First of all, I am very happy to of found this site for Alzheimer's spouses. There are some things that don't seem to pertain to others (e.g. those who take care of their parents or grandparents). I'm hoping I can ask anything here and get some food for thought or guidance. Please don't laugh too hard when you read my question.
I think my husband is somewhere between stage 4 and 5. He seems to cling to me more and more. He wants to have sex every minute of every day. At night he wants to be right there. He waits in the bathroom while I am showering. He follows me everywhere. I hardly have time to breathe. Is this normal behavior? It seems to of started this past 4-5 months.
My husband was like this for quite a while. Always wanted SEX, not love making, just sex. He was like a horny 15 year old. To be perfectly honest, it really turned me off. It got so bad that I even stopped offering affection since he took that as I sign that I wanted sex. He used to be a gentle, caring lover and this new, self-centered person was someone I didn't really like. We could no longer just hold hands or cuddle while watching tv. I so missed the small affections that were an everyday part of our life. But this too shall pass. Now he shows no affection whatever. He says few words and doesn't seem to see me as a person with feelings and needs and emotions. AD kills the relationship in many ways long before it kills the person.
Wheatleygir1 - you hit it on the nail! My husband is like a horney 15 year old. It is all SEX, no love. It is driving me crazy. The relationship is changing and I hate seeing it yet I can't have the conversations with him. He goes off the deep end - he will move to the absolute end of the bed and not talk to me or he gets angry. I feel like I'm dammed if I do and dammed if I don't. I miss the loving relationship we had. I guess I am still grieving the loss of it.
Ohmygod....I can't believe this is being discussed. This behaviour started about 2 weeks ago and is getting worse. I can't do anything, he comes out of no where all hands with that silly smirk on his face. It is not love making you are right, it is strictly sex.......talking about it, hinting about it, incinuations, attacking (not forcefully but not gently either), goosing me, groping me..........not caring at all about me or my feelings or what I'm doing. Strictly a 1 track mind. I had no idea this was a symptom..........can't wait for this stage to pass!!!
My DH is at the top of Stage 5 maybe bordering on 6. Today he is so romantic and affectionate. He's not satisfied with just a little peck of a kiss. He wants the 'real deal' the 'whole thing.' He keeps telling me how much he loves me and what a wonderful woman I am. I'm riding this wave for as long as it's high.
The sad part is that he's been impotent for about 17-18 years. He tried Viagra several years ago but he didn't like it and quit it. He also quite being romantic. He didn't want to talk to a doctor about it either. Perhaps that was the beginning and I didn't know what it was. I thought perhaps he'd just lost interest in me.
But for now, he's sweet, affectionate and cooperative. I have to explain what I want done around the house, etc. and he follows me around quite a bit. If I'm on my computer, he comes in and wants me to play cards with him or come out and talk to him. He doesn't talk very much. but he agrees with everything I say. I guess that's about all I can ask for at this time.
He's such a loving person--who could help but love him back.
This is the place for these types of discussions - I have always treated them with dignity and respect - they are important to spouses. For much more on this, go to the top of this page, click "search", and type in "sex", and circle "topic". You will see at least 3 other discussions besides this one. Also, go to the home page, www.thealzheimerspouse.com, and click on "previous blogs". Scroll down to # 9, 10, 11, and 44.
As you can see from all of these discussions and blogs, no one here would laugh at your question.
Yes DianeT, this too will pass in time. It is very hard to take, since it is as you say sex and it is only to gratify him. They really don't care how the spouse feels.
My DH went through this. Only problem was the timing. If he felt that way when he was younger and well...... he might have had a very happy wife. But, Murphy's law, he gets the drive when his onboard computer has gone haywire. That made for a very frustrated wife. Adding insult to injury, having given in to "torture" and complying to keep him calm he can't perform anyway, forgets the failure and frustration, and hours later calls me a prude saying I haven't put out in a year. That was the final straw. It's hard enough trying to muster up the will when there is no "love connection," no intimacy, no real relationship anymore. He was getting agitated and delusional on top of all that, and demanding to the point of bordering on violent. Finally had to tell him I'd have him "taken in" if he even touched me again. Like you, for months he'd follow me, wait by the bathroom door, etc. I even had to refuse to sleep in the bed. He'd promise and promise more that he wouldn't bother me. But he'd forget, then acuse me of saying yes, then saying no. He did get meds that calmed him. He stopped all pressuring, and now he simply has forgotten.
I told you earlier that DH has been so loving and affectionate today--much moreso that usual. I was a bit disconcerted inasmuch as we had our two 16 year old grandsons here today and I didn't want him acting like that in front of them. They left and every time I turned around he was wanting to hug and kiss. Later this evening, he said he so enjoyed last night. I asked him what had happened last night. He said he liked it when we made love. We haven't made love in 17 years. I was really surprised at this and I can't figure out where it came from. I didn't argue with him. I just smiled and said it was nice.
Is this what comes next? I would like to know if I need to know something that I don't know. He's such a dear man but I feel that I'm lacking some information here. I just don't want to hurt him.
Click on "Understanding the Dementia Experience" about half way down the main page where Joan's blogs are. The author talks about confabulation. Where they make up stories because they no longer can remember the real stories. It was one of the things that drove me nuts before my husband was diagnosed.
I don't know if your question is about sex or about the confabulation. Can't answer the sex question. Basically we went through his wanting sex (not lovemaking, just sex because it was all about him and not about me) even though he couldn't perform (between his other illnesses and his other drugs, it just wasn't working) but it has stopped, hopefully permanently. Since it wasn't about me, it was hard to be interested.
But if your question was about him believing a story that wasn't true, that is confabulation, and they all do some of it as their memories disappear. And if he made up a pleasant memory, you handled that just right.
I thought it was just ME!!!!!!!!! He is terrible and yes he accuses me of being Frigid and other derogatory terms. He got so bad in public and I had to apologize to soooo many waitresses that I finally told him that I would leave him he talked to "another person daughter" that way. I even quit letting him be alone for even one second around his teenage grand daugher for fear he would say someting inappropriate. He would be so stricked if he saw himself doing this, he was an upstanding church going God fearing father 5 years ago. I even found some porn orders on the cable bill that he denied and said "they" must have called the company and ordered them. I had a parental control put on the tv and computer. I have been so humiliated and embarrased and afraid to discuss this with anyone.
Seems this phase came and went without much hoopla in our house- but i do remember DH having a period of touching himself inappropriately and it didnt matter who/where he was at while doing it, so be careful when out in public:) the inhibative behaviours are all part of it where they lose whats appropriate and whats not -and the self centered ness as well- without apathy for others feelings is also prevalent too . it does pass and glad i dont have to deal with it in his present condition. it turned me off to no end the childlike inappropriate actions and remarks, just like you all are saying. and everyone says AD is an OLD PERSONS disease? if they only knew the behind the scenes...sigh...divvi
Okay folks, I understand this is another AD symptom but what if your spouse had his prostate removed and couldn't have sex afterward....could this symptom still occur? Lord, I hope not, I couldn't cope with it.
Confabulation (making up things that never happened) is what finally brought me to calling the Alzheimer's hot line the 1st & only time. My husband was talking about discussions we had never had, events that had never happened. Not getting much help on the call, I went to the AD message board, and then someone rescued me from that to here, and I've been here ever since. It is VERY disconcerting to hear that someone actually thinks things have happened when they haven't. That's when I realized I was really in trouble. I didn't understand what was going on.
As to affection, I'm not sure if I ever got that. It is difficult to remember when that became an issue. I started writing letters to my husband about 4 years ago, letting him know that I need a HUG or a kiss or a pat or a touch. He seemed to understand at the time, but he said he would "forget." I gave him articles about babies/animals actually dying from lack of touch. He still wants to have sex, but I'm sleeping on the sofa. My excuse is that I''m depressed. I told him I didn't expect him to have sex with me when he had cancer, so please have patience with me. I feel like if he can't remember to touch me outside of sex, then I can't remember to have sex with him. I have a lot of anger issues with the way he handled our finances, and that's not much of a turn on either. I feel guilty, however, because at least that gave him the feeling we were married. Now it just seems like we're sharing the same living space, but I can't get past it.
Oh, Yes. Attempts can still be made.................just not successfully..........for the most part. In DH mind he was Casanova, energetic as Jack Lalayne. But UNABLE to do the deed. He would be frustrated, I'd be "beyond" frustrated and creeped out, and he'd soon forget he failed and think he needed to do it again. WE HAVE TWO TEENS, and they have friends. DH didn't DO anything inappropriate (that I know) in front of any of them, but he did make inappropriate remarks to me and about me, and it really angered the kids. It was at its worst last summer, but by Christmas eve, when his doc put him on Risperdal, and Trazadone to help him sleep at night he became calm, not drugged up, cooperative, and he soon was forgetting the "SEX"
Hi Yes Jean this still happened with my husband, radical Prostate surgery and then after 2 years of no sex decided we were going to have sex, no ability but lots of want and way too much inappropriate talk. Would say to any female that came in our home, " how would you like to give me a blow job". now that was embarassing, for me and them. He would even ask our 25 yr old daughter for oral sex in the same crude manner, this was emotionaly one of the hardest stages for our family. My husband started very early not knowing who we were, he would often think our daughter was me, as she looks just like I did when we got married, he would also think I was my mother. There just are no easy ways to deal with AD. I am so glad in one way to be past that stage. But another part of me would give anything to have it back because at least during that stage he could still talk and was at home with me. Now he lies in a nursing home with no ability to roll over, watch tv, or even speak. I so remember wanting him to just be quiet, someone on one of the boards said to me one day you will just want him to talk, they were so right. Thinking of all of you struggling with you loved one still at home, mine has now been in care for 8 months, so I live in limbo waiting for call saying he is gone, wishing for him it was over as I have said goodbye so many times and yet still wanting to hold on the the body that no longer even resembles the man that I love so much. take good care of yourselves Kathy
A member of another forum on FTD was having terrible overt sexual problems with her husband..on the plane traveling he would start touching himself...she was able to get a type of med that stopped this behavior. I believe it was one used for sexual offenders. Sounds very drastic, but this public behavior is pretty drastic also. I surely hope we don't go thru that.
Northstar, I think I'm sorry I asked.lol It has been longer than 2 years since my DH wanted sex so I hope and pray it stays that way. Especially making inappropiate remarks to other females.
It seems that one of the things DH has forgotten is the whole sex thing, so I guess I'm fortunate that I haven't had to deal with any of that. For us, the last time was 2002, two years before dx. It was part of his total withdrawal from our life together.
OK, I'll check in, but not much to say. Our sex life has been minimal for several years, due to my ED. Because of other problems, I didn't want to use Viagra, etc. My wife has not been interested in sex the last couple of years. Before that, she was interested, but not overly. She does enjoy hugging, etc., particularly after we get in bed. I just look at it as another aspect of our lives that is gone, and not due to AD. We are both in our late 70's.
How about this.......... no sex, no hugs, no kiss on the cheek, no kiss anywhere,no pat on the back, no cuddling, no physical contact of any kind. I'm having a very difficult time living with no affection. I know things will get much worse as the other problems get worse, in the meantime, this is how we are living.
Texannie, that's just how it is at my house too. Husband has always had a hard time with affection - holding hands, kissing, hugs, etc. but we did have a sex life. During the last couple of years of anything, foreplay was a clap on the back as my signal. Those were the years where, looking back, the symptoms began. It was like total withdrawal from me emotionally. Now, it's been 6 years. It's been such a lonely life because he still doesn't acknowledge anything beyond bad memory. We've never talked or shared about any of it. Fortunately, he's not miserable, mad or angry the way others describe.
Liz, my DH never had a problem showing affection,this was the first thing that happened, his total withdrawel from me. I had absolutely no clue what was going on. I went to a therapist and I remember her saying," Do you think he has Alzheimer's?" I said "Oh no it couldn't be anything like that." He was diagnosed with Moderate Alzheimer's about 15 months later.
Well, Briegull since you asked ...... My wife M and I hug, hold hands, kiss, flirt and pet randomly during the day. She is stage 6+. She is 74 and I 72. We still love each other very much after 42 years of marriage. She can hardly talk nowdays, but she does like to hug and be touched. At night she will hug me in bed and say she is "strong girl" We still have a bit of intimacy every week or so, but I must take Viagra to make it happen. Outside of the home, she will sometimes surprise me with a kiss in the supermarket or in a parking lot. I always gently change the subject so as not to be too much of a public spectacle. I am thankful for Aricept, Namenda, Paxil and Seroquel that suppresses really bad behavour that would otherwise happen.
I had no idea that this was such an issue for people. I just new I was losing my patience and felt as if I was being stocked or smothered. It obviously hits home for a lot of folks. I'm glad I asked the question. I don't feel so isolated anymore.
where but here could we be so honest! I'm impressed. Mine completely withdrew after prostate surgery (enlargement) about 15 years ago .. and now sometimes he will put his hand out and pat me which he hadn't done in years.
"I so remember wanting him to just be quiet, someone on one of the boards said to me one day you will just want him to talk, they were so right."
I always am so struck by the allegory between AD and children, the progression backwards. Take the above sentence and switch it around. With our kids, "I so remember wanting them to just talk, someone told me one day you will want them to just be quiet, they were so right."
I dont think its random that the end stages of AD are in a fetal position at all. we began in one in the womb and in the rewinding of the AD mind it seems logical they would end in that as well.
my DH still does like to hold hands, hugs and tells me he loves me at times. this is in late stage 6. so i feel very fortunate his feelings for me are still evident for now.but then he was always very vocal about his feelings- i am so sorry for those ofyou suffering the pains of verbal abuse, and isolation of even the smallest physical affection now from the one you love. if i didnt think my DH appreciated or loved me enough during the good yrs, i doubt seriously i would be here doing what i do today. divvi
I echo Divvi's comments as they are pretty much identical to mine -- I realize after reading so many of your situations that I am indeed blessed. My DH still says "hi beautiful" when he sees me after I enter the room or if I go out & come back...even if I've been outside & am sweaty (Hot in TX), he still says the sweet words & smiles...I hug him & say "oh you've got those Rose Colored Glasses on again today"...he just laughs :) He is appreciative (most of the time), but especially so during these last few weeks when we've been dealing with his restlessness (see thread about that & withdrawal from anti-psychotic meds)...he just says "I'm so sorry" and "I appreciate you"...I keep reminding him that we are a team! And, that when we signed up for this, we said "for better; for worse; for richer; for poorer; in sickness and in health"...little did I know I'd be dealing with this much heartache. I guess we never know what the future will hold...I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance...and the dance has been wonderful!!
As for the sexual behavior... I use to joke that when Lynn had to retire, I became his full time job! I was concerned for his health so I did mention it to his doctor. I was told that it could be part of the disease, but it would pass. It did. But he was never has some of you have mentioned. It was never "just sex" It was as it always had been, until Alzheimer’s robbed us of that as well.
Comment Author nancy1940 Comment Time 27 minutes ago edit delete
My DH is getting more and more demanding. All he thinks of is sex and he wants me to be a willing partner and I just cannot respond to his demands and expectations. He just got mad because I refused and he starts putting me down and getting nasty. I'm still waiting for the Risperdal med to arrive and it will be none too soon. I want to put it in his pill box before I leave for my sisters house on Monday, I think. I was suppose to go this Wednesday but he had an appt. I figure it will be in his system by time I get back and I emailed his daughter that his dr. said he is suppose to take it and was suppose to for the last 2 months. He is just being so unreasonable and grabs me and probes me and when I tell him to stop, he says'Now that didn't hurt did it?' He is never satisfied and he would do it all day if he could. A few months ago he wasn't this demanding and we only did it occasionly and he had trouble even getting an erection. Now he is like a horny 17 year old on his honeymoon. Some people may think that would be nice but it gets old fast and I feel no affection for him. I don't mind caring for him but this is bad and I'm afraid he'll get too mad when I refuse sometime. He gets offended so easily and it is getting worse. I know I have to handle it myself and call authorities if he gets so mean that I can't handle it. Its just that jail is not for him and I don't want to do that to him.
Thank you, Joan. I was afraid it may be inappropriate to talk about and haven't seen it for a while. But I used to enjoy sex very much but this is really turning me off. I guess I just do not trust him and if you don't have trust you can't relax. And enough is enough! Not several times a day! Sometimes I want to scream. He used to listen when I told him no. Nancy
You said "He used to listen when I told him no." That was when his brain was normal. We say all the time that the reasoning button is now broken. That applies to sex also.
Nothing about this disease is easy, but as you can see from all of these posts, you are not alone.
Nancy, I gauge that as cruelty and even though he has AD you should not have to be mistreated. I hope you can get a med soon that will give you some peace.
Nancy, In the normal world, not the AD world, making you have sex when you say no, is rape. Yes a husband can rape his wife. You are entitled to refuse sex even if you are married. & that is a legal definition in the court system for married women. But it sounds more like you are agreeing to sex more than being forced into it, because you are afraid of his reaction if you refuse. That is a terrible way to live. Can you say, later, I'm busy doing ___________ right now. If you keep postponing it, maybe it won't be as often. I hope you can get him on some medication that will stop his desire.
i hadt the same problrem, could not even get any sleep, and it certainly did nothelp that he could not actually perform. xeprexia has been a life andsanity saver. Insist your doctor help you, they routinely givemeds for this in the nursing homes
Thanks girls, I never heard of Xeprexia but I have been out of nursing for a while. I am a RN and have had plenty of experience with AD since I worked for 11 years in the county nursing home. I loved the AD patients and felt sorry for their spouses because many times they did not know them or took up with other men or women. I do try to postpone as much as I can but he has a one track mind. He is pouting now because I refused last night and when I told him he just did it night before, he said it had been 3 days and it was my duty to please him. He doesn't drop it and all I do is talk in circles with him. He has no other interests or friends he wants to be with. Nancy
Ok Briegull and the rest of you ladies. I have posted on this previously, so I won't repeat myself, but, I miss it, I want it, and (the Good Lord willing) I plan on having it again someday if I am physically able to perform. However, I have never been unfaithful (not bragging, just the way I was raised) to my wife and I never will be.
You are right tho about the cuddling and love making. Sex for just sex is not very fulfilling. I recently posted that my DW, out of nowhere, asked me recently if I wanted to have sex. No kissing, holding hands, cuddling, or anything else. Just sex. She would never do this in the past and it half way scared me, but, it did give me a temporary thrill. But is sure was temporary, because she had forgotten about the offer 10 minutes later. Oh, well.........
I would like to have your opinion tho about this. I almost wondered if it would be wrong if I took her up on her offer. Would I be taking advantage of a handicapped person. Or, is her mental condition such that she isn't competent to make that offer.
As you can see, I have weird thoughts. Probably to the extent that neither you nor anyone else could help me with them. But, I don't think that I'm hopeless. What a contradiction??.
I will tell you tho, that I am stuck with an old time, small town, southern upbringing and there isn't anything I can do about it. Because of that, I could never take advantage of my DW or any other lady.
Ain't anonymity great? I could never discuss this with ladies present, and if we ever pass each other on the street, we won't know that we shared these thoughts.
Your question - "I almost wondered if it would be wrong if I took her up on her offer. Would I be taking advantage of a handicapped person. Or, is her mental condition such that she isn't competent to make that offer." is one that has been brought up before by some brave men here. The opinions are split. Some men feel that, given their wives' condition, it would be like making love to a child, and therefore, they do not do it. Some have gone so far as to say they would feel that they were "raping" their wives. Other men derive comfort and satisfaction if they receive a positive response from their wives.
It is an individual decision, and you have to do what feels right to you. I would suggest the next time you get the offer, to try it and see what happens. If either one of you is uncomfortable during it, you will know not to do it again. Conversely, if it goes well, you can do it again.