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    • CommentAuthorpaulc
    • CommentTimeJun 15th 2018
     
    China and good glass is a pain to ship. While it would limit your potential customers you can indicate local pickup or delivery only.

    Unfortunately most china and fine glasses have drastically lost their value over the years. A lot of china goes to the dump because so many people can't sell their china. Fewer people getting married care about having china or silverware or wine glasses. Good for them, but this has devastated the market. We have fine china from our wedding, been used just a few times. At least it sits in a china closet so it is on display. I would sell it now if I thought I could get a nice amount of money for it.

    My inlaws used to buy china sets and silverware at auctions. Some have been given away as gifts, I think one of my sister-in-law's got some (and then a few sets from her husband's family). Antique furniture has also lost value because younger people have less interest in it, and those that like it are downsizing don't have room for it. We have a set of dining room table, china closet, buffet, server and something else I think. It was a present and we stored it at my inlaws for years until we had a home large enough for it. It isn't a big deal to me but I love the table and I would hate to break up the set, especially because it was in my wife's family for many years.

    Of course there is really good stuff that will always fetch a nice price if in sterling condition. Unfortunately many things that we keep, hoping we can sell them in the future, don't retain their value. Used record stores reject most of the vinyl records people try to sell to them.
  1.  
    I found that when I down-sized six years ago from china/crystal service for 12 to service for 8, that it sold at auction for pennies on the dollar. Nobody wants that stuff anymore. I have a nice set of sterling silver (International 1810, service for 8 with some serving pieces) that I bought second-hand when I was 21 years old for $500. It's been used quite a bit over the years, as has the fine china and crystal I've been accumulating since I was in my 20s. Many happy memories, and the china and glass look gorgeous in the china cabinet. But nobody wants that stuff anymore. They get boogity-eyed at the mere thought of washing anything by hand and not putting it in the dishwasher. I'll miss my dining room set when the time comes--not because it is elegant (Queen Anne style, solid cherry--think "Colonial Williamsburg"), but because of all the fun times family and friends have had together over the years. But, oh well...this is the New Millennium after all. And it's not about the beauty of the table setting anyway--it's about the people. (If there is still anybody around post-Alzheimers. Heh, heh, heh--black humor there.)
    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeJun 22nd 2018
     
    Yes, I have a lot of the worthless glass here also....the antique furniture that no one wants....
    Most of it use to hold memories for me......not so much now.....memories are just that,....they don't keep you warm at night...

    At thanksgivings we've always set a formal table...for 28... and yup, lots of hand washing the dishes...wine glass, punch glass,water glass, pedestal coffee cups....so, 100 or so drinking vessels...many years ago when someone was lost we started a tradition of toasting those who have gone before us....the table is set with place cards...at one end were our parents....then our generation...other end was grandkids...(our children's generation).... .... it hit me 10 years or so ago....the parents and their generation are all gone from their end of the table.... it is now our end.... the middle is now full of our children and spouses....and the other end full of our grands.....we are next in line to leave the table... one sister in law has already passed, leading the way for us.......... it's a brief moment after the blessing.. when someone random says "to those who have gone before us" ......but we pause and remember....and the first year a tear is shed....some times a few years.....

    I doubt the thanksgivings table will carry on when we are gone.......and maybe that's a good thing....maybe traditions should change....evolve.....

    It's dark here, thunder is rolling,.....guess it makes time for thoughts........
    • CommentAuthormyrtle*
    • CommentTimeJun 22nd 2018
     
    I had a lot of that stuff, too, and we used it often enough, since my husband was a great cook and enjoyed hosting. Still have silver and crystal, but I doubt I'll ever entertain like that again.
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeJun 22nd 2018
     
    Last year at an Air Force reunion a pilot friend who married one of our pilots said her daughter couldn't believe she still had the "dated" wine glasses I gave them for their wedding. I still.can't figure out why she would tell me that. I still love those wine glasses. We bought the same ones for ourselves when we got married.
    • CommentAuthorlindyloo*
    • CommentTimeJun 23rd 2018
     
    Ah, bhv, Bonnie - I can tell you the answer for that one. I held an elegant dinner party last month and needed more wine glasses than I had in order to carry off this "seven course" meal successfully - the dinner was part of a benefit I was involved in. Well, when I went looking, the smallest wine glasses I could find were two and a half times larger than the ones I had at home. Near as I can tell it is size that makes them dated. Has nothing to do with their intrinsic beauty. Only time I will use these larger ones I ended up purchasing will be if I am willing or foolish enough to try to carry off an event like that again. It was fun but it took over my life for an entire two weeks.

    I currently have two sets of fine china. The third set I gave to my d-i-l because she and my son wanted it. They were all inherited. I now use my fine china and sterling for any meal I am hosting for friends. And it all goes into the dishwasher! I polish the silver now and again, using that time to remember my parents. Keep thinking I should write down some of their stories.
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeJun 23rd 2018
     
    My mother in law had alzheimers. Before I knew about that, one Christmas, she invited me to dinner even though hb was.off flying in the pacific. When she asked me what the thing in the oven was I realized what was happening and helped finish up the dinner. After dinner she gave me her silverware set with our initial engraved in the handles. She and my father in law had decided they wanted me to have it.while she could still remember she wanted to give it to me.

    Isn't that just the sweetest thing?

    It came in handy because from then on we began hosting the family gatherings. Years later my sister in law told me about some of the pieces she bought for her Mom to go with her set. I was afraid Sis would want the set but she was happy I enjoy it. Plus she had her own set. She and her Mom would buy identical pieces for their sets over the years.

    I am putting together a dvd of family pictures for his sons. Am going to send the dvd with a letter telling them about alz. I am toying with offering the set to his oldest son. His wife seems to have a big family.
    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeJun 23rd 2018
     
    Oh Bhv, that was sweet....you had the right initial...

    We have the family silver also with Jim's family initial on it. It belonged to my FIL's grandparents first and was then passed down ... when we received it we were told it was for our oldest son.. it wasn't passed to Jim.. but to our son, who at the time was 10 or so...I've never used it, didn't want to clean it.... the other set MIL took to jeweler and had resilvered... never used it either...more of that stuff that just takes up room...



    Back in 2001 we were getting ready for the 4th of July when I saw smoke....we had a forest fire come through and we were given 15 minutes to get what we wanted... I took the silverware, family bible, a lamp that was the 1st furniture my folks bought, a coin collection, my computer tower (no cloud or laptop Lol) and insurance papers and walked away....

    We spent 10 days in a shelter with 5 kids, 2 dogs and a snake.....every evening fire updates came...thankfully fire missed our home. But it left me to realize how fast things can change...and what's important..or not...

    Oh yes, and MILs and cooking....one year everyone was flying in for thanksgiving, Jim's dad liked tomato soup cake. (Its like carrot cake) so I called Mom for recipe.. she recited it too me...and I realized there was no sugar... when I questioned her... she said "Well it has flour and they're both white"....needless to say I made it but not with the family recipe... she was officially diagnosed shortly thereafter...

    One more comment on the China....when Jim was still healthy he would sometimes tease me about the dishes...so I told him if he passed away I would have him cremated and turned into bone China...and we would laugh because for us it was outrageous....my nephew passed 3years ago and his ashes went to a glass blowing place here where they were made into glass swirly sculptures...it's not my kind of thing but I guess a lot of people like it...
    • CommentAuthorpaulc
    • CommentTimeJun 24th 2018
     
    Something lose from childhood which has almost no value are pianos. My grandparents bought my mother a baby grand Steinway while she was growing up, a major purchase for a cutter in the garment industry. I grew up with the piano (I played very little) but it was a key part of our home. Today it would be almost impossible to give it away, many pianos are destroyed because no one wants them. They take up too much room (I couldn’t imagine it in my house) and electric keyboards take up so little room. It is sad that so many things of beauty have lost so much value.

    My parents never had silverware. We had the good flatware which I thought was silverware, but my brother, who has it, says it is very early stainless steel, that my mother never wanted silverware because it was too difficult to clean.

    Perhaps I need to think up reasons to start using the good china. No good silver in my house anyway.
    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeJun 25th 2018
     
    Oh, the pianos...lol... mom gifted us a ebony Wurlitzer in 1990 when we moved to out house... I never played... but always wanted to.... kids never played....only mom played.... I disliked having that piano here, it was just in the way.. but I couldn't bring myself to get rid of it as it was so important to her...
    She passed in May of 2008, and in June I gave the piano to a friend's Mom who had lost hers in a move... I then tried to sell the one Mom had..but ended up gifting it to my sils sister....

    Two of my granddaughters play, but they have keyboards they practice on.. I do enjoy seeing them all dressed up for recitals sitting at pianos looking so small...

    Paulc, any day you're energetic enough to clean it and put it away is a good day for China :-)

    I don't care what the next generation thinks, I love a nicely set table.........
  2.  
    One of the hardest things for me this summer is going to be seeing my piano go--when I go down to the Heartland and sell the house. I know it is time...but I love that piano. It's not quite a concert grand, but it's a 5' 10" grand--a big piano with the most beautiful sound. But much too big to fit into the NY apartment, both in terms of the floor space it needs and the acoustics. And Sedgly, I'm with you about setting a nice table. I know my china and glass has to go, but I'm going to bring at least a couple place settings up to the apartment--I'm researching small china cabinets, to see if maybe I can preserve a few of my nice things up here.
    • CommentAuthorpaulc
    • CommentTimeJun 26th 2018
     
    Sedgly, while I always hand wash dishes, I rarely eat a meal at a table. But I will use the china if we ever have guests over for a meal.
    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeJul 4th 2018
     
    Back to the cars.....frustrated....and no one to tell so am here to purge..

    We are at that place where Jim can still do a lot of things.......some right....some wrong...have a car that's been in storage.... it's out......couple of the neighbors helped put it in garage.....it had somehow split a t valve......now I'd never heard of a t valve...but learnt it's a little white plastic looking thing shaped like a t....lol...I went to auto zone and picked one up to match it..for five bucks......

    So, Jim put it on....I think it's an air pressure like thing...vacuum or something.. but truth is I don't know...I don't want to know about cars!!!!... anyway...he knows the car can't be started till new fluids are put in...and I've got the keys stashed so that's not going to happen.......Back to this little t thing....my son stopped over yesterday and Jim asked him to run him to the parts place to pick up some hose clamps to put on this t thing....son said it doesn't need clamps and in fact he thinks clamps will cause it to fail.....thereby messing up the car.....but, he's not sure....and I've no-one to ask.....I hate being ignorant of things....yet I don't want to have to know things......to clamp or not to clamp...that is the question...i googled it.....some need clamps, some don't...and no place could I find the difference...it's not so me check about the clamp......its just one more little tiny simple thing that can have big consequences.....and I can't figure out....

    And the extra stress part....well since they put the Porsche in the garage he's got so much junk piled there that there was no room for my Subaru....4 hours after putting it in a storm came.....it beat my car to pieces...actually left a hole in the back hatch...the hail was bigger than golf balls.....1st time in 50 years we've had that...so I'm dealing with insurance.....sad face.....

    And that pile of junk in the garage.....OMG....I actually walked through the garage yesterday....for the 1st time in years.....wish I hadn't.....sad face...again....

    Lost 5 windows on the house...luckily 2 were storms.....Jim being ever so helpful decided to nail a board over one.....and he made sure there were lots of nails to hold it...so now in addition to the broken glass I've got nail holes to figure out what to do with...taped plastic over the other windows and will replace them after the 4th....

    In the midst of this...Jim decided to do something he's never done.....I've always said he never repeats ...well.....he had an entire conversation with my son and son in law and then had it again....SIL just winked and reanswered all the same questions...and here came that kick in the gut of reality..........

    And for whatever reason he has started talking nonstop..my son came Sunday to help me clean the patio and toss up some decorations for the 4th and after a few hours said he couldn't stand it....he never stops talking.....yesterday we went for a hike and he talked the entire time....at first I thought it was like we had a tour guide but he never paused.....

    On the good side, he's not been angry....but changes they are a happening........sad face.....
    •  
      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeJul 4th 2018
     
    wow - reminds me of the hail storm we encountered in 2006 when in Exeter,NH. They were big with spikes on them. Did a lot of damage to RVs, but the whole town. One auto dealer of expensive cars had a 'hail' sale. The cars were so damaged with dents everywhere - too expensive to fix. Our MH was damaged but fortunately I was in another town shopping so our car escaped. But way too many cars drove around covered in 'pox' dents.

    I hope insurance will cover all the damage. Don't worry about all the nail holes - they can be filled. As for the car, since he will not be driving it, let him put clamps on it just make a note for the future buyer that he did that before he drives it away.
    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTimeJul 4th 2018
     
    Hi, I late to this discussion but am responding to Elizabeth's comment about memories. It took us a lot of years to be able to buy fine things, that don't have the same meaning to our kids. For me, as well as loving the beautiful things, they will often bring back a special memory. But why I wanted to respond was...when we began thinking about the time we wouldn't be around, we talked to all the kids and grandkids about something they might like to have. Our oldest grandson asked for the formal dining table that sat 12. Seemed strange since it was years older than he was but he said because some of the happiest memories of his life were at meals around that table. So it went into the will. He died last spring from pancreatic cancer at 36. It was unexpected and went very fast, we were just able to get out there to have a day with him.

    We've been using a small round table from our old breakfast room, since it's just two of us. But recently we moved the big formal table in here, because every time I use it I remember Michael's comment, which brings back a flood of memories from over the years. It's easy to forget so many of our family memories, but the table is like having snapshots of happy occasions.
    • CommentAuthorbqd*
    • CommentTimeJul 5th 2018
     
    What a nice memory, Oakridge!
    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTimeJul 6th 2018
     
    This might not be the right thread to post this, but I only have a minute. Regarding last wishes -- I read this week there is a company here in town which will take the loved ones ashes and pack them into a large firecracker and they will be shot into the sky with a beautiful display and the ashes will be scattered to the winds. I guess this is already being done in other states but first time I'd heard of it. The first one was to be held on July 4th. Not sure how I feel about it but certainly is interesting, LOL.

    We had decided on cremation - but lately DH has changed his mind, wants to be buried. Not sure what it is. We have so little family left, our kids and grandkids are scattered, only a few old friends left so see no need for an expensive funeral. I've told the one who will be in charge that whoever goes first decides what they want, then do the same for the other. Will mean changing some documents. Minutes up, LOL, back to the slave labor in the record heat and humidity. Oh, DH has taken to looking over my shoulder whenever I'm on the computer, and answering my phone, reading texts etc. I have everything fingerprint protected but want to be careful, so only check in now and then and read through what I can.
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeJul 6th 2018
     
    I was remembering going to the park or sitting on our boat to watch the fireworks and bits would come to earth sometimes burning a bit of grass. Would be kind if kreepy to think those bits were someone's ashes.

    When writing our estate plan I always struggle with what to do with the ashes. It just seems kreepy no matter what. But we are both vets and can put them at the national cemetary. I wasn't going to bother doing that because who would bother to go see that place? No one, that's who. So I guess just spreading them in the garden. I read somewhere you have to have a permit to scatter them. For crying out loud. I guess I'll figure it out someday. For me - well who cares? I'll be dead!

    My good friend, who I carpooled with for years, told me his wife had alzheimers around the time Jim's became problematc. I thought it would be great to compare notes since Dave and I had so much in common and knew each other so well. But his wife watched him at the computer like a hawk so I was forbidden to mention it since she had become mean and abusive at that time. Ah well. Then he died shortly thereafter! I still can't get over the idea that he is not here any more.
    •  
      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeJul 6th 2018
     
    I know Willamette National Cemetery in Portland has a rose garden where people can spread their loved ones ashes. Thought that was a great idea and others probably have one too. A friend whose wife died last year ashes are at the Tahoma National Cemetery. They have a nice spot in the Columbarium. The door has the information you would find on a headstone. I don't know if they have a rose garden there.

    We have settled on cremation too. My husband never talks about - has always gone with what I want. The only thing he has said is he want to be buried in the cemetery in Wilmington, MA where his parents are. Not sure if I will honor that or not since it is 3200 miles away. They do have a veterans area there but some cemeteries will allow one urn of ashes to be buried on top of a grave, so may see about that - have put with his parents. I don't know - will deal with that after he dies and his cremated. Me - I want to be scattered in the Three Sisters Wilderness Area but doubt that will happen.
    • CommentAuthorbqd*
    • CommentTimeJul 6th 2018
     
    My DH was cremated yesterday. It was his wish and it is also mine when the time comes.
    Now with respect to his ashes, the family has decided to take them to the lake where my DH spent many happy summers as a child and teenager. My plan is to buy a toy boat, put the ashes in the boat, and send it for a sail towards sunset. Even the funeral home I am dealing with thinks this is a wonderful idea and no permits required!
    My DD has said she wants her ashes put in the bottom of a pot and have a cherry tree planted in the pot - new life coming from old.
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeJul 6th 2018
     
    Those are both wonderful ideas bqd. I may just make use if that cherry tree idea. Gotta tell my friend, Patty, about that too.
    •  
      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeJul 6th 2018
     
    I have seen many ads about planting trees in ashes. Here is one of many sites now promoting it: https://www.thelivingurn.com/
    I do like the boat idea. At one time being former Navy, my husband talked about burial at sea. His family is very much into having a grave to visit, so eventually may take him back east - he has to die first though.

    You can always split the ashes if it doesn't bother you. My friend who lost his wife last year to ovarian cancer has the bulk of her ashes at the cemetery but he kept some out to spread at some of their favorite places. Others will buy those necklaces specially made and put a few ashes in each for family members.
    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTimeJul 6th 2018
     
    These are some good ideas! Here in MO there are no laws governing where you can spread ashes - unless they've done something recently. I like the idea of being planted with a new tree and bqd, what a neat idea for the boat, a type of viking funeral:) The kids have said they'll do whatever we want, the ocean where we spent so much time, the areas where we took the boys hunting as kids etc. I used to worry about it but now, I don't have any preference...the horse pasture has always been a favorite place for me, LOL.

    My sisters kids had her ashes divided, and each one has a small urn that is a replica of the large one.

    While I was still in grammar school we moved away from the family hometown, as did one of my Mother's sisters and her family. Although we would all go back for Christmas we lived too far away for much visitation. When my husband and I first moved back here there was a small cemetery at the end of the road just before the river, well over 100 years old, but still being used by the families. I used to go down there and walk through the old section where you would see a row of tiny stones with just Baby xxx with the year etched in. Sometimes there would be several, year after year. I envied the people who would gather to plant flowers, clean up etc but their families are the ones who stayed in one town for generations. My Dad was one who always wanted to see what was on the other side of the mountain, and I inherited that gene I guess :) Home is always where we are together.
    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeJul 6th 2018
     
    Bqd. I love the idea of the boat. There was a movie called "Rocket Gibraltar" (1988) with Burt Lancaster...and then a more recent "What we did on our holiday" (2015) with pretty much the same core story line...anyway the grandkids give Burt Lancaster a Viking burial by sending him out in a boat at sunset, and shooting a flaming arrow at it...."no worms"...as the kids in the movie said....

    I loved Lancaster's description of a Viking funeral....and recommend the movie ....When we lost our granddaughter a few years back I asked our daughter and her husband what they wanted and at 1st they said they wanted her buried..then they looked at each other and he said," I forgot,.... no worms"...so she was cremated..... they put her ashes in a very small urn and his Dad took a 6" ABC Block from hobby lobby and stained it and we put the urn in it and buried it.....

    We've had lots of things done with ashes here....made into glass sculptures, incorporated into paintings, put in a creek to flow out, sprinkled in the forest, buried etc...my SIL keeps her son's ashes that weren't made into sculptures on her nightstand... my son has a small vial that could be worn around your neck, of a close friend...(he doesn't wear them)...

    For us, when we got the granddaughters plot to bury her ashes we also bought the ones beside it. We will both be cremated and our ashes put there.....

    My Step FIL didn't believe in cremation so he was buried, and when Mom passed we had her cremated and the ashes put on top of him..

    Oakridge, I'm conflicted about the fireworks idea... it could be a beautiful thing.....not for me..but I could see where a firework flashing beautifully and burning out to just be gone could be very symbolic....

    This entire expense of funerals is in my opinion utterly ridiculous....Mom passed in 2016 and her funeral like Dads was $7500...it was nothing special, they were simple people, but they didn't believe in cremation so they were buried.....

    When granddaughter passed she was cremated for free because she was a child, and we took care of everything else ourselves...aside from the plot there were no charges involved...the only hard thing was the digging of the grave....we didn't know.....the ground was frozen and it took 4 men around 5 hours to get a small 12" hole dug..(we now know they preheat the ground in the winter)..then we realized right before we gathered that we hadn't planned on how to get the box lowered....we got twine and took care of it.........my heart swelled when we arrived at the cemetery and the boys had spread fresh snow to cover the mess they had made getting that hole dug in subzero weather..it was a true act of love for their sister...

    I haven't heard of ashes being in trees or plants but then it's hard to have things live and grow here....

    Guess I've rambled on again.... evenings get lonely sometimes.......
    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTimeJul 6th 2018
     
    Sedgly, my Mother lived 11 years after my Father died, and she had AD all that time...but while she could still talk she would say evenings were the hardest. She could keep busy during the day, but they had never spent a night apart till he went into the hospital so she just didn't know what to do with herself.

    I think this is a good place to just talk, as well as commiserate over our situations. It's good for all of us to know it's not all bad.
    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeJul 6th 2018
     
    Yes, Oakridge, staying busy helps pass the time...and occupies my brain so I don't think of things....evenings....nights, not so much.....
    I had a don't give a rat's ass moment last week and got up around 10:30 and went for a drive......Jim slept through...I came home around 1 and cleaned the silverware drawer lol........just to occupy my brain till it was tired enough to sleep....

    You mention MO, I'm assuming that's Missouri and not something else... I was born and raised in a small town about an hour south of St. Louis....beautiful country..
    •  
      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeJul 6th 2018
     
    My aunt was not embalmed but buried the next day in a cheap pine box. The worms will get to her. It was funny cause the graveside service she was in this nice casket with the material covering the cheap pine box. We stood around talking and the cemetery workers were just standing there. We asked if there was a problem. They explained they were waiting for us to leave cause they didn't want us to think they were stealing the expensive casket. Told not to worry we knew our aunt's wishes (although I didn't know she was being buried in a pine box), so they lifted her pine casket out of the expensive one, and buried her. Normally they do not like people to see them do this.

    When my in-laws were buried they were embalmed, had a very expensive funeral all for show, then put in expensive padded caskets that were interred in concrete boxes. Most cemeteries will require that now. After 17 and 8 years they are probably close to the same condition as when buried if embalmed properly. I was watching a reality show when they exhumed a body that had been buried 10 years. With the exception of a few black spots the body was perfectly preserved. Now why would I want to be buried like that? If buried I would do like my aunt so my body would decay.

    Cremate me and scatter me.
    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTimeJul 22nd 2018
     
    Been awhile since I posted and looks like everyone is quite too, maybe just too hot to think. This has been a strange week for us. For a few days last week things seemed almost normal - as normal as it is with AD. Sooo hot that I would try and get out early to take care of the horses and water, just about given up on the garden, the heat has been brutal. DH spent the mornings pulling weeds and mowing, seems he is more content pulling weeds than I've seen him in a long time. I'd say why don't you use the weed Eater? But he liked to pull them by hand. But all good things come to an end and the last couple of days the guy who seems to hate me is back. Nothing pleases him, he doesn't want to do anything, had a fight today - just same type of stuff, he forgets then blames me and gets furious if I disagree with him. Once more he seems to have dropped into a hole, and someone else is in his chair. This has happened before, it's not that he' s worse, but it was so nice to have those days last week, that this feels bad. He's out now doing the hand watering. I was up and working for 3 hours before he even got up, but hadn't got to the pots out front that have to be hand watered. He said oh, that's ok, I'll do it later. But, of course he forgot, and when I said something a bit ago, he got angry...let me know what kind of person he thought I was. But when I got out of the shower he was outside.

    So, I've mentioned my youngest sister died suddenly, and fairly young. She had lived to have grandchildren and had three small ones, so even though I don't see them a lot I try to be "gramma". The oldest is now 13 and has been wanting to come for a visit for several years, he's in CA so it's a long flight. But his parents got everything arranged, I was getting a room ready for him, and telling him the things we could do while he was here. But yesterday DH has decided he doesn't want to be bothered, says he doesn't want to do anything and generally being a horses butt. I hope I can jolly him up a little before the weekend since I don't want to spoil Anthony's visit. Not the first time he's played this game but I don't want a little boy hurt so he'll either come around or Anthony and I will spend a lot of time sightseeing etc. not many in the family know of his illness nor how much he has changed and 13 is too young anyway.

    Probably should have posted under - feeling sorry for myself:) I don't know why he was so good last week, then reverted back. Of course I know it's the disease but wish I knew how to have more of the good days.
    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeJul 23rd 2018
     
    Hope you and the "grandson" have a wonderful visit. Those times are so special.

    We too have been having fair days. Had friends come and visit over the weekend. They came mostly to visit Jim. It worked out well. They visited and I was able to take the time and get one of the busted windows out. Have a second one in shop getting new glass...thought I only had three to go but went around back of shop where Jim had checked and told me all was good and found three more broken ones.so 6 more...

    Jim isn't hating me lately....he just appears to be feelingless (is that even a word lol)....

    He told the guys how he's going to run the circuit this year....and while they were here a newer guy stopped over and offered to trailer his car for him....they came to tell me his plans so I could stop it..... part of me wants to just sit back and let it play out.....he is conniving enough to say when they asked for his license he was going to say he forgot it in his other pants.......it'll give him another reason to hate me..sigh...

    I've had a few down days myself,..can't seem to handle stress...the storm damage pushed it over with more on my plate than I want....took some time off and went and took a few pictures of the new babies... last year we had 8 sets of twin fawns..this year only one..the rest are all singles...the turkeys have hatched and looks like one has 14 ..the others I couldn't get a count on...there are Canadian geese that are still here.. usually they keep going north but this year they stayed... not sure how many babies there are but would guess around 7......a guy a bit west of us picked up some shots of black bear on his game camera... they aren't around here too often...

    Got a full day today, meeting BIL for breakfast then heading to glass shop.. then need to rebuild a storm window, from scratch... not happy about it...wanted to get family room carpets shampooed but betting the window won't be finished today.... and somewhere in there I need to cut the grass....it's after 6 so guess I better get up and get started....

    Hope everyone has a good day...
    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTimeJul 23rd 2018
     
    Gosh Sedgly, you sound like you have more energy than I do. We are dealing with a window too, dh keeps putting it off and loses his temper when I suggest we just hire someone. Its not something he or I can do since the entire wooden frame needs to be removed and repaired or a new one put in. It's not a standard size so that makes it worse. I might not mind so much if he'd just leave me alone and let me get things done, but it's always a fight so I stop. He's now on a kick that I'm spending us into the poor house because I keep wanting more and more done. There are a few things that have to be done before winter - but most of it we have the supplies but someone has to do it. There are a few things that he could do, and a lot I can do, but It's like he stopped at a point in his mind and can't see past that. He refuses to let someone come do them because he's going to do it -- "when he is ready". I often wonder if he's forgotten he ever knew how or is at a point he really doesn't see things as a problem. Cracks sealed, the rest of the insulation put up -- not terribly hard, just have to be done. The handyman is $1000 a week - but he doesn't work 8 hrs a day so I hate to spend that money for things I can do.

    Guess this is my day to gripe, LOL. I've mentioned how dry it is here now, so animals are coming down to the creek. A large doe yesterday morning, kept the dog quiet and she just stood there. There have been two sightings of black bears not far from us. One guy walked out in the morning to go to work and there was one in his front yard, so he got video. There was deer or another animal at the creek when I let the dog out this morning so called him back in. There isn't much water in the creek now, the only place is where we have natural springs - so want them to be able to get to it. Dog is good at keeping coyotes out of our yard, but I don't want his chasing other wildlife.
    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeJul 24th 2018
     
    I wrote a post this morning about how I didn't get stuff done yesterday because he wouldn't get in the car today unfortunately has not been any better. We went to the cafe and he began swearing and screaming at me at the table telling me I should just leave and get the hell out.... so since other customers were staring at us I just smiled and said okay.... there is no arguing with him so I left and went and sat in the car eventually he came out and got in and I drove him home
    And then I left... Drove over to my daughter's an hour away she wasn't home thought about going shopping but don't need anything I'm actually sitting in a parking lot right now talking to my phone... I'm frustrated I'm stressed I did text my youngest son who appeared sometime during the night was asleep in my family room and told him hey before you leave check on your dad I'm sure he's in the shop doing whatever he does there... I'm not sure what the answer is for this but it can't continue to go on... wine over... Hope everyone else is having a good day
    •  
      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeJul 24th 2018
     
    What medications, if any, is he on? Does his doctor seem to care about his negative and sometimes dangerous behavior?
    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeJul 24th 2018
     
    Best laid plans............yesterday he decided he didn't want to get in the car.....so the 1st window is still in glass shop waiting and the lumber wasn't picked up to rebuild the 2nd.....sigh....your window that needs redoing sounds like mine. :) it's 71" tall and all wood frame....2panes..... I got it out yesterday....hasn't been out for well over 30 years.... and got all the glass out of it....I'm going to replace it with one made I guess of red cedar...I'm hoping it will be as some as it so....basically I'm going to screw the boards together, router an edge for the glass bed, prefit it , and take it in and have the glass put in....

    For the first time in a while, we are not dry...almost feels like the monsoon season with rain building every day...we don't usually have black bear here.. besides rattle snakes the only wildlife to be weary of here are mountain lions...first time I saw one I was very impressed....

    Deer are plentiful and people friendly... just not real happy with them always messing in my yard....gotta get going.....
    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeJul 24th 2018
     
    Not sure why the posts are ordered as they are...

    He is on diltiazem for afib, that is all...his doctor sees him once a year...you may recall they had offered a psych referral but alas I procrastinated when things improved.....

    It's almost 5 here... I have returned home... haven't seen him and have no idea if he is here or not....

    You know what it is....is I'm lost.....I mean who I am is lost....it's not just him....it's my reaction or lack of reaction to him...whoever he is....

    when his flip switched out of no where this morning....we were talking with his brother...nothing odd was said or done or anything....he just flipped...and I felt liked I'd been kicked in the gut....what bothered me the least was the other customers who looked over when he raised his voice as though they were going to see something....I recall having the thought that they have no idea....and I calmly smiled..........no show here....

    I wandered today, with no place to go..... I called 2 girlfriends two daughters, two sons.... everyone was busy..... and I rather felt as if I've lost my connection to the world.... my place of belonging....my place of self.......I spent time crying in 3 different parking lots....forced myself to go in 3 different stores to look for something I didn't need....

    I shut off my cell.....thought of walking into the woods and not coming back....thought of swallowing all the pills I had....they said when my SIL s sister did that that she was gone as soon as they hit her system..... peaceful rest.......

    I went to lunch.....feeling pretty down.....and just as I finished my food BIL came walking in....we talked for four hours...........he told me what others have...Jim is his brother,..he loves him but I should think about putting him some place.......... I just can't see what they see.......

    I can see he isn't who he was....I can see he's frustrated.....I'm the one who's here when he cries out in his sleep..............I can see he wears dirty clothes.... I can see his beard is all grown out and unruly and he won't let me trim it.....I can see his toenails once again wrap around the end of his toes....I can see his brain isn't working right.........

    I'm mostly lost because he's lost.....we're lost.....sadly I don't think "we" will ever be found.....it's not fair...it's not right or just.....it just is.....

    And I guess with out "us" I'm not sure where I fit it this world....I haven't tried to fit on my own.... ever....

    I don't fit a lot of places....don't really fit here....I'm trying hard to figure out what's left.....in a way this all seems surreal...part of me wants to close up the house, leave the phone shut off, draw the shades and never go out....not sure what I would do....I don't watch tv....don't read....don't listen to music.....i just do what has to be done.....and if I could stay locked in my room that would all cease..

    I've rambled on..guess I will try and sleep.......
    •  
      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeJul 24th 2018
     
    You do belong here because you can write what you just did and most of us have been there or are there. I have had the same thoughts of ending it but mine has been off and on most of my life. I mostly stay shut in the MH with the TV going and on my computer. I will switch back and forth between websites looking for new post, something to read from others.

    Where do we fit in this world? Most of us are still trying to figure that out which is hard to do when your spouse is still alive, when they still depend on you. Until they die, we can only take it day by day and not thinking about the future, or we can dream of what we would like in the future. I do both and that keeps me going.

    Glad to ran into someone to talk to - nice to have someone that can carry on a conversation or answer back.
    • CommentAuthorlindyloo*
    • CommentTimeJul 24th 2018
     
    Sedgly, Do you accept hugs? If you do may I reach out now virtually and hug you? You are important. You are a good person. What life is slamming you with at this point is totally unfair and unbearable. I am praying that the loving people on this site will also surround you with thoughts and prayers. You do belong on this website because you are surrounded here with people who “get it”. Vent, rage, cry. all you want. It is safe to do that here.

    Then, as you have the strength, go with your husband to the doctor’s office. Call the doctor’s office, or the neurologist, first with a heads up of what the problems are. Go with your husband into the office and level with the doctor what is going on. There is medicine that can help him….. It sometimes takes a while to find the right medicine that will work for him. If this doctor does not listen to you, find another doctor. Sometimes medications get a bad rap. In many cases they can be way preferable to the psychic pain that causes violence or rages.

    Then, if you feel comfortable doing this, go to your own physician and explain that you may need medicines for your depression (situational depression) that has started because of your husband’s dementia. Medicine can help take the edge off of the pain you too are experiencing.

    Third, if you need help caring for your husband, know that there are options for home care and daycare that may be available to help you. I know that you have in the past ruled this out, but you may wish to reconsider. Also, nursing homes can provide the care you are no longer able to assist your husband with: toenails, shaving, cleaning, etc. I worked most of my life in nursing homes. For many people having the hard hard work of personal caregiving off their shoulders allows the reestablishment of a gentle loving relationship.

    (((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))
    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTimeJul 25th 2018
     
    Oh Sedgly, my heart breaks for you. I know that feeling of losing yourself and it's hard to find a path back. It won't unless something changes. Is he getting worse? Staying at the same level? My husband takes aricept, and was taking an anti depressant. But last month she switched him to a new one, Zoloft. I saw a difference right away, he was calmer. The bouts of anger are less....explosive.? I know they can give a large enough dose that will keep him at a certain level of ....not sure of the right words. Not really drug him but enough so his brain maybe slows down his actions?

    Is there a specific reason you don't place him somewhere? Money, distance, guilt? Is it admitting you can't handle it? Have you talked to anyone at an alf? I don't know the answers but it sounds like you need a break from the constant stress, otherwise it will destroy you. I can't tell you how to do it, but suggest you try and find a few hours for yourself on a regular basis. Even if you sit in a parking lot, take a book :) it's not important what you do but that it be your own choice. If he can be left alone, do you have any friends you could meet for lunch, just to see and talk to someone else about the weather or anything but AD. I know it's not easy to make decisions like this but everything I've read and been told is you have to take care of yourself as well as the other person. It does sound if you've learned how to handle it....just smiling in the restaurant, going outside and leaving him alone for a short period. Now you need to think and talk to someone about your own stress/depression/ just plain tired of living like this.keep in touch, you do have a place here to let all the feelings out. Sometimes what I need is just a place to scream and cry without people thinking I need to be placed :)
    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeJul 25th 2018
     
    Just wanted to say thanks for the responses... I need a few days then I will respond more fully....I didn't sleep till 4:30 this morning..... processing.....
    • CommentAuthormyrtle*
    • CommentTimeJul 26th 2018
     
    Hi Sedgly, In my experience, taking care of an active Alzheimer's patent is a full-time job, even if they do not have behavior problems. So I'm not surprised you're having problems finishing the jobs around the house (which sound quite labor intensive). I also understand why you feel so hopeless. There is good reason for that and many of us have been there. Is there anything you can do right now to give yourself some respite from this stress? You seem to be at the end of your rope and badly in need of a break.

    Also, knowing there will be some relief in the future might give you some hope right now. Do you have a plan on how to deal with the situation as your husband's illness progresses? Will you be trying to get him into day care a few days a week?. Will you be admitting him to long-term care or will you be taking care of him at home? If the latter is your plan, how much and what kind of on-site help of help would you have?