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    • CommentAuthoraaa
    • CommentTimeJul 3rd 2018
    Read this week that AD strikes women much more than men. Don't remember the exact figure and don't want to go look it up :) On this list, it seems that there is more input from women than men. Do men just not post as much? Not take advantage of lists like this? Have entirely different needs when it comes to caregiving? I wonder if friends and family have a different view of men who are caregivers, as opposed to women who are basically family caregivers all their lives? It may have been AARP where I read this, also that AD begins at least 20 years before a diagnosis is made, which of course is no news to many of us.

    Nothing to say of importance about it, just curious about the figures. Why are women affected so much more - and why don't we hear more about husbands taking care of wives?

    I had to stop and go help DH find his keys, daily occurrence. I was up early, had coffee on the new deck listening to the birds, then came in to prepare lunch for later and feed the animals etc.etc. Dh got up at 10, had coffee, watched TV, and now, just a bit ago decided to go see if the mower would start. But the mail lady came....and threw him off. Eventually found his keys out in the driveway. Keys are a big thing for him, very important that he have them, but constantly loses them. I keep spares hidden but if I don't hand them over, it's a battle. Lost the mower key last week, has lot 3 mailbox keys, lost the gate key as well as the lock :) and so it goes. So now, instead of sitting down and resting a bit, I'm shaking from all the AD induced things that have gone on this morning. Right now he is concerned with tearing up all the mail that came with our address on it - paranoid about that....and argued that the medications that came in the mail were his, not mine -- even though it has my name on it :) We had a terrible fight last night - nothing new - he doesn't think anything is wrong other than a slight memory problem and I just make up the other things. We had a small deck built out front this weekend. The front area is very uneven and he and I both have fallen out there not to mention the mud mess when it rains -- he has been promising for 3 years to do it. He knew all about it, told him when they texted they were on the way, but when they arrived he was furious, told me he was planning to do it later this summer. Angry with me for having it done without telling him, had only been two hours ago we had discussed him doing it later. And so it went. He repeats things over and over, forgets what he's doing so does something else, forgets any discussions or plans we have - and I still discuss things with him even though I know he won't remember 5 minutes later. I think what really gets me is when he accuses me of lying about telling him things ----- as he knows if I had he'd have remembered them.

    I only get the news from a weekly news magazine as he refuses to watch it on tv and we don't get a paper out where we live. So had planned to have a little time to relax and go through it. But now I'm upset, irritated, wishing things were different, wishing I handled it differently....wishing we had our life back. But I'm the only one that's bothered :) He has no memory of what he started to do, and now at 1pm, I doubt he'll do anything today - another day where chores that need to be done are put off because he can't/won't and won't let me do them, as it's mens work. He still looks like my husband, sounds like him and sometimes difficult to distinguish the man he was from the man he is.

    Really and truly I didn't start this to rant today, was just really curious about the discrepancy between AD and women vs men. Has anyone else thought about this and wondered why??
    • CommentAuthorMitsou*
    • CommentTimeJul 3rd 2018
    I think that I had read that women had AD more than men, but I only know of men who had it in DH’s family – his father and 3 of his uncles, and of course him. I had not heard much about AD growing up in France and never heard anyone, family or friends who had it – maybe they called it senility then. Did you read if they make research on AD on a gender basis? Because I have read that women and men react differently to heart disease treatments and researches are made on each.

    As for your DH driving you crazy – that happened a lot with mine. He would hide everything so that “they” would not find it. This is the reason I have to go through all the papers back in our house in GA as I find money between newspapers, his knives behind the furniture, and so on. He would try to help me (he said) and would clean the kitchen but forget where to place the frying pan for example, then after searching for a long time I would find it in the garage or in the out building, and he would say “they” put it there, not him. It is disheartening to go through all this with a person who used to be so bright – I feel for you, it is not easy.
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeJul 3rd 2018
    We have discussed this often in the last 9 years I have been here. Yes, women get it more often than men - something like 62% are women. Why? Many theories but one leading one is menopause - something happens to women whether loss of hormones,etc. make them more vulnerable.

    Why are there mostly women here? Mainly because women tend to seek out help and support than men which includes searching online which is how most of us found this site. And maybe men do get more support from family and friends, I don't know. We have always enjoyed our men that join us and treasure each one of them.

    As for keys - I would put all the good keys away and give him keys that don't work. I would also fix the lawnmower so only you can start it. It is hard to take over doing what they always did, especially if they fight you on it. I am glad you got your porch built - anything to keep you both safer.

    Mitsou, when you talk about finding money stashed, I have to laughed. When my MIL died, the one without AD, we found money every where -over $60,000. That is a lot of money. I am assuming she hid it but it could have been my FIL although my MIL is the one that handled all the finances.
    • CommentAuthorxox
    • CommentTimeJul 4th 2018
    The risk for AD seems to be larger for women by percent when looking at age cohorts. So the longer life expectancy for women does not explain it, though it contributes to the total number of women with AD being greater than the number of men. But in these 2015 statistics the rate isn’t incredibly higher for women.

    As to why men are less likely to go to support groups (face to face and online). There are pure speculations and not supported by any research:

    1) Men are more likely to divorce their wives when AD symptoms arrives, especially behavioral ones with someone without a dx.

    2) Due to women having greater longevity, perhaps more of the women do not have spouses than the men. Include that male spouses tend to be older than their wives.

    3) For the same reason men are less likely to ask for directions when lost, whatever that is.

    4) Men might be more vulnerable to being socially cut off without being aware of it.

    5) Lower expectations for men when it comes to caregiving. Men get praises where I am sure women are simply expected to provide the same level of caregiving. Might be that relatives might be more willing to help, especially daughters (one daughter I bet is expected to provide full services).

    6) Men might make greater use of paid help, either inside the home or ALF or NH. Thus might feel less need to reach out for help.

    7) Men are really clueless and don’t notice the difference.

    I can’t say how much of any of my idle speculations are genetic or cultural in basis, or if the speculations are valid.
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeJul 4th 2018
    Paul - as a man, what led you to seek online support?
    Maybe the other men can chime in.

    We can't forget that since this hits in senior years, many men are not good at computers.
    • CommentAuthorRona
    • CommentTimeJul 4th 2018
    Why online help? I needed help and did not find any support groups that fit the bill. With a wife with early onset the groups were either made up of caregivers not specific to being a spouse Or groups were much older hard to find people in similar situation. I was a counsellor I also wear my emotions on my sleef so was not afraid to let it all out. Many men are not comfortable in showing their emotions I think why feel it is a sign of weakness and not for them. INteresting comment Paulc you feel men are more likely to divorce their wives when ad symptoms appear I don’t know if I agree with you on that one.
    I came first to the Alzheimer Assn. site ten years ago looking for information about the disease -- not emotional support -- and was directed here by a friend on that site. At first I was optimistically looking for possible treatments and "cures", and it took a while to accept that the disease is terminal. Then I started looking for technical things like stages of the disease and life expectancy. But before long I was learning invaluable caregiving tips and a heads up on behaviors to be expected, and how to deal with them. In the process I formed some enduring cyber friendships with folks on this site, some of whom have moved on while others have hung around as I have -- nine years after earning my asterisk. I guess it's these friendships, and the remote chance that I might be able to help some newbie, that keeps me here.
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeJul 4th 2018
    gourdchipper - just by staying you are helping those of us still in the trenches.
    • CommentAuthorxox
    • CommentTimeJul 5th 2018
    I came across online groups in my research on FTD. I joined a number of groups and cut back to a handful over time.

    One of my sister in laws did research and suggested a younger onset face-to-face group for me.
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeJul 12th 2018
    here is an article on the subject