DH seemed to have forgotten all about physical contact, but lately he has been waking up in the morning and wanting to cuddle. It really feels good. This is perfect for me, I have no need of anything further right now. The embracing provides warmth and comfort and I'm encouraging it as long as it lasts.
I agree. My husband and I haven't been intimate in over a year and he isn't interested in it but lately he has been holding my hand when we go out (he used to hate to hold hands said it made his hands sweaty), or rubbing my back and neck. It's nice to have that type of physcial contact. I know I"m only 50 but that part is not really as important to me as him being happy.
My husband stopped showing much interest in intimacy before our 1st Anniversary in 2004. It became less and less like love making and more and more like just plain sex. Then it was gone. Now he tells me I look nice when I visit him, something he almost never did before, holds my hand and will give me a hug if I lean into him or ask for one. I, being a woman first took this as a sign that he might be having an affair, that my weight had increased, that work was too much, etc. I thought of everything but this! Wow!
I never cease to be amazed. It never entered my mind that any another man would have had the doubts that I did. In fact, I almost didn't express them for fear that they might be mis-understood or I would be considered weird. Maybe, there is hope for me after all. Just think, I would never have known this if it had not been for this website.
Thanks to Joan for her clarification. I'm beginning to think that she knows everything. Even our thoughts.
My DH is not interested in sex at all. He has been that way for a long time. I have tried everything that I can think of. Starling said that every phase passes eventually...I'm waiting?!?!? ; ) Honestly though I have given up trying because it is only disappointing when it doesn't work and I only feel bad about myself. That is something I have never been able to get use to either.
Dean, I think it is wonderful that you are even stopping to think about whether it might be taking advantage of her. I think if she offers, you should take her up on it, but take it slow and if she should start to be uncomfortable with it, you could take your cues from her reaction. I agree with you - everything that Joan contributes is wonderfully insightful. This site has been a Godsend for me.
buzzelena: Thanks for the response and I agree with your suggestions. However, taking it slow might present a problem in this regard; 1) She will probably forget that she made the offer in about 10 minutes and 2) It takes my medicine (if you know what I mean) longer than that to work.
But, I am going to try to co-ordinate things and make it work.
It's Ok if you want to softly chuckle or lol. Hope you have a good day.
we are still intimate, but it is not like it has been through our long marriage (53 years). we will continue being intimate as long as she can enjoy it, after that I will not make predictions.
we are ten years into this adventure.
this is an adventure that involves a lot more than they told me about! questions are easier than answers, i fear.
Your last sentence says it all. We are about your same age, but, we have only been (officially) on this journey 1 1/2 years. But the problems were starting a long time before that.
Wow, now that my DH is long gone, I get all this male insight!
But I remembered something from when I placed DH. An AD woman was there & a couple times a week her husband came to visit & have sex with her, anyway, this is what I was told. At first I thought it was wrong for him to use her for his own gratification, but the more time went on, the more things I saw, the interactions of patients, my DH taking up with another women he introduced to everyone as 'my wife Betty Lee,' the more I began to recognize how much our LO's have lost, that she might very well have welcomed his visits. It possibly made her feel feminine, pretty, wanted, desired--dare I say satisfied! To have someone love you, physically and emotionally, even if you are not there 100% is not such a bad thing.
The thing I keep noticing is how differently men and women compartmentalize the act of sex. I mean, how it fits in to their overall relationship and psyche. Not that I didn't already know this. (And note, men, that this is not a value judgment--simply an observation.) But, in general, it would seem that men are willing to do the act with wives who are impaired. Not that they don't miss their wives' personality and company in many other multi-layered ways...but, the missing personality aspect does not interfere too much with the men's interest in performing.
More often, with women, I observe the same problem I have--that is, that the desire to perform the act springs from (and more or less requires) the satisfying interpersonal interaction of the relationship when the AD spouse was a whole person, personality-wise. A faded version of our spouse, a version that cannot empathize or really comprehend what-the-heck we're saying or feeling, does not get our motors running. And, in fact, attempting to "get over that" can leave me feeling very empty, hollow, and sad. I wonder if that's how "professionals" feel sometimes. I would have the same reaction if you put me in the room with a rather bland, personality-free, stranger and said "okay! Have fun." "No thanks," I'd think. "I think I'll just, um...read a book if that's ok." Then, when I witness a guy who is attentive...who can talk to his wife...who knows what-the-heck's going on...whose eyes are bright and intelligent, he can be a 2 on a 1-10 looks scale, and I'll still think "that's hot."
And then, even within a gender, obviously people are made different ways. I wonder if it's the women who are better nurturers than I, who are the ones most interested in cuddling with the husband who is mostly unresponsive, and such. I used up most of my nurturing ability on my children, and then it went away because it wasn't my specialty. Rather, I guess, I interact more as a friend than a nurturer--maybe, (selfishly?) requiring more reciprocity to "make" the relationship--so...no reciprocity, no relationship. And I withdraw as a self-protective measure. Which is why he gets the friendly and pleasant, but emotionally aloof (emotionally divorced) caretaker.
Emily- not all men are willing to do the act with their wives. My last attempt (probably two years ago or more), ended very abruptly, when I realized that my wife could no longer understand what we were supposed to do. I just hugged her, and the idea of getting intimate approximated trying to seduce a 6 yr old girl. I was totaly convinced that I would never try having sex again because she was so bewildered by the whole idea. I just cannot imagine myself trying to make love to a six yr old girl, and I could never ever take advantage of that for my own gratification. I noticed that all her sexual feelings no longer exist, so therefore, it is best to repress my urges. I wish I could get more explicit, but it is a situation that I cannot discuss easily with anyone, and at times, I am totally embarrased about the idea...
after reading all the responces to this thread I've come to the conclusion that women can write off the sexual aspects a lot easier than men,my wife an I had a wonderful satisfying sexual life for over 20 years,then it got to the point that she would just lay there,no reponse at all,while she is physically fine mentally she's somewhere else,while I will take care of her til its impossible for me I must admit that if the opportunity arise's for me to have physical relationship with another I will in a heart beat,the wife I knew an married is gone,only a body that doesn't even know me half the time remains,I'm sure most will think this is terrible but life is for living an I intend to live the few remaining years I have left
Phranque, ol don, and thenneck, I am in the same boat as you all....what can I say...take up sky-diving, and hope for a flame-out? Not me...I'll just wait until it doesn't matter anymore. Unfortunately it still does.
I have not and will not take advantage of someone who is handicapped for sex. I will have to wait until this passes if I last that long to have sex again.
I seduced dh this morning. It had been a while but it wasn't hard and it was fun. Well, rather tame fun but still. I know that this is one of the greatest gifts I can give him, myself I enjoy especially the warmth and cuddling. AND (I blush to say) it is a good way to get him into the shower (he has always showered immediately afterwards).
I'm with Emily, I require more reciprocity, more sense of partnership, and not just in cuddling and/or sex, in the whole relationship. My husband is still early stage, diagnosed with LBD a year and a half ago, but I've not been interested for at least a year. He still takes very seriously getting his cialis prescription renewed, but that is because he needs it to masturbate.
Emily, I like the line that you used up your nurturing on your kids. I feel guilty a lot that I am not warmer with DH, but on the other hand I'm good at setting up everything from doctors to travel to house renovations so his life will run as smoothly as possible.