It's after midnight here... I've been tossing and turning for an hour or so.. no sleep..
I wish it would warm up here but we've weeks to go before that happens... today we made it to 20 but won't be that warm again for at least a week.. more snow tomorrow... the skiers and snowmobiles love it..
I'm not crazy about the snow any more but I'll take snow over tornados any day..I'm so glad the windy weather missed you.
I too am burned out on all the responsibility...and Jim doesn't do much... but he does shovel the walk and take the garbage out... I am thankful for that...
The attorney cancelled today so instead I shopped for a few groceries at Wal-Mart...(the place I love to hate)...I don't have the luxury of shopping without him..so we ended up with a variety of things we have no use for....I asked him why he bought a can of windshield de icer..and he informed me it was ether, used to start cold cars....later he looked at the can which said windshield de icer in large letters and said he had bought the wrong stuff.. it was supposed to be ether.... so he could start cold cars......I remember years ago when cars still had carburetors using it... but those days are gone....and he bought other weird stuff... I no longer try to sneak it back out of the cart....
I can totally emphasize with you on the always coming back to the same thing....lately it seems even if we have a good day.. it won't last....that's part of my problem with trying to take care of myself....if I get away for an hour break it's almost worse to come back to than if I had never left...... it seems to be never ending.....
I realize it does sound like a pity party...but it's not... it's reality.....I wonder how different our lives could have been if there was no dementia...guess ill never know....
I'm starting to think perhaps I should be thinking of moving into one of the retirement communities...I think it would lessen the loneliness...and of course responsibility....he would undoubtedly fight me tooth and nail on it....
Sedgly, I'm going to be straight up with you. You are hanging on by a thread so here are some reccommendations.
1) From now on make decisions based on what works the best for you. You are the caregiver. AD wants to claim you, too. If moving to a retirement community is the best thing for you, then do it. He is dependent on you and will fight tooth and nail, but in the end, he can't leave your side either. Here's the truth. You get to call all of the shots for both of you now.
2) Try to get some outside help immediately so you can recharge your batteries. The drain from caregiving is constant and so great that you might not even know how exhasted and desperate you are. Make up fiblets. The Doctor insisted you get some rest. If he goes to respite, it's because you have to go to the hospital or some such story. Get other people to tell him the same story.
3) Keep posting here. Absolutely. Writing is one of the things that caregivers can do to validate their feelings. We are nonjudgemental. We've been there and we all want you to survive this ordeal. No one understands what this living nightmare is like the way the good folks on this site do.
4) Make a list of things you need to do to move into a more manageable situation. Try to deal with just one of those a day.
5) Find something distracting for you. When I was in the trenches, I couldn't focus enough to even know how to distract myself and everywhere there were so many triggers. I have found since then that audiobooks are a godsend of distraction. One of the books I recently listened to was about living in Alaska, so I watched a few episodes of Life Under Zero. Silly as it is, it took me totally away from the current place and time. PLanet Earth is another favorite show to watch.
6) Lonliness is a harder thing to manage. I think it goes back to introverts vs extroverts. Elizabeth had some good suggestions on another thread. The bottom line is that you have to make the effort to talk to someone and make that connection and if you feel misunderstood or judged, just move on. The latter is hard because you are already fragile and wearing your heart on your shirt sleeve, but talk yourself out of giving up. If there are understanding people on this website, there are understanding people in your community. You have to fish for them. Perhaps reach out on this site to some of the people at the same stage you are, like oakridge.
7) Be kind to yourself. If you want to have a pity party, do it. Set a time limit, though, as in "I will think about this from 3-4 pm this afternoon. If it creeps into your mind at 11 am, gently remind yourself that you will think about it at 3 pm. Make another list of all of the responsibilities you now have. Then look at it critially and see how you can streamline or lessen any of them. Be single-minded about this. Your husband's wants ands idiosyncrasies don't factor in. This is about your survival.
8) Keep posting. We are throwing you a knotted life line. Grab it.
Listen to Marche - she gives very good advice. If you are lucky your state has not changed the rules where he has to give consent to be placed in a locked facility. Of course, if he is not a flight risk, it might be different. Reminder: don't let this disease take two people. As for the store - would it work to put what you want up first, then the stuff he picked up and tell the clerk you don't want it? Maybe divert him to putting the grocery bags in the cart? I hate we have to do stuff like this or live this way.
I too have to fight off wondering how life would be if AD did not invade our life.
I know how much it helped when hb was placed those 6 weeks. When I brought him home it was good the first two months, then I started getting tired of it. He was so bored at home. Now he appears to be fitting in and happy.
The sun is shining, not very warm but makes me feel better to look out and see a little sunshine. Had a rough night, didn't get to sleep till after 3:30 then woke up later with terrible pain in my right shoulder. I've had bursitis, with impingement, and had evidently been sleeping on my right side. Couldn't seem to get turned over, DH woke up, couldn't understand what was wrong, thought I wanted him to get out of bed :) But I did get back to sleep for several hours. He told me to stay in bed - but the housekeeping fairy wasn't here - and someone has to do it. He then had the gall to say I looked like an old woman today :) had to really bite my tongue at that, LOL I don't like clutter but can't stay on top of it these days. Did get the dishwasher loaded and things put away so that helped - he just stacks things in the sink. Have to fold a load of towels, vac the front area then move the dust around a little. Debating if I should cook a meal tonight or just use leftovers. So used to the microwave, being without is a pain, LOL. Have to heat everything up on the stove and dirty a pan.
We are going to be staying in the teens during the daytime, lower at night. Was supposed to start warming up Tuesday but saw this morning they are now forecasting more snow for Tuesday. Since dh has two dr appt (re)scheduled for Tuesday I'm not sure what we will do. Hate to reschedule again because it might turn out to be a beautiful day. Things change so fast around here. Want to get these appts over with so I can quit worrying about them.
Sedgly, do you do any needlework? I haven't for years but I love embroidery and found it would relax my mind. I can crochet but my knitting isn't so good, I have to completely concentrate on it -- which means I can't think of anything else. I saw my knitting bag upstairs yesterday, with some beautiful yarn and a half finished afghan. Thinking I might unravel it and make something smaller that will go fast - but at the same time keep my mind occupied. Used to crochet little caps for Newborns in Need. I need to get back to that type of thing -- not a job that requires anything but something besides AZ to think about.
SW MO. After we got used to living here we never bothered with the weather, a good 4x4 and we could go anyplace, anytime. But now, I don't like to be out when the weather is unsettled....we live 25 miles from town and the weather can change fast. Last report is worse weather moving in late tonight through Monday but Tuesday and Wed will be cold but dry, then snow again on thursday. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.
Have to get a bale of hay out tomorrow, this last stretch of cold has pretty much done our pasture in. I've been feeding heavy when it's so cold at night but chewing on good hay keeps them warmer.
An article on caregivers I read recently could have been one of my posts. The woman was saying he couldn't even say a complete sentence at home, then he gets to the doctor or someplace and talks and seems perfectly normal - so people think she's making it up. it was driving her crazy. This was probably the best series on caregiving I've read, obviously written by someone who's been there. In a different one a "leader?" said caregivers should be more patient, more forgiving, put themselves in the patients place. She got a lot of feedback, saying "...how dare she tell people that? They were tired of people saying just be more patient etc, AD took everything we have to give then keeps taking, it was often a hardship for the caregiver to just get up and go another day..." Sometimes it's just good to hear someone else say we know what you're going through. That's why I feel this particular forum is so special -- everyone knows what your days are. I'm sure not a single person I know would believe what we go through each day...unless you have lived it, you really can't imagine it.
I will end this on a better note. I keep Readers Digest in the bathroom...one way to get a little privacy. An article on chefs using microwaves caught my eye since I have to buy a new one this week. A famous chef gave his recipe for lobster in the microwave. First put a live lobster in the freezer for about an hour to stun it, then put in the microwave for about 6 minutes. Finish with lemon etc. That just struck me so funny.....poor lobster, I think I know how he would feel, LOL.
My in-laws came walking off the plane from Boston back in 1978 carrying two dripping boxes with 6 lobsters. Hardest thing to do was drop those live, kicking things in the boiling water. Second hardest was eating it while pretended to like it. I don't like lobster or crab - too rich tasting for me.
I agree - I get so tired of being told to: put myself in his place; be more patient he can't help it; learn to talk their language; etc. I guess if the person only lives a few years with it, it would be different, but when they live 10,15 or 20 years - one can only do so long or loose themselves in the process.
Sounds like our weather is going east heading for you.
Hello all, a new day has dawned, which means we are all one day closer to spring..yay..
Marche, thanks for your advice, I will try and heed your words
I 1) have a hard time not considering what he thinks or says, I have always considered him and his thoughts and feelings..so this is new territory and sometimes tough to just ignore him... Though sometimes easy....a couple weeks ago he wanted to go 3 towns over for coffee... we had 3 feet of blowing snow and under no travel advisories....when I said no the incessant whining of 'its no worse than yesterday and we went then' started.....they eventually dropped the barricades and closed the road...I was pleased I had held my ground... it has never once gotten easier ... always a whiny, battle if he doesn't get his way....lately more anger than whining....
2)I do plan as soon as winter eases to return to the VA and set up some type of assistance...
3) I'm sure there is much knowledge and experience here, people who don't live it just don't understand it..
4) I'm not sure about making things more manageable but I've started a notebook a few weeks ago of everything that needs to be done from simple things like changing the furnace filters to his Dr appointments...it seems to be never ending...
5)I am attempting to simplify... I've always been the kind of person who needs at least three balls in the air to feel whole... if I flip on tv I have to have something to do while watching it....I plot.. I plan...so lately I've been forcing myself to only do one thing... if I turn on tv I put down the paperwork, phone and kindle... and amazingly what usually happens is I fall asleep.......I think my body is tired...
My Dr has told me repeatedly, "stress is not my friend"...
6) loneliness for me is a tough one... I am both an introvert and extrovert if that's possible... I love spending time alone and doing my own thing... on the flip side I also love being with people and having a good time....while most everyone I know knows about Jim and they all ask how is he? or how's he doing?Or does he ever hit you? Or are you going to put him somewhere??? They don't have a clue what they are talking about...it's not in their life.... The loneliness I feel I don't believe can be relieved by seeing people... it is a loneliness in my soul...even when surrounded by people it is still there,....sometimes more so.....an emptiness. of a missing mate.... there is a large void that use to be full....and he is here, to remind me continually that he isn't here... if that makes sense.....
Charlotte I so hope you get a break in the weather soon.. we don't get spring here till after Mother's day..usually with a mother's day blizzard..but we are set up for it for the most part...likely one of the best prepared places in the U.S.....I'm tired of the winter this year.....Jim changed some things to make it all rougher... (an open window in the shop that can't be closed.. a shop door that he some how adjusted so when it's closed its 2-3 inches off the floor..an altered wiring window...it all let's the cold in so pipes can freeze etc )by next fall I will have it all fixed....
Oakridge, yes, I use to do needle work... never much of a knitter but crocheted many things from Afghans to nativity set, toys and bears ..doilies etc..haven't touched it for years...been trying to get myself interested in some type of craft like thing,...I also use to paint ceramics, do bead work, sew etc.... I had got my daughter a cricut last summer and she made some neat things with it so I picked one up last month...but I've never opened the box....maybe someday...
when I brought my winter babies home from hospital they each had a hat someone had knitted...one of the daughters has a little side business of making hats..she does a lot of specialty orders but has the standard monkey hats, pumpkin hats etc...
The lobsters... oh my, no,no,no....couldn't do it....
Guess I better get busy... I'm sick with a cold, cough cough cough... my ears hurt but I think finally the doctor has the hormones where they need to be so I'm crossing my fingers and hoping for the best...
Four days ago Jim switched again, from sweet Jim to angry Jim...
The rest of the story..that was too long for previous post
Four days ago Jim switched again, from sweet Jim to angry Jim... Here's yesterday's example... remember, I'm sick...so last night I told him he could have a can of soup..he loves that Progresso pot roast soup.. all you have to do is dump it in a bowl and zap it a couple minutes....so he's going to get his soup..i tell him...theres a bowl in cabinet at end of kitchen, top shelf , left side....(same place bowls have been for 30 years.)....he goes in kitchen and shortly is swearing and screaming...he has gotten in to a cabinet in back of kitchen and got a very small bowl, attempted to put soup in it,, didn't fit...made a mess.... by the time I arrive in kitchen to see why he is screaming he has a large serving bowl he is now putting soup in....I walk to the end of kitchen but before I can do or say anything he is screaming ...he doesn't need me...... go away.... why am I always watching him....he doesn't need any help....etc etc.... I turn and leave without saying a word.......
Our youngest son stops over and Jim thinks he will act this way with him.... son tells him he is a bully.. and he's not taking his crap... ..Jim is even more irritated...son is chuckling...hints of becoming physical are made... son laughs and tells him not to threaten him, he's not afraid of him...(did I mention son2 is 6'4 and 230, his last semester of college he took a job as a bouncer and discovered he could do very well as a bartender ..he doesn't hesitate to jump into any physical altercation) also at 29 years of age he's not a child...he tells me not to worry, he would never hurt his dad... but he needs to stop acting like this.... he will not or cannot accept it is not intentional........
Today the snideness is still there, Jim keeps it just below the surface, always threatening to erupt....
Dh reserves his anger for me - Not sure how he would react if the boys talked to him like that. They would often clash even when they were kids. The boys are all 6'2" where he just barely made 6' with his shoes on - but his explosive anger could make up for a lot, and he is a master of the snideness!!
When I logged on tonight it went to a few months ago - a post about the 5 warning signs of burnout....something like that. I scored 4 out of the 5, LOL. We go through the same process as you mentioned above with the soup - those are the times I used to blow up but have finally learned to do as you did, just turn and walk away. That makes him worse for awhile but if I don't respond he soon forgets it. I'm also better at remembering this isn't him but the disease.
He is in a downhill slide right now....I'm wondering if it might be the Aricept and/or Namenda. I can't tell they've done anything and suspect he may be one of the ones who have problems with them. Will discuss it with the doctor when I go in next month. Yesterday he was terribly confused and then got angry which happens frequently. Today he seems lost, makes me feel bad for him. Now they say snow in the morning --- I want to get these two dr apps over with so bad - I'm sure they're tired of my canceling too.
Oh, those hints about med alert bracelets and med info packets for the seat belt, were great. Never thought about it although we do have the ICE (In Case of Emergency on our phones. They say first responders will look there, but phones can be easily lost in an accident. I've made some travel pillows that fit around the seatbelt like that.
Tired tonight with a headache, but think it's more the gloomy weather right now than anything else. I hope you get better soon Sedgly, illness can be just too much on top of everything else. Who is there to take care of us?
The bulk of anger here is also for me.. but son2 is the person besides me who is here the most so Jim tries to dominate him.... usually after one of Jim's fits son2 won't come visit for a while...
Im not sure how anyone dealing with this wouldn't get burnt out... I think it's inevitable...i'm no saint at walking away... sometimes I can do it easier than others.. and sometimes not at all...it frustrates me to hear people say ,"it's the disease" frankly sometimes I don't care what the cause is..the end result is the same..he's an ass..and I guess I've never been to good at not standing up for myself and just taking it...
That being said, I also feel for him sometimes when he seems so upset and lost...even the anger makes me wonder just what he is feeling inside....
Hope your weather clears and you can get the appointments done.. we warmed up yesterday to 10 but they say it won't hold...im really hoping spring comes early this year...
I agree, I am tired of usually reading all the time 'it is the disease, not the person' as if that makes it any easier, especially when this has been going on for years.
For some reason I can't get into our med ins online without clearing the history, which means I have to log in here every time. When I started reading I didn't realize it was from last summer, what a lot we have all been through.
I do agree - it's the disease, not the person - is a little trite but it does help me when I'm ready to hit him over the head with something just to shut him up :) I say to myself, this isn't my husband. He would never treat me like this. This is a man who looks like my husband but doesn't act like him. I swear there are days I seriously think about letting him go ahead and do something stupid and I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. Then today, it was a rough morning but we did get to the afternoon appt and it was very good news, his foot has completely healed so he can begin doing things again. I was tired but made Orange Sauced Chicken over rice for dinner, which he loves. Afterwards he not only fed the dogs, he let them out and back in and cleaned their feet. Then while I was taking care of some paperwork he cleaned up the kitchen. Tomorrow I might be looking for a big stick again but tonight it's almost like old times sitting here watching tv. I think I'll go to bed early before something happens to spoil it.
Oakridge - good to hear of the good news and pleasant evening.
When clearing cache and history make sure 'clear cookies' is not checked too. It is when I clear cookies I have to sign into many sites again. Sometimes with this site, it takes a few times making sure 'remember me' is checked. Of course there are times when I don't and I have to sign in again.
Oakridge, I hope you have had a long break from looking for the stick....
My moment came Valentine's day... he took a piece of white cardboard, I think an insert from a pair of socks, and spent quite a bit of time working on it... I didn't really think of it till after..that he was at his table quite a while....... he drew a heart, drew a ruffle around it and an arrow through it... wrote happy Valentine's day in the heart... then I love you ..with my name all in caps and signed his three initials.... and left it on the keyboard at my desk for me to find.....
It thrilled me... ... he didn't call me "the little red haired girl" , didn't write any poem (he use to write the best, horrible rhymes lol)...... no gift aside from this.... it was the best... some place in his brain something connected and it mattered....
We got another 5 inches of snow last night... Sunday we are supposed to warm up to 1.....I'm ready for spring....
No stick needed today :) Actually he has slipped into a different phase - extremely quiet - not much conversation. I tell him we've already discussed that when he brings something up, he just says ok. I'm so glad you got a valentine!! How sweet; I can imagine how you feel. It's those little things that keep us going I think, knowing someplace inside him at least a part of the man we knew is still there. I bought myself a large bouquet when i came home Wednesday, told him they were to me from him because I knew he would have gotten them for me if he had been out. And he would, he used to send flowers to my office all the time.
Years ago I had a major concussion and brain bleed. Lost my memory...etc...etc....was like i had a dictionary in my head that had slipped down a little, I would use words that sounded like what I thought I was saying but much different meaning. Going through the different phases while I healed led me to study the brain later. It was fascinating, for two weeks I never got sleepy, another time I never got hungry. I had to relearn things and I could remember where everything was in our old house but not where it was in our current house. The neurologist told me I would keep recovering for about a year, after that time, I couldn't expect much more.
Say this only to describe I know there are areas in the brain that can work under the worst situations. Not sure what has brought about this change but it's nice. He's more patient with the animals, went out in the ice tonight to close the barn doors, it makes a big difference in keeping the heat in and we have a very large window that is subject to stress fractures, so try to always prevent extreme cold outside with heat inside. It is cold too, was supposed to snow but it started sleeting yesterday afternoon, all night and is still going. They say snow all next week. Was strange, I could hear it hitting the house but couldn't see it coming down out front. But in the back this morning, I was out with the horses and you could see it in the air. Everything is covered with ice - which I prefer to mud - if it wasn't so cold.
Just got the news our middle son and his wife are coming back for a few days over Fathers Day, they live in northern Oregon. Then our youngest son and his wife are coming from CA in July. In August my youngest sisters grandson (she died at 63) will be coming back for a couple of weeks before he goes back to CA to start school again. He came last summer for two weeks and we sure enjoyed having him. My sister used to bring his Dad to our ranch to ride horses and see a different way of life, now the Dad is grown and wants his son to have the same experience.
Hope he stays at the nicer place a while... Jim usually does...he hated me for six months or so.... then didn't.... then was nice for quite a while.... now the nasty anger is back, just under the surface,..it peeks out every now and then but if I can ignore it it goes away for a while...he is just snide.....
That's interesting about the concussion..last Saturday my nephew was at one of the riverboat casinos with a buddy and suddenly felt he would pass out... he grabbed his arm and said he didn't feel well and then fell backwards...he it his head on the floor and fractured his skull....ambulance took him to hospital and they say he will be ok...he has no memory of going to the casino...he saw a neurologist at hospital and they say his memory may or may not return... he is home now but dizzy and nauseous... they say it will take time but as the bones in his skull heal he should feel better..we are thankful they found no bleeding and decided no surgery..... in the mean time he is unable to work, drive etc... he is 21, so youth is on his side...
Today we have finally made it above zero, we are 1..tonight will be frigid again.... it has been snowing since yesterday morning...it's pretty... most all of our trees are pines so it has the look of Christmas cards...
How nice that you have family coming...and nicely spaced to cover the warm months... we don't get much family coming... they for the most part are afraid they will come and not be able to get back out....my youngest brother did come 4 years ago in May... and of course we had a snow storm...they got out but had to loop a hundred miles or so north to get around it...we have new neighbors to the east but they caved last week when we had 2 clear days and headed back to Texas said they would return the end of May....we have had snow every month of the year here... but lately the summers have been getting hot and we actually have fall... so who knows .....I use to love living here, at a mile high it's different... but now, without Jim really being here, I'm beginning to think of moving to lower elevation away from some of the snow..... it would likely take a year or more to get through all of the accumulated junk to be able to move....I started quite a while ago trying to downsize and get rid of stuff... sometimes I feel good about it and sometimes I feel like I haven't made a dent....
Beautiful day today. Right now it is 40F so the packed snow and ice is turning to thick slush on the roads here in the park. More forecast for snow and temps down to teens for the next week. I am tired of it just like so many others. Tired of all the shoveling.
Be safe Sedgly. Keep warm. I have a full tank of propane now so will keep the furnace up so I am comfortable.
Was surprised my propane was down to about 18yesterday, was almost 50% last time I looked. Put in an order hope they can get here soon. We are above zero but not a lot yet so everything is still frozen. Had hail yesterday evening and it's still there, looks like popcorn on the deck. Sleet and snow predicted all week, I'm not looking forward to it. :((
The good times didn't last long, he's been mad at me for the last two days, only speaking when he has too. I was trying to get some things cleared out while I could,we have an area at the back of the barn where things have gotten stacked - so it had to be moved before other things could be done. He's sure I'm throwing out his "stuff", no matter how many times I tell him I'm only throwing out trash and things that have gotten wet and mildewed he knows I'm getting rid of his treasures. He never wants to part with anything. Old wood that has been out in the weather for a few years, scraps to begin with -- he says he needs. The sad part is there is a lot in the barn that is very good, tools, building materials etc but I try and tell him we have to be realistic. No matter how good it is or how much we paid, if we're never going to use it again we have to part with it. sell it, give it to charity or burn the darn stuff. I can't get through to him that we can no longer keep everything we've ever had. Same with doing anything to the house, says we'll spend all our money fixing it up then die and someone else will enjoy it. Maybe I'll work upstairs tomorrow and avoid him, I don't have the TVs activated up there so he rarely goes up. I'm making hard decisions about what to keep for myself, only so much space so some things have to go. My problem is I don't really know what I can do in the near future so not sure what to get rid of. Will try and pare down everything I guess, keep just what I'd need to paint or do some sewing. The other things will be packed away in some plastic tubs till later in the year, then I'll determine what I really need. It sounds selfish but sewing, painting, jewelry things take up much less space than saws, tools, lumber etc. We have about half dozen doors out there with some old door casings I bought when an old estate was torn down. Had thought we'd use them in this house - but it had to be done so fast no one wanted to mess with antique doors. That's my story today, since he isn't speaking to me, and I cooked dinner early today so I wouldn't have to cook tonight I think I'll just put my headphones on and read for awhile. I found a box of books outside, no idea where they came from but I've never read them so that will be my reward tonight :) Hope you are all staying warm and our loved ones are behaving.
Charlotte, so glad you got the propane filled and oak, hope you have gotten yours also... thankfully we have natural gas so one less thing I have to worry about.. I know the folks always had to schedule it, usually was less expensive in summer but sometimes they would forget and then it was trying to stretch that last bit out to last till the scheduled delivery ...I thought of running the wood in the basement, got the woodroom still full from years ago, kids take wood now and then for camping or their firepits but the room is still 80%full... haven't burnt wood for over 20 years so don't trust it to be ok....
Weather here ,like so many places is still frigid... -8 last night but supposed to see 10 today...only a couple inches of new snow yesterday so that's good....
I'm sorry oak that he's angry again... that's just no fun... and I can relate to the paranoia of you throwing out his stuff.... the stuff Jim is paranoid I'm throwing out I don't... but I do sneak his torn up, or worn out clothes and shoes into the garbage....sometimes magazines and catalogs..... I have to put things in black bags with other stuff around it or double bag it then hide the small bag inside of the larger one so he can't find it....he has yet to miss anything I've tossed......I just only now while writing it realized how ridiculous that is... oh well...
I ventured into the shop last spring and was sick when I found a big pile of junk... like 7' tall, 6' deep and 25' long...it was all junk I'd sent to be thrown out but he "saved"... at the bottom of the pile somewhere is a transmission my oldest son had sat there....so when I asked what the heck all that crap was doing there..Jim just said it was because of sons transmission and I should tell him to take his transmission first then he'd get rid of everything else.........son saw it and I told him what Jim said and I guess he does have a transmission there in the bottom of the pile... he said he'd grab it if he could get to it..but we couldn't...he's the son that gets upset with all the mess... he knows he will be the one having to clean it all out....we did make a plan when spring comes that we will get Jim out of here for the day and load one of the work trucks and start hauling it away....we will see if it happens.....son always has good intentions but as a rule if we start something his work will send him out of state ..... he told me once that he thinks if he was to leave his job and do nothing but clean out Jim's mess he knows it would take at least two years.... so sad it's come to this......
I've figured one thing out with sons help... as I've mentioned before I'm going through some medical crud myself and I've come to realize if I have a bad day Jim attacks... any kind of weakness I show for some reason causes him to be an out of control ass....almost as if he consciously thinks "aha, I can get away with this and she's too weak to stop me"....so I'm trying really hard to keep up a tough front....
Sedgly, sorry about you discovered this hoard. Hopefully you can simply dump everything in this pile of junk except for the transmission. Not having to sort through this stuff would be a time saver. I agree that you need to get Jim away while you dump all the junk.
I have a question about your wood room. Is it in the house? When I lived in a condo we had a ban on storing wood inside or close to a unit (this condo was similar to townhouses and not apartment) due to danger from termites. Sure enough we always had people who ignored the rules and had termite damage to their doors.
Part 1 The woodroom isn't really "in" the house... the house was built in the 1890s. it has 3 levels, upstairs, main level and downstairs. The main level faces north and is ground level. The downstairs is ground level to the south.
The downstairs is where the shop is attached. It is separated by a wall with two doors from the house.. It is roughly 60-80 feet long (I'm not good with measurements but I know we can have four cars parked in a line...) Woodroom is at the south end of the shop. Shop is brick with concrete floor and side windows are all steel framed... skylight windows are wood...Woodrooom is probably 20x15 with 2 doors into shop and a door to the outside that's 3-4 foot above ground so it would be easy to back truck up to it and unload...
After thinking about it, last time we burned wood (aside from fire pit) was 89-90.. and likewise that's last time wood was delivered...as I said, the kids will come get a truck load every year or two for fire pits, or some of sons friends will take some for Creekside camping and if neighbor gets low we will give him a couple truck loads to get thru...
Haven't seen any bugs so am assuming it's either far enough away to not be a problem or they don't like our altitude or cold...
At the north end of the woodrooom hidden maybe 8' off the floor is a large gas tank..which probably is in violation of many codes... back when there was supposed to be a gas shortage they had it installed and the delivery trucks wouldn't hesitate to pull in the shop and fill it...we haven't used it for years... was going to pull gasoline from it this winter to burn some brush piles with but JC who does the burning had rotator cuff surgery so it'll have to keep till later...
From the gas tank wall to the house was enough room we would pull 7 cars in and park them at a 135degree angle... currently there are only two left parked on the slant and the rest of the area is totally filled with car parts, tools, etc...like a massive sea of junk..... some of it not having to do with cars is stuff I've never seen.
If you leave the shop and head west for a few hundred feet there are storage garages...which for years were simple, one stall garages with one car each....son told me last fall he was out there and Jim has filled in around the cars with more junk....I haven't looked.... I don't want to see it...
I have no idea how he even amassed this junk... the pile I just discovered I know, it's stuff I told him to throw out and he didn't but this other junk.... I just don't know.... I do know since he no longer drives and very rarely goes any place with anyone else there will be no more coming in....
I've had quite a few people offer to help clean stuff out... last summer when a couple guys knew Jim was at a car show with his brother they came to the house to ask me to consider having an auction, as he has some junk they offered to buy and he wouldn't sell it to them at their price.....
heck ya I want it all out of here and cleaned up...but that's one of those areas that even though he has dementia I have to think of him too.... it would rip him to shreds if I got rid of all his cars and stuff or let his "friends" take stuff.....so I'm trying to do is slowly.....I'm convinced the time will come when it won't matter so much....
Probably more about junk than anyone cared to read...
>>heck ya I want it all out of here and cleaned up...but that's one of those areas that even though he has dementia I have to think of him too.... it would rip him to shreds if I got rid of all his cars and stuff or let his "friends" take stuff.....so I'm trying to do is slowly.....I'm convinced the time will come when it won't matter so much....>>
I agree with you Sedgley, even though we were just cleaning up stuff I called trash last weekend, we've had a bad week since he felt we were throwing out all his possessions. I cannot bring myself to do a wholesale - get rid of everything. I know I have some things myself that have no real value but for some reason or another I want to keep them. My neighbor is big on if it doesn't "work" she doesn't have it in her house. But I like beautiful things, that have no value but make me feel good. Hmmm, seems like I've written that line before, LOL. Maybe I'm losing it faster than I thought.
He still has his fathers tools, old, rusted and useless but important to him. Going to try and see if he'll just give them all to the boys without even going through them although none of them want them -- maybe one piece but not everything. I have promised him we won't touch that area till he is there. That's why it's hard for me to accept offers of help -- maybe it works better if someone with no attachment does it but I can't do that. When I let my neighbor help once, she just started throwing things in the trash box without even asking -- some little things that belonged to my Mother. Not worth a nickel but I want to keep them. Each one is a memory of a time with my Mother.
Which reminds me, when my dil's Mother died she gave me some of her Rosary's. I'm not Catholic but thought they were pretty. In the fire she lost everything that belonged to her Mother and just today when I was talking to her I remembered having those. They will be here in July and I'll give them back to her. So we all need a little something that's important to us - just because.
Oakridge - you're right, the time will come when he won't remember about his stuff. Slowly, my husband started to forget what he owned. At the beginning he recognized it when he saw it, but did not ask about it if he didn't see it - out of sight out of mind. And eventually forgot about it completely. I was able to donate some stuff when he wasn't around & he never missed it. Once your husband gets to that stage it will be easier for you to get rid of things. If you can wait until then, it might diminish the stress you're feeling right now with the clean up. Or you can start now with things he hasn't looked at in a while & might not remember he owns. As much as we all need to clean up some areas of our homes, I agree it's nice to have some keepsakes - some of us need it more than others. I love your story about the rosary beads - what a wonderful gift to give your dil.
Changing things even when you spouse isn't at home isn't always easy. Leannah will ask for stuff and now that means looking in the attic since I have put much of her stuff there. Can't find a biography she wants, she insists it was in one place and I said I cleaned that out and moved it to the attic. She thinks I'm stupid for moving anything.
She still has a lot of clothing in the bedroom closet (all the clothing is too small for her but I want to be able to find it if she loses weight). Still has 3 shelves of her books in the bedroom. So I keep all of her stuff because there is always a chance she might want it or need it at some point. Which also prevents me from moving into a smaller home for now.
I understand you wanting to keep stuff while he is at home and it gives him comfort I understand.
paulc - I'm surprised your wife is still able to remember her things & asks for them. That must make it very difficult for you. Are you still able to have good conversations with her?
I doubt my husband would recognized something he owned, let alone remember it without seeing it - he doesn't always recognize me & I see him daily. For the most part he does recognize me - I can see it in his eyes, which is good. However, he barely speaks now. Not to sure what he'd say if he could speak. The other residents on his floor who speak don't make any sense. Communication on that floor is very challenging.
Guess I will go away from here for a while and try to get back to my place of denial....
I am overwhelmed with tears.....last night I woke 4-5 times each time crying my eyes out...(have I mentioned I am so not a cryer...example I always give is holding Mom as she took her last breathe and one tear leaked out.....just one.... I am not a cryer) each time I woke I surprisingly had the thought that came from nowhere that he is leaving me...and I don't want him to go.....and there's nothing I can do about it.....and I cried.....i reached out and put my hand on his chest as he slept... and thought of waking and reaching out and him not being there.......and when I woke this morning I cried more....my chest is so tight I can't relax it.......
It's so out of my control..... I don't like things I can't control....12 years ago when we were told my granddaughter would die was my first experience with wanting something badly and not having any control over it.... I contacted children's hospital in Philly and a place in Germany that was doing experimental treatments only to be told there was no hope....that's when i first realized money is worthless...and when she passed it changed everything......
Now 12 years later this is so out of my control....I have for the last 6 years just tried hard to stay in denial and pretend it's ok .....to only think of today....to laugh it off ...... to convince myself not to think of what the future holds.....
Yesterday morning when I took him for the morning drive he was spewing vile angry comments at everything....not at me surprisingly....but everything he saw.... I tried distracting him ......so one minute he's calling some woman names and the next I'm saying look how green the pines look against the snow....and he says yes, it's the contrast....then follows it by asking what a man is doing walking his dog....with 15 or so vulgar words thrown in....he doesn't want the man walking his dog..and if I had slowed likely would have told him so...( just some random guy walking a dog on the sidewalk next to the road we are on...)
Self analyzing tells me....perhaps writing about the shop and his junk brought to much out for me to think about....too much to face that yes, sooner or later I have to deal with everything..that this is really happening......or maybe it's the vileness returning....the brokenness....the missing person.......I don't know how people survive this..........
It's not a pity party ..I'm pretty tough......it's a I have to figure out how to deal with this party.....so I guess I will do what I do....curl up in a little ball and shut the world away......
Look at it as a phase to go through. You allowed yourself to cry, have a time of mourning, and then you will go on. I also grew up not crying or at least not let anyone see me - crying was for sissies! When my sister remarried she married a guy in his 70s who also had a shop full of junk. He collected the motors from small machinery like grinders and such - said he was going to fix them and then sell them. He never fixed them although until his stroke he tried. He also had containers and containers full of screws, nuts, bolts, etc. Then my sister added to the clutter with her stuff, her kids stuff, my kids stuff, my stuff, etc. It was a huge shop you could barely walk around in. The house was full of their collecting which they both loved going to thrift stores buying stuffed animals that talked or played music and my sister found some collectible teacups. Her husband was real good at getting them to work. After my sister died everyone was told they had until the estate sale to come get things. Her kids hired an estate sale company who advertised it as a 'hoarders sale'. Guess they had a whole lot of people show up. The rest was loaded into dumpsters and hauled away. The estate sale company arranged it all. Bet when the time comes you could do the same thing so don't worry about it now. If the hoarding makes him happy then let it be (as long as there is no unhealthy stuff in the junk). This is an example of 'pick your battles'.
the vulgar language is what I would have trouble dealing with. Anger and profanity just turns me away.
So have your time of grieving and then do what we all do - pick up and go on. It will come again - guaranteed, then you will do the same again. Everyone thinks I am doing so good but I have my times when it hits. Example was today reading the story of a couple that died hours apart after 70 years of marriage thinking we won't have that opportunity. Probably will make our 50th though since that is only 2 years and 3 months away, but hasn't been a marriage since probably our 40th or before.
Nicky, despite recent language losses my wife can still have a conversation. The problem is more there is little to talk about. I try to get my wife to talk about her life. And I avid any material that might trigger her.
Like Paulc my husband can still carry on a conversation - but rarely is it relevant. Something on TV may trigger a story from his days as a policeman - 60 years ago when he was going to school. I've heard them 1000 times but it's almost current to him. He has started keeping the magazines I get so he can look through them first. Not a big deal since he doesn't even read them, but when he sees something in the news magazine he gets upset with the government, mixes things up - even decades. But I just let him ramble on till I can find a stopping place. We really don't have a lot to talk about, I tell him about the horses, etc but it's just passes through his head, he doesn't retain anything. Has no questions about anything and gets angry that I'm not happy with it. I keep telling him when we get everything sorted out, he can put up a nice new workbench etc and he can do some things -- or, we can just sit here together --- but until the mess is in some type of order I am in constant stress. He is close to being a hoarder, think it comes from a very dysfunctional childhood, alcoholic father etc. Wants to keep everything because we might need it someday.
Had 1 ton of "Junk" taken off yesterday, sooo glad to get rid of that stuff. Supposed to be a man coming tomorrow to buy, dismantle and take away the big frame we have outside. The covering tore off in a storm and it's just been an eyesore for two years and not worth anything to us. Possibility we sold the washing machine too but not sure yet. If not, it's going to Habitat. Will work this week and get another load to take away next weekend.
Have a question of those who have used Namenda. DH started taking it in November and seemed OK but for awhile now he has been having problems that I think are side effects of the Namenda - and/or the Aricept. Won't change anything till I talk to the doctor, sent her a note today and will hear back in a couple of days. Seems I remember a number of you had stopped using the Namenda. Any comments or advice?
the side effects my husband had were: vision changes, brain fog, easily exhausted - a 100 foot walk would exhaust him. He complained about the brain fog. Didn't know about the vision changes until his new glasses came and they were blurry. That cleared up when we stopped the drug.
I would google side effects of it and see if any of them are what your husband is experiencing.
Great job on getting rid of stuff. Baby steps - get rid of the safest stuff first.