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    • CommentAuthorljc12154
    • CommentTimeJan 30th 2019
     
    My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease in 2014. This disease has caused a significant deterioration in him and in our relationship that began when we were 16 years old over 49 years ago. He is obsessed with sex it seems. I on the other hand have completely loss interest in that part of our relationship. He is so moody, difficult to talk to, has trouble remembering and occasionally has temper tantrums. He acts like a petulant child and this is a real turn off along with his outburst. I don't know what else to say. I have been married for 43 years and I don't think I can go on with these outbursts that come when I am not in an amorous mood which is daily. I am at my wits end. He is always mad at me and is now saying that he wants a divorce.
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeJan 30th 2019
     
    My experience in reading this forum for 10 years is that men having Alzheimer's is usually much more problematic than women for us spouses. I can think of only a couple of people who's wives became aggressive or demanding or blaming as a general behavior. I can think of dozens of such stories as yours.

    I'm sorry that you're going through this. Many of the people who went through Alzheimer's on this board had long relationships such as yours and almost all of them have had their hearts broken by Alzheimer's alone - without the hurtful behaviors some show.

    It's almost impossible to retain the fact that in their unaltered form they would never behave like this, don't want a divorce, and would apologize profusely, which is probably true in your case as well given that you were high school sweethearts. It's the disease that's causing these changes. Knowing that doesn't help much in how hurtful it is to live with this.

    There may be an approach that could help you with the sex thing. Tell him that it's painful for you and even go to your doctor about it and explain what is happening so that there is a record with your GP. Many women after menopause do experience more discomfort and perhaps taking an approach like that will make him back off.

    He isn't the same as he was but his behavior now is real and unfortunately that's what you have to deal with. Don't make the mistake of believing your lifetime partner wants to divorce you. Understand that you're both suffering from the affects of this disease.
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeJan 30th 2019
     
    Welcome, ljc12154, to the group no one wants to join.
    I agree with Wolf. Tell him it’s painful for you or just keep putting things off. I was fortunate in this area in that it had become very painful for me and he agreed to abstain before Alzheimer’s. (I had offered to go back on hormones but didn’t like side effects.) But that’s neither here nor there. If it’s not painful for you, this brings up another difficulty we all struggle with. It is difficult to learn to lie. We call them fiblets sometimes. With Alzheimer’s we need to learn to accept their reality and never ARGUE, REASON, OR EXPLAIN. Sometimes the kindest thing is to fib.

    When I was on the roller coaster I kept refusing to medicate him. Mostly because he had no idea he had Alzheimer’s and because he never took medications even for a headache. I waited too long. I was unlucky in that the first neurologist who diagnosed him was really bad and we wouldn’t go back to him. I should have seen another one, but they are rare around here. Eventually I ended up with the VA geriatric clinic and saw a geriatric psychiatrist. I suggest you find one of those and try medications. Ours prescribed depakote as a mood stabilizer. It changed our lives. She said this was a better first try rather than antipsychotics that are sometimes used.

    Your guy may resist having you go to the doctor with him. I just started going with him. I just went in with him when they called him and my presence meant they could talk to me and listen to me. If he can still sign paperwork you can fill out a form. I wrote a one page summary for his doctor about what had changed and what we needed that day. His doctor was totally thankful for that and willing to work with me.

    Also check out adult day care places in your area. A good place to start collecting information is your local Office on Aging (might be called something different in your county). The first time I looked at one I didn’t believe my husband would tolerate it. A year later I tried it and he stayed there a few days per week. We had to start the medication then because he got too agitated in the afternoons, but I had to have a break!
    •  
      CommentAuthormary75*
    • CommentTimeJan 30th 2019 edited
     
    LInda, welcome to this site. Tell us a little about yourself. Where are you from? (I'm from Vancouver, Canada.)
    Wolf, a thoughtful and helpful post, as usual.
    Quesiton for Wolf: I know your're a champion soup maker.. Have your tried your hand at baking bread yet?
    •  
      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeJan 30th 2019
     
    I agree with bhv - medication may be necessary both for him and you. If you are not on an antidepressant consider it. I went on one and it helped a lot. He definitely could use medication to help him cope even if he doesn't realize it.
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeJan 30th 2019
     
    Mary, I've answered you on the January thread.
  1.  
    Well,well. I have the total opposite problem No touching, cuddling, kissing, hugging and definitely no sex. Once a month maybe I get a peck on the cheek but that's it.We've been together 30 years and cuddled every night before AD and VD came into our lives. @ljc12154 I don't envy you but do wish there was some middle ground for both of us. :)
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      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeFeb 5th 2019
     
    Don't feel alone. Mine doesn't like me to touch him.
  2.  
    Sex just kind of faded away like the morning dew...which was just as well. We had always been a close couple...but who wants to do it with somebody who has lost their marbles? Just doesn't seem right...and takes away all desire to voh--dee--oh--doh. Once in a while there was some affection, like a hug or a friendly smooch. But that was rare. His mind was just gone...he just wasn't there anymore.
    • CommentAuthorRodstar43
    • CommentTimeMar 23rd 2019
     
    This is a touch subject for many who are in this alzheimer's battle. If new to this new "normal" then even talking about it for someone who has been married for many years can and is difficult. First, you are not alone. As the others said it is the disease. There are many aspects to this "sex" thing. First off It is not you. My wife of 56 years died last year. For the previous 9 years I abstained because it hurt and in her case there was good reasons beside the age thing. The same year she was diagnosed she had to have prolapses repaired. Three of them. The mesh that was used just made things painful. Also, it is hard to be amorous when other unpleasant things are happening, and that is normal too. Towards the end for me, why try. It would be like raping a little girl. Complications. Find away to get doctors to help you and your husband.
    Also, do not be timid about bringing up these touchy subjects. The men and women here understand and "get it". We either have been there or are treading thorough the mud and quicksand layers of this disease.
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      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeMar 23rd 2019
     
    Good to hear from you Rod.
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeMar 23rd 2019
     
    Personally I never found abstinence to be much of a challenge either. Over the ten years before AD we were slowing down quite a bit anyway. What was once urgent had settled down to nice once in a while. We talked about that but both felt it was just a natural thing.

    In the years after we knew she had AD, it fairly quickly took over everything anyway and then it became like taking advantage of her which never came up so to speak, because she was far away from having any conception about it. I can't recall missing it because she was dying steadily and sex just wasn't something on my mind.

    They don't talk much about men who have little interest in sex for it's own sake and need the relationship to be inclined. I couldn't possibly ever get it up for a prostitute, whom I don't criticize but I can't imagine the deadness inside - or being aroused in such circumstances.

    Other people feel differently about it and I get that and I support them in the idea that everybody is entitled to be themselves. I don't judge what consenting adults do together for pleasure. Batman costumes, schoolgirl outfits, handcuffs, on top, on the bottom, swinging in the trees - knock yourselves out.

    When one party in a relationship doesn't want sex, there is no duty to have it. There's nothing in marriage vows like that. Having needs applies to a lot of things in life such as my need for a Mercedes, but wanting doesn't make us entitled.

    The truth is the full emancipation of our women is still emerging where another truth is that the best among us sometimes have vaginas. Fully emancipated women fully employ deciding for themselves one imagines, and then giving a drop kick to the head of the fool with the groping hand - one imagines. Then maybe people like Harvey will learn the difference between having needs and whipping out the trouser snake to take license in the public view of...well, everybody practically.

    Or one of my favourite examples, Tiger Woods, who had everything and gave up his wife, his kids, his house, his money, his career, and his reputation to boink waitresses. Ten years later he's almost a good golfer again. Life's like that sometimes. Or so I hear.

    Or, finally, my own experience with too much information when I answered a friend who was telling me I'm still a young man and should find a good woman that I already had a rich and satisfying sex life, thanks very much. She ran away screaming with her hands over her ears because she didn't want to know that. Don't bring it up then I should have called out instead of feeling like Charlie Brown when Lucy yanked the football away - again.

    Nice to hear from you Rodstar. All the best to you.
  3.  
    This part has been a challenge for me considering my husband's dementia began when I was in my late 30's. Labor Day Weekend 2012 and even then it had been declining for some time. But I will still say that what I miss MOST is the companionship. Not having either is daily struggle and doesn't feel natural at 45, but it's the cards I was dealt, so I will play them.
    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTimeApr 24th 2019
     
    While I definitely miss the intimate part of our life, more than anything, I miss my husband. The man I live with now looks like him and sounds like him, but that's about it. The man I fell in love with and married ages ago is no longer here. We used to talk about growing old together, sitting on the front porch in our rocking chairs. My Mother and sister both died with AZ so I did have some concerns for myself, but I never, ever, thought my brilliant husband would be the one to to develop it and change so much.

    Even if I was inclined to find someone to be with, short of tackling some man in the grocery store, I have no idea where I would meet such a person. Nor any idea when I'd find the time or energy :)
  4.  
    oakridge - I am with you on that too. I miss my husband too - I don't see him in there anymore. He's more like a child that I am responsible for, and I feel like his mother. I know he depends on me, and I know my place is taking care of him for as long as I can even though there are days I am not sure I have the strength to keep going. I pray everyday for God to give me strength, guidance, and patience.
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      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeApr 25th 2019
     
    The world puts so much emphasis on sex but when life happens and it is gone, you look at it differently. I was in my late 30s when ED started being a problem. By the time he was diagnosis at 60, I was 55, sex was history. He would try but never any luck. I blamed myself all those years for his ED problem until maybe 5 years ago. But we did not have intimacy either. Things happened in the early 80s and he was diagnosed with 'detached personality disorder' which I think may have been associated with his Alzheimer's. I have read and it was probably the 'emotional detached personality'. It has only been in the last couple years as the disease progresses that he has attached to me as his lifeline.

    Every thing about this disease sucks!
    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTimeApr 25th 2019
     
    Intimacy, and sex, is the difference between friends and roommates. It's what sets a marriage apart. The act of being intimate with your spouse is what cements the relationship and brings you closer together.

    Having to go from a wife, to feeling like his mother - is so hard for me. I don't want to be his mother - that's a completely different relationship. Yet he is dependent on me and even though he occasionally gets into a grab ass mood - it isn't intimacy - it's just one of his tricks he knows irritates me. I even suspect some of his.....not sure what to call them.....moods? are to punish me. I could be wrong but seems like when he is unhappy with something he finds a way to push my buttons. He isn't physical but can be verbally aggressive....and if I say that hurts my feelings when you say that, he puts an innocent act on.
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      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeApr 25th 2019
     
    oakrigde -that sound just like child behavior which I know you agree is.
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      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMay 12th 2019
     
    well maybe this will bring a smile to some going thru the sexual thing,years ago when my wife was into the 3-4th year of Alzheimers we were in bed one night and I was half asleep and she woke me up and said your going to have to leave?Huh? what did you say? your going to have to leave my husband will be home from work soon!Hmmm took quite awhile for me to get back to sleep that night
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      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeMay 12th 2019
     
    lol Might have gotten up, left then come in and say 'honey I'm home'!