my wife's memory is shot. She has forgot our 56 yeadr marriag. calls me David get's mixed up regarly now.She asks same questions, who is alieve dad aftter day. some times gets me right.cant rationalize at all. she get frighten scared at what is missing. could no survive in ALF on own. No way wit out mw help.,I think she is ready but, my question when. How much should i suffer through. thid decision?
Her a Angiosarcom caner is spreading. she is on hospice for that.
Rodstar! I've been wondering how you've been and a bit worried.
I have no idea how to decide. In your case I think it is time, for both of your sakes. Is she still knitting? Don't know why I ask that.
I recently toured a memory care place that was so nice I would like to be there and could definitely see my hb doing well there. They said they are trained to care for him and I can go back to being a spouse. (With a recent medication change for him, things are calm and safe now so I am not ready for MC.)
If you can swing it, I think memory care would be great. The problem is no one can tell you how long it will be. I know you've said you can't afford assisted living for you and memory care for her, but I think you both would benefit.
From what I read, once the decision is made to transition to Memory Care and the spouse sees how well it works out, the usual comment is that they should have done it sooner. Also, frequently there is a comment that the loved one made the adjustment better and is happier than the spouse would ever have projected. The spouse usually visits often and keeps track of how things are going, so it is still being a caregiver but not having to be on duty 24/7. I know that my mind is more open to the possibility of placement sooner rather than later when my DH needs more care and attention than I can manage. Right now we're fine, but I know that may change.
I don't think the question is whether she is "ready." It's "How would it benefit you and her?" You are already in fragile health and from what you've written here, taking care of her has been a real strain on you. It sounds like she can also use more help than she's getting. But would the financial cost leave you enough to stay in the ALF long-term?
Been said on this site many times: if you are wondering if it is time for placement, it is past time.
I think it would be the best for her. Hospice can still take care of her there. The other option if she is not a threat to escape, would be regular nursing home as opposed to a locked memory care. But it definitely is time to mover her where she can be cared for and get the stress off of you. Then maybe you can enjoy the last days you have with her more. As for forgetting anniversary - we just had our 47th and it meant nothing to him.
The comment that really rang true for me was “It is not when your spouse is ready, it is when you are ready.” Your spouse in their mind will never be ready for me I knew I had reached the end i was a mess. The thing is it just does not happen over night once you make the decision it can be months don’t wait until you have hit the wall. As Charlotte has said if you are wondering if it is time for placement, it is past time.
Rockstar, In rereading your post, I realized you were not asking whether your wife was ready. (You said she was ready.) Your question was: "How much should I suffer through this decision?" The answer is: "Not much, if at all." Just do it.
I am hanging in there, tired. DW has started getting up early and walking the halls. Increased comfusion. cognitivly, she is losing ability to understand words, time, places ect. They have let me take her to the memory care unit for some baby-steps. mixed results. will do again tomorrow. Some wome up there look like they need to be in a mental ward. She has become excessively restless. She does not want to sit still long, gotta walk. Thirteen hour days with no rest now untill she goes to sleep. She repeatedly questions everything, marriage, me, kids, home, moving, pets, dead parents and relatives ect. And, no more crocheting, TV, reading, baths on own, but wants to talk to people. If she does, she will break it off after 10 min. And, the angiosarcoma cancer is spreading. Three more new areas.
Last week during onr harsh. interigation by wife I started to hurt/burn inside chest area. Stress and accumulated stress started happening every day. I can't keep going through this. It is helping me to make a decision. Twelve hour contineous interigation an jabber sessions can stress you. I won't be helpful to her or me with a. stroke or somethin worse. So, I asked today for space and cost estimates. something is gotta give.
Prayers that they can find room for her yesterday. Take deep breathes, put some cotton in your ears or do like me - head phones and listen to stuff on computer.
Thanks. things got worse for DW today. Then in the middle of that we went back to our ALF room and I discovered someone came in an stole my strong pain killer drugs. Management and police called as that is a felony. More stress. Glad the day is coming to a close.