Claude has been in bed for over an hour now and just got up and said he was fixin' to go home. I told him he was home, he said oh? I said yes and you need to go back to bed. He went and five minutes later, he called me and said he thought I was going somewhere.
This has been happening more and more lately. Once I reassure him he is home, he is content until five minutes later, he has forgotten and starts in again.
I haven't experienced it, but I have read about it. They want to go home. Home is where their parents were, or where he lived as a young man. Sometimes this is the reason for the wandering. They want to go home.
Mom wanted to go home every day her last months. I think most people want to go home where your earliest memoried are. Mom kept talking about her siblings and seeing her Mom in her room, etc. My husband is not to that point yet.
My DH does this all the time. When he wants to go home I tell him that I will take him first thing in the morning and he is OK with that until a few minutes later, because he forgot that he had ask me that before.
I read about this recently. The short term memory goes first. Once it goes, no more short term memories are made, so everything is forgotten from that time forward. They can now only remember older, long term memories. As the disease progresses, and their cognitive abilities regress, they are living in their past as a child. That is what they are thinking and remembering. They may ask for a parent who has been dead for decades, or they want to go home - to the only home they can remember - the childhood home.
As Carma said, the only way to deal with it is to agree and distract. Telling them they are home does not work. If you tell them - we'll go home later or tomorrow, by the time later or tomorrow comes, they will have forgotten about it.
My grampa had Alzheimer's, he never talked about going to his childhood home. He never did the whole wanting his parents either. I am hoping the same is true for Lynn. He has lived here for over 50 years, most of his life. He re-built it himself after a fire in the 70's. He loves this house, it is the only home he has ever spoken of.
But this brings up something I have been curious about... if someone had a bad childhood, would they still "go back" to that time? I mean what if it was a bad place, painful for them and they had "blocked it" or put it behind them. I hope in that case, they don't have to go back, I truly hope God isn't that cruel.
Redbud - My husb does this too, usually upon "awakening" after being in bed (normally near the early morning hours)...I have assumed he's "dreaming" and remind him that he's 'retired and doesn't need to get up early and go anywhere anymore'...this has helped him (mostly)...if he does get up, I just let him & I try to keep on sleeping...of course that doesn't work too well, esp if he's rummaging around & in & out of our room where I'm trying to go back to sleep...sometimes they just have to "go"...even if it's just from room to room.
This topic comes up over and over and is definately an 'alzheimers trait' from everyone's experiences i know and have contact with. other forums have extensive topics on this as well. the 'going home' syndrome for us has never gone away. one thing that has stayed in tact in his mind. over the yrs i have come to the conclusion that its not a physical place of 'home' but where they feel safe and without fear and or maybe it could be even a meaning for BEFORE AD times. we have tried everything in the book, but the one that works best, is 'we'll go home later," then he forgets til next time. i personally believe its a spiritual 'home' where we go upon leaving this life and that our AD loved ones have some sort of insight into that world that awaits. divvi
Thank all of you who suggested that "we'll go home later (tomorrow, soon)" I'm not dealing with that desire yet, but if it happens I'll know what to say.
But what do I do if he forgets English and starts talking Hungarian?
My husband has recently started speaking German (not that a German could understand what he says) and he's native American, only learned a little German when he was doing a lot of travel overseas. So far, I haven't gotten him to explain why.
As for the "going home" and how to deal with it, the article by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller talks about this in some detail. Joan put a link to it on the home page, "Understanding the Dementia Experience."
Nikki, it has been my sorry experience that an ADLO can indeed return to a bad childhood. Happened to my mother. I had not known about it (although I did know I disliked her mother intensely), but one time when I was there caring for her, she talked about some bad things, being whipped for example. So I later asked my father, and he told me some of what she'd gone through growing up.
About 3 weeks ago my DH (stage 7) shuffled into our kitchen where I was doing some clerical work, and finally, he doesn't remember too many words, said "home". I said what and he repeated. I asked him did he want to go home. He emphatically said yes. I was stunned. We have lived here 38 years and he too, loves our home which he built for us. This is the 1st time this has happened. Finally I asked him if he wanted to go see his Mother. He shook his head yes and said "see Mom". I told him OK as soon as I finish what I'm doing here. Why dont you go sit in your chair and wait. He did and that was that. Never came up again. Then last week he tried to say something and I thought he wanted to go somewhere and asked him if he wanted to go see his Mom and he shook he head No, and mumbled "she died long time" I never did figure out what he wanted. I gave him some water and he forgot whatever. I would like to have another lucid moment like Joan talked about in her blog today. I miss him so much....
Oh forgot.. Hope he don't start talking Japanese. He was in Japan 2 years after he spend 13 months in Korean war. He learned a few Japanese words which I don't think were to used in mixed company. I really don't want to learn Japanese...
We went throught the "I want to go home" syndrome for a while. I could usually convince him that we were okay or distract him. Sometimes he could not get there and wanted to walk out of the house. In those extreme cases, getting in the car with him and driving him a bit and then coming home usually worked.
His original language is German. You could never hear it in his voice unless he had been drinking. Last year when he was in the psych ward and very heavily medicated he started talking in German. Fortunately that only lasted a while before he switched back to English. As he continues to deterioriate, I would not be surprised if he starts talking German again.
My DH's native language is Spanish. Every now and then will he just speak Spanish to me. By good luck I do know enough of the language to understand. After a while he goes back to English. Big Tree Murphy said that her husband sometimes spoke German. And he was not a native German.
When I was a kid, I loved the song "I'll be home for Christmas" and it always made me want to go home. This is really stupid, since I was at home. We were very poor and everyone I knew was having much more then my parents could afford for my brother and me. I guess I was just wanting a home with a tree and all the things other kids were having. We never even had a tree. Makes me really sad to think of this because my parents did the best they could and loved us dearly. Then many years later my mother died on Christmas eve. Maybe she wanted to go home for Christmas too.
déjà vu, redbud. Isn't it spooky when that happens?
bluedaze, one of my all-time favorite movies is "On a Clear Day You Can See Forever" with Barbra Streisand and Yves Montand. Simply adored the ending -- such incredible hope.
Andrea would stand up suddenly and say, "I need to go home now." I assure her she didn't, that she was home. She'd sit, agitatedly, and wait. A few minutes later, she'd stand and say, "I need to get home now. I've got small children, and I need to go take care of them." The excuses she came up with were numerous. She'd insist she had things to do, or that she was needed at home. She once said that her mom didn't know where she was, and could someone please call her mother so she could get a ride home.
It never seemed to me that she actually believed these things, like she really thought she had kids at home. It seemed to us that she was using any excuse she could to get us to take her home. If someone has small children at home, well of course you must let them go home, right? She didn't realize that we would know that she didn't have small children waiting for her. Every time we told her that she didn't have to get home to kids or parents, she just said, "Oh" and would sit. Then be up again in 5 minutes with another reason to go home.
The home thing...boy, that's a weird aspect of AD. And I will tell you that Andrea didn't have a child hood home life she ever wanted to go back to. My theory on the home thing is that they are remembering a 'feeling' of home as a safe, comforting place, where no one has AD. You know, like when you are traveling and you are tired of being away, and all you want to do is "go home." Or you are at work sick, and you just want to be "at home" and in bed. The location doesn't so much matter, it's not a specific physical address. 'Home' refers to the comfort you receive. It's an idea, a feeling, a desire, to be safe and AD free, that they label 'home.'
This is why you can take them to every home they've ever had, and it's not right. They aren't looking for a structure, they're looking for a solution in the only way they know how.
well damn, your post brought tears to my eyes....so heartbreaking. I truly hope Lynn doesn't go through this stage. But, if he does.. I will keep your words in mind trisinger and just reassure him he is safe and loved. Thanks!
One of my neighbors visits with me (part of the neighborhood procject to help me and my husband) and to some extent I've become HER support group. Her mother in law has Alzheimer's and is now in a nursing home. One of the other women in the nursing home keeps needing to go home to her small children. From what she tells me it is constant and the woman is actually in her 70s or 80s.
trisinger is right that what they really want is to go to that safe place they used to go to when they didn't feel well, and that safe place doesn't really exist. My understanding is that the only way around it is to distract them, but since I've never had to do it as yet, I have no idea HOW one distracts them.
I read part of "The Dementia Experience," click on the lower left of the home page of this site. Its helful in understanding a little of whats going on with our LO's. Its fairly easy to distract them, at least for me. I just say "OK, in a few minutes" or "as soon as Jane Doe calls" or "when this load of wasing is done" you get the picture. One time I actually took him in our vehicle and drove around for awhile and when we got back home, he went in and was fine. The article talks about people not looking like they did when our LO was 12 or 10 or whatever age they think they are in at times. I have a picture (enlarged) of my LO with 2 of his brothers, when they were 5, 6 1/2, & 8. He loves that picture and has it near him most of the time. He will pick it up and look at it for the longest time. I wonder what he is thinking and can no longer put into words..
This has been happening lately. Dh will get his coat on, then come and ask me to take him to the train station because he needs to go home. I try to distract him by talking about our real plans for the rest of the day, but often the only thing that really helps is to go away somewhere (preferably by bike because that requires him to concentrate), then say, OK let's go home now and come back to the house. Interesting note: he had the blue spiral notebook that he takes to day care clutched in his hand this morning when he wanted to go "home."
I suppose it could be that he's confused between real home and day care??? Would not be a bad thing if he was (subconsciously) growing that fond of day care facility.
Weejun, I wish. But don't really think so. I think it's that long-lost comfortable place of childhood that he's looking for. (He had warm and loving parents). But it's so puzzling that he wants to go somewhere by train.
For the first time last night, my husband said he didn't know how to get home. I told him he was home, this was our house. He was okay then. I am wondering if it has anything to do with going to daycare.
This must be a common occourance for Az. For the last 4 months Mar has come to me and said "can you take me home now". She also says I don't now how to get home. I too thought she is looking for her childhood home, but when I reasure her she is in her home she feels comfort. I can't stand the fear I see in her eyes when she is like this.
I am always amazed how similar our experiences. The 'I want to go home' is something my wife says often even tho she doesn't remember where her home was or what it looked like. I sold our house and move here to a home that she has never, and will never, seen. It makes me sad when she says this, but, to her home is where I am and it is not possible for me to do that for her. I would if I could.
On the forgetting language, there is a dear lady in the facility with her that was originally from Mexico. She married an American and moved to this country many years ago. English became her language and that of her children. However, now that Altz has progressed, she has forgotten the English and only speaks Spanish.
I have a friend who's mother ( has some form of dementia) says she as small children to take care of at home and needs to go home. She bought her mother some baby type dolls to take care of and it actually has helped quite a bit.
My mom was born in ND but spoke German before she spoke English..In the last stage she reverted to German. It was a huge handicap because my dad, who was Irish and spoke not a word of German coupled by the idea that my mom wanted to distance herself some from Germany ( thanks to WW II) prevented her from teaching us the language when we were little...she always would say " Dad forbade me to teach you a language he would not understand too"..who knows...
My DH spoke Spanish before he learned English...funny thing, sometimes he can't even think of the Spanish word for things now....so strange.
Language is a strange thing. One of my hospice patients does not speak or understand English. I assumed that was the cause of her confusion until I enlisted the aid of two Spanish speaking women. They had an animated conversation and I felt so much better-but not for long. :0) They told me the poor woman was totally confused and that the language barrier was not the cause.I do try hard not to make assumptions, but don't always succeed.
I once heard of a Lutheran Pastor who would have a (separate) Eucharist for the 'senior' members of the church, and conducted it entirely in German. Many of the elders were reverting to the language of their childhood in casual moments, even though they were perfectly fine in every other way.
I'm finding at at 73, I often think of comfort foods and gentle moments in my childhood and wish I could bring them back again. The smell of the honeysuckle bushes outside our 'water cooler' emmiting that sweet smell in our house. (Does anyone still have those big fans that were installed in a window. There was a drip hose that dampened the straw-like lining in the big box that surrounded the fan.) We called them 'water coolers" or maybe "swamp coolers". I have not seen one of those in decades.
Maybe it's as Mimi said, we revert to those things that were most comfortable when life was uncomplicated. I will make one thing perfectly clear.... and that is "I do NOT want another water cooler in my bedroom window!"
My DH packs clothes late every afternoon, says he's going to go home now.Wants to check on his Dad. I show him our barns(full of junk he has collected for over 40 yrs.) and he says he guess he'll stay until tomorrow.Tomorrow we start all over again.Somtimes I do take him in the car and ask him to show me the wat to go home,we usually end up back here and he is happy.Oh, he also asks me will I take of the dog if he goes.Sure is a strange disease.