Got my car back last night. The parts were in Thursday, in fact the service department called me to let me they were there to pick up and they closed at 6. I laughed and pointed out the car was there waiting for you guys to fix it. It was a little after six when the service guy said it was ready, just had to sign and pay. I looked at the tire pressure - they had let air out to 32 psi. Why do they do that. I refused to leave until they put them back to where I run them: front 40, back 37. I have been running them that high since 2003 - any lower and I loose gas mileage.
Just missed Marsh. :-( He posted their adventure too late. They were cruising the Snake and Columbia but had already been to Richland. The boat stops overnight here because a lot of people want to tour Hanford. They had beautiful weather - no 100s.
Just got back last night after a clear run--eight hours and 20 minutes--up from the Heartland where I was babysitting the three grandchildren for a week while DD went out of state to a mandatory work training. OMG, what a crazy week...and Never Again!! Charlotte, you probably don't remember, but a while back you told me that at our ages, giving up part of your life for your family meant that you would never get it back. I actually printed that comment out, circled it in red, and held onto it. And should have listened to you better. They live a crazy, chaotic life down there--I'm not judging anybody, but I just don't live like that or run my house like that--and didn't raise my kids like that-- I managed to get through it, but felt that the person I am was buried somewhere under all their squalor and chaos. And it wasn't cheap, either--her hot water tank went out and the short story is that getting a new one and getting maintenance done on other things cost me almost $1,600. Oh well, the things we do for family. But as I said, Never Again. The whole adventure in the Heartland--five and two/thirds years--thanks to Alzheimers-- is in my rear view mirror now, and I do feel that it worked well in getting our elders taken care of--my husband, my mother, my step-dad...God bless them all. But going forward I am planning--Firmly!--to remember that I am a person, too, and need to take as good care of myself as I do of others. So a huge lesson reinforced, and all essentially because of Alzheimers.
Elizabeth, glad you survived the week (which sounds like that is a victory in itself) and now can relax. Enjoy the quiet and calm of your home. My ex-DIL has a home in chaos too. She never requires the kids to keep their rooms clean or pick up after themselves. I was not perfect, but I did require respect for home and family.
From my newspaper today: There's a reason the rear view mirror is so small and the windshield is so large. It's because where you're headed is much more important than where you've been.
Mantra to use when sad memories threaten to overwhelm: "Big windshield; small rear view mirror"
Tonight he asked about his parents. I told him they were in heaven waiting for him. He ask if they were dead and I said yes. He started crying wanting to know why no one told him. I told him we were there for both his mom and dad's funerals. I dug out the pictures of his mom's funeral including the one with him and his dad at her casket with his dad holding her hand. That seemed to calm him to see proof he was there even if he doesn't remember it. I have decided I won't lie to him - so far has worked out fine.
Labour Day holiday up here in Canada. Not much different from Labor Day down there in the USA where we are your neighbor and you are our neighbour.
And if you wanda what happened to all the 'u's that are missing, not to worry, because the Americans didn't drop all of them from English. They left the u in four for instance and they left the u in pour and they left the u in sour which used to be pronounced differently. Nobody cares anyway.
Let me explain what a lifetime of labor/labour does to people. Tell a retired person who doesn't have to work that they have every day off - not just labor day - and you might get pelted by rotten tomoatoes (a popular activity back in it's day), but tell a 25 year old that they have every day off and they might do cartwheels right then and there. That's too bad because it's the same time off but it doesn't seem the same at all.
That's something that could be mourned (another u still there) but that would be too dour (another one) because whatever life brings to anyone it doesn't change that it's all ours.
btw - dour is now pronounced dow-er but it wasn't when all english was spoken in england. It used to be pronounced do'or. T'was said he was a door man. Not in the sense of opening them but in the sense of a sour (sore) outlook. Never mind.
thanks Wolf for the 'u' lesson. When I was young it use to puzzle me when I would see a word with 'u' in it. Then I got married to someone from New England where they take many of the 'r' out of words! Now it amuses me when spell check tells me if I put a 'u' in a word like labour that it is spelled wrong. LOL
Yes, I still would rather labor at a paying job of choice than as an unpaid caregiver not by choice!
Bonnie and others that learn to fix things - one for me!! The door handle was getting real loose. I thought I would have to replace the whole thing so went to youtube to watch a video to see how hard it was. Found out all I had to do was replace the springs. Went to Home Depot, bought springs, took about 10 minutes to change. Patty myself on the back!!!!
For those of us who have older cars, it is easy to make the headlights look like new and provide much better light at night. You can buy a headlight restoration kit for around $16 and spend 1/2 hour on it. Much cheaper than paying a pro $150, even though I end up having to redo the job every 3 years.
Meanwhile I keep putting off handing a large picture.
Only mentioning this as it was a new skill for me and to push this up above the spam.
Glad it works for you paul. I tried it - worked for about 2 weeks. A trucker who does it to his vehicles tried his stuff on mine - worked for about 2 months. I have tried paste toothpaste on them - helped a little. Some headlights I think are doomed to be yellow!
I tried the toothpaste, a lot of work with no real benefit. For me the key is the resin you apply at the end that protects against UV light. This is the kit I have used twice. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00429NKWK/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o09_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
The toothpaste just sands down the headlight. This kit has 3 grades of sandpaper, what I guess is polishing cream (so super fine sanding), a chemical that you use at the start and then after all sanding, and then the resin. And you do all the sanding while the headlight and sandpaper are wet. Just mentioning in case this sounds familiar.
But the material used in the headlight can be a factor.
We had a hot Labor Day Weekend on the east coast, DC felt like the upper 90s. Glad I mowed my lawn on Sunday after the sun started setting, my hips and lower back were bothering me on Monday. Nothing too bad, ibuprofen has been controlling the pain.
Well, I need to eat my words. I went to the facility today to start the paperwork for placement. They have a room open for men. The other guy going in the room is high functioning too. I take him back Friday for their assessment. Coming home I started crying. I don't think it was guilt but thinking of the losses he will have - one more step in this horrible disease. Also, realizing we are closer to the end now than the beginning. I said I am ready, can't wait - didn't expect to be so emotional.
Paul - I used one of those kits as did the trucker, but I guess my lights are too old to look new!!
Charlotte - I certainly know how you feel. If you can, it would be easier for you if you had someone with you when you bring him. Yes, you will cry - I did, when I placed my husband in the private facility. And a few months after that he went into long-term care & I didn't expect to be so emotional again & I cried even more, because I knew this was the very last stop....
You will probably enjoy his company more when you visit - a lot more than when you're a caregiver. I felt I re-established our relationship/marriage. When I visit I want to sit close to him, hold his hand, stroke his face, rub his back - didn't feel like doing those things so much when I was caregiving. Placing him & no longer having the responsibility of caring for him, also help re-kindle my love for him - I have never stopped loving him, but once he was placed my love grew stronger - just like it use to be before the disease. That's a good feeling.
Charlotte I am so proud of you for fixing the door handle with springs! Great big Ta Da for you indeed.
It's good a room opened up and the other guy is also high functioning. That was your biggest worry I think. I would have been surprised to find myself crying too on the way home. It is going to be really tough and emotional. But don't second guess yourself. The place I was thinking about for my hb said I would go back to being a loving wife. I didn't really believe that, but thought he might be better off with all the people there smiling at him. I wasn't able to do that very much any more. I continue to be amazed at how I am remembering the nice guy I married. I think it might have worked out if I had placed him in Memory Care. So I am hopeful for you too.
Good luck, Charlotte. I am sure it will be emotional for you and your husband. I hope the adjustment won't be too difficult.
Elizabeth, Wow, sounds like quite a week. How nice of you to give so much of yourself to your daughter and grands. But, it's always nice to get back to your own peaceful home. Enjoy.
Charlotte, I will be thinking of you and Art as you get through this--and you will. Keep us updated if you get a chance. It sounds like it's time...and placing somebody is still taking care of them...just in a different way.
Tough tough Charlotte but just remember you are doing the right thing for both of you. I remember well that time and the emotional roller coaster I was on. Remember the time is right when it is right for the caregiver and we know by your posts the time is right. Will be here while you go through this hang in there as many have said you still we be caring for him only in a different way.
I'm sorry about the emotions that come with facing something like this, Charlotte. It still stands out as the single worst two days, the second worst was the day I said yes and the worst was taking her there and leaving her there that day. I also felt a ton of guilt. But I don't anymore and I can see, as others have said, that that's a really tough thing to go through. You've been doing this for a very long time and there is the consideration that if the opportunity is here and the place seems OK, it may be wise to take that opportunity.
Remember that if you want to, you can undo this. But you can't create the opportunities. They either exist or they don't. If what it offers is close, I would consider trying it. Good luck to you and to Art on that.
Had an experience yesterday. Went to my photos on the iPad then went to people and called up Lisa. It did a chronological slideshow of pictures of Lisa. Some lovely pictures of her then the last three were of her recently hunched over staring with that blank look on her face. I immediately broke down into tears how that lovely person has been reduced to this. Awful. Think I will delete those pictures.
Rona, I have pictures of my wife with that blank look and I don't look at those because I already know all about that story and (without forgetting) don't choose to remember her that way. Instead I asked for pictures from friends of her and looked through the photo albums and I put up a dozen or so pictures of her on my fridge. They've been up there for a few years and every once in while I still stop and look at her laughing and smiling and being the real and full her.
I found that like no one else that's been in my life (like my parents), I've had to develop a personal relationship with my own memories. It's in my memories more than photos where I went through deciding that I wanted to remember her well and try to celebrate the richness she brought into my life during the same time that I was accepting that she was gone and accepting what happened. The evolution of our memories of our spouse over the years I found one of the most intimately personal things about having gone through this.
Sometimes when you look at others you can realize how lucky we have been to have had our loved one in our life for the time we have. A new resident came into Lisa’s unit today he is 42 and has Alzheimers. Already progressed to the point where he needs to be in a tiertiary care unit how sad.
I finally told Paula about what is going on. Of course she started crying which got me crying! She asked me a good question: when was the last time you spent a night apart? My first response was the night of my surgery 4 years ago. Other than that I could not remember - sometime in the 90s. Coming home I remembered: in 1998 or 99 when he had his surgery for GERDS he spent two nights in the hospital. That is basically 20 years ago. Before then the longest was the 6 weeks he was in Japan working with WYAM building a church. Other than that, it was only for women's or men's weekend retreats.
I forgot the other day to tell you about the 'adult home' I called about memory care. I told the guy/owner my husband was starting to 'sundown'. He asked what I meant. I told him he gets antsy in the evening and starts pacing. He said that is not sundowning. Sundowning is staying awake all night and sleep during the day. I cross that off real quick!
That blank look... Three weeks before he died, we went to San Diego to visit my cousins. Hb had a nice time although he basically just observed. Their neighbors are being transferred to another Navy base. Hb likes to see young children and wanted to meet the young boy. The lad is generally very shy, but he straightened up and came up to hb and shook his hand and said, " Pleased to meet you sir." His father was so proud of the kid! Hb was really happy.
My cousin took some photos with my phone. When I was going to post on facebook, I couldnt do it because of that vacant look. Today I was taking photos off my phone and found one from that day that I took. He is smiling in that one! No vacant look at all! Made me smile today.
I had photos for his boys and showed them while they were here. The last few of hb's mother have her slumped over and very vacant. Although there are even pleasant memories there for me because in all of those pictures she is holding my hand or leaning against me. But oldest son asked me if his father.was like that - basically sitting in a.wheelchair staring into space. I was glad to tell him no. He was fine..... and then he wasnt.
I talked with the admin at my first choice, Guardian Angels. He has gone from 5th on the men's waiting list 5 weeks ago to 3rd. I am now having second thoughts. I know there is no guarantee how soon he will be #1 - could be next week, next month or next year. They are about 3 miles away vs 17 miles. One is the old institution model while GA are cottages, fairly new.
Do I place him and if I don't like the place and GA opens up move him, or wait? If I wait it means the 5th day of day care and having someone come in 4 hours on the weekend which have no idea what they would do but guess that would be their problem.
I can always move him when a bed comes available but would it be better for him to move in now and move later, or just wait? I now waiting will be hard on me - still - but in the long term which would be better. Wish he could discuss it with me but he can't so that leaves my other family - you guys.
When somebody really needed to be placed (back in my public health nurse days), we used to tell people to take the first available bed, and then move them when the facility they wanted became available. Let the social worker at the facility where you place him know that you are waiting for a bed at the other place. She should be able to help you with the transition when a bed comes open. He's going to be confused and going downhill no matter what you do--so you might as well give yourself a break before you yourself collapse from trying to take care of somebody who needs to be in a facility.
Hi Charlotte, This is a tough decision. I can only speak from my own experience. I lucked out because there was a facility that was fairly close to my home that I thought he would do better at. Since he was relatively content there and he adjusted quickly, it made it a lot easier on me. The location was also convenient. Not only was it close to home, but it on the route to grocery stores, etc., so I could tie my visits in with errands. He ended up living there for three years, which would have been an awfully long time for me to be traveling a distance. So it turns out that I made the right decision, but of course, a lot of it was luck, since I could not have predicted how these things would turn out. One thing I would suggest is that you first confirm with the social worker that if you put him in your second-choice facility, you can then move him if you want to when a bed opens up in the GA place.
Charlotte, how long was he on the list when he went from 5th to 3rd in line? There is no telling that the turnover rate will be the same, but it might give you another factor to consider.
Moving from one facility to another usually requires a written document submitted 30 days before moving out. It might not be as easy as packing his bag and driving him to the second facility. Be sure to ask your SW about this and ask at the facilities as well.
Here in BC once placement is made you have to wait 3 months to put in for a transfer. What I thought was a good place bright new model lots of activities was the exact opposite of what LIsa needed. I thought being young and active this was needed in hindsight she needed a place with far less stimulation. She now is in the right place for her and close for me so it is as good as it can be, for now.
Made it through the meeting. When we got out of the car I told him we were checking the place out for when he gets too much for me.He said "i know'. Then I reminded him he made me promise when it got too much for me to place him. He answered ' I remember'. Going in there were some women sitting outside in wheelchairs. One was shooing a bee away saying 'get, I'm not that sweet'. I laughed and as we went by Art went over to her and started giving her a joyful hard time - all of them were laughing. That was kind of bittersweet - knowing he fits right in with them more than in the 'normal' world. The assessment was fine, him joking all the time with the lady doing it. He was surprised he didn't have to stay - seemed ready for it. So by next Friday he could be in his new home.
I did tell her about the other place, asked if that would be a problem. She said no except all the paperwork involved. We will get him placed here and see how it works out. And, he can still go to day care three days a week if I want him to. Will have to think on that.
Hi Charlotte, Glad to hear that Art seemed accepting of the move. I hope when the time comes he still is ok with it. I know this has to be difficult for you, but I think you are ready to at least try it. If it doesn't work out there, you can always bring him back home until Guardian Angels is available. I think from everything you posted that you should keep GA as your ultimate goal. Sounds really nice and is close to you. Good luck.
It is weird, since knowing this will happen I have been a lot more patient with him. Today we washed the car and motorhome. I calmly directed him to where to wash. I was most concerned with him getting the upper 12 inches cause I can't reach it with my brush. I did find out I can with his brush extended out. Motorhome was still beading up from last year when I wash and waxed it with paste wax. Even though we will be going to Portland tomorrow for his neuro appt, I may just go out to DQ for lunch. Then I need to do the wash since I won't be home tomorrow to do it.
As I was fixing dinner last night - he had his TV dinner, I had a corn dog and raw veggies, I got to thinking of all the foods I won't need to buy like potatoes, canned veggies, TV dinners, etc.- the stuff he eats. It will be interesting to see how I change my eating when I buy just for me. I will have to keep some things in case I bring him home for a visit - depends on how he handles it all. My plan is to start with visit, maybe take him out since all the fast foods are nearby then if he does't balk at going back, bring him home for a visit. Time will tell how it will go. I have all you who have gone before me as examples of what might work, might not and that everyone is different. I guess I need to start reading the thread for those who have placed. I have read it once in a while but not for a long time.
Well, didn't go to neurologist today. He woke up this morning and had a melt down. Started crying he didn't want to go but could't tell me why. Threw his clothes on the floor - didn't want to get dressed. I left him alone, came to my computer while a stress headache got worse. Told him we were going, called and cancelled. He got mad - I didn't care. Took the papers to his primary here to fill out, then went and visited Paula. Hopefully his primary will not sit on the paperwork. I was the most upset about not going because I won't get to see my younger brother who I have not seen for a maybe 3 years. Will have to be another day when it is just me.
I was waiting for something to happen in the park dealing with his AD. The cat got out - I told him to let her go but he would not listen. After over an hour he comes in saying a lady said she had the cat but she wants something in return. When I went out she was there saying she was out walking her dog when hb asked to use her leash to catch the cat. He gave it to her then walked away. She came to get it but he never came home with a leash. Told her about his condition so won't remember what happened. She went away mad saying all she wanted was her leash. I grabbed $20, tried to give it to her to buy a new one and she refused. Said she would tell the office or something like that. I have no idea who she is - never saw her before. I am going to have to make sure when I tell him not to go he doesn't. That includes no more walks. I can't deal with this. People can say whatever they want cause he can't refute. He did say the leash was on the ground and he asked whose it was but who knows if that is true.
Hi Charlotte. I wish I was nearby to come give you a hug or have a glass of wine or something. So much stress going on. Remember to just breathe once in awhile. I hope the cat came back in. Can't imagine what she thinks telling the office will do about it. Just hope she calms down when she gets home and develops some empathy for the situation.
I found the leash hidden behind his chair. Since I found out my neighbor knows the lady, I messaged her that I left it on her steps, to tell her I was sorry, not to worry cause he will be locked up soon. Also, he won't be allowed outside without me. thankfully the next three days are day care so I will only have to deal with it from 3 until bedtime.
The cat is outside - when I just took the dog out she came running by. I don't know what to do about her. Either I get rid of her, let her run free all the time (maybe she will stay around then) and next door can keep their dog on leash like he is suppose to, or keep her on leash even when inside until bedtime.
I just wish I could start the motorhome up and drive off to oblivion. Go where we are totally by ourselves or maybe over a cliff!
Charlotte, he won't be locked up soon. He'll be safe. The mistakes so far are kind of funny until the one year old in a man's body or someone else gets hurt. Telling him doesn't work anymore.
I thought about taking us both over a cliff. That would have made me a murderer.
I wonder if anyone here is being affected by hurricane Florence? I know the majority of the folks on this forum are living in the USA - hopefully none are in the path of the hurricane??
Was all ready to move him in tomorrow. I had his clothes all labeled. I bought a plastic 3 drawer 'dresser' cause I have not found one I like yet.
Went to sign the papers today - no one told me it would be a 'book' of paperwork! His primary did not include the antidepressant he is on nor the CPAP - not a good time to go off it. I have a 8:30 appointment with him tomorrow to see if he will add them since he said he would treat the dementia too. If not, I will have to contact his neurologist who is not in until Monday. If I can get the paperwork done tomorrow with the doctor, I don't know if I will move him in helping haul his clothes in or wait and do it Monday. As for medications, until I get him a Medicare Part D, I will get them through the VA and take them in.
Trying to fill out his 'history'- likes, hobbies, dislikes, etc. It is hard to think of them. They also want a 5x7 picture of him, preferable 30-40 years ago, which I don't think I have. Most of the pictures that old are in storage so I told her it will take a while.
Tuesday he woke up confused too. Thankfully Wednesday he was back to 'normal'.
Hang in there, Charlotte. Keep us updated if you can spare a moment--but if not, we'll know that you're very busy and will wait to hear from you. I'm not posting much, but I read everything.
Went to see his VA doctor to get the prescription correct - he did not include ones that the neurologist did mainly his sertraline and CPAP. Took them over to the place. I still need to find a picture of him - they want a 5x7 which I don't have any that I know of or ones of him alone. I will go to storage tomorrow to find the tub with the rest of the pictures to see if there is something in there. Set to move his stuff in Monday - on his birthday - and take him in Tuesday. Until I get him on a Medicare part D I will have to furnish all his meds. I will need to buy Tylenol, Desitin cream, and Vit D which I insist he gets because when he skips it for a few days usually gets sick. I already have his two RX.
I had the appt at the VA for 8:30 figuring he usually sleeps until 11 or noon. When I drove up at 10 he was outside looking for the cat - he evidently let her out probably taking the dog out. I am figuring she started her 'bouncing' off the walls that she didn't get to do this morning cause I leashed her up at 5:30 and sent her outside. I did get her in about a half hour ago by shaking her bag of treats. It appears what I hoped would happen as she gets out is it won't be such a novelty and she won't run away all the time.
the woman at the facility reminded me I can bring him home to visit or even stay overnight anytime.