Those of us who are on this journey can probably share about this part of our lives. Many of us have stepchildren and when that parent dies there can be questions about - you guessed it - MONEY! Today I went to the attorney and found that all I have to do is bring the original signed will to the office with the death certificate. They will file it as a public document. I also give them the names and addresses of the children, and a letter will be sent notifiying them how to access the now public document. So, when this comes up (again) all I have to do is direct them to the attorney! What a relief that is. I can't decide what I want to do next - contact the BBB about my experience with the mortuary or write a letter to the editor! Never mind, this is a day to walk on the beach!
Fran, you are on a road that we will be on someday. I, for one, appreciate any advice that you, Bettyhere, Sandi, and beenthere (and any others that I accidentally omitted) would share with us. Some will prefer that you write, yet they will wait to read until they are at the end of the journey - not yet ready for what will come after. Others, like me, want to be prepared. Thank you for taking the time during this period to think of us.
I'm sorry, I must have missed the part about the mortuary. I'd say, don't waste your valuable energy fighting anymore. You've been fighting for Hank for so long, give yourself a rest. It's not worth it. Take a long deserved break from fighting battles. Enjoy your walks on the beach. I am glad you are relieved about the will. One less thing to worry about. You need & deserve a few carefree weeks. Just let it all go for now. Focus on yourself and don't let the other stuff get you down. You have traveled a difficult road, and now rest is in order.
Fran I echo everything Mary said. I appreciate so much those who have lost their loved ones, staying here and holding our hands through our journey. You amaze me! ~Nikki
Fran, I have not been on in awhile. I hope the step-children have not given you a hard time. I am getting ready to leave in Sept for my husband's final journey. I will fly to VA from CA to take my husbands ashes to Hog Isand, VA. I have a friend who has a new sailboat (to them). They have offered to take me out in the Pacific to spread some in the Pacific. I guess you would say he will be bi-coastal. My husbands daughter is making the trip with me. It will be a bonding and healing experience for both of us and a little bit of a girls road trip. I made a trip with Gene to visit family shortly after he was diagnosed. It was a wonderful trip and he enjoyed it so much, especially the soft shell crabs. I will try to take a walk on the beach (CA) this week and I will think of you. barbarakay
barbarakay - I have thought about you many times, but must have missed that your DH passed. Love to you as you take this final journey. Taking ashes to two oceans must also have a healing effect. No, there will be no trouble for me regarding inheritance since if I am asked all I do is remind them to contact the attorney. Kitty, you don't know me well! I have never let a friend deal with an injustice alone, and I won't let a mortuary get by with the way I was treated. It gives me a little project - no letter to the editor until I've picked up the death certificates however. Whatever, I saved 50% on cremation by using the Memorial Society and am now happily spending some of that at the day spa. Last night I even got an almost regular night of sleep. Funny, that I still feel the need to check the bed to be sure all is well. It takes longer than 5 days to stop that. I surely have something to learn about getting groceries for one person!
Frand - I have a dear friend who lives in Astoria in a houseboat on the John Day River. Small world. I will be moving myself to Salem next year after I retire and starting my life anew. Perhaps we can meet.
I am so sorry you had difficulties with the mortuary. I lucked out - mine was very helpful- at my request they brought my husband home so we could wash his body and dress him in his normal clothes. We had him at home overnight, and family and friends were all able to visit. They didn't even seem to think we were weird for wanting to do that.
Here's something that is a part of the mourning process for me. Yesterday I finally got out the vacuum and thought, "This is the last time I'll be taking a part of my husband out of the carpet", when I used up the roll of toilet paper I thought, "The new roll won't be used by my DH." I guess that is a part of adjusting to the new life as a widow, and maybe it is helpful that these things happen one at a time. If I can't find a home for the rest of that protein drink I got at Costco I will be remembering Hank for a long time to come!
Frand - Even though my husband is not gone yet, he is in a facility and I can really relate to what you are saying. All the little things around the house that remind you of them.
I am picking up 2 kittens tonight. It hit me that my husband had named all our animals (and every teddy bear in our teddy bear collection too!). He can't help me with that anymore.
The other one is sort of funny. I can't eat corn on the cob right now. There are too many memories assoicated with that. He used to love having that with our summer meals and we would eat it several times a week. Not ready to get past that one yet.
Hang in there and thanks for staying with us and sharing your experiences.
I do reccomend the old fashioned way of caring for our dead. I was actually so very happy the first couple of days after my husband died, because I had him home and I could do these last few things for him. I really enjoyed picking out his clothes and washing him and writing his obituary, and helping the boys make his coffin. There is a wonderful group in our county called Final Passages www.finalpassages.org that helps people all over the county do this.
therrja, I hope the 2 kittens delight you. Let us know what you named them. Or you could start a discussion, what to name the kittens? I'm sure everyone would pitch in. What do they look like?
Kitty - trust you (or divvi) to ask that question. They are six weeks old, male , one is a tuxedo and one is all black. I have chosen the names Jean-Claude for the tuxedo and Asher for the black one after two of one of my favorite author's (Laurell K. Hamilton) characters.
One of the ways I dealt with my husband's going into a facility is that I claimed his closet - what woman doesn't need more closet space? I also claimed his dresser. That was very interesting as I got to count all of his golf shirts and sweaters. He had always been complaining about me having lots of clothes. I stopped counting golf shirts at 60 and he had 50 sweaters in his dresser. I kept a few in case he needs them the rest went to charity.
A friend of mine gave me some good advice that I try to follow. She told me to try and have at least one thing that I looked forward to each week. I have tried to do that and she was right, it does help.
I look forward to stopping at Mc most every morning for a cup of iced coffee. It does make a difference and my husband is with me and he looks forward to that too. Some days that is the only other "live" person I get to talk to that day.
I think the new kittens are a great idea and will keep you smiling while at home. i believe in our own way each of us is already grieving daily of losses that have and are to come regardless if our loved ones are still living. the long goodbye is just wayyy too perfect a name for this disease. i think that coming to terms with each day coming to an end is a deliverance of a day closer to the final one-its just mentally exhausting to anyone. divvi
therrja I am going through the same thing you are-also claiming the closet. It is so hard giving Bill's things away while he is still alive. With drawers filed with stuff I find I have to buy different clothes for him now. I look for easy on and off soft material clothing. Bill looked terrible today. He looks so frail yet his weight is holding. The only cognizant activity he is still independent with is eating. Dementia is a monster.
Divvi- Your are right, we all have been grieving since the diagnosis. There are 5 stages of grieving. They are denial, anger bargaining, depression and acceptance. If we look, each of us can identify where we are in that process. Some of us are still in the denial, it cannot be, they may be wrong with the dx, then anger..why me, why him, it's not fair, then that bargaining, if I do this then he will be better and he will get well, then the depression as we realize there is no stopping it and finally acceptance that the end is inevitable. This is one of the few circumstances where many have already passed through it and only feel relief that it is finally over and they are a peace and the living can move forward..I think for this illness, there are 6 the sixth being quilt. What could be have changed. IT does not seem fair. No one should feel guilty for surviving the worse thing they will ever go through in their life.
Regarding the closet - I almost immediately took what I couldn't wear (we shared a lot of sweatshirts and tees) to the Goodwill and then had all those empty hangers. That somehow got to me, so I got out enough tees to hang up so it didn't look so 'missing something'. I suppose eventually I'll buy something else - I'm a woman, right?
Are those wire coat hangers? If so, I'd bundle them up and give them to the Goodwill as well. They can use them and then you can get some of those nice colored plastic ones and do a color coordination. And, yes, you are a woman and if you have beautiful new empty hangers, you just have to go and get yourself something pretty. And, may I suggest a Land's End cashmere sweater set and a nice string of pearls. You'll feel so elegant. You've been grieving so long before and now it's over. Do something for yourself now. We all give you permission.
Mawzy - Mine are already the plastic and wooden ones - wire ones don't do so well bouncing along in a motorhome. I've already bought a couple of things - must be part of the healing process!
Moving forward is such an individual experience....I have not had any problems, but I have friends who battled AD with their husband or wife for years and have had a much harder time adjusting.
I think the fact that he was basically non functioning for so many years made the transition easier for me. I have been alone for a long time already, so his death was not a shock, not a surprise and was, in fact, very welcome by all of us. The years were very hard on my son....he is in therapy for anxiety and depression from the long years of watching his dad die. My daughter is more like me in that we accepted the inevitable and kept moving forward.
I have three vacations planned in the next four months and very much looking forward to the rest of my life. Knowing my husband like I do, I know he is happy that I am not grieving his loss, and laughing over the fact that I am enjoying the fruits of all his hard work and diligent financial planning...LOL!
Starling - I had to do everything to keep our RV lifestyle running, so I am fine to travel on my own. I may be somewhere a month at a time, but I hope to eventually get to all the lower 48. The Escapees have a large and active group of single travelers so I will join that group and hope to meet up with them from time to time. (Actually the only thing I am afraid to do is change that darn water filter! My shower is telling me that filter is getting clogged, but I think I will wait until I meet up with my stepson next month so he can bail me out if I have water everywhere!)
I looked up the group on the internet. They look like a wonderful group. We never went RVing. I don't quite know why, because I probably would have enjoyed it. We bought that SUV with a heavy duty towing package because I thought we would try renting an RV and get to try it out. Dementia got in the way.
I know it is a heavy duty towing package because we sold the SUV to our daughter in January. They have rented trailers twice, and when they rented the first one to move a tractor the rental place was impressed with the capacity of the SUV to not just handle the trailer but whatever was going to get put into it.
I'm glad you are going to be able to find a way to continue doing something you really enjoy.
Fran, I have been thinking of you! I was in the hospital , but am fine. Sure missed this site though I got the CD of your lullabies you sent me. For some reason I thought it was something you mixed, I didn't know you had your "very own" NEAT!!!
I haven't lost a husband, so I have no true idea of all that you and beenthere are going through I have lost my dad and my gram, I had to help pack their things up. It was torture! I can't imagine doing it for my husband. The strength you all have amazes me. Much love, Nikki
I picked up the death certificate today and it lists the cause of death as Alzheimer's disease. I thought it would say something else, and I don't know that is accurate. Hank became ill July 9 and died August 22nd. I think he was at late stage 4 or early stage 5 before he became phyically ill. Toward the end he did seem as if he was in the final stages of AD, though the research doctor thought something else physical was causing that decline. So, who knows. Today a friend and I went to a lavender farm that has what is called the 'medicine tree'. It is a Camperdown weeping elm and just has a wonderful feel to side inside a 30' diameter of cascading leaves. It feels peaceful and healing in there and helps with the grieving process, in my opinion.
Fran that is wonderful! I was so hoping you would be able to visit the healing tree. I looked up a photo of the tree, beautiful! I am glad you had such a peaceful time. I have been thinking of you, and am so glad you continue to post!
Yesterday the ashes fianally arrived at Hank's son's in Colorado. I have my complaints regarding my treatment at the mortuary ready to go out now and then I will put that to rest and go on with the healing process. I've booked the train to San Diego in November and will join some family to scatter the ashes in the Pacific Ocean. That may help with closure - I'll have to see. I think it might have been easier when widows wore black for a year. At least everyone knew where you were as you walked down the street. All of this seems harder than I thought - death is so final and makes such a big hole! I am lucky to be surrounded by friends, some of them from this site, and I'm making plans for travel that please me. I think I have reached out when I needed it, been quiet and trying to find my own center when that feels right, and trying to get enough rest to transition to my future.
Yesterday the ashes fianally arrived at Hank's son's in Colorado. I have my complaints regarding my treatment at the mortuary ready to go out now and then I will put that to rest and go on with the healing process. I've booked the train to San Diego in November and will join some family to scatter the ashes in the Pacific Ocean. That may help with closure - I'll have to see. I think it might have been easier when widows wore black for a year. At least everyone knew where you were as you walked down the street. All of this seems harder than I thought - death is so final and makes such a big hole! I am lucky to be surrounded by friends, some of them from this site, and I'm making plans for travel that please me. I think I have reached out when I needed it, been quiet and trying to find my own center when that feels right, and trying to get enough rest to transition to my future.
Frand--you teach so much in the midst of your grief. I doubt if you feel very strong right now, but I do admire your strength. We gain so much from just watching and listening. You are such an inspiration to me. Thank you very much!
Fran, I was so glad to see you had posted. I think of you often. I am glad you have the complaint all done, I know how strongly you felt about righting that wrong. Perhaps now, you can concentrate fully on healing.
"All of this seems harder than I thought - death is so final and makes such a big hole!" I wish there was something I could do to help you Fran. I hear so many speak of the relief death will bring, but I know for me it will not. That is perhaps selfish, as I do want Lynn free from this hell!! But, yet, I want him with me always. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you.
Please keep posting, let us help you any way we possibly can... and continue to share your compassion and insight with us. Mawzy said it well... you are an inspiration to me as well. ((hugs))
It's almost been six weeks now since Hank died. It seems true that time is healing. There is never a day when I don't miss my dear spouse and always a time of tears, but life is good for me these days and I am content. This weekend my two step children and wives from my second marriage are coming to spend the weekend. It has been so nice here where I am parked right across from the beach, but now a windy and rainy storm comes when it would be so nice to have sun - oh well, I've had better weather than would be expected. I find myself thinking of York/Trisinger and knowing this is a difficult time for him...
Life After Death. I was thinking about this the other day, after reading where a person with dementia was still living after 18 years. My husband retired at 52 because of the stress caused by dementia. Dementia is what I will remember about retirement, not traveling, golfing or whatever was planned, Will I remember the good times that we had before dementia or will I just remember all the stress, anger & sadness after my husband started losing his memory???
Kadee, I can only speak for myself. Several years have passed since my DH died. More and more with the passing of time bad memories fade and good memories grow stronger and are comforting.
folly, me too. I'm hoping that I will remember the good things. That I will open all of those scrapbooks I made and look at the photos and remember good things. Right now not only aren't I scrapping now, I'm not looking at then either.