeks ago- he was fine for about 2 weeks, then the mean rages started again- so he once again is on his meds. I cannot emotionally handle the mean, sarcastic rages- all of this other "stuff" from Alzheimers is enough to try to "deal" with. Bless each one of you!!
We went to the doctor on Thursday, DH had a cough. While there the doc (at my request) brought up driving, and told him to make an appt for a driving test. We left and he didn't speak for that day or the next. He also couldn't sleep. When I finally got him to talk, he didn't remember why he was so angry just that he was. i told him it was because she wants him to take the driving test. I expected a blowup, but he just seethed for two days. That's better than the anger and raving we got the last time this was brought up. He thought he was angry because she gave him that "stupid test" again, where they want to know where he lives. He doesn't care about those things (LOL) Not important. also no phone number, not important. I told him, You have all that info on your wrist, why not just sread it off to her. Well, he forgot. I know the rages, happily, we have passed them for the time being.
Hi..Hope my solution well help with your PCP. I made an appointment for myself but did say it was to discuss my DH. I used a small Tape recorder & taped some of the outbursts & played it for him. Jim would not except that he had a problem & would not let the Doc. order meds for him. After hearing what I hear he agreed to order Meds for him & let me tell him they were vitamins so long as he could see him at my appointments. We tricked him into the Mini-Mental Test. We both took it so he would not feel he was being singled out. Jim scored a "10" out of "30". This was a lot to go through but at least it convinced my PCP that I was not the one with a problem.
Thank you for all of your care and support - it really helps. I feel so rotten when he starts calling me the B word - I think stupid was part of it too. I spent the day today looking for cheap apartments. There is someone on this board that says she has a place to go just to get away. I think I need that too. I also am going to get a recorder so at least I can hear his tirades again and just in case anyone else wants to hear it. I am 71 and he is 66. I made the mistake of trying to "explain" to him the sequences of why his driving is a concern to both of us - we could get paralyzed if he got us in an accident - dying would be ok for me. He has those absent seizures and now has had a TIA, but the heart doctor acted like it just wasn't a big deal. I would like him to come drive with my husband for a while. I am going to write a letter to all of his physicians and tell them my concerns and let it be on their record and conscience. Seems like this driving thing is such a big issue, isn't it. Thank you Joan, for giving us this outlet. I don't think I would be able to make it without it. God bless you - and if any of you know anyone that would like a husband, I will be glad to deliver him.
YES, YES, YES, to the tape recorder idea for all the rage incidents. And keep a notebook with dates, times, and descriptions of what occurred. With the tape recorder to back up the notebook, the doctors will have to stop denying that there is a problem. I am not referring specifically to driving (there is a discussion topic for that, which is about 5 pages by now - think it's a big issue?), but to all incidents involving rage, verbal abuse, and taunts.
Tape recorders, notebooks, and MEDICATION - or, as dagma3 said - new living arrangements.
dagma3 my husband's doc was also a long time friend. For a long time he couldn't or wouldn't accept that my husband had FTD. At first he was very reluctant to send a letter to the DMV to have my husband's license revoked. If I had it to do over again I would have sent registered letters to all his MD's advising of my concern about driving. Oh-by the way-no I don't want your husband
dagma3, I was one of the several of us who had leased an apartment just to get away. After I gave up my job, I could no longer afford it. It was within walking distance of my house, and it was wonderful. It was just a studio apt., but I loved it. I could just go there, listen to music, read, meditate, be quiet. He never knew I had it. Some girlfriends came over & each time we would just have a glass of wine & talk & laugh. When they come to my house, my husband feels entitled to be included. Even if one of them is having a crisis & I ask him to let us be alone, he just sits there without any respect for their feelings.
Tonight just about blew me away. He was eating dinner, I had already eaten. I was watching a movie set in Mexico. He asked me FOUR times, if that was in Mexico. I told him I just answered that 5 minutes ago, write it down if you are so interested. He said he asked me YESTERDAY. Oh my, I just want to escape. It is not that he is being mean, it is just so annoying. I just want him to be QUIET & go away. He talks on top of the news. He talks on top of everything.
I guess no one wants my husband either. I have averted all the outbursts by sheer cleverness, but how do you stand this other stuff?
Kitty, it's so unfortunate that your husband got ill so soon after marrieage. We have been married for 31 yrs, and together for 37. Yes, it's annoying, and yes, I wish he would just shut up, and yes, he talks over the news, and has asked me, maybe 1,000000 times, who's running. but we have a lot of history, and he has been my life for a long time. I just try to grin and bear it, and sometimes when he asks again, I just have to laugh. If you don't laugh you cry. My heart goes out to you in this situation. It's certainly not what you signed up for.
My late husband and I were the proverbial high school sweethearts....we started dating when I was 15 and he was 16. We married at 20 and 21 and were married for over 40 years when he died at 61 in March of this year. So, it was not a stretch for me to care for him...we were attached at the hip....we grew up together. That does not mean that having a long and loving relationship meant that dealing with the scourge of AD was easy....he fought the disease tooth and nail and that entailed fighting me because I was the one that wanted to keep him clean and safe. It was hard on him, hard on me and also hard on our two children.
Over one fourth of our married life involved living with AD. Not a great statistic when you look at it that way.
By the way, no, I don't want any one else's husband....LOL.....!
Thank you Chris. I wondered last night if he were just TRYING to annoy me. He had a grin on his face. Asked questions like, what part of Mexico? Why don't you know, you're watching it? I find it hard to accept he didn't know he had just asked me four times within 10 minutes if the movie was set in Mexico. It is really hard for me to determine if he's purposely trying to get a rise out of me, or if he can't really remember he just asked the same question. This was my 1st bout with the repetitive questions.
Has anyone else wondered this? He had a couple of glasses of wine, which seems to make him act "stupid" or childlike.
May I suggest if your DH's driving is not up to par, makes you nervous or concerned in any way, write a letter to your state department of motor vehicles, give them his driver's license number and sit back and wait for a couple of weeks. I asked DH's physician and neuro and they both agreed to write the letter. It's a done deal now. He chose to surrender his license and his pickup is now for sale. I'm guessing if your doctor won't write the ltter, you can do it yourself. However, I believe the doctor is legally bound to write that letter and get an impaired driver off the road.
Good luck. It's not easy. It's not fun. But, in the long run, at least you will have some peace of mind.
Kitty, My DH does it to get a rise out of me, plus he does it because he forgets, plus it is part of covering up. To keep it from driving me insane, I just try to not sort it out anymore and take it at face value that he forgot. It is so difficult because I would love to have a challenging indepth conversation about anything. Instead I feel like I am repeating everything at least twice if not multiple times.
Well, I took notice of this, since I've seen so many posts about spouses repeating questions. Since this was a first for me, I really couldn't tell if he was just trying to get on my nerves, or if this was the beginning of all that. Hopefully, it will turn out that he was trying to get on my nerves. I can't even begin to imagine a long time with these idiotic conversations. All I could do was come upstairs to get away from him.
Time will tell if this was a one time thing or if I'm in it like others, answering the same question over & over. If that happens, I will start to close my office door & live in here. I've never closed the door before.
I can tell my DH has still some notions of if hes acting out or not. Since Thurs pm i have had the tootache from hell! why does it always happen on a holiday weekend??? even my dogs get sick on holidays and need ER vets. well, since friday i could hardly sit much less eat or stand and was on painkillers every 4hrs round the clock. poor DH did seem to realize i was not my self and slept most of the pm with me and he obligingly ate what i set out, and not wanting to stand to cook it was mostley fast food and snacks. fever broke and i am better today thank god! on advil now til my dentist appt. so in getting back to the topic yes i do think they are very able to know when they aggitate or are trying to disturb us. as i saw my husband chose to be good while i was so sick, which makes me wonder too. he didnt even pace those days muc to my amazement-maybe they know more than we can credit them with- divvi
NOT! he was out of town too and i findally got him on friday afternoon. he called in drugs which helped alot. i just couldnt get up/drag DH with me, and even try to get to see an oncall one at that point-plus over the labor day weekend it would be hard chore finding someone to sit with DH anyway -even the agency needs 24yr notice on holidays-everyone had plans! so i suffered thru it and be sure next time i will take advice and not wait so long to see one! it was the worse pain ever...made me break out in sweats..hahaha...at least now i know how precious the pharmaceutical issues can be::))) divvi
Thanks again for all of your candid sharing. I am going to write letters to his doctors, to my LO and might get enough nerve to write to the DMV. I am not telling anyone to tell him not to drive, I am simply giving them hard facts that have occured that have put both of our lives in danger. I don't know what to do about it to get him to stop - but we all could write a book about the driving issue. I think the reason I get so upset is that I get lulled into "oh, this is just a little memory issue, look how nice, sweet and considerate he is being". I would tell you I am not in denial, but I guess I am.It is so hard to look at him as sick when he is being so nice and normal. Well, I think I got the message this time - but I haven't figured out yet how to walk the walk of one day being sweethearts and the next day wishing he would just go away because he is acting like a monster. It certainly jerks emotions around doesn't it - and I guess he must be feeling bad too, but at times like this I don't seem to be as compassionate at the rest of you. Thank you for being there. Thank goodness for this website or we would all be alcoholics, loose women(well, I don't know about that, that would include a man and I think I am off of them) or in a looney bin.
Dagma, yes most definatly write letters to each of his Dr relaying your concerns about his ability to drive. that puts the issue in their hands and if its documented and not acted on then maybe you will at least not be held responsible when they do take his license. its never easy this topic and most here know it to be the hardest thing to have to do. but if you are in fear and can see errors in his driving you must speakup for your safety his and others as we have said many times here. the drjekyl/hyde characeter is one we all know well. good luck toyou, divvi
I guess you are right. I was thinking of what might be fun - but I think I have forgotten what fun is anymore. For all of you wonderful male caregivers, please forgive my sexism. Just don't think I could handle men anymore - I would probably want them to do a mini mental status exam before I talked to them to be sure they were safe. And it would be my luck to get the charmer who is able to do it but is capable of being Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
When that letter comes from the DMV it starts out saying "We have received word from someone who is concerned about your driving skills. Therefore, please call the number listed below and make an appointment to have a driving skills test before _______________. If you fail to comply, you will be held in contempt and you will be driving with a suspended license."
Now, it is up to him to either go down to the DMV, take the test--or surrender his license. That's what my DH did and there was one more surprised than I was. He ranted and raved for about 2 weeks--mellowed out and had our son drive him to the DMV to surrender his license. All without a whimper. Must have been God's will. I orchestrated it and have no conscience about it at all. I don't feel disloyal or anything. I feel I did exactly the right thing at the right time.
The ramifications of him getting into an accident and injuring or killing someone else were too much to take the risk of doing nothing and by doing nothing, a decision has been made
Mawsy, congrats!! you did what was necessary and luckily you didnt have alot of flack over it like others. i know you feel much more at ease over that decision.
thanks, Kitty, dentist appt on thurs. much better now and pain is at bay now..i hope not root canal either. never had one, heard horror stories but i cant live like this either..my dentist usually tries to just fix it and if pain persists then he recommends it. my last molar did the same thing and was ver delicate for some time but now ok and no root canal so far. ugh. always something ELSE to torture us caregivers...sighhhhh!! divvi
I've had a couple of root canals, they're not fun but you can cope. The problem with my first one was that the dentist (first time there) was drunk. Not good.
Guess I had a pretty good dentist. I had a root canal earlier this year and it wasn't as bad as I was expecting. I admit I was in the dental chair for three hours the first visi8t.
Come on...you gals are living in the dark ages. A good endodontist can make a root canal a walk in the park. Last winter I had THREE in 10 days! G was really acting out at the time and my teeth clenching (even with nite guard) finally got me. After being married to a dentist for a zillion years and working at the office for 25 years, I had never had a root canal or a true dental problem. Whamo, I got it all at once, but thank heavens our endo guy remembered all the patients we had refered to him over the years and didn't charge me..YEA! In any case..try to pick a sober one..(horror story).
Agree with Kathl37, It pays to go to an Endodontist for a root canal. They do them all the time and not so bad. Time in chair remains but if you are not in pain not so bad.
I've had a mouth full of root canals. I've had some that were literally no problem and I've also had the root canal from Hell. The root wasn't finished dying when he sent me home and the novicane wore off way earlier than he planned.
If you are going to have a root canal, most of the time a couple of Advil will take care of any pain, and you probably won't need more pain killers than that. If you do have more pain, remember that the prescription dosage is actually 4 pills, 6 times a day. If you take 4 pills and the pain doesn't go away, and you can't get to the dentist, it is Emergency Room time.
I was in my "never go to the Emergency room" period when I had my root canal from Hell, and the dentist's office had closed down for a 3 hour lunch. By the time I got to him, I was a mess. Since I wasn't driving I got heavy duty pain medication and a third appointment the next day to make sure everything was now OK. It was.
I tend to push people to go to the Emergency room a lot, but that is because I don't go there as frequently as I ought to. And I've been sent there enough times by various doctors that I'm getting the message.
thanks everyone, my dentist does have an specialist in office that does it, but i wont do that unless its obvious thats the only recourse. i had all wisdome teeth pulled and was ok for that and numerous crowns. you know without dental coverages and how $$$ it is, we always wait until last minute to go. the real issue is i want to take DH in and see whats up with him, have no clue how we will do this but will ask dr after i am done. UGH- i am taking advil and it works aalmost better thant he vicodin. 2 x time x3times/day or only 6 per day. thanks everyone, i am glad some good input here -divvi
My first experience with a root canal came after I broke a tooth (sipping Sherry). I made an emergency visit to my dentist. He smoothed out the tooth, then said I needed a crown and he would make an appointment for it. I told him that I was in the chair, so do it now. He knows I don't like being in the dentist chair. He then said I needed a root canal first and would schedule an appointment. Again, I said I was in the chair, do it now. So, on an emergency visit that extended over his lunch hour, he did a root canal (it was no big deal) and a crown. I did have to go back for the permanent crown.
I have to laugh, I am to the dentist on Thursday for crowns on all four of my front teeth. I keep putting it off. Now Iam going. Just a word about driver's licenses, "My DH just discovered he must have misplaced his. It's not in his wallet anymore. (grin). Well, we looked, and found his old one, but not the new one yet, but we are "still looking". If I order a duplicate from the DMV, it's going to take weeks, and weeks to get it." Hopefully we will have forgotten about it by then. sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. He has fired 2 doctors already who told him he had to take a driver's test at the rehab center.