Rodstar - glad to hear you're finally getting a break from caregiving. You will be able to enjoy her company more now that you're visiting instead of full time caregiver.
Just got a call from my sister. My niece died this afternoon. The one I was so angry about on Tues cause they wanted me to pay her medical bills. Must have been a brain tumor. They had MRI appointment for Tuesday. They are in Florida. I'm in CA. May as.well be another planet.
Sorry Bhv. It is so hard when they are so far away and we are stuck where we are. If it was a brain tumor, it is good she went fast. We all know what it is like to die a slow death. And please do not beat yourself up because you didn't want to pay her medial bills. If you had it still would not have affected the outcome.
Oh, Bhv, I am so sorry to hear. Carrying you in my thoughts and prayers. So much for you to have to emotionally carry all at the same time. Charlotte is right in her advice to you. You take care of you. That is really important. Most important.
Today is our 45th wedding anniversary. Have mixed feelings - I know I should celebrate but finding it difficult to want to celebrate when I'm the only one who knows it's our anniversary. Went to visit my husband & told him it was our 45th anniversary. He didn't understand or realize what that meant. At least he & the other residents enjoyed the ice cream cake I brought them. I've been remembering how happy I was on this day 45 years ago & how I feel today - from very happy to very to very sad. I wonder if he'll see our 50th?
With Alzheimers I think we should eliminate SHOULD from our vocabulary. The ice cream cake was.a.nice touch. I'd say just about perfect. I don't even feel married any more. It is a legal contract. Nothing more. Kind of like a prison sentence. But Tues is his birthday.and I am going to make his usual angel food cake. Lindylou... I got some blueberry pie filling and lactose free whipped topping just for us. I will pretend you are here for the party. LOL
We just had our 47th. We will probably make 50 but it won't mean anything compared to a 'normal' 50th. My husband's parents had a big 50th party but it meant nothing to my FIL.
Back to another heat wave. Not as much humidity though so it might actually be bearable this time.
Nicky and Charlotte, our 42nd anniversary was in April. I cried but didn't even mention the day to my DH. There was no point, and it would have made me even sadder.
I agree - mentioning, trying to make it something special makes me sadder too.
As most of you know we live in an RV park. They people next to us moved out a week ago but they left their porch and old pickup filled with junk they had under their trailer behind. I guess his parents who live across from us will deal with it.
So last night I was back on the bed watching tv when he comes back all upset and tears in his eyes. I asked him what was wrong. He had trouble getting it out so I followed him out the the living area where he pointed at the truck. Then he said something like "I don't care what they say I am not responsible if someone takes their stuff'. I explained to him they will be back for it and it is not his responsibility. A few minutes later he came back upset again= again I explained but this time telling him the guys parents across the road would take care of it. It was not his responsibility. He seemed to understand this time and was relieved. Another stage, another loss.
Then this morning he looks in pain, sits back down on the bed. I asked him what is wrong. Takes him a while but he finally says 'I hurt down here' pointing to his groin area. Well, he gets a rash on his inner thighs and if I don't get the diaper rash creme on it it will spread to his genitals. I had him pull his pants down and slathered him up. I am thinking it might be a strep infection like I had for 10 years on my inner thighs or jock itch. I guess it is time to go see the doctor and make him do something more than sit at his computer! I will get it cleared up then it comes back which I think is from his sitting, sweating and only once a week bathing. Placement can't come soon enough!
Charlotte - is there not a residence near you to place him? Is he not advanced enough to be placed? Since I'm in Canada, I don't know the criteria there.
I have his name on two medicaid wait list. One place he is number 5, the other I don't know. But Medicaid will have to agree he meets their criteria too.
Charlotte, that's similar to here. Once the patient meets the criteria, they are put on a waiting list for long term care. I never knew what number my husband was, but his wait was not too long because he became a priority due to his behaviour. It's strange to think that his "bad" behaviour was beneficial, since it moved him up on the list quicker.
I just filled out the application. Will mail it tomorrow. I can earmark $1500 of the saving for burial savings which will cover cremation.
Last night I was outside with the cat and dog around midnight - decided to sit on the porch for a while - it was quiet, peaceful and cooled off (about 70). When I came in it hit me that life is so much like when the kids were growing up. When he was not home the kids played, could be noisy, run in and out, etc - just have fun as kids. When he got home - it was quiet, no fighting or running through the house, etc. The cat goes in and out or just stays out most of the day. When he is home for some reason he doesn't think it wants to stay out She can be sitting on the porch sleeping or looking around and - she wants in. She crawls under the porch (made it so she could to hide) but thinks she should be inside. So when he is home it is a constant in/out - I put her out, he brings her in. She will sit and plead to go out if you don't let her. Sometimes I am so tempted to let her out off leash so he can't bring her in.
He is really confused lately. I don't know if it is because he doesn't have glasses or not. So Friday I will take his prescription from 2 years ago to Eyemart where they advertise 2 pair for $77 dollars. Then will see if that helps his confusion and not break them for a while.
His concern about the neighbor's truck reminds me of my hb. He frequently gets upset about some boulders near the end of the neighbor's driveway. He used to jump in his truck and go try to pick them up. One time a package delivery guy drove up right behind him and they nearly got into a punching match before I got there to break it up.
My pool pump died yesterday. It is not quite 4 years old. This is very aggravating. The store says to call the manufacturer. Of course they are on East Coast. Will try again in the morning. Spent all day researching pool pumps thinking I have to buy a.new one.
Plants are turning brown after three days over 110 degrees. We'll see how many survive. Cooler now, but a Mexican hurricane is bringing humidity. There were some storms and flash floods in the hills. Remember the old western movies with flash floods?
We have been hovering around 100 for a few days now. Humidity has been low (teens) but the dew point is higher so it seems hotter than it is and muggy which is not normal for here. The new a/c is keeping it around 80-82 in here but it has to run all the time until around 8 when the sun goes down. We had bought one of those shade clothes a couple weeks ago and finally wrapped it around the front - it does make a difference. I have the oval grommets I want to put on it so we can attach it using the twist eyelets the MH came with. I will need to borrow or buy an 8 ft ladder -my 6 ft is too short for me. Right now the shade is held on with bungees and clamps. When we bought the motorhome the shades were in the storage bay. I didn't think to look until we got home finding them gone. Called the dealer and he denied they were there.
By Saturday I was 'I can't wait until Monday' when he goes to day care again. Today has not been so bad but he had a shower Friday and stinks. I will have to make sure he has clean underwear on tomorrow. In the meantime I am making use of the Breeze we have (we use to sell them). It is a machine that cleans the air and puts out ozone which does great on odors.
I did get the financial paperwork mailed off to Medicaid for the long term care. They should have it probably Monday but when they get to it who knows.
Figured out how to use Vudu on my Roku TV. I found the original 'Yours, Mine and Ours' with Henry Fonda and Lucille Ball that is free with ads. I like the remake too but love the original.
DMV visit accomplished without incident. His license expired this month. Got a CA "Real ID", free for seniors. I didn't explain what it was about. Just said we had an appointment. Pointed him in the right direction. Fortunately the people quickly got the idea to listen to me and let me help him. He was even able to sign his name in two out of the three spots. And they could live with that. What a relief.
good news bhv. Every little bit of good news is something we all like.
My husband came home from day care and sat down in his chair. I looked over later and he was leaning forward sleeping I guess since he didn't answer me. He looked a lot like the 'thinking man' statue except his head was just hanging with his forearms on his lap. Weird - another phase coming I guess.
Went to the support group meeting tonight. He didn't seem mad about being left with someone. He seemed in a good mood when I got home. Unfortunately I had not been home long when a childhood girlfriend called. He was not happy I was on the phone. I was back laying on the bed when he kept coming back. One time he asked about the cat - I said she could stay out. Next thing I know he is telling me she is running out in the road. This is becoming a habit - every month I go to the meeting, either just before I get home or shortly after he lets her go. Of course, he denies, has no idea how she got loose cause he didn't do it.
He has had what I think is jock itch - something he never had before. So he has to wash down there twice a day -with either a wash cloth or wipes - so I can spray the powder on. Told him twice he needed to take a shower to was it good but he is now in bed. Refuses a shower. I told him then not complain of it hurting down there.
Go to turn the a/c on to cool off the bedroom - window wide open. He does that when he goes to bed whether the a/c is on or not - open the window. I will do what is becoming normal - he can go to bed in a hot room, I will wait to turn the a/c on back there when I go to bed.
I dont know, but I have to come up with something good. I found a movie theatre with early show times. I think I will drop him at day care on Tues and go see Mama Mia 2. Maybe Patty will meet me there. I think I will have an ice cream sundae for lunch - diet be damned.
You are dealing with jock itch. I've been worrying about a sore on his butt. Took him to dr yesterday. It is an infected abcess, but doc was happy it is draining. So I am supposed to figure out how to put a warm epsom salt compress on his butt three times per day. I looked at doc and whispered, "you realize this can still be a life threatening activity". He said, this is the ideal recommendation and if you can't do it, you just can't. He prescribed a."big tub" of a cream. Says if I keep it in the frig it will be good for 5 years.
Funniest part of visit. Doc says ok drop your pants. Hb has been pacing around the room. So now he decides to sit down. I get him up. Turn him around. Say lower pants. He turns around again. I get him facing the right way and break it down to belt buckle, snap, zipper, pull down pants a.bit. Doc says, "Hmmm having trouble following directions..." I'm like um just a bit! Thankfully doc pulled down the depends enough to take a look.
The compress is supposed to let the cream penetrate deeper and something about the magnesium in the salt helps too. He can sit on the compress - has the depends. But does that mean I have to change the depends three times a day? Haven't figured out how to approach this yet, but can't pick up the cream til this afternoon. All I know is I better have it figured out before I start. Maybe I can put a baggie under the compress and let him sit on that hoping the baggie wont let the depends get soaked.
And Cipro for 10 days. Read the side effects of Cipro. Holy Mackerel! But then again....
Told him about the VA geriatric clinic and said I haven't found any geriatric psychiatrists here. He said they have all gone to Beverly Hills or Newport Beach. None here. He was glad to know about the VA. Both for his patients and, I imagine for himself. (He was our Flight Surgeon when we were active duty.)
Happy your hb seems to be getting used to the support group night routine. Very good news!
Here in So Cal, I wait til sundown and open windows and turn on whole house fan as soon as it is cooler outside. Last year I would open windows and he would walk right behind me closing them. It was maddening. He was.afraid of robbers. This year he is not doing that. Thankfully. But also doesnt help close up for the night. Sits there and turns the tv back on.
Go upstairs and he closes the window. I go in and open it and close the drapes. As long as I don't say anything he will usually stay in bed. If I say something or look at him cross eyed or something he will get up and rip everything off the bed and throw stuff around the room. Usually I stand there leaning against the wall just mesmerized by the tornado in my bedroom. Depends on my mood whether I am willing to put it back together again or not.
You treat sounds good - hope you accomplish it. I did stop by DQ last night and treated myself to a blizzard. The cat was back by 11 - guess she was hungry and/or didn't want to spend the night outside.
Wow! I looked up that drug. Nasty for a normal person to take but a lot of side effects and restrictions on foods you can and ca't eat with it. Maybe depending on how big the abscess is, you could by those bandages that stick all the way around. Put the cream on, then instead of the compress stick it on. He might leave it alone at least for a while.
Problem in the MH we only have one window in the bedroom - no cross breeze and the wind usually doesn't come from that direction. In effect, the A/C just sucks the warm air in. I just left it off until I went to bed, then closed the window and turned it on so I could sleep comfortably.
bhv You can by bandages that will stick all the way around, and if you get them big enough you can put the compress right underneath. The brand I have used is call Meepore. It is good for people with allergies to adhesive and or sensitive skin. The other advantage is it is easy to pull off when you need to change it. It doesn't pull hair like a regular bandage. Yes Cipro is very strong and has a lot of side effects but it is also very effective and will probably clear up the abscess faster than any other antibiotic. If you go the route of the bandage over the compress, you could put a baggy between the compress and the bandage so the cream doesn't leak through. Good luck, I will be thinking of you and your trials and tribulations.
Wow, thanks bqd*. I need to try those bandages.because I am allergic to adhesives like used on the paper tape they use after surgical staples are removed.
For HB, I remembered I had.some pads for men that could be inserted in regular underwear. Never used them. I cut one into squares and put a compress on that and inserted it. First try, he was cooperative letting me put the compress in, but got upset when I tried to get it out to put on the cream. This morning went just fine. It is so disconcerting that he is able to become accustomed to certain things... but very helpful. The sore is already dramatically better. I have this huge tub of the cream and have only used two dabs. But will be ready if we have more of these sores.
Doc says it is good for sunburn too. I could have used it a few.weeks ago. Was outside pulling weeds and apparently my T-shirt ride up and exposed some of my back right at the waist band. Haven't had a.sunburn like that since the 70s.
Here I Am, two weeks living alone and mystress levvel is down. DW is addapting to her full tim cars.
she was more than ready to go. full time. I was far past ready. I have not missed bein woke early once. it has been 38 years since I have slept alone. All good. i am going up to see her Tues.,July, the 24th, her birthy for first time. question, what do i give her for birthday. Her 75th.
Good to get an update Rod. As for what to get her, will she even realize it is her birthday and understand? Depending on if she can eat -take a cupcake or ice cream. Does she like 'girlie' things? Then get something she could use but won't matter if it disappears. I am for keeping the visit low key.
Rodstar - glad to hear your stress has been reduced.
The cupcake or ice cream for her birthday is a good idea. I brought my husband his favourite cake for his birthday a couple of months ago - we had a few family members there to celebrate & eat the cake. For our 45th wedding anniversary 2 weeks ago, I bought an ice cream cake which my husband loves & I shared it with all the residents on his floor. They loved it. The leftovers were eaten the next day.
Rodstar. I am so happy to hear from you. I know you were really worried she wouldn't adapt over there, so am very happy it is working for you both. Am sure it means a financial hit but seems to be well worth it at this point. It will take you some time to slowly reduce your stress.level and get used to it. Don't be hard on yourself.
It was my hb 75th birthday recently and I made his favorite cake. He had no idea what birthday meant, but had a big smile every time I brought him birthday cake after dinner.
I visited a memory care unit just after Mother's day and some of the women had a paper or fabric flower pinned to their shirt. They beamed when I admired the flowers. One lady showed me her room and a painting her son had given her. Maybe you have a.lovely picture of the two of you to put on her wall? Or any pretty picture.
Again, Rodstar, big smiles and virtual hugs for you. Bonnie
So good to hear from you again Roadstar43, i had wondered how much progress you were making and how your wives cancer is doing. Glad to hear you are adjusting well too :)
As for gifts, don't know your wife, but for my Mother they said lotion was a good thing to bring since their skin got dry, maybe something in a pretty bottle, with a bow and smells nice.
As Charlotte said, they also advised that things of value often disappear, so things like slippers are good, lap robes depending on the weather. Our flowers were taken from her room and put on the nurses station -- my sister was furious and raised a fuss with the nurses but they were not put back. They said this way all the residents could enjoy them. Was not our intent, but I never took flowers again. Mother loved flowers, but I can't really say if she was aware they were for her or not.
Again, so happy to hear things are going well. I can't even remember what I got for my 75th birthday and it was just last year, LOL.
This was posted by Project Lifesaver: When I Wander - author unknown
When I wander don’t tell me to come and sit down. Wander with me. It may be because I am hungry, thirsty, need the toilet. Or maybe I just need to stretch my legs. When I call for my mother (even though I’m ninety!) don’t tell me she has died. Reassure me, cuddle me, ask me about her. It may be that I am looking for the security that my mother once gave me. When I shout out please don’t ask me to be quiet…or walk by. I am trying to tell you something, but have difficulty in telling you what. Be patient. Try to find out. I may be in pain. When I become agitated or appear angry, please don’t reach for the drugs first. I am trying to tell you something. It may be too hot, too bright, too noisy. Or maybe it’s because I miss my loved ones. Try to find out first. When I don’t eat my dinner or drink my tea it may be because I’ve forgotten how to. Show me what to do, remind me. It may be that I just need to hold my knife and fork I may know what to do then. When I push you away while you’re trying to help me wash or get dressed, maybe it’s because I have forgotten what you have said. Keep telling me what you are doing over and over and over. Maybe others will think you’re the one that needs the help! With all my thoughts and maybes, perhaps it will be you who reaches my thoughts, understands my fears, and will make me feel safe. Maybe it will be you who I need to thank. If only I knew how. Source: Caregiver's Voice
Alzheimer's: How to help a caregiver Alzheimer's care is a round-the-clock job. When you offer to help an Alzheimer's caregiver, be specific — and gently persistent.
By Mayo Clinic Staff Alzheimer's caregivers need all the support they can get. If you know someone who's caring for a loved one who has Alzheimer's disease, here's how to help.
Be specific
General offers of help can be hard for a caregiver to accept because they aren't specific. If you want to support a friend who is caring for a loved one, make a concrete offer. For example:
"I'm going to the grocery store. What can I pick up for you?" "I've got a couple of hours free tomorrow afternoon. May I sit in for you while you run errands or take time for yourself?" "I doubled my meatloaf recipe so that I could share it with you. I brought enough to last you for several meals." "Do you need some laundry done? I can pick it up today and bring it back clean tomorrow." "Does your yard need to be mowed? I'd be happy to take care of it this weekend." Check in
Sending a card or calling a caregiver can be a meaningful way to show support. Emails and text messages work, too — but often personal visits are even better. Contact with the outside world can help lift a caregiver's spirits.
Recognize signs of caregiver stress
Keep in mind that some caregivers have a difficult time accepting help, mistakenly believing they should do everything themselves. This attitude can be harmful not only to the caregiver, but also to the person who has Alzheimer's. Caregiver stress can lead to irritability, anger, exhaustion, social withdrawal, anxiety, depression and other problems.
If your offers of help aren't accepted, be gently persistent. Remind the caregiver that he or she doesn't have to do this alone — and the best way to take care of someone else is to first take care of yourself.
Charlotte, that "When I Wander" was beautiful and spot on advice! Being an engineer, trained to try to fix problems, it took me a while to let go of my training and learn to just go with the flow and try to live in my wife's confused reality rather than trying to correct her or explain things factually. My mental health counselor son finally got through to me that facts and correctness were beyond her, and unimportant to her "happiness" and well being. He helped me understand that when she asked about her parents or siblings or "going home", she was really just needing reassurance and wishing for the safety of her dimly remembered childhood -- and that reminding her that her parents had been dead for twenty years, or explaining the impracticability of getting in the car and going back home, would have been cruel rather than comforting. She loved singing, so singing along with her would take her back to her happy place -- things like that.
There are many beautiful poems out there written from the point of view of the person with dementia. I wanted to write a poem for caregivers, but I can't make things rhyme. Here goes, anyway.
Honey, I'm trying to understand you And give you the best care I can...
But I'm exhausted I was up with you until 3:00 last night, And I need to sit down And I need something to eat, But I don't have the energy to fix it.
I love you, But you've said the same thing Ten times in the last hour, And I just don't know how to answer you any more.
You forget That I was 52 when you were diagnosed And I'm 68 now. You want me to do everything, And fix everything, And make everything right for you. But I can't.
Sometimes I wish I had someone to turn to To ask those things of--for me. But I'm the caregiver... I only give care. I never get any.
Honey, I want things to be better for you, But I can't fix the things you need fixed. And more and more I find that I want--I need-- To spend some time and energy Fixing the things for me that can still be fixed. While I still have some hope that There is more to life than being a caregiver. And that I will not die doing this.
It may not rhyme JanK, but is beautiful and sure is accurate. How many times do I wish I had someone to turn to and not have the responsibility for everything. Truth be, I read the poem before I saw your post, and loved it, I think there is a name for poetry that doesn't rhyme but of course I can't remember it :)
Today I had several things to talk about and actually said them outloud. It really surprised me that he actually looked at me and smiled because he enjoyed me talking to him. Didn't understand a thing and interrupted me to point at the turkey vultures flying around, but for just a moment it seemed like we were having a conversation.
Jan that is very good. Says it all. Can I share with some other spouses?
You were 52 when he was diagnosed - sounds so young but then realize I was 55 (65 now). You have been in this nightmare a few more years but after awhile I don't think the number matters when it comes to how we feel.
Just finished talking with the lady at DSHS on Medicaid application. She has sent a referral to the social worker to come interview Art. I asked her if she knew how much money I would get to keep - she can't tell me exactly until after the meeting with the social worker but she did say since my SS is so low, I will probably be able to keep most of it. Now the waiting game is on.
I followed my plan and went to the movies this morning. Saw Mama Mia 2. Glad I saw it on the big screen. Beautiful. Great story, great dancing, great singing, great casting. It was a good thing I was by myself though. Since just losing my 28 year old niece and trying to comfort my sister and thoughts of my mother, lost, oh so many years.ago, I was basically sobbing the whole movie.
Was planning on an ice cream sundae for lunch. Found a place with ice cream but not what I was looking for at all, not at all. Why, oh why, do we NOT have Carvel in California? How can this society survive without one good ice cream shop??? Had to settle for a deli sandwich. Nit quite like the delis back home, but close.
Heat wave again. Pool pump died yesterday again. Was astonished when manuf sent work order covering parts and labor this time. Guy says he will be here today. It is probably 114 out there by now.
We are sitting at 104 right now. Suppose to continue for another week at least.
Sorry about your pool pump. Go play in the sprinkler to cool off!!!
I am hooked on Dairy Queens peanut butter cookie dough blizzard. Their Jurassic park blizzard (pieces of peanut butter dipped in chocolate) is not bad, otherwise my favorite is peanut butter cup.
I belong to another website that has been invaded by spammers. I thought you might find this explanation by one of the knowledgeable members interesting:
I did not say that there is a Denial Of Service attack - the level of input is verging on such but that is not the object of the people behind it.
It is not hacking - There is no evidence that the site has been hacked.
The Korean input is from a 'SpamBot' - It is not a human being and the only human involvement is to write the software and reap the rewards - Everything else is fully automatic. The purpose of a Spambot is to overwhelm any defence in the hope that some of the input might not get deleted. In the normal course of events Moderators would just deal with each input on a case by case and that is what the SpamBot software circumvents. This particular SpamBot is NOT targeting SN in particular but is randomly finding any unprotected web forums to paste material in the hope that some members of those forums will open the link on the message. If you open the link, in order to join a gambling (losing) website then your computer will also be infected with malware which will find your contacts list for future use/sale. You will not be opening a link to a human - There are none there!
There is no ulterior motive - Any unprotected website will do.
The SpamBot 'invasion' has nothing whatsoever to do with the loss of the Galley etc. The only 'connection' is in the management of the site in that the site owners could do something about the spam because it is possible to block it.
The Members cannot do anything about no matter how united they might feel. __________________