As I mentioned last week, we had several really good weekends. DH is trying very hard to "be good." On Friday, after he got home, we went to the garage and hung out and visited until midnight. We have done this in the past but not lately. He always gets so tired. He talked about so much. About how his boss/friend "flies off the handle" and how he doesn't want to act like that to me anymore. He says he knows he does it and is going to stop. He said he got paid and tomorrow we were going to discuss how to spend the money "like adults and not like children." He also talked about how he was not going to let the little things bother him anymore. He did everything but admit he had a problem. Saturday was a good day even though his mother visited for a while about stressful, family things. It was still a good day and has been about three weeks since I noticed any major, show-stopping events. During this time, I thought that may be there isn't anything wrong with him that it was just stress.
Sunday morning, the phone rang and it was the mother of our son's ex-wife. We are dealing with things and I would not have answered the phone, if I knew it was her. It took me 10 minutes of trying to be cordial yet defending us and our son to finally end the call. The lawyer told us all not to let ourselves be pulled into a shouting match with them. I did not have the option of hanging up on her. It would not have helped our son's case with his children. After the call, everything changed for DH. He wondered why I even talked to her, why didn't I hang up, we should call the cops, she isn't supposed to call.(not correct) Then he started in on our son. This is all his fault because, etc. etc. etc. Then other bad things about son. then comparing our daughter to our son.
It went on all day. During this time, he wanted to go over bills and our mortgage amortization papers. These made him nervous. He forgot how to run the TV controller and threw it. That controller has nine lives. After his shower, he wondered where the four bars of soap went that he had put in the bathroom on Friday. He said it was all gone. Someone must have taken it. I told him that I had not bought soap in the last two weeks and it was three weeks ago that he took the soap down. Later, I found 1/2 a bar of soap in the garbage probably from last week. Then our son-in-law showed up to cut a door down in our garage with our table saw. DH did not get up to go help him right away and I knew he would need help, so I went out. Probably 20 minutes later, DH came out and started helping him. DH acted like either he didn't know he was out there or he had just gotten there. This is really out of character for DH. There were other things too. I found myself answering the same question several times. He was very hot and didn't feel good. I got him out to the garage for a while to help settle him down and it worked to a point. About that time, son called to let us talk with the children before he dropped them off at their mother's. After that call, DH did a bit of a turn around and was more content. Not all the way back but a noticeable change.
The thing that always bothers me most is the anger level and the agitation. And I really don't like it when our son gets all of the guff. Later in the evening, he acted sulky and wouldn't talk unless I did first. This morning, I was helping him get his work things together like I have all the other Mondays and I realized that he had done a load of laundry and it was in the dryer. I took everything out of the dryer and asked him if he needed any of these clothes packed for work. He asked me if I had AZ as I have helped him get ready for the last two months and I should know by now what he takes to work. (He has always packed his clothes and is very particular what he takes and what he leaves home. He never takes his good jeans or his good working t-shirts.) He was quite onary. So, I did what Kitty is trying so hard to do and just handled it without reacting. this is so hard to do because our inner instinct tells us that we need to strike out and defend our self. It is not human nature to be passive and let someone do this to you. I could tell that the agitation was still there.
I have thought really hard about if his behavior is related to stress or this. But I don't believe it is entirely stress. If it was, he couldn't switch his moods on and off like he does. I also don't think that a stress reaction could last so long (days sometimes) if there wasn't something else going on. In the past, when he had stress reactions, he always wanted to talk and he was usually sad. And when the stress was related to someone else, he never made it out like it was my fault.
Any thoughts? I did ask DS to ask DX-wife to ask her mother not to call us. And I am not going to ever take a call again when I don't recognize the number.
Mary, just some practical suggestion. It is sometimes possible to block a number on your phone so you don't even see the call. Check your phone's manual and see if you can do it that way. You could also ask your phone company.
Frankly I can't see any reason why you would ever take another phone call from that family, so blocking it, if you can do it, is the way to go.
The second one is just from my own experience when my husband was not talking to me. I realized it was a good thing. If he wasn't talking, that meant he wasn't saying bad things to me. I just sat in the room, reading my books, watching TV, and knitting (not all at the same time, of course. <grin>
Mary, I really feel for you. But now it feels like a game to me. I am going to win. I will not allow this demon to get me TOO. I know his words seem demeaning, but you have to get to the point to say to yourself, so what? As in, I will not take this conversation personally considering the source. I divert my attention by thinking positive thoughts. It gets easier & easier for me, because I have really learned that the name of the game is avoiding conflict. Conflict just wears us down. It doesn't matter who is right (which in my case would be me, because I don't have dementia), all that matters is that I don't want his negative energy affecting me anymore than necessary.
Keep on practicing. You will become an expert & will learn to respond vs. react. Keep in mind, without this site, I wouldn't have had the insight to even begin this.
P.S. you can block incoming calls from certain numbers. They get a recording that says, this party is not available, something to that effect. Call your phone company, and I agree with Starling, I wouldn't take any more calls from them. You have enough on your plate.
I was told years ago that stress caused AD patients to go downhill faster. That the more pleasant their surroundings and being filled with love, the longer they can stay at their present levels. I believed that and have tried and am still trying not to get angry with him (to his face) and not to correct him (remember when we were teaching our children to make their beds and would praise them and let the wrinkles stay even though it drove us crazy until they learned to make their beds without wrinkles - well, this week there are wrinkles in my bed for the first time and I can't say anything because it is one of three things he can still do!)
Now, I hope you all understood that long convoluted sentence! <GRIN> I am taking Tylenol for my headaches! <grin> Mainly because he's going through the "I can't sit still for two minutes" phase again. Until I get more pills tomorrow.
Mary, you just have to try to get yourself out from under the stress of others. Starling and Kitty gave you good advice. Try to keep the son's problems away from you and your husband. Those problems will give you gray hair faster than anything under normal circumstances! Avoid the exs at all costs. Your life and your husband's ability to cope are too important right now.
I too have noticed that stress makes my husband worse, if bad enough it will mess him up for as long as 10-12 days. Avoid stress where you can (the phone calls) and try and remember that if he had a bad wound you would change dressings, this is much the same but you have no dressing that will reach the brain. It is easier when you remind yourself with a glass of wine (grin). I truly understand where you are coming from, I visit that place often.
Mary, Yes,the wrinkle syndrome. Hard to ignore for a control person (me), but as you said, it is one of the remaining things he can do..make the bed, garbage and recycling detail..again and again, bird feeder, semi clean the table..blah blah..none of which he would have done before, but he wants to contribute (his words) so my grateful thanks now.I still have a problem with coffee grounds everywhere, but am mellowing out about that one at 6:00 AM!..I hope. I see his self image being destroyed bit by bit...mine isn't much better when he gets on me for whatever. Damn, but I shouldn't comment this time of night..my tummy churns, but I 'm sure I'm not alone.
Stress, even "good" stress can exacerbate confusion and anxiety in our ADLO's. I've noticed even happy occasions bring too much stimulation, whether driving a distance to someones house to visit, or having a group to our home. He still wants to be invited to others homes or have guests here, but once over stimulated he starts to get edgy, and the confusion increases. Then he wants to go home.....or if we are home he wants to retreat from the hubbub.
DH cannot clearly function when it comes to matters of finance. He will ask alot, but can't grasp whatever I explain to him. I do ADMIT MY SHORTCOMINGS! I can NOT stand to be questioned about finances over and over, same questions, same answers. I, myself am stressed enough with the responsibility of all the finances in addition to caregiver and parental responsibilities that I take great offense to the questioning of my ability. So NO, I do not keep my cool. But I try for a very long time.
DH used to be able to conceal some of his confusion when others were around, trying to maintain a conversation, trying to join discussions that are now over his head. He is just beyond the point now of being able to switch back and forth.
Sorry, I'm actually just venting on your turf (thread) because I understand all that you are saying. I don't have earth shaking words of wisdom, but I do have some pretty strong arms to offer support and hugs.
Venting is good. That is exactly what this is all about. If we can vent to someone in our "neighborhood" here then we vent less to our children and family (who have probably heard enough already or don't want to hear it at all) or we react less to our LO.
I spoke by cell phone with DH last night and this morning. This is our usual routine. He was so down both times. No one loves him, no one calls him, he is just in everyone's way, he is in my way, he won't call so much because he knows he is bothering me, etc. etc.
It is so sad. I sure hope that he does another mood swing before he comes home this weekend.
We have a caller ID but DH took the message recorder out last year because people would call and not leave messages. I didn't want it taken out but I am kind of glad now. We are on the National Do No Call List but we still get the charity solicitation calls. DH does not pick up "800" calls. We also have "anonymous" calls blocked the type where the caller has their information blocked. I have a niece who lives in the same city as this woman and I actually thought it was my niece calling when I picked up the phone. I have a cell phone and anyone who can't reach me at my home number knows to call my cell.
Stress can absolutely have a bad effect on our ADLOs. even good stress. My husband and I just came back from a weeklong cruise in alaska with my daughter's family. We had a wonderful time, but a few times he insisted that I had not told him stuff. The traveling days were the worse because we had to do things and move luggage, that's why a cruise is so perfect, no moving of anything. This went much better than last year when he got sick on a cruise and spent most days in the room. This time I was even able to get him to shower and shave one day. Now we are back at our daughter's home, and will be driving to our own home this afternoon. I'm sure he will sleep for the rest of the week, just from jet lag and exhaustion, but I'm glad we went. I really think he enjoyed himself, and we had been there before. But the traveling was so stressful, and any waiting like in the airport to go thru security, he just gets so aggitated about that he's hard to control. I did bring a 'cane' that turns into a chair, so I could sit him down. Standing is very hard on him, and makes him even more aggitated.
I hope your husband comes out of this down time, but fortunately, they usually do forget pretty quickly, altho they seem to remember bad things better than good things, and in the situation you're in, the subject is probably never far from your mind. Good luck.