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    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeAug 11th 2018
     
    Hi all. I am sitting next to my hb bed in the ICU, waiting for the inevitable. We are Comfort Care.

    Wed he was at daycare cursing out another partipant. I played 18 holes of Golf. He complained of pain on the ride home. I thought constipated cause of the heat. Resolve that in a big way Thursday all night long. Fri afternoon he couldn't get out of the recliner. Didn't seem able to push up with legs at same time as arms. Seemed to be close to figuring it out so didn't call 911.

    Called for ambulance this morning. Afraid of being forced into heroic measures. But every doctor listened and asked appropriate questions and helped me decide what to do.

    His sister was here for a few hours. His whole face lit up in huge smile when she came in. I was grateful for that!

    Now waiting.

    You all told me it is harder than expected. I thought I was ready. You said I would be surprised. I am. You were right.

    I really thought there would be another 5-10 years of this. It is astonishly fast what happened here. What is happening here.

    Wolf, I really liked your post on " off topic". Thank you.
    • CommentAuthorlindyloo*
    • CommentTimeAug 11th 2018
     
    My thoughts and prayers are with you, Bonnie. Please do not feel alone.
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeAug 11th 2018
     
    Lindylou, I was just riding the canoe just beyond the portage in the cattails with you. There are bull frogs on the lily pads. The water is clear. Saw a catfish and a turtle swimming by when we paused to just glide for a minute. Thank you my dear dear friend.
    •  
      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeAug 11th 2018
     
    Wow Bhv, what a shock. I hope he is at peace which sounds like he may be. Did they say what was, maybe a stroke?

    How are you doing? Hugs, hugs and more hugs.

    I know some may take this the wrong way, but I so pray for a quick ending for my husband like is happening with yours.
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeAug 11th 2018
     
    No heart attack or stroke. Partial bowel obstruction, but also respiratory problem. Sepsis.

    I know some will take it wrong, but I really didn't think we'd be lucky enough for a quick ending. This is so eerily similar to his Mom it is ridiculous. Almost the same age too.

    Thanks for the hugs my other dear dear friend.
    •  
      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeAug 12th 2018
     
    Wow, that did come up quick. Glad you were not offended by my comment.
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeAug 12th 2018
     
    I'm not the only one watching to see if you want to talk but I'm also definitely looking in regularly today to see if you do.

    We should never have to apologize that we wish either that this would end for us or for them. And it wouldn't hurt while we're in the grip to realize how nobody anywhere has any idea of what's going to happen next, that's true for our thoughts and worries about - well, pretty much everything.

    Charlotte, and a few others, of all people has the right to wish this would end. She was here when I came on in 2010.
  1.  
    Wow, didn't expect to see this posting this morning, bhv. A shockeroo. I'll be thinking of you and checking back in from time to time looking for updates. You are not alone.
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeAug 12th 2018 edited
     
    Marche, I just realized I should have worn my combat boots here.

    We are hanging in there. He is breathing more peacefully now, but has not woken up or responded since 3 pm yesterday. Sister in law came back last night and stayed til 5 am. Now it is still quiet. And I am alone and better that way. Very nice nurse - a guy- taking careful care of me.

    This is very confusing. The man I married left me a long time ago. The raging man who has been living in my house now seems to be gone too. In the ER when he woke and looked around with fear stricken eyes, he immediately relaxed when he found my eyes. No one has suggested that I leave or mentioned visiting hours. He doesn't look at all like the man I married. Yet I can't bear the thought of leaving him alone. Even though I don't think he will wake again.

    I was going to go outside and check on my car, but the room they moved us to is right above it! And, across the street is a very old church. They let Jurors park there. To get to the parking area you drive through an archway that goes through the building. Very interesting, that.

    This room has a couch. I am going to try another nap. I feel like all of you have a hand on my shoulder.

    Yes, Wolf and Charlotte, I was just lurking then.
  2.  
    bhv, you have had your combat boots on all this time. You were so busy taking charge and slaying dragons that you didn't realize it.

    Our hearts are with you. I remember this time in the disease and wish I could bring you food and comfort.
    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeAug 12th 2018
     
    {{{{{Hugs}}}}
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeAug 12th 2018
     
    This is happening and you are there for him. Everything else is secondary. Except, have you eaten?
    • CommentAuthorRona
    • CommentTimeAug 12th 2018
     
    So Quick and hard to understand but it is a blessing. When I look ahead I too wish for a quick ending. Hang in there it is going to be a tough day but we are all here with you.
    • CommentAuthorNicky
    • CommentTimeAug 12th 2018
     
    Wow, that's a surprise. Hang in there - you're in my thoughts. Be strong....
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeAug 12th 2018
     
    Marche, SMILE
    Wolf, they brought me a comfort cart minutes after signing the form. Fruit, coffee, snacks. At first I thought it silly, but it has indeed been comforting. I had granola bars and packets to make iced tea. Will go in search of real food soon. Another "nap" is required. I seem only to be able to sort of rest for an hour at a time. Just listening...
    • CommentAuthormyrtle*
    • CommentTimeAug 12th 2018
     
    Hi bhv, What a shock. Be kind to yourself. Above all, don't feel guilty about your thoughts. Your wishes have no bearing on what actually happens. That is completely out of your control. So think whatever gives you comfort and helps you to get through this ordeal. We are here.
    •  
      CommentAuthormary75*
    • CommentTimeAug 12th 2018
     
    Bonnie, you are in my heart, thoughts and prayers.
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeAug 12th 2018
     
    Hello smiling mary75 with the pretty white hair and red shirt. Thank you, too for your support.

    I was just remembering a time when lindylou was struggling with conflicting emotions and shared her thoughts. Wolf wrote something very interesting to think about. Lindylou pondered and savored that and made it her own. And Wolf (and I) knew that she would do that. And when she came back a few days later to discuss it some more, Wolf said he was waiting for her..... And I knew he was waiting for her. And I thought what a different and interesting and wonderful place we have made here with people from all over the world sometimes reaching out to hold each others' hands and wait for each other like that.
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeAug 12th 2018
     
    Having a bit of a panic attack. I want this to be over. AND I don't want this to be over.

    He was having trouble understanding how to let me wash his hair. So I was s researching rinse free shampoos. The razors were knicking his skin so I bought a different style electric on Thursday. Although played golf with a guy who had a salt and pepper goatee and mustache. Was thinking about trying that. His hair is still blond,but the giatee would be blond, black, gray and white. Dragons that needed slaying day before yesterday....
    •  
      CommentAuthormary75*
    • CommentTimeAug 12th 2018 edited
     
    Look for a place of stillness wherever you can and rest there, even if only for a moment.
  3.  
    Breathe. Just breathe.
    • CommentAuthorlindyloo*
    • CommentTimeAug 12th 2018
     
    Continuing to send support your way Bonnie as you travel this last journey. It can feel long I know. Imagining it as a canoe journey can be helpful. It was to me too a virtual reality that truly helped me. Passing through sunshine and shadow, dusk and then starlight, through all the cat o nine tails until you eventually reach the ocean when you can travel no further and he leaves on to where you cannot go. I call it going with the flow because there is no other way at this point. God bless. Even if it should happen you are not actually present when he leaves you you are still there with him. Important to know.
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeAug 12th 2018 edited
     
    Cindy Lou Who. I remember her. She was that cutie with the buck teeth in The Grinch not to be confused with the real cutie in public school who grew up to become Martha May or whatever her name was who used a gatling gun thing to shoot her christmas lights up on the roof to out do her neighbour because hey...that's what Christmas is all about.

    And when Cindy Lou is interviewing Martha May and they're all talking about the Grinch one person says "the hair" and another says "the breath' and Martha says "the muscles" in a way little Cindy Lou shouldn't really know anything about - but then when she's up at the lodge - I mean the cave - trying to get the Grinch to come to the whobilation she chimes in "Martha May will be there".

    "Oh she will will she?" the Grinch grumps and so on and so on and he gets the girl who gives the large rock back to the Mayor because her heart (and one presumes the rest of her) belongs to another. He gets the girl or she gets her man or the boy gets the woman or something. Sure, I remember Cindy Lou.

    Oh. You said Lindylou. Never mind.

    Speaking of whobilation (in one of the worst segues EVER!), I've never been there but I've been to humiliation which sounds the same to a tin ear (I warned you). I remember that one time in the boy's locker room in high school. Bob Lee was bragging about bagging Joanne on his date with her. The date she went on the week after she broke up with me. That was a couple of weeks after we went to Margaret Ann's house who's parents were never home and she told me that Joanne had taken off the girdle her mother (pastor's daughter) made her wear all the time...wink wink nudge nudge. Except I was no where near ready to do the wink wink nudge nudge. I thought about it all the time but I thought about outer space too and I wasn't ready to go there either.

    So. That led to the scene in the locker room where loud and sure of himself Bob Lee loudly proclaimed that Joanne told him her previous boyfriend had never had the guts to try anything with her. I usually admire accurate reporting but I have to say - not that time. That pretty much marked the end of my first love era. I wasn't worthy of anyone like that you see and that's when I started studying acting because I had such low self esteem. The reward for that hasn't been the standing ovations you might imagine. Instead most people I admitted that to laughed in my face because nobody could imagine me like that. Acting! You gotta love it.

    Dianne, the red headed Celt I married had no such quibbles. In that field in Albion Hills, she just reached into my jams and helped herself, the cheeky brat. So I married her of course because I'm not terminally stupid.

    That completely unnecessary story has an epilogue. Joanne dropped out of university pregnant, had children, got very big, and got divorced. Dianne didn't really look her best until her 30's, graduated, worked her way up the corporate ladder, traveled all over the world (I'm still sitting on a quarter million of her air miles), and was whales of fun in bed. No girdles either.

    Now you may think our story ended badly but you would be wrong. Our story ended sadly which is an entirely different thing. Distinctions like that can be important. Take guilt. After a long, long courtroom battle, the verdict finally came down. Both are guilty or neither. The what? If I was guilty of things so was she, and if she wasn't guilty, neither was I.

    Now. While we're waiting with you, I want everyone to check their pockets for my feelings. I had them in that locker room and I had them up in Albion Hills that day, but somewhere I've misplaced them and I've looked everywhere - even in my dreams, and they're not there either. I'm sure they're around here somewhere and I wouldn't mind having them back. I think. I keep seeing some mangled car parts laying out in the desert somewhere with parts sticking up like one of those paper mache cows Monty Python were so fond of.

    Be careful what you wish for I suppose. Which takes me back to the Grinch declaring "You did the right thing!" on hearing my sad no girdle story.
    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTimeAug 12th 2018
     
    There are no words that can make this time any easier for you bhv, but hope you take comfort in the fact many here have already gone down this road so real thoughts and feelings are being sent through their words. I think something in the brain, maybe the heart, can still respond to you - and even though outwardly he isn't the same man...he may be looking backwards and recognizes the woman he married. I wish peace for you, in whatever comes.
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeAug 12th 2018
     
    Wolf, you have said that before, and it is worth repeating - actually paraphrasing if you will dear sir, if I was guilty of things so was he and if he wasn't guilty then neither was I.

    And you can play Toby Keith's.song, "How do you like me now? " for the likes of Joanne and her girdle.

    I never saw the Grinch stories, but that was.seriously funny. But let's go for a hunt in the desert for those feelings. I've been looking for mine for quite some time too. Lately, playing golf, I have slowly seen a few glimmers. It is always surprising and feels sort of like an out of body type thing where I am looking down and see, oh look, way down there, Bonnie is having a bit of a smile. Wonder if that is real?

    Hey oakridge, several nurses have said the same thing. I had a.bevy of them in here working to get his fever down. My hospice nurse friend called and talked me through stuff. They say he can hear and understand things. They seem to think that the man I married is probably the guy who is here now. Cindy (my hospice nurse friend) says his spirit is who is listening now. That's who was there in the ER whenever he made eye contact and reached for my hand. Interesting thought at any rate.

    They reminded me of the tall, blond, pilot in blue jeans and cowboy boots who couldn't get a young butterbar lieutenant out of his mind. He has pictures of the two of us then in his wallet. Those pictures were a big hit at day care. Everyone likes the story of how he flew them and I fixed them.
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeAug 13th 2018
     
    Bonnie, I was taking that story out of the movie The Grinch starring Jim Carrey. I think the guilt idea bears remembering. It's helped me not get tangled up in that part of it. I'm not surprised by the story of the picture. Those are the facts of the story just like now is.
    • CommentAuthorDRA
    • CommentTimeAug 13th 2018
     
    It has been almost 2 months since my husband died after a horrendous month of delirium due to ALZ. I know how you feel after being at his bedside for those 3 days in Hospice waiting for that last breath. While there were times in the last year and a half that he was confused, he always came back. Just the last time, he didn't. I know from reading these boards that some would consider both of us fortunate that the bad didn't last longer but no matter who quickly it ended I still feel lost and not lucky at all.
    • CommentAuthorRona
    • CommentTimeAug 13th 2018
     
    Tough time hang in there bhv I can only imagine what you are going through and know that I will be there too at some point.
    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTimeAug 13th 2018
     
    Another day bhv, I didn't see a new post and was thinking oh you.hope you are getting some release in these last few and can enjoy a few moments with your husband, even if in spirit.
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeAug 13th 2018
     
    Monday. I've been taking care of all kinds of business like putting mail in hold, neighbor get the newspapers, cancelling appointments.
    I decided to contact his sons - estranged for many years. I am so glad I did. Had wonderful conversations with them and held phone on speaker next to his ear. They both said really heartfelt and kind and wonderful things to their dad. Upset that it is too late to reconcile but acknowledging that all three are stubborn and not tossing blame around. They had some experiences that support my theory that it could have been alzheimers related why hb caused the estrangement. Not totally, but a contributing factor. I am so glad two or three people encouraged me to do that before he died. Now I have two new friends too. They both said they could come right now. Since he is still unresponsive I suggested they wait and come for the memorial if they want to do that.
    Number one son said yeah, he didnt want to take a chance that his dad might wake up and have a stroke or something. We had a welcome laugh over that remark.
    Then was going to take a nap but hospital said they recommend hospice. Sounds great to me. However they dont do hospice here. They gave me a six page list of hospice agencies and are not allowed to recommend. I picked two I had previous referrals to and chose one. Picked the one with more access to VA options and a 24 hour LVN coverage option for homecare. Plan is to take him home tomorrow. Assuming he survives the night and is stable enough in the morning. So then I set up a plan for my neighbors and friends to accept delivery of equipment and set it up before we get there.
    Tomorrow I will really try to get in touch with a family friend who is a Mortitian. Hoping he hasn't retired. I don't have his phone number in my cell. I need to know what to do if he dies in transit and after that.
    What a day.Brain is fried.
    •  
      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeAug 14th 2018
     
    (((hugs))) Praying things continue to be peaceful. Happy news regarding the sons.
    • CommentAuthorlindyloo*
    • CommentTimeAug 14th 2018
     
    Thoughts and prayers continue your way. (((hugs))) too.
  4.  
    Good morning, bhv. I am still here beside you--thinking of you and him.
    • CommentAuthorCarolVT
    • CommentTimeAug 14th 2018
     
    bhv, you are handling thing so very well. Wishing you continued strength.
    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTimeAug 14th 2018
     
    So thoughtful of you bhv, to contact his sons, at a time when things are hard for you. Estranged or not, all four of you will know that, at the end of his life, that was set aside. You did the best you could for them and I know the boys appreciated you thinking of them. I think hospice is a great choice. You sound better, adjusting to what will be, it's still going to be hard - years ago I had a friend say the hardest was - enduring to the end. I hope your decisions bring peace to your heart.
    • CommentAuthorRona
    • CommentTimeAug 14th 2018
     
    Still thinking of you too bhv you are doing great.
  5.  
    There is such tenderness here in the comments from all of our friends on the site. I hope you are as touched by it as I am. We are with you in spirit.
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeAug 14th 2018
     
    Touched by it is putting it mildly. What would I do without you all??

    Jim passed away at 7:11 this morning. We apparently like to disrupt shift change. The two shifts were gathering and I went over there and two nurses saw mynface and just came running. One of them had been my night nurse two nights ago. Last night he was on the other side but kept checking on me anyway.

    Today's nurse was with us on Sunday. This part is easier for having a nurse who knows how I think already.

    The doctor just came by, and, would you believe, wanted to give me a hug! He said he admires me!

    It is weird, but I am wrapped in a blanket and not ready to just leave the room till I know something. I don't know what the end of that sentence was supposed to be. I can't just walk out the door and just leave his body laying in the bed. I think they are here to take him away. How can this be?
  6.  
    Arms around. There are just no words...except I am so sorry for the loss of Jim and what the both of you had to go through.
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeAug 14th 2018
     
    I'm very sorry Bonnie. Keep talking and for God's sake watch your driving. No thinking while driving.
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeAug 14th 2018
     
    Don't underestimate shock. And the backed up everything coming to the fore.
    •  
      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeAug 14th 2018
     
    all I can do Bonnie is send lots of hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs. Even though this has been a long goodbye, when it happens it can still seem sudden, too quickly. For the last few days you have had your husband back - I am happy you had this time as his wife.
    • CommentAuthorlindyloo*
    • CommentTimeAug 14th 2018
     
    Oh, Bonnie, we are surrounding you with all the love we have.
    • CommentAuthorNicky
    • CommentTimeAug 14th 2018
     
    Bonnie, so sorry for your loss. I'm sure this is a very difficult time for you. (((Hugs)))
    •  
      CommentAuthormary75*
    • CommentTimeAug 14th 2018
     
    Words fail me. Arms around and God bless.
    • CommentAuthormyrtle*
    • CommentTimeAug 14th 2018
     
    I'm so sorry. This must have been such a shock to you. I hope that in time the good memories will come back.
  7.  
    Your strength through all this is an inspiration, Bonnie -- I wouldn't have expected any less from an engineer! Big engineer hugs!
  8.  
    Bonnie ............ Blessings from an Old, Old man.
    You are so young to have to endure this but at your
    age I'm sure you'll find another happy life to live.
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeAug 14th 2018
     
    Thank you all. And yes I drove.very carefully. Am home. Got some sleep. Time for more of that.
    • CommentAuthorRona
    • CommentTimeAug 15th 2018
     
    Hugs Bonnie take it slow take it easy take care of yourself. Life will unfold.