It’s been 4 years now that my wife was diagnosed with EOA. We have been married for 42 years and it has not been a good relationship... We can even say that it was toxic, based on lust and not love, but we managed to carry on... About 25+ years ago, I seriously considered a divorce and reneged: a business, 3 children, the heartache that it would have caused, finances,... I have never strayed nor has she, or so I think. Fast forward to today: the illness stopped any rapport and conversation whatsoever, there are no light moments or humor, let’s not talk about intimacy as it completely disappeared from her point of view years ago. I make all of the decisions, cook, do the finances, drive to all appointments, write letters and emails, call friends and family, and this spirals down inch by inch every day. Her attitude has become combative, aggressive, complaining about the smallest matter, and generally very bitter. I try to remain calm, but it becomes difficult at times. Love is foreign in this union,I even doubt that it was ever there... We had to marry, then had 3 children in 4 years... As I said, there was lust at one time... Today, I am 69 years old, in good physical shape, a business owner, and craving a true loving partner.. I will not abandon her and wish her to be comfortable until the last moment, but life is still an option, or is it not?
Welcome Jazzman. You are not the only one as there are others here that didn't have the best marriages including me. This disease makes it even harder to show warmth and compassion towards. Some can keep that spousal feeling but others of us they are no longer our spouse but someone we have to care for. Companionship is something we all yearn for - a loving, man/woman companionship. We all miss being able to have a conversation, be able to bounce things off of, get another opinion, have help in making decisions. Some have even found someone while their spouse is still alive but their new friend has to know their spouse comes first.
It sounds like maybe some medication to help with the anger. Have you spoken to her doctor about the behavior?
It is nice you still have your business to give you something to do for part of the day.
Next month marks 11 years since my husband was diagnosed. I placed him last September but brought him home after 6 weeks due to poor care. I placed him again the 6th of this month but 65 miles away. There is life but it has been put on hold all these years. Now that I am alone after almost 48 years, I am trying to redefine what my life will be. It will be different just how I don't know yet.
Good Morning Jazzman, AD is something that puts a strain even on happy marriages. Monday the 4th will be our 60th anniversary. No marriage is perfect, I told my husband just last week, we said for better or worse, in sickness and in health, richer or poorer, in laughter and in tears. And, we've had all of them. We're about 10 years into this disease, but only the last few years have been bad. He has an explosive temper - the good thing is, he doesn't remember it for long. However, he is mad at me just about every day for some reason or another - imagined or real - but he will forget it and swear it's all in my mind. It has taken me a long time to accept this isn't my husband. I do love him and miss intimacy with him - I just don't always like him, frequently I don't like him, LOL.
I can understand you don't have years of a good marriage behind you to help you through this time,........and wonder if this will be your life forever. I now accept this will probably be my life as long as I live, even if he goes before I do, I'll be too old to try and start a new life -- but if you go back through some of the older discussions you'll find there are those, think it's been usually men, who are able to find another partner and begin a new life. There are also a number of discussions in older posts about finding someone to enjoy and share with, while your wife is still alive. Right or wrong or the only solution that makes life bearable is an individual decision. I don't remember the exact month but this forum has a search engine on the home page under discussions I believe, where you can go back and find them. There is a lot of information here from years ago. When I first joined, and sometimes now, I just pick a discussion at random. Sometimes it was from a few years ago but the subject matter is still relevant and the discussion gives me some help.
You have three children together, do they live close? do they understand your situation? I'm have the same responsibilities you have, which is one of the things I hate, having the entire responsibility for everything. But our boys live across the country and we only see them when they visit although we talk frequently. I think it may make a difference that all three have cared for their in-laws with AD. Not at all sure the DILs would be so accommodating for my husband. He has always been a difficult man to live with, just his childhood and personality, but always loving and giving. Now they live in different states, have young grandchildren of their own, I'm positive they want to get on with their lives now.
But keep reading, there is a lot of information here, everyone is going through the same thing, on the same roller coaster ride, so nothing is new. Like they say when you visit your doctor -- he has heard everything there is so don't be embarrassed to ask difficult questions. Glad you found this forum.
Jazzman7 ....I feel that I have to tell you a little story. For the last two years of my dear wife's life she never recognized me as her husband. She would ask me what my name was and I would tell her I'm George. Then she would say, "You're not George". Then I would have to say, "I'm the other George", and she would be OK with that. ....She would ask me questions like "Where do you live?, Are you married?, do you have children?, Do you have a car?, How did you get into this house?" Also she would sometimes ask " Where is George?". I would always give her an appropriate answer. I found that we could spend a nice evening together, holding hands and watching TV with me playing the part of the other George. ....In bed at night, she would say things like, "I'm not supposed to be sleeping with you", and "What if George finds out about us?". Sometimes she would tell me about the good times she and George had together, And other times she would tell about times when George was mean to her. ....Through it all, if I was trying to force her to do something, I was the real George, the mean George, but if things were going smoothly, I was always the other George. ....For her last eight months, I couldn't care for her at home anymore and I had to place her in a nursing home. and though I visited her about three hours every day and would hold her hand and talk to her, I was still the other George. I think she enjoyed my visits but she also enjoyed being close to other men. Either other clients or the staff that worked there. ....At the stage she was in, there was not much for her to be happy about, and when as she sat in her wheelchair in the hallway and would reach out to the janitor as he was walking by, and he would stop and talk to her and give her a little hug, I could see happiness in her face and it made me happy also. No matter what the situation, I still loved her and above everything, I wanted her to be happy. ....I.ve learned that for a dementia caregiver and spouse, Happiness is very difficult to find........I wholeheartedly took what I could get. ............................................................GeorgieBoy
Charlotte, oakridge, george: Thank you for your words of comfort. I will look for earlier posts to find out about similar situations, as this may have happened to others. Our children live in another state and are generally helpful and concerned, but have also their own lives to manage. I don’t blame them for it, and anticipate that they’ll be here if the need arises. The current situation is difficult but not yet unbearable. It takes a toll on me, because I now realize that I am the one to give care to someone with whom I shared a life without having loved her. Fate has its twisted reasons...