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    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTimeFeb 10th 2019
     
    This just came up recently, discussing types of trusts. My husband is 5 yrs older than I am, but even with AD he seems to get healthier each year. There is a real possibility, short of an accident, that I will predecease him.

    What a can of worms, he's very concerned about what will happen if I go first and I don't really have something to tell him. Financially nothing will change other than needing someone to handle them - of course if he had to be put in a home that would change too. Our boys have taken care of their in-laws to the extent I'm not sure how happy they would be to do it all over again :) We have both lived longer than expected given family history.

    Just wondering if anyone has any recommendations for this scenario? We've just always assumed he would go first -- but that's not a given these days.
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      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeFeb 10th 2019
     
    I have my DPOA done in case I go first. My ex dil said she would be next on Art's so if anything happens to me she has full responsibility of him. I really had to address this almost five years ago when I had my hysterectomy, especially after cancer was found. Thankfully surgery got it all. Then a year ago I had a breast cancer scare, which turned our benign, but still made me think since he was still home. We both had Medic Alert bracelets where they had all the information in case I could not talk.
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeFeb 10th 2019
     
    I made up detailed directions for my brothers who are my trustees, but live on the east coast. I have a neighbor/friend whose husband has some health issues. We’ve exchanged house keys and family contact information. I have a wallet card that I made up for myself with lots of contact and emergency information. I gave Jim’s sister a detailed assessment of his status and suggestions of what to do to get him safely taken care of if I had died before him. I kept that updated as things changed. I also organized the finances as best I could so it would be seamless if one of my brothers had to take over.
    • CommentAuthorpaulc
    • CommentTimeFeb 11th 2019
     
    I recommend seeing an eldercare attorney to ensure that you have everything set up properly for your husband. There are various legal things you need to be sure of or your estate may not go the way you expect.
  1.  
    I had everything set up so that my daughter and son-in-law would have the responsibility if I had died before DH. They had durable power-of-attorneys. Of course, it would have been a total train wreck (and they ended up separating just after he died), but it was the best I could do. I told my daughter that the money was there to take care of him, but he had no ability to manage it, so she and her husband would have to place him and keep an eye on things. There was nobody left on his side who could have/would have been able to do it.
    • CommentAuthormyrtle*
    • CommentTimeFeb 11th 2019 edited
     
    Oakridge, When we saw the elder care lawyer for our wills, etc., she said I needed someone who was willing to step in immediately and take charge of my husband if I became incapacitated or died suddenly. My sister offered to do this. If this had happened, I expect that she would have admitted him to a LTC facility but the important thing was that she would have been in charge.

    As for the legal stuff, my sister was named as his alternate health care proxy (after me) and alternate attorney-in-fact on his durable power of attorney. My will left everything in trust for his benefit with my sister as the trustee. There was no separate trust document, since it was not needed for other purposes, like Medicaid planning.

    But that was just the legal part of it. The important thing was that my sister would step in immediately and take care of him if I got hit by a bus.
    • CommentAuthormyrtle*
    • CommentTimeFeb 11th 2019 edited
     
    The thing about Alzheimer's is that it pushes people to their limits and often reveals them for who they really are.

    When our lawyer told me to ask someone if they would take total charge of my husband if I died, I asked his daughter and she said it depended on how much money he had. I was shocked and offended. I was telling my sister about this and without my even asking, she offered to be the person in charge. Looking back, I realize I have to take into account that his daughter lived out West and would have to move him there and put him in LTC. On the other hand, she was very well-off and sophisticated about money and legal issues - a "tough cookie" as they say.

    What I do know for sure is that she loved her father and she showed that in many ways, so I have put this behind me. However, I also keep in mind the words of the poet, Maya Angelou: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
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      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeFeb 11th 2019
     
    Myrtle, if she is very well off, could be she didn't want to spend any of her money on his care. I think many are under the impression that to place them they would have to use their own money. But my understanding unless you agree to that, only the money they have can be counted. I have told people in support groups to never offer to pay the balance.

    I choose my ex-DIL even though they were separated and knew a divorce was in the future, because she knows well how to play the system and would abide by our wishes. The same for my DPOA - I wanted someone who even if they did not agree to my end of life terms, would carry them out. Neither of us are DNR nor do I want measures taken if it doesn't result in a full recovery. Otherwise, no life support, no feeding tubes, no DNR.
    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTimeFeb 11th 2019
     
    Yes, we have most of the financial/legal stuff done -- just waiting on the weather to settle before we can get back in to the elder attorney. I spoke with the one in the local town but decided to go with another one, a woman, about 30 miles away. Have to keep rescheduling all apps since the weather keeps changing.

    My concerns were more what will happen to him -- his concern actually -- if I die first. Until we started this I hadn't realized how much our lives had changed and the plans we had made 15 yrs ago were no longer valid. The kids live on the west coast and I know he wouldn't want to move back to CA. It's possible our youngest son and his wife would be interested in moving back here if it's not too soon. As I've said the boys have taken care of their in-laws for years but not sure how the DILs would feel about taking care of him, he can be difficult. A nursing home on the west coast away from everything he knows he would decline fast.

    Ideally, it would be best for him to stay in this house, our upstairs is a complete, one bedroom appt, so would be possible to have a live in caretaker. I guess who is going to make those decisions is the hardest decision we have now. We had never thought in terms of him outliving me.