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    • CommentAuthorRodstar43
    • CommentTimeJun 4th 2018
     
    my wife's memory is shot. She has forgot our 56 yeadr marriag. calls me David get's mixed up regarly now.She asks same questions, who is alieve dad aftter day. some times gets me right.cant rationalize at all. she get frighten scared at what is missing. could no survive in ALF on own. No way wit out mw help.,I think she is ready but, my question when. How much should i suffer through. thid decision?

    Her a Angiosarcom caner is spreading. she is on hospice for that.
    • CommentAuthorbhv
    • CommentTimeJun 4th 2018
     
    Rodstar! I've been wondering how you've been and a bit worried.

    I have no idea how to decide. In your case I think it is time, for both of your sakes. Is she still knitting? Don't know why I ask that.

    I recently toured a memory care place that was so nice I would like to be there and could definitely see my hb doing well there. They said they are trained to care for him and I can go back to being a spouse. (With a recent medication change for him, things are calm and safe now so I am not ready for MC.)

    If you can swing it, I think memory care would be great. The problem is no one can tell you how long it will be. I know you've said you can't afford assisted living for you and memory care for her, but I think you both would benefit.

    My two cents worth
    Bonnie
    • CommentAuthorCarolVT
    • CommentTimeJun 5th 2018
     
    From what I read, once the decision is made to transition to Memory Care and the spouse sees how well it works out, the usual comment is that they should have done it sooner. Also, frequently there is a comment that the loved one made the adjustment better and is happier than the spouse would ever have projected. The spouse usually visits often and keeps track of how things are going, so it is still being a caregiver but not having to be on duty 24/7. I know that my mind is more open to the possibility of placement sooner rather than later when my DH needs more care and attention than I can manage. Right now we're fine, but I know that may change.
    • CommentAuthormyrtle*
    • CommentTimeJun 5th 2018
     
    I don't think the question is whether she is "ready." It's "How would it benefit you and her?" You are already in fragile health and from what you've written here, taking care of her has been a real strain on you. It sounds like she can also use more help than she's getting. But would the financial cost leave you enough to stay in the ALF long-term?
    •  
      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeJun 5th 2018
     
    Been said on this site many times: if you are wondering if it is time for placement, it is past time.

    I think it would be the best for her. Hospice can still take care of her there. The other option if she is not a threat to escape, would be regular nursing home as opposed to a locked memory care. But it definitely is time to mover her where she can be cared for and get the stress off of you. Then maybe you can enjoy the last days you have with her more. As for forgetting anniversary - we just had our 47th and it meant nothing to him.
    • CommentAuthorRona
    • CommentTimeJun 5th 2018
     
    The comment that really rang true for me was “It is not when your spouse is ready, it is when you are ready.” Your spouse in their mind will never be ready for me I knew I had reached the end i was a mess. The thing is it just does not happen over night once you make the decision it can be months don’t wait until you have hit the wall. As Charlotte has said if you are wondering if it is time for placement, it is past time.
    • CommentAuthorpaulc
    • CommentTimeJun 6th 2018
     
    I agree with the above. Also, the longer you wait the more difficult it will be for her to adjust to the transition.
    • CommentAuthormyrtle*
    • CommentTimeJun 6th 2018
     
    Rockstar, In rereading your post, I realized you were not asking whether your wife was ready. (You said she was ready.) Your question was: "How much should I suffer through this decision?" The answer is: "Not much, if at all." Just do it.
    •  
      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeJun 6th 2018
     
    Might I add you have already suffered enough - both physical and emotional stress.
    •  
      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTime6 days ago
     
    How are you doing Rockstar?
    • CommentAuthorRodstar43
    • CommentTime3 days ago edited
     
    I am hanging in there, tired. DW has started getting up early and walking the halls. Increased comfusion. cognitivly, she is losing ability to understand words, time, places ect. They have let me take her to the memory care unit for some baby-steps. mixed results. will do again tomorrow. Some wome up there look like they need to be in a mental ward. She has become excessively restless. She does not want to sit still long, gotta walk.
    Thirteen hour days with no rest now untill she goes to sleep. She repeatedly questions everything, marriage, me, kids, home, moving, pets, dead parents and relatives ect. And, no more crocheting, TV, reading, baths on own, but wants to talk to people. If she does, she will break it off after 10 min.
    And, the angiosarcoma cancer is spreading. Three more new areas.

    Thanks to everone for responding.
  1.  
    I've been thinking of you and your wife, Rodstar. Hang in there, babe.