Congratulations to your son, and to you too, Paulc. It is good to reach and be able to enjoy positive milestones.Long drives withstanding. I am glad for you, and for your son.

Paul, so glad to hear the good news of your sons graduation. The years go so fast, that's something for you and him to be proud of.

Charlotte, I hope you are making progress with the new placement. We were to have lunch with friends who have moved into an Independent Living Facility. She made the "Independent Living" plain :) It's a gorgeous place but any way you look at it's, it's a placement facility and they are moved to different areas as they need more care. She is having trouble adjusting to having to give up her beautiful home and furnishings. Certainly understandable. I would guess it's about $10K a month as it's all inclusive. Big storms moving in today so we called and postponed it to another day.

We've passed another milestone? First the tractor, then driving, now as soon as the riding mower is repaired - again - it will be sold. I know he feels like everything is being taken away from him. I'll do whatever it takes to stay in our home, as long as we can. Not sure either of us would adjust to one of those ALF, no matter how nice they are. Hopefully, at our age we won't have to, although they are 82 & 84. I'd say her husband is about the same way along with AZ as Hal is. It was their kids who insisted. But the kids don't live here and they are pretty much alone, they moved down here a few years ago to be close to their kids and then the kids moved, LOL.
She says it's because of her husband but after talking to her a few times lately, I can tell she is going downhill too, maybe faster than her husband -- you just don't see it as much.

We've been having beautiful weather and all my flowers are finally in full bloom -- not sure they will survive these new storms. I need to go pick more to bring in, the beautiful Dutch Iris just started blooming. Hope everyone is managing to get through the days. I told Hal we should get on our knees every day and thank the Lord we are able to be in our home and continue living a fairly normal life. As hard as it is, it could be much worse.

see we got hit by spam again!

I've mentioned before when I have some quiet time I randomly read through old threads and am always amazed at how they could be written today by any of us. The more it changes the more it stays the same. I get a good feeling reading old posts, gives me hope that no matter how hard it gets, at the end of the day we are survivors.

My Dil, who is coming Fathers Day, texted last night that she wants the two of us to do something fun, like the old days when we all lived close. For the life of me I can't even think of anything or place to go for a fun day. Can't remember last time I had fun. I think my neighbor, who was always wanting me to go and do things with her has found a new friend. She would call on the spur of the moment with an idea - but I couldn't always go. Even our monthly lunch dates stopped because there was so much to do here. Even plans we had made sometimes had to be cancelled due to something happening here with DH. Eventually people get tired of asking. So best friends have died, good friends have moved to ALF or near their kids, and younger friends don't want to be bothered with accommodating our schedule.

Tornados slipped past us again last night, was nice to lay in bed and watch the lightening and wait for the thunder. Our alert went off once but was for flash flooding, which isn't a problem for us. Two more storms coming in with potential for major damage. I guess it says something that I am more worried about my flowers than I am about us or the house :)

I am proud of myself. Despite the exhaustion of the last 5 days I kept my cool when I met with the people when I moved him out. I was calm, told them I just needed his medicines and assurance they would stop the medication from Omnicare. You should see the big bag of pills I brought home. I think there is about 8 bottles of melatonin; a bottle of 600 mg of Ibuprofen almost full 270 tablet size; 4 bottles of sertraline; that decongestant; 4 packages of 325 mg acetaminophen; the box of 500 mg, 500 count acetaminophen the doctor ordered - about 400 left. Ridiculous.

Just waiting on the doctor to sign the paperwork. Stopped by the VA while in Walla Walla to make sure he finally got the faxed paperwork. He would try to get the doctor to do them before going home. I can't wait. I want my home back! I want my bed back to myself. 4 months and I was enjoying being alone. If I didn't have the dog it might not be as pleasant because she does keep me company and give me someone to take care of that doesn't make up a story to go along with everything I say. I just hope he doesn't flip out tomorrow. I have not said anything about it since last week.

Charlotte, we are all hoping for the best for both you and Art. You are doing an incredibly hard job right now juggling all of these moving parts.

It sounds like the pharmacy may be scamming the residents by delivering far more meds than they need or use. You have enough on your plate to deal with so I'm not suggesting you do it, but they ought to be investigated.

This is a tough period. Trying to get Art proper care means he's mad it's happening, they're mad that you're complaining, and you're busier than a piece of pork in a pork'n'beans factory.

This is a new place again. I advise considering giving it several days at least. When you're there, the fact that he isn't with you becomes real. It's your call.

I'm glad to hear that you sound like you can appreciate having Charlotte time and space and share it with the dog. Here's hoping this is a better place where, in all honesty, that other place sounded like it would be a tough choice between how out of control they were versus how much nobody really gave a flying about anything.

My SIL came up from California one time many years ago now and opening up her mother's bathroom vanity found an unbelievable number of different pills. She scooped them all into a bag and went to see her doctor, barged in and screamed at him showing him the huge pile of different pills he had her mother taking. He seemed surprised.

I haven't seen a doctor in over 15 years and still haven't had a bad cold to speak of (knock wood). I worked in the industry for almost a decade (Smith Kline) and I watched the doctor's get all sweaty because if they prescribed the latest drug with a list of side affects two pages long, they and their wives would be off to Monte Carlo or Jamaica to a 'conference' all expenses paid plus spending money. They liked that a lot.

My friend's doctor seems to want to shove a tube up his bum every five minutes. The government sends me a kit to get my stool sampled free. Just mail it in. When you turn 65 they want to see you every six months or even sooner, because the big thing in medicine these days seems to be looking for things that might have gone wrong so that in the unlikely event that they did, they could tackle it sooner.

That's insane. To constantly check that nothing's gone wrong yet is insane. That's how they bill though - so. But, as I keep saying, not a blessed soul gets up in the morning and celebrates the fact that they don't have cancer today. I resisted learning how serious what my wife had, was. Smartest thing I ever did because we had an extra year or so in semi-normal.

Anyways, I hope Art will be happy there too. And that these people provide more decent care than that other bunch.

That's a good sign that they knew he was joking and flirting. How different that sounds from every response you shared with the other. Here's hoping this is a decent place.

I remember when Paul had to make the difficult decision to place his wife for his son's sake cause it was so hard on Ari. Can't believe it has been that long where he is a college graduate now. Job well done both Paul and Ari.

Bonnie, glad to hear you got out and had a good time - you deserve it.

Oakridge - if you have money going into the account I would change that. I opened an account at a different bank where my SS check goes to. Thankfully I have always managed the money so have access to it. Since if when he dies his last SS check will have to be returned (even if used to pay bills) I don't want my money mixed in for them to take. As for the password, usually they have an option where you can click to say you forgot it then they send you a link to set up a new one. If so, do that and make sure to keep it. I have all my passwords in an excel worksheet but I finally got a master password program that stores them all for me, then fills them in when I go to sites. I even printed them all out when I knew my computer was going to be reformatted.

Oakridge,

You weren't able to do anything with that bank account because it isn't joint. Even in California you have to set up a bank account as joint to have access to it while everyone is alive. Accounts like that are in both names and usually set up so either can use it. California's laws are set up to be activated by divorce or the death of one party. You wouldn't have been able to access his account there either unless it was specified as joint.

You are only the owner if he passes when you are the beneficiary either named in the asset or by the will (or where state law applies).

The best approach is to have a clear will and powers of attorney (both a medical one and a financial one) for both of you. It's reasonable to tell him you're both getting older and need to be able to take care of each other. You can explain to him your new awareness that this is not so, is why you are suddenly concerned about all this.

It takes very little time to go to a lawyer and have them draw up POA's and straight forward wills that all property transfers to the spouse upon death. If you both already have such a will, then you only need the 4 POA's (one financial and one medical for each).

Even then there is the question of competency. A POA is a legal instrument that lets a spouse for example decide applicable matters only when the other person is known to be incompetent. That usually requires a signed doctor's declaration. Some places will accept the POA without that, but banks likely won't. They will block the transaction and try and contact the actual owner of the account. POA's do not supercede a person's legal rights when there is no establishment of incompetency.

You should first check that there is a will and it is clear all property transfers to the surviving spouse. Then you should get both of you to a lawyer and draw up straight forward POA's for both of you. Finally, you should talk to him about making the main account joint because if something happens to you, he can pay the bills, but if something happens to him, you can't.

These are reasonable concerns all tied together in taking care of each other going forward. I presume he is writing the checks to pay bills and authorizing debits to the account. If he stops being able to do that, the money will be there but no one will be paying the bills.

It's at that point where a financial POA is imperative but a joint account is better. To be very clear. The joint account is 'either/or' signatures not 'both'.

edit - it may be possible to go to the bank with him once he agrees and have the existing account changed to joint with your signature card added. I would be inclined to leave the joint idea off the table until the POA's are done and the will is checked.

I just realized I don't know your age, if you've been getting SS for over 22years and getting it on the 3rd of the month the time frame is tight.

Hi Wolf, I had been handling the accounts online, with this bank, for about 5 yrs. My husband wouldn't have been able to access something online even when he still had his mind. He's just of a different generation - not computerized. However, at this bank, we had to change the password every 90 days. We had 3 accounts, plus a CD that had to be accessed separately. Both our names were on every account - even my business account so he could sign if necessary, they were always joint accounts. Not so, I was specifically told his name was listed first and therefore he was considered the "owner" - of everything. I could write checks but that was it. Told them no problem, I'd just come down and close out all our accounts in about 15 minutes. Think every higher up person called me. They finally sent a letter, that we had to both sign to allow me to use "his" money. We had quite a bit of paperwork with them till I was satisfied, in writing, that the money in all the accounts was our money. Not his or mine. I will say once they got the idea, they went out of their way to make sure I was happy :) Still maintain 2 accounts there since it's convenient. When we moved to town and opened the accounts there we had a "personal banker" that was a joy to do business with. That all changed a few years ago.

I cannot sell a car without his permission, even though both names are on the title. Whereas in CA we had and/or on everything, you cannot register a vehicle that way in MO. We have always had everything in both our names - for 60 yrs now - all joint accounts with both of us having the same rights. My husband has never handled the finances, never wrote checks nor made debits - not even sure he knew which bank we used. I have always done that. I've learned a whole lot about the difference between community property states and states back here. The further south you go here the more you see this still in action. There are still laws in some towns that forbids "blacks" to stay overnight. No idea if that was enforced but there are a lot of laws here that seem to be from another era - the man is still considered the head in a marriage. There are many men that proudly say they have never been in a supermarket, that's womans work.

We have all the proper documents in place but still need some tweaking - it's a difficult process to work through. He still has enough awareness that things like that bother him. Even though he has never handled the finances he doesn't want to be completely excluded. He's very concerned that if something happens to me - he will be left hanging in the wind.

I'll add, I think the financial aspect of this journey is the hardest for me. There are just so many things to take into account. It seems like when I think I have everything under control a question arises that throws me off base. I've been looking into hiring help when the time comes. Talking with my son tonight who has been taking care of his FIL for 10? yrs now in their home. The money they spend is unbeliveable. Of course everything in CA costs more, but I'm seeing our costs of everything skyrocket the last year. My husband has lost weight and isn't as tall as he used to be but is still considerably stronger than I am. I'm thinking there may come a time when it would be easier for someone else to handle parts of our life - if we could afford it.

First of all let me apologize for droning on about things you already know about. Secondly I want to congratulate MO for the work they're doing to stay in the stone age suppressing the rights of women to hold property or african americans to stay overnight. I don't imagine latinos do that well either. It sounds like a winning formula to secure the back waters of irrelevancy. Anyone who's spent time in Alberta knows that kind of thinking isn't relegated to the south.

We have a new $10 bill in Canada. Most of the world doesn't know that and why should they? It features Viola Desmond, a black Canadian woman in Nova Scotia, who in 1946 in a movie theatre told a white Canadian fungus to FO because she wasn't giving up her seat. We're sending a message to our citizens not to take that kind of crap from anyone.

I'm glad you don't need the level of advice I mistakenly thought you did. I'm also glad that white male supremacy is a shrivelling demographic. ;-D

Ah Wolf, what would we do without you? There is certainly no apology due - since I don't know everything and the laws are changing so fast I can't always keep up. I'm trying to ensure we can live here in our own home till we go to the great beyond. Most likely we will eventually need some help of some type, even if for a few hours a day.We fall into that middle class of making too much to qualify for any help and not enough to pay for private care. I've tried to stay up on the new state bills, since senior care is one of the places they always cut. I guess you can only do so much and hope when the time comes it is enough. I know CA has changed some laws regarding the trusts people use to protect their assets but I think ours are the same as always.

As for the other, this area is known as "white bread land". No explanation necessary. Also, while white male supremacy might be shriveling, it's certainly not gone. While I only know what I see on the news - White Supremacist groups seem to be popping up more. This is one of the areas the government deems to be one of the safest in the event of a nuclear attack, so many are stockpiling weapons, food etc, & building bunkers to protect themselves and their families from the droves of people they expect to invade us.

When we moved here in 1996, there had not been a murder in 15 yrs. Then we began to see more on the news in the bigger towns around us. Today, it's the same as CA - gangs, murders, child abuse etc. The news is very depressing, and I have enough to be depressed right here at home :)

I have only been as far into Canada as Niagara Falls so my knowledge is very limited. Have you always had a $10 bill - and this is a new look? Or, did you not use that denomination?

I probably worded that first post incorrectly, so never hold back, I always enjoy your posts - sometimes it feels like you're reaching into my head, and other times I laugh wondering where your head is that day, LOL.

The U.S. twenty dollar bill was supposed to change this year or next. Harriet Tubman's was supposed to replace slave owner Andrew Jackson's. That has now, given politics, been pushed into the identifiable future. It is an interesting topic to google, because someone has invented a stamp which covers Jackson's face with Tubman's. Understand it is supposed to be legal, but I am not sure. USA is behind the times, no woman's or African American's face has appeared on any of our coins or bills. Hispanic, for that matter.

I still think it was proper to acknowledge that. I have to say with that response I'm considering apologizing more often. Thank you for saying that I'm appreciated and why. I have no idea why I'm always so different but I always have been and live with that.

Those are the two things our spouses would do, if they could. Apologize and appreciate. Who wouldn't? Losing parts of yourself makes what is left of you defensive and protective. Most must use forms of denial to continue - and forms of narrative. My wife once startled me asking suddenly if I was a musician. They appear the same but there's actually randomly less of them and now they have to cope again because reality isn't what it was three or twelve months ago.

Even with couples who don't feel it's a loving relationship, if our spouse were able to be given everything back and could see what happened in between - they would apologize and appreciate what is suffered for them. I believe that's sound, and I believe that's a thought worth considering.

Only in America that I know of is everything a greenback. The rest of the world likes colors and all the denominations are different colors with usually numerous colors on each bill. What we did was effectively replace Alexander Hamilton with Rosa Parks on our money. Rosa is of course the young lady that one day had had enough and refused to go to the back of the bus where the lesser beings were expected to go. There are lots of glass ceilings like that still as your post made clear oakridge.

About white male supremacists, I meant the type that's been around for hundreds, make that thousands of years. This latest populist/supremacist movement is a reaction to not having decent paying labor jobs and constantly losing the ones that still exist. The Luddites were right that machines were taking their jobs, as the trucking industry is about to find out when driverless cars become driverless trucks. Don't invest in Uber. Those current day 'populists' are actually the spearhead of a fundamental truth that will emerge in society soon which is that citizens need labor jobs to keep the fabric of society going. We're a ways from that yet and automation is increasing so expect populism to remain strong. I interpret 'make America great again' as bring back the decent paying labor jobs. That is what eventually will need to be done and that probably means redefining private enterprise so it'll be a while.

"Thank you so much! I'm sorry I got sick." That's what they'd say even if they had been miserly curmudgeons in their previous state. Happy Memorial Day to the entire USA.

Yes, I agree Jan, I read so much about caregiver burnout, that they often die earlier and may develop dementia faster than they might normally. So much of what I read has to deal with children caring for their parents, which is so much different than caring for a spouse.

How many jobs do you know that are completely different one day when you come to work? How would you be expected to jump in and be up to speed instantly. Which is one thing I face and am sure others do. A few days ago my husband began demanding a large breakfast waiting when he got up. Something changed in his brain overnight and his behavior is different. I can't find the right words to describe it but he seems to have lost his focus. Like he crossed into another dimension that is another world - different that what we had a week ago. He thinks he can handle tools but they are foreign to him. I don't know what he sees in his mind but he doesn't recognize the names of tools nor what they do. So asking him to find something in the barn is like talking to the dog. He'll go out but come in later and say he can't find it. Rubber mallet?? The thing you use to snap a chalk line, I can't remember the name but tell him what it is and how you use it. Nothing. I ask for a can of canned air, he comes back with AIR Freshener. It does say air and in a can. But only a couple of weeks ago he knew exactly what it was.

This moving around is probably very hard on him. You may have to spend some time away from him to allow him a chance to adjust to the new situation and staff. You should be checking up on him, especially since other places provided poor care. Calling about him every day and checking that he is getting his meds seems reasonable.

I phoned and he seems to be doing well. He still refuses to eat his meals at the table so they let him eat in his room. So not seeing me seems to be better for him right now. Worked out good because what I thought was allergies blew up yesterday. I have never coughed so much and so deep in my life! Today has been mostly blowing my nose and feeling crappy! So it will be a couple more days before I go.

This is the second day where it got hot enough to run the a/c. Got up to 90, suppose to be 95 tomorrow and the next couple days after that. I am already tired of hearing the a/c running!!!

We have the smoke drifting down from Canada too. Guess there is a big fire burning outside Edmonton. Might be that adding to my problems.