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    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTimeAug 17th 2018
    We may have talked about this before but I can't find it. I was actually responding to Wolf's recent post - but couldn't post. I have lots of experience raising children, and lots of experience with AD in my family -- but with my own spouse I feel like I'm on a tightrope. I can tell by my bodily feelings -- constantly gritting teeth, hands shaking -- that the stress is building again. Right now we're dealing with car repair -- he has always done this and is well known at the local shop, however, the last few times he's gone in, he forgets what he went for so we don't get the right work done. This time my granddaughter took the truck in to get the safety inspection, got the necessary repairs done, but there is a transmission problem that might be little or huge. Needs to go to another shop. We are in a current situation of everything I suggest that needs done - results in a tirade about how I'm spending us into the poorhouse. He can do it -- but he won't, because he can't. He is here every minute of every day so I can't just call a repairman out with him blowing up. To date, I've been able to balance what has to be done with his anger -- but now, it's getting to winter and there are some things that can no longer be put off. I've tried to work with him, make suggestions, suggest the handyman who lives next door etc but he just digs his heels in and gets worse. I've probably said this before -- but I can't always be fighting with him - he isn't violent (yet) but very passive aggressive. I try and space things but that isn't working anymore. I've tried to explain to him again he is having a problem -- which he doesn't believe - says I just want to get rid of him, why don't I just shoot him and get it over with. The constant tension is getting to me.

    I feel it doubly hard as the only person I have to turn to is a granddaughter, who helps a lot but is a homicide detective, so on call, plus has her own home and spouse to take care of. She says just do it, just sell the house, just tell him off -- but she's still young and hasn't had to face problems like this with a spouse. She's pretty up on how bad he is, but her advice isn't always possible. What happens if I go ahead and hire someone - or any similar problem - and he becomes more than passive aggressive? There are times when we have nothing to do or no place to go and he can just pull weeds, and things feel fairly normal -- but let anything step out of that routine and we face WWIII. I'm not sure there is an answer, the doctor is not much help -- handle it till I can't then place him. But there is a lot of road between now and then. I find myself so tied up in knots over this I can't function with the things I need to do. He doesn't understand, doesn't want me to do anything by myself, can't do anything to help and always ends up in a fight. The few people I've tried to discuss it with seem to glaze over and want to be anyplace else but there.

    On the pro side, the rains have come, the pastures are green, the horse with arthritis has improved..... they are still my only place to release some stress - God's in his Heaven -- but the world doesn't seem to be right.
    • CommentAuthorCarolVT
    • CommentTimeAug 17th 2018
    Sympathy, Oakridge. A few times I had to get something done that DH was opposed to, and when he got angry, I got very angry back in his face (couldn't help myself), and since that isn't like me, I think it scared him. He yelled back plenty, but I did what had to be done. Key I guess is that I felt so strongly about the issue that I drew a line. I've gotten braver about taking over, saying this is what's happening, and letting the storm slide off my teflon cape that I don when necessary. Physical violence is extremely unlikely in our case, but I used to be afraid of the emotional side and being yelled at. We're at a stage where if I don't do it, it doesn't get done, and some things have to get done. I wish you courage however you handle the issues.
    • CommentTimeAug 17th 2018 edited
    Good advice, Carol. I'm glad it worked for you.

    Just my 2-bits worth, Oakridge:
    My husband did better off Aricept.
    Could your granddaughter just take the truck in to the new shop for transmission repair/replacement? Does your husband have to know?
    Or could you say it broke down when she had it out, and it had to be towed to the new shop, which was closer by? If so, I think the first shop should know your husband's condition in case he phones them.
    Since your husband can’t be reasoned with, you may have to resort to these fiblets.
    Poor souls, they become their own worst enemies, and you have to work around them.
    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTimeAug 17th 2018
    Thanks ladies, Mary I don't see any difference since he's been on Aricept, 4 months now. Carol, I guess you're right. I half way think he'll get so mad he may do something, maybe I'm afraid to find out. I guess I can call the local handyman, I'm not crazy about his work but at least dh knows him and I can talk to him privately in advance. He's slow, so always takes longer to have him in the house.

    Yes, Mary, my granddaughter went ahead and took the truck home with her. She made an appt for Wed at a transmission place where she knows the owners. I did tell her we needed an estimate before they did any work...I know how transmissions go :) She was also able to intercept his instructions for our car, but it's a cadillac and I guess we'll just have to go ahead and take it to the dealer. They cost a fortune but have always been fair with what needs to be done. It's 15 yrs old now but still looks very sharp and we only have 83K miles on it -- we don't drive more than a few miles these days so really, really, don't want to buy a new vehicle. Cadillacs are good cars and we've had very little trouble with this - but even little things are expensive to repair. I keep telling myself it's cheaper than a new car :)

    I think I'll put in a call to the handyman - or maybe go to his house this evening on the pretext of going to my neighbors for something. Maybe if he could do it in stages dh wouldn't be aware of so much being done. If he just happened to drop by one evening, and happened to discuss some things maybe dh would think it was his idea. If not, you might see smoke signals coming up over the hill. Thanks ladies, always helps to know there is someone out there who doesn't think I'm a heartless b---h, LOL. Our only other solution is to move back to CA and I think I'd rather do most anything than that!!
    • CommentTimeAug 17th 2018
    you say the doctor is not much help, are you in an area where you can find another one? If you could get something to 'mellow' him when things need to be done, it sure would help. In the meantime you need something to help you deal with the stress. I would talk to your own doctor about it.

    I was on an antidepressant for years but finally got off in the 90s, never wanted to go back on. 4 years ago I asked the doctor and I have been on the lowest dose since. I know it helps because if I forget by the end of the day I am fighting not to cry. Until then, someone here suggested Serenity Formula which was helping. 4 years ago I could no longer afford it which is why I went to Rx drug which insurance covered. Even now I will sometimes buy some to add to the Wellbutrin and it really helps.

    As for the truck, does he go in by himself or are you with him? You could always call ahead letting them know no matter what your husband says, this is what needs done. If you are with him - give them a note when he is not looking.

    I like Carol's method too. If there is no fear of physical violence, just verbal, stand up to him.

    It is so sad we have to do this with our loved one. You are so right it is different with a spouse which is why we have this place here.
    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTimeAug 17th 2018
    Actually Charlotte, our doctor is very good. She has prescribed medication and will refer to us to any specialist we would like to see -- but as the neurologist said, it is what it is. At his age, it isn't unusual. Our own doctor says I have to be realistic and if it comes to the time he needs to be place, prepare myself for it.

    As for the vehicles, that's one area I don't like, don't even like to have to put gas in. Don't understand them and know nothing so have to rely on someone else since dh, doesn't really know what's what now.
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeAug 18th 2018
    I agree with everything said here. Circumvent by having granddaughter borrow the car. Carry those cards that say hb has Alz and asking for patience.

    I was bound and determined to handle the violence and aggression without drugs. I still think it was worth a try. But first key was to remove alcohol from the equation. Nonalcoholic beer made a big difference.

    Mary said her husband did better WITHOUT Aricept. I was just about to stop it.

    The geriatric psychiatrist changed everything! But I couldn't find a local geriatric psychiatrist. Only the VA. So... ask your doctor to try Depakote. It changed the world for me. I felt like on a different planet because he was so much less aggressive. Depakote was much better than the anti psychotic haldol. After the first 120 days his aggression was increasing. I was going to ask for increased dose when he died.

    If he is not aware of having a problem, there is a term for that. He never will be able to be aware of the problem. So try depakote - there is a generic - sooner than I did.

    Your handyman idea is a good one. Hopefully your hb is alzheimer type, not Ftd. If he is alzheimer type he will become accustomed to the handyman being there. Practice being confident as all get out when telling hb a brief description of the job being done. Don't you remember we talked about this yesterday?
    • CommentAuthormyrtle*
    • CommentTimeAug 19th 2018
    Hi oakridge, This issue of the husband trying to manage what I call the "guy jobs" is one of the most frustrating ones to deal with. I would try to sneak down to the basement or out to the garage to get something but my husband seemed to have a sixth sense about those places and would always come out and get involved. Once I left to do an errand and a delivery driver called and asked if he could drop off the 4 tons of wood pellets we had bought for the winter. (I had asked them to call my cell phone but they screwed up and called the landline.) When they got there, my husband directed them to the pellets in the middle of the garage, blocking the door to go inside. When I saw it, I had a meltdown, but was able to hide it from him, since it would just have made things worse. Another time, a friend took him to lunch, so I could reorganize some stuff in the garage, but I was rushing to finish before they got back and tripped over the lawnmower and fell flat on my face. Ended up in the ER. This type of thing is why day care is so valuable. It allows you to go about your business without your spouse getting in the middle of things.
    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTimeAug 20th 2018
    On the spur of the moment sent the handyman a text with some info - then invited him and a neighbor to an impromptu dinner. Was great, good time, got to talk a little "business" so handyman came back Sunday afternoon and the three of us set up some jobs for him to do over the next few weeks. DH may not remember but think it will be easier to insist. He doesn't think anything needs to be done and may object to the money but so far, so good :) having other people here helped keep things moving. They both know there are some problems but not the extent.
    • CommentAuthormyrtle*
    • CommentTimeAug 20th 2018
    That was a great idea, oakridge. Maybe your husband will start to think of the handyman as his buddy.