I just wanted to share an aha moment I just had. Thinking back to this weekend, I had gotten so stressed and anxious. We were shopping for some indoor outdoor carpet at a large home center. We had the measurements with us, we needed a piece 7" 1/4" by 11' 11". The roll came in 12 foot lengths, my DH stated it was to long, as we needed less than the 12 foot length. I turned and was ready to leave, I was not about to argue with him over an inch that we would have to cut off. He called me back and said lets talk to them. They were helping another customer at the time, so I agreed and went to find a cart. When I returned, they were ready to help us. We told them the length we needed , they cut it and then wrapped it for us. we carried it up to the cashier, the SKU was incorrect, needed to wait for someone from flooring to get us the correct SKU. DH, asked if I could carry it out alone, he would go get the car. I said I could probably handle it alone. It took another 5 minutes before we had the right SKU and was able to pay. The cashier volunteered to help me carry it outside. When we got outside, my husband was not waiting for me. Instead I noticed him wandering around the parking lot looking for our vehicle. I just stood there and waited, I was able to help some other customers load their purchases while I waited. It took him about 10 minutes to finally drive to the front of the store. I was so angry, but bit my tongue. Today as I was thinking about the scene, my aha moment - I realized I must learn to be more like him, not to sweat the small stuff, we are here for only so long and you might as well enjoy what you have. He was not the least upset over not being able to find the car, it was just another one of life's adventures. Memo to self - breathe, enjoy. Anger only makes it worse.
Nice you found positive in the moment. My husband forgets so quickly which is why he doesn't get upset. As you said, we need to take a deep breath and relax. Not like it is a matter of life and death!
Seems as we age and have more stress it gets harder to remember where we parked. When going to the same stores I try to park in the same row every time. Amazes me that at times he will remember where we are parked - although that is getting rare now. He looks for the Navy sticker on the back of the car to find it.
Sorry, have not had a chance to check back in. He has early dementia with moderate memory loss. He seems to slip into the dementia mode and back out again. That's why I get so angry with myself for losing my temper. That moment has really made a difference in how I see things. I am now making an conscience effort to enjoy, laugh, love him as long as I can, dementia mode or not. I would love to blame it on being absent minded. Did that for a long time before getting him to a neurologist for testing.
Hi Jill, These incidents are frustrating. What worked for me was to consciously cut shot my emotional reaction and focus on the practical elements of the problem. So, for example, I would not try to enjoy the moment or try to be more like him or think about what a nice guy he was. Instead, I would address the issue (both outwardly and to myself) as a management problem. This worked. Not only did it offer a practical solution; it had the unintended side-effect of being a compassionate way to deal with him. To do this, you have to mentally be able to remove yourself-as-spouse from the scene and substitute yourself-as-neutral-observor.
Hi Myrtle, I appreciate your comments. Although I don't think I am at a point where I could disconnect myself, as spouse. Perhaps when he gets worse, I will be able to do that out of necessity. We are new to this illness and I am learning a great deal from this message board. We celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary yesterday, planned on going out to dinner, but substituted a nice lunch instead. That satisfied both of us, he tends to lean towards "sundowner syndrome" and he's easier to manage during the day than in the evening. That is strictly my opinion and I am the one living with him, so if it makes him more comfortable, that makes me more comfortable. If that makes sense. Living in the moment has really helped me, I keep telling myself, this is just another adventure. Hopefully, one day these adventures will bring back wonderful memories of what is truly important in our lives.