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    • CommentAuthorljc12154
    • CommentTimeJan 30th 2019
    My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease in 2014. This disease has caused a significant deterioration in him and in our relationship that began when we were 16 years old over 49 years ago. He is obsessed with sex it seems. I on the other hand have completely loss interest in that part of our relationship. He is so moody, difficult to talk to, has trouble remembering and occasionally has temper tantrums. He acts like a petulant child and this is a real turn off along with his outburst. I don't know what else to say. I have been married for 43 years and I don't think I can go on with these outbursts that come when I am not in an amorous mood which is daily. I am at my wits end. He is always mad at me and is now saying that he wants a divorce.
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeJan 30th 2019
    My experience in reading this forum for 10 years is that men having Alzheimer's is usually much more problematic than women for us spouses. I can think of only a couple of people who's wives became aggressive or demanding or blaming as a general behavior. I can think of dozens of such stories as yours.

    I'm sorry that you're going through this. Many of the people who went through Alzheimer's on this board had long relationships such as yours and almost all of them have had their hearts broken by Alzheimer's alone - without the hurtful behaviors some show.

    It's almost impossible to retain the fact that in their unaltered form they would never behave like this, don't want a divorce, and would apologize profusely, which is probably true in your case as well given that you were high school sweethearts. It's the disease that's causing these changes. Knowing that doesn't help much in how hurtful it is to live with this.

    There may be an approach that could help you with the sex thing. Tell him that it's painful for you and even go to your doctor about it and explain what is happening so that there is a record with your GP. Many women after menopause do experience more discomfort and perhaps taking an approach like that will make him back off.

    He isn't the same as he was but his behavior now is real and unfortunately that's what you have to deal with. Don't make the mistake of believing your lifetime partner wants to divorce you. Understand that you're both suffering from the affects of this disease.
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeJan 30th 2019
    Welcome, ljc12154, to the group no one wants to join.
    I agree with Wolf. Tell him it’s painful for you or just keep putting things off. I was fortunate in this area in that it had become very painful for me and he agreed to abstain before Alzheimer’s. (I had offered to go back on hormones but didn’t like side effects.) But that’s neither here nor there. If it’s not painful for you, this brings up another difficulty we all struggle with. It is difficult to learn to lie. We call them fiblets sometimes. With Alzheimer’s we need to learn to accept their reality and never ARGUE, REASON, OR EXPLAIN. Sometimes the kindest thing is to fib.

    When I was on the roller coaster I kept refusing to medicate him. Mostly because he had no idea he had Alzheimer’s and because he never took medications even for a headache. I waited too long. I was unlucky in that the first neurologist who diagnosed him was really bad and we wouldn’t go back to him. I should have seen another one, but they are rare around here. Eventually I ended up with the VA geriatric clinic and saw a geriatric psychiatrist. I suggest you find one of those and try medications. Ours prescribed depakote as a mood stabilizer. It changed our lives. She said this was a better first try rather than antipsychotics that are sometimes used.

    Your guy may resist having you go to the doctor with him. I just started going with him. I just went in with him when they called him and my presence meant they could talk to me and listen to me. If he can still sign paperwork you can fill out a form. I wrote a one page summary for his doctor about what had changed and what we needed that day. His doctor was totally thankful for that and willing to work with me.

    Also check out adult day care places in your area. A good place to start collecting information is your local Office on Aging (might be called something different in your county). The first time I looked at one I didn’t believe my husband would tolerate it. A year later I tried it and he stayed there a few days per week. We had to start the medication then because he got too agitated in the afternoons, but I had to have a break!
    • CommentTimeJan 30th 2019 edited
    LInda, welcome to this site. Tell us a little about yourself. Where are you from? (I'm from Vancouver, Canada.)
    Wolf, a thoughtful and helpful post, as usual.
    Quesiton for Wolf: I know your're a champion soup maker.. Have your tried your hand at baking bread yet?
    • CommentTimeJan 30th 2019
    I agree with bhv - medication may be necessary both for him and you. If you are not on an antidepressant consider it. I went on one and it helped a lot. He definitely could use medication to help him cope even if he doesn't realize it.
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeJan 30th 2019
    Mary, I've answered you on the January thread.
    Well,well. I have the total opposite problem No touching, cuddling, kissing, hugging and definitely no sex. Once a month maybe I get a peck on the cheek but that's it.We've been together 30 years and cuddled every night before AD and VD came into our lives. @ljc12154 I don't envy you but do wish there was some middle ground for both of us. :)
    • CommentTimeFeb 5th 2019
    Don't feel alone. Mine doesn't like me to touch him.
    Sex just kind of faded away like the morning dew...which was just as well. We had always been a close couple...but who wants to do it with somebody who has lost their marbles? Just doesn't seem right...and takes away all desire to voh--dee--oh--doh. Once in a while there was some affection, like a hug or a friendly smooch. But that was rare. His mind was just gone...he just wasn't there anymore.