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    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeMar 17th 2018
     
    Hi all, I went to the new members introduction page and posted, someone there suggested I start a new discussion....

    Wasn't sure what to write about so thought about what bothers me the most.....and I guess it's that he hates me.

    If you've got time and inclination to read a bit grab a drink and a chair, I tend to ramble when at a keyboard..sorry..here's the highlights of our journey...

    Jim is 67, I am 59...we've been together 40 years. 5 years ago he was diagnosed with EOAD and forced to stop working.

    When he was diagnosed his neuropsych had a hard time categorizing him between EOAD and fronto temperal....

    His short term memory is pretty good... he forgets other things...Ex..we met our daughter for lunch and he had no idea who she was or her name....but...can tear down a carburetor and rebuild it flawlessly...

    I have given up the battle to get him to change clothes..and no, I can't take them at night....He changes his clothes once every week or two...

    He hates me....He calls me the warden and says it's my fault he has Alzheimer's...says I have to be in charge of everything...and it's true I do....but not by choice.

    I was trying bribes to get him to do stuff but it didn't work...I have threatened him twice with surprisingly good out comes...the first time was when driving he saw something he wanted and threw off his seat belt and opened the door.. I grabbed him and hit the breaks simultaneously...and explained he had to tell me and wait for the car to stop....a few days later I turned onto our street 3 blocks from home and again seat belt off, door opened, grabbing, braking...He thought it was time to get out....so I threatened him if it happened again he had to ride in the back seat with the child safety locks on...that was months ago..He will not get in or out of the car unless I do it first...

    The 2nd thing was more recent...He decided to begin calling me names...vulgar names....in all the years we've been together this has never happened....after a few weeks of it I got desperate...(there's nothing like having people stare at you while shopping when he does this....there is no appropriate way to react).so one day he called me bitch and I took the remote to the only tv he knows how to operate and hid it. (In my bra) and told him if he called names he couldn't have it..He searched for it..didn't find it..and finally agreed if he could have the remote he would not call names.....His Dr says he can't help it...His filter is broken etc etc......it's been a month and I have not been called anything....so I count that as a win....

    The most heartbreaking, brutal thing that has happened to him was the loss of driving privileges....He has not driven for over a year...but still holds a current license....

    I'm not sure where this journey will take us...if he were my parent or sibling it would be different..i would feel a blood bond to take care of them. He is not,... He is supposed to be my husband....and any husband who treats a spouse the way he does should probably be divorced.....

    He use to be himself most of the time, ...He would have times of being upset but he could usually be distracted out of it....the bad times use to be just an hour or so....then got to be a day or two, I can remember having our son come over to visit with him to help get him back....now he is gone almost continually...for the first time in months he was here a week ago Wednesday for about five hours..it was wonderful.....then he was gone....it's brutal to live with.. like having your heart ripped out over and over.

    The VA offered daycare,or someone to come to our home...He adamantly refuses both..and can't be tricked into it..... his social worker last week advised me it is considered adult abuse to leave a person with Alzheimer's home alone and there could be legal ramifications......I told her I have an excellent attorney and not to call here anymore...the thing is... I don't leave him alone... ever....wherever I go he goes....I haven't been apart from him for months......the kids don't like him or don't want to see him......the friends we had,..have for the most part vanished...so basically I'm going it alone....

    Just picked up cameras to install so I can check on him with out actually going in the room...hoping when the weather finally breaks..(another foot of snow last night with more coming tomorrow) I can get out and work in my flower garden and check on him through my cell...

    I miss so much....i need someone to share my life with....someone to love who can love me back....someone to have fun with...to live with..

    The day begins....
    Sedge
    •  
      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeMar 17th 2018
     
    Yes, this becomes a lonely, horrible time for us. (((hugs))) Many of us are left alone - abandoned by family and friends.

    First, if the doctor says there is nothing they can do about his behavior, ask for another one. I now with the VA that can be hard especially if you live where what they have to offer is limited. My husband has only a choice of one of two PA. His neurologist is 250 miles away - VA doesn't have a closer one. Thankfully he doesn't have the behavior problems yours does which is probably part of the FTD. There are others here whose spouse has FTD that will able to identify with the nightmare behavior you are going through.

    You definitely need to take care of yourself but we all know that is usually easier said than done. At 65 my body is letting me down. I believe it is all the stress from the last 10 years.

    Is that the VA social worker? I have not had that said to me by anyone. If that is true, then they could be arresting almost every caregiver here because I will guarantee we have all left our spouse alone when they were able to be left alone. If she threatens it again I would be tempted to say - OK you force him to go to day care then!
  1.  
    Welcome, Sedgly, to the Merry Band here in Happy Hollow. I'm wondering if the VA can send someone to your home, if your husband can gradually be edged into accepting this service. I think others here have done this by using white lies until the worker can establish some rapport with your husband. Like maybe, she isn't here for him, she is here to help you...or something like that. Then you leave the house and go do something you want to do, and let the worker deal with your husband. Maybe she can go through the motions of doing some cleaning or something like that, while she is actually keeping an eye on him. You are going to have to get a break, especially with his behaviors being what they are. Most of us have experienced the disappearance of family and friends. It does seem to go with the territory, unfortunately. You didn't mention finances, advance directives, or any of that...but you did say you have a good attorney. So I hope you have control of the money and the property, and can get your husband's name off of things...keep him out of the computer business things, if he is computer-literate. You will get a lot of support and common-sense advice on this forum. I know others will be along.
    • CommentAuthorNicky
    • CommentTimeMar 17th 2018
     
    I'm sorry to hear about your problem Sedgly. I agree with Elizabeth about little white lies to get the worker into the house. My husband belonged to a drug trial & use to go to the Memory Clinic, every 4 - 6 weeks. So, when I got a worker from the Alzheimer Society to come to the house, I told him she was part of the program from the Memory Clinic - the worker told him the same thing. He wasn't happy, but since it came from the Memory Clinic, he probably felt he had no choice. And he couldn't be mad at me, since he thought it was a request from the clinic. At least I got a bit of respite & you certainly need that.
    • CommentAuthorNicky
    • CommentTimeMar 17th 2018
     
    Sedgly, forgot to mention. When I went out & left him with the worker, I told him I had a doctor's app't. This way he knew I had to go out. Any other reason would not have been accepted by him. A few times he got upset & told me that I was always going to the doctor. I told him I belonged to a menopause group set up by the doctor & had to attend or else I'd be kicked out... He believed me.
    • CommentAuthorbhv
    • CommentTimeMar 17th 2018
     
    Hi Sedgly, Glad you found us. We don't mind sitting back and reading what you have to say. I find that even though I just want to vent about a particularly trying day someone will come up with sometimes a simple, but brilliant thought. Sometimes complaining pays dividends here. But at the very least this is a group who GET IT.

    Your hb's behavior is interesting, to say the least. It is interesting that your bribes work. My hb doesn't have short term memory,but sometimes after I got mad about something several times he seems to have learned.

    Notice I talk about my husband (hb). I do not use Dear Husband (DH) because since he now thinks it is ok to curse at me and threaten me and once even landed two punches, there is not one dear thing about this situation. I am 63, he is 74. We've been married 35 years. He is retired Air Force and Viet Nam service qualified him for VA health care. We have a co payment. I have an appointment with them in two weeks. In Dec they said the in home services and day care programs were frozen, but that was when they were talking about shutting down the government. He doesn't have service connected disability. But now with the Alzheimers I am wondering if their geriatric services might be better for us.

    I am sorry I don't have much to tell you. I recently got a motion activated sensor for the bathroom. I made myself a little back pack to carry cell phone, home phone and monitor when I go work out in the field. If the monitor indicates he is spending too long in the bathroom I run inside to try to limit the mess. Frequently he will watch western shows or something else and I can go work for awhile. The he will get lonely and come find me and "help". That generally means undoing what I have done or putting my tools away even though I am still using them. If I complain he curses me out and goes back inside to pout.

    Last summer I went to an adult day care place but didn't think he would tolerate that. Recently his personality has changed and I just signed all the paperwork. He will start there on Tuesday, for three days a week. I am so stressed out worrying that this is not going to work it is ridiculous. I think he will tolerate it now. I was going to have in home care, but decided to try this first because lately he seems to be bored and pacing and shadowing me. So being around different people may be a good thing. I am not warning him. I did take him there two weeks ago when I went to a support group and he stayed on the day care side. It was weird cause they had a window and he could see me there. He either paced back and forth or sat watching me through the window. I don't know what will happen, but I am just going to tell him we are going to try something new and go there on Tuesday and see what happens. They say their bus should be able to pick him up on Wed morning and take him home. That will be another adventure. I have no idea how he will react to the bus. The social workers say it is worth a try.

    I have a lot of questions about legal issues like the person telling you you could be charged with abuse for leaving him alone. I took him for a ride this morning because he was driving me crazy in the house. Then I got so annoyed on the ride that I was sorely tempted to just leave him on the side of the road somewhere. Wondering what would happen if Idid that kept my brain entertained for awhile. But what about his physical and emotional abuse of me? Some say I should place him, but he is physically healthy. What if he lives for twenty more years? And what if he is abusive at the memory care place? Someone here had to hire one on one care to prevent his wife from abusing the other people. Hugely expensive. So for now, I try to keep my tone of voice positive or matter of fact. I have a safe room where I can lock myself in. I have friends houses I can go to. One night I turned off what I was cooking because he woukdnt leave the kitchen and I was afraid to have my back to him. I drove around the neighborhood and then parked my car and read a book for awhile. Next time I will park so I can watch my house.

    Enough for now.
    • CommentAuthorpaulc
    • CommentTimeMar 18th 2018 edited
     
    Yes, if you leave someone home alone with a significant cognitive impairment you can be charged with abuse. Legally it is like leaving a 7 old year alone. Chances are that this will not be an issue unless something happens, but sometimes neighbors may report to the police if they suspect something is amiss. There are cases in the news where adults are terribly mistreated (e.g. locked in a room all day with no access to bathroom). No one here is doing this but it is an issue.

    But what to do when they will not accept an aide. It took a plea bargain with my wife where she was ordered by the court to have a companion. Once that happened she accepted it (though we went through a few companions) and I didn’t have to argue with her about having someone with her.
    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeMar 20th 2018
     
    Charlotte: I do like his VA doctor. Not sure what they could recommend for his behavior. Is there something besides drugs to help with it? Yes, SW is through the VA... I have spoken with her many times on the phone but haven't met her...don't care for her or her attitude...kind of like her mission is to look out for Jim and I am irrelevant... We are lucky in that the VA is within an hour and has all the drs he needs, he has geripysch, neurologist, MD, etc.

    I do believe the stress from this is brutal.. i use to enjoy have 5-6 balls in the air...after they told him last year he could no longer drive I ended up in hospital with graves disease, spending 10 days on the cardiac ward... when they told me it was usually precipitated by a stress I knew exactly what the stress was...thankfully I am a very healthy person and am almost back to 100%.. but I did learn, stress is not my friend...

    Elizabeth: it's been a year since his MD referred a SW. she offered daycare or someone to come in..Jim is very highly functional.. and I did talk with the daycare, they advised they would pick him up and drop him off..but when they began talking about the crafts they had for their patients to do, I knew it wasn't for Jim...he's not there yet..
    As to legalities, yes, we have most all of the planning in place, (poas, heathcare directives, wills, etc)though I now want to change some of it.. the attorney is left over from when we had money...unfortunately I didn't realize how bad financial problems were with Jim until he had emptied most all of our accounts.... almost everything we had was in joint accounts..i have no idea how I will fund his care when it comes to it......his name is still on all of the real estate we own... but he has no debit cards or charge cards and I don't think he could withdraw money even if he wanted to...he hasn't in 5-6 years.....I was making sure he had a hundred dollars in his pocket but it would vanish so I dropped it to 50..then to 20...now to a few ones...I keep hoping I will come across envelopes of cash...so far I have found receipts where he has given " friends" thousands of dollars but no cash....the missing money and empty accounts was one of the 1st things that drove us to the doctor, that was eight years ago that he was diagnosed with MCI... I need to do an attorney sit down to try and figure out how to protect myself... I just don't have the drive to do it...
    He can do nothing with a computer.

    Nicky: I will keep your advice for the future.

    Bhv: Jim was drafted in '70... he spent 2 years... we also do copays as he is rated 0%..I had not heard of anything being frozen, but there's no reason I would have. It has been just over a year since they offered help. His next appointment is the first week of April so I may check then and see what they say... sw also offered some type of group phone call type support but I wasn't interested.. Jim too will watch the b/w westerns, but I discovered another oddity with him...Netflix had an Iranian series on, it had some ridiculous 127 episodes per season...he watched them all... subtitled in English...he watched it and I thought WOW, he can read that..then next day I happened in while he was watching it and the subtitles were in French... he doesn't speak French...so I asked him about it and "he didn't need it in English to know what was going on...."he could tell"..which fits with a lot of his misperceptions in life, he can just tell so it must be so....

    Please write about how the daycare experience went, I would like to know...

    Paulc: yes, that is what the SW said. Adult abuse because he is considered incompetent...

    All: thanks for your responses. I have decided I will bite the bullet and hire a friend of ours to come for 2 hours... just once, to see how it goes...both with me and him...no idea what I will do but have a fantasy of simply driving away....to where I'm not sure..
  2.  
    Sedgly, you need to get his name off the real estate. He can't own anything. You aren't going to be able to (for example) sell the properties if he still is a legal owner--you need to be free to handle the estate and make the decisions.
    • CommentAuthorpaulc
    • CommentTimeMar 21st 2018
     
    I agree with getting his name off of real estate. Check with your local land office about what to do. You probably have to register your POA with the land office. I had to do that in order to simply get a new line of credit on our house (not using it, it is for emergencies). It was simple but I don't know what is involved in removing his name.

    You need a Medicaid Certified Eldercare Lawyer. This person will help guide you on preparing when he will need a nursing home and how to protect your remaining assets. I suspect you will have to sell your real estate (other than your home). However, if the real estate is generating income you may be able to keep it. But this is why you need a lawyer who is intimately knowledgeable with Medicaid in your state.

    With my wife her behavior is controlled by my medication and environment. Medication is a moving target, what works today may not work next year. My wife is in a memory care only ALF. It has taken time but her being in a very regulated environment helps a lot. But in the case of FTD it is a matter of time. We talk about the "rage stage" and it eventually passes. But life is heck until it does.
    • CommentAuthorbhv
    • CommentTimeMar 23rd 2018 edited
     
    Hi Sedgly,
    The first week of day care was pretty good. Very interesting. Hb won't participate in the artsy crafty activities, but there is another room with comfy chairs where he can just sit, or talk to some of the other men who don't participate either. He can sit with the social workers and they will talk with him. Sometimes they have movies in the afternoon. Yesterday they got him to play WII bowling.

    He tries to escape and paces in the afternoon. That is one reason I wanted this. On their advice I asked doctor for something to calm him. I got the prescription but I don't want to give it in the morning because he is calm and happy then. I think they should give it with lunch but they need yet another form from the doctor to let them do that or I need to be there at lunch. I am dropping him off and picking him up I am NOT going there at lunch time!

    For a number of reasons the bus didn't work out for now. There is a new director, new bus routes, bus broke down on first day, aggressive big guy on the bus already, yadayadayada. Will ask about it again after next week. We have a VA appointment on Wed with a new doctor.

    I thought he would fight about staying there, but he didn't. I thought he would refuse to go the second day but he seemed to be looking forward to it. I thought after he pushed the nurse around the first afternoon that either they would refuse to have him back or he would lash out at me for taking him there. They say he will adjust and are happy to have him continue. He didn't lash out at me. He said he had a good time!

    Today we are staying home and he seems to be calm so far. Last night he kept coming downstairs wanting me to go to bed with him. I refused. He kept coming down and going back up about 49 times in an hour. I decided it was good exercise for him. I finally relented and then he kept touching me. No no no. Finally he went to sleep.

    Glad someone can sleep in this house. I got up at 3 am and, probably cause of the storm, there was no internet! I am so frustrated this morning can hardly bear it but am trying to appear calm. I don't think I am going to get anything productive done today.
    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeMay 23rd 2018
     
    Wow, it's been over two months...

    Bhv how is daycare going? Has he settled in to it?

    I have accomplished nothing in the last two months....

    I took Jim for his yearly at the VA last week......

    I sent a five page letter ahead of time....Dr said he had received letter and didn't acknowledge it further except as he was leaving he said I may need a mental health referral.....otherwise it was blood is good, heart and lungs sound good...see you next year........a total waste of time.....

    He chose not to address the driving issues I wrote about.......for that matter he addressed nothing in the letter......... the children have banded together and will send a letter this week to the state asking them to revoke his license.....

    I think Jim is psychic...... I use to think he was just paranoid......he always said people were banding together and doing things in secret......and now the kids are.... yes, he must be psychic.......i have a few psychic predictions of my own....when the letter comes next week the tyrant will rage...he will blame me..... he may or may not hurt me..... I'm beyond caring....I just want it all over with...

    I think perhaps I am missing a gene or something.....

    I was very sad....and lonely.... mostly sad.....I'm not sad any more.... I was angry.....but I'm not angry any more...... I'm numb..... I feel nothing......I think I'm done......we're done......perhaps this is how acceptance happens........ I don't know.....

    My son crudely said Jim is gone, he's just a walking, talking meat suit........I realize now he is for the most part correct.....I don't think Jim is in there any more....not even a bit of him......

    My life is gone......our life is gone.....Jim's life is gone....all that remains is the life of the nasty little tyrant that lives in his old body ......we all bend to the tyrants way.......trying to appease him..... it doesn't work....he rages on.....

    The tyrant suffers in there.... I can't imagine what he must feel.... but it's ok.... it's how it is.... if he were an animal I would say it was time to put him down....the suffering cannot end... even when it appears to ease for a bit you can tell it's still there lurking in the background.....waiting to come roaring back to life.......but I guess you're not supposed to talk about putting people down........

    I certainly don't mean to offend anyone here...that would never be my intention..... you all seem to have a gene I missed or something....

    At first I thought this must surely be a test of some sort....how much can she take?? what will be think of next???How long can she keep going?? How long till she breaks??? But, it's not a test... it's nothing really....just the way it is....and it will always be this way.....no fixing it.... no easing it.... just another day...then another night.....

    I thought at one point that perhaps I have been spoiled.... most anything in life I have wanted I have always known all I have to do is work my butt off and I can achieve it..... except this........ he cannot be fixed......it's a one way road.... we're not traveling back down it.....so as I said, a lot of things have ended, never to recur.....

    I guess I am broken.... I don't have it....whatever it is.... frankly I am a loving, patient, caring, self sacrificing person......none of that matters......the tyrant is bigger and stronger than I am... his will is unswayable.....

    So I guess I'm curious...does anyone have a clue what I'm talking about? ....this would probably be the most likely place someone would.......was there a time when things changed??? It's ok if you don't.... it'll all be ok.....

    .take care and I hope God blesses each of you dealing with this


    Sedge
    • CommentAuthormyrtle*
    • CommentTimeMay 23rd 2018
     
    Hi Sedge, Somehow I did not see your original posts. I am very worried about you. What an awful time you're having! Please know that most of us understand what you're going through.

    It sounds like the VA doctor was right to say you needed a mental health referral for your husband. So why didn't he give you one? Maybe you could call the VA and say that the doc suggested it and you want to accept his suggestion. If you look at bhv's experience, medication was very helpful to her husband and made her life easier. As far as the SW's suggestion of day care and/or someone to come in, why don't you call her and ask for her help in setting at least one of those things up. I would not ask your husband if he wants these services, Instead, I would try to trick him into accepting one of these options. That's what I did and although the day care especially was hard for him to swallow, he eventually accepted it.

    Will write more later . . .
  3.  
    Yes, many of us (probably most of us) can understand and relate to what you are saying.. Sure was glad when he finally was past that stage.
    •  
      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeMay 23rd 2018
     
    Your experience with the VA doctor is just like mine is. My husband has a PA that will sit at his desk looking at the computer saying: blood and urine work is good, BP is good, see you next year if no complaints. His neurologist thankfully is much better. She reads my observations for the last year, listens to my concerns and addresses them if need be. She also puts him through not just the MMSE, but neurological testing like reflexes, gait, etc.

    You are not alone in how you feel. You are burned out and tired of all this. I can't wait until he is placed. I want some of my life back before it is too late. At the last support group I went to, the guy started to read some stuff. He starts off with you don't have to answer this, just know you are not alone: How many have wished their loved one was dead? I popped up 'me'. Almost every morning I pray he will have died during the night both for him so he doesn't have to endure the end of this disease and for me.
  4.  
    You need more help, Sedge. I agree with Myrtle that working through the VA social worker might help you get some concrete suggestions that could be useful. The doctor sounds useless. At the very least he should have addressed the driving issue. In NY, the doctor can send a form to the state DMV requesting a driving evaluation for the person...which of course (as with my DH) can result in their license being pulled without the family having to be the "bad guys." Also, if he needs a mental health eval., why didn't the doc make the referral? Good Lord. I agree with Myrtle on that, too. Call back and see if, based on what the doctor said, you can get somebody to actually do the referral.
    • CommentAuthorbhv
    • CommentTimeMay 24th 2018
     
    First, Sedge, as I read your post I thought I wrote it. Didn't remember using some of those words. Took another look and saw it was your post. Eerie.
    Gals, I think the VA doctor told her she needed a mental health referral.for herself! Talk about unhelpful!

    A number of caregivers have said hb's primary care doctor just lost interest completely with the dementia.diagnosis because it is not curable.

    The first clinic I was assigned to I really liked the doctor and nurse, but the social worker was not helpful. She just said all the programs are on hold. Then the doctor left the VA and I was.transferred to another clinic. The new doctor was on leave for the follow up appointment so the nurse called me. She was so very nice. We decided he didn't need to see the primary care doc, but she said I should talk to the social.worker. Kara actually called me a day or so later. She had looked into what might be available for geriatric care. Here at the Loma Linda, CA VA they have a.Geriatric Clinic. Kara had spoken to them about how it works and then called me.

    Geriatric Clinic -- Here, they have a class that was a.four hour presentation about dementia and caregiver stress. They have a team of doctors, geriatric psychiatrists, dietician, pharmacist, social worker, clinical psychologist. You have to go to the class to get "in" with them. Some of us brought the PWD, but some caregivers came alone.

    After the class I asked the psychologist how to.see a.geriatic psychiatrist. She was going to make an appointment for me but schedulers were gone. She said she'd call the next morning and she did!

    I didn't know it then, but it is a geriatric psychiatrist you must see to get medications to deal with the aggressive behavior. Some spouses are so dangerous the caregiver has to call 911 and get them into a.geriatric psych unit in order to get the right meds. I was able to skip that.

    There is a.lot of good info at the VA website caregiver page.

    Oh, and on Monday I found out the Social Worker doesn't have appointments but you can walk in. After talking with her I decided to stay with her clinic for primary care, but use the geriatric clinic for dementia care. I will have to see the VA primary care doc once a year. Don't really need to because my hb is retired military so his civilian doc does primary care for us. Still, I have not found a geriatric psych locally and nothing like the clinic. So will use VA for that.
  5.  
    So do we think the MD saying, "You need a mental health referral." was just meant to be an attempt at black humor in an awareness of Sedge's plight, or did he indeed think the patient needed the referral, or did he--as bhv suggested--really mean that Sedge herself needs a mental health referral? i.e. was he thinking along the lines of counseling, anti-depressants, whatever...for her? If that is what he meant, he should have been more specific, and more professional about how he handled the whole comment. This is not a game, it is somebody's life. It does sound as if Sedge needs to get some clarification, if possible.
    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeMay 24th 2018
     
    Hi y'all,
    So I read all the responses then picked up the phone and called the VA.. you all inspired me..... his drs nurse is gone till middle of next week but they transferred me to a triage nurse. She said a referral to mental health, which is what his Dr put in (for him through I think I need it sometimes LOL) is basically an appointment for counseling with a psychiatrist who will talk to him about how he feels and why he does what he does..

    She said perhaps he is depressed or stressed or suffering from PTSD. I told her I thought that was ridiculous... he was diagnosed 5 years ago with Alzheimer's.... I'm sure he would tell a psychiatrist everything is wonderful.... and pointed out to her when his Dr asked if he slept well he said yes and when he asked if he was taking vitamin d he said every day .... he hasn't needed vitamin d for 4=years so of course he doesn't take it and he frequently wakes whining during the night...basically I don't think he needs someone to discuss his "feelings" with...... I'm not sure what he needs..... I was frankly hoping for a drug to smooth him out....(and I'm very much antidrug... I think most are over prescribed but I also believe there's a time and a place )

    I told her I'm very ignorant where mental health is concerned.. I've never dealt with it.. with his Mom her gp took care of her till the end... she had vascular dementia and we had similar problems where she would fly into rages.. after she attacked her CNA with her cane he put her on serequel (sp) and problem never recurred...so is this the VA route? Psychiatrist visits? The nurse I spoke with had no answers so I guess I will call next week and speak with his drs nurse and see what she says..

    Myrtle, basically I don't set up daycare or someone coming in because I don't trust he could be handled and fear it could open up even worse problems.

    Charlotte, that's so sad you feel that way..... we had no MMSE (which frankly at this point I think is useless..or gait or reflex testing)I would say I won't bother with his yearly again but a lot can change in a year... I can't say I've ever wished Jim dead...I've wondered how it would be if he died... and to be honest have considered offing him and myself just to end it....but I'm not there yet.....

    Elizabeth, I've no idea why he didn't make the referral, he just said call if I want to do that.and he did put it in the notes.......he told me over a year ago to take the keys... the VA here is very very hard to get to actually file to have license revoked... I have followed 2 people in the last year, one, an older friend they did take his license and he hired an attorney and sued the VA... he spent thousands on it and no, he didn't get his license back... the other, a friend's father who also sees Jim's Dr... they also requested he file and he would not... her brother who lives out of state filed the papers and they promptly revoked her brothers license.. so they had to go through explaining it was the Dad, not the brother to get his license back.... anyway my oldest daughter called a bit ago and said she had all the paperwork together and this weekend they will all sign it so if they tell him who filed he won't single one out to be angry with....I told her it doesn't matter..my name won't be on it but I will be blamed....oh well...

    Bhv, after reading some of your posts, yes please, we will have what you all have. :)

    No, the referral wasn't for me... I think he is fearful of Jim.... I thought he would do something about the license since its been over a year since he said take the keys..( and this was no surprise as his geripsych had limited him to 40 miles then 20.. 15...5 until only in town --very small town...) he touched on it and said something about him driving and Jim immediately glared at me and no more was said....Jim is in good physical shape, and probably has 75 lbs on his Dr....now that I think about it, last year when Jim had his appointment it was at the end of the appointment he looked at me and said "Take the keys" I said oh and he said "you hear me, take the keys" .i said ok..... then he left... no discussion or anything.....

    If his geripsych could handle this it would be great, he likes her and listens to her but she apparently is a psychologist and does testing but no counseling or anything..

    I don't care for the social worker..she is very condescending...I will when necessary use her as a means to an end..but it will be one more thing to tolerate...I will call her and see if there is any type of geriatric type clinic program here. Thanks for the tip.... I see now where you said the route to meds was through the psychiatrist... what exactly did they do? Talk to him? To you? Testing? I wonder if it's the same here...
    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeMay 24th 2018
     
    My internet is sketchy and half my post above vanished....sorry.....

    I was dealt another blow yesterday, we went to coffee with his best friend and he asked him if he'd take him to search for a part he needed....he said he'd see....his wife took me aside and said he will no longer take Jim any place, the responsibility is too great....

    Tuesday his brother said he will no longer come over as Jim accused him of stealing stuff from his shop...it's true... it happened about a year ago.... just an excuse to not have to deal with him....

    I am appalled at the entire lack of help/ treatment......I'm not sure what I was hoping for but I guess something more.....

    My youngest son told me yesterday ...don't make the mistake of doing nothing.....so I'm trying to get out of this stagnant spot I'm in..

    Thanks again for listening and advising
    Sedge
    •  
      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeMay 24th 2018
     
    Sedgly - do you download his doctor medical records? I do and sometimes find interesting comments in there that I am not told.

    It really sounds like his neuropsych doctor is not experienced with dementia - not all are. Unfortunately we often have no choice.

    You are not the first one to have them say he needs to see a psychiatrist to discuss what he is feeling. Over the years many have been told that. As if exploring your feelings will change the direction of this disease. Early on it might help if they are having trouble accepting their diagnosis, but for later ones a waste of time. I would see what the nurse has to say and maybe even take the appointment. In the meantime try to get recordings of his violent, irrational behavior to show - seeing is believing. l

    I am glad his neuro does the physical exam because there might be changes due to areas of the brain being affected that I am not aware of. Plus, she has to do something to validate the 250 mile trip there.

    I am so sorry about friends and family abandoning you because they don't want to deal with it.
    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeMay 24th 2018
     
    I do read his notes through my health e vet... Dr did mention that Jim said no problem with sleep but his wife tells a different story....

    He also said he was in receipt of another letter from me.... I thought sending a letter each year before his appointment was appropriate but his tone indicates he doesn't like it....

    I will speak with the nurse this coming week... with the license being revoked I'm sure it will not be easy...

    I did actually at one point when he was screaming and ranting on and on flip my cell to record... after listening to it after he was settled it just made me upset to hear it and I deleted it....

    I'm not even comfortable with Jim's diagnosis but can't fight them all for it.... in the beginning... 5-7 years ago based on a pet scan they said he had spots of signal abnormalities throughout his brain ... then after 6hour testing with neuropsych she said EOAD or FTD...and basically asked my opinion... at the time it was more memory problem than behaviour and we went with EOAD...

    With being unconfident in the diagnosis we declined meds. ..he was offered aricept and discussed it with a local md who had worked with the neurologist that brought it to the world and we decided to pass on it...

    I'm sorry you travel so far for care. We are luckily within half hour or so of our VA
    • CommentAuthorbhv
    • CommentTimeMay 24th 2018
     
    Hi Sedgely, I forgot to mention the geriatric clinic does the more involved testing that takes.several hours and can determine what kind of dementia it is. That testing can also help to come up.with a.care.plan. My husband does not communicate enough to participate in that. The psychiatrist agreed. She just did part of the Mental.Status Exam and tested his arm strength sort of (when she asked about his.tremor). On the follow up she tried some of the MSE questions.and asked about sleeping, is he happy, how does he feel.about the future. Things like that. I was surprised he answered some of the questions. She looked at me to verify what he said. I didn't bother writing things down because my hb doesn't seem to understand and I just tell her what has happened. She prescribed the depakote when I told her about his threats.and trying to punch me.

    Sounds like your guy is communicative enough for the long testing process. Might try that. Bring a written summary of what you want from the psychiatrist visit. I think you said you wrote 5 pages. Try to get it to one or two. Say something like he has alzheimers. He is aggressive and you don't feel.safe. You need him to have some medication to manage that behavior.
    • CommentAuthorbhv
    • CommentTimeMay 24th 2018
     
    I see we were typing at the same time. So you already have the more involved testing. Sounds to me like you need to get a.referral to a psychiatrist, preferably geriatric. If it is FTD, meds are different and you can have more severe behavior issues. My cousin is a nurse and was trying to care for her beloved husband, also named Jim - as is my hb (isn't that weird). Anyway, pretty quickly after diagnosis my cousin was forced to place him because with the FTD they said she would nt be able to care for him at home.

    One reason my hb couldn't take the bus to day care was there was already a big man on the bus with FTD and other riders were already afraid tonride with him. They said I was lucky my hb had alzheimers because he can become accustomed to things whereas with FTD they can't do that. Oh boy.
    • CommentAuthorbhv
    • CommentTimeMay 24th 2018
     
    I went back to the beginning of this. You said he has all the doctors available and you had the testing. You saw the primary care doctor for annual visit and blood work etc was all ok. As I understand it we need to have that primary care visit to keep eligible for VA healthcare. Also they can get other illnesses besides alzheimers and that's what the primary care dr is for. So I think he did his job by putting in the referral for mental health. The first VA Dr we saw said she was putting in a referral for a neurologist and that they would call me with an appt. They never called. So perhaps the drs don't really know how the referral process works. I don't either.
    I got the geriatric psychiatrist appointment after talking with the psychologist at the geriatric clinic class.
    •  
      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeMay 24th 2018
     
    Besides phone calls, do not discount emails. I go in through the secure messaging to contact his neurologist. She only does the VA on Mondays, so talking on the phone is near impossible.

    They (VA) try to get you in yearly but when we first started with them was told he had to see his primary at least once every 2 years. Of course that can change.
    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeMay 25th 2018
     
    Bhv, exactly what did the psychiatrist appointment consist of? Was it just talk? Did they talk to him alone? Did they talk to you?

    Jim is in what I think of as an odd place... people can talk to him and not know there is anything wrong with him..... until it's real obvious........he doesn't have a horrible short term memory....he doesn't get lost.....he doesn't even get super confused....but part of anything he says is not true...he is very good at filling in the blanks with what he thinks you want to hear...

    Everything seems to wax and wane....

    Charlotte, email is actually my preferred communication, that way it's in writing and I can refer back to it... the SW does not however think that is a secure way to communicate...she would call..and I don't do phone calls about Jim when with him.. I finally told her not to call any more...

    We haven't seen a neurologist in years.. the first one, a man, told Jim what great shape he was in physically and squeezed his upper arm .....(Jim exercises every single morning, including 125 pull ups to keep his upper arms in shape...years ago he arm wrestled) anyway he thought the man was hitting on him and didn't want to see him any longer... that all fell into place as I was switching his care to the VA after he had a hospital stay that we paid thousands of dollars for that would have been covered at the VA...that was around 8 years ago....I think....

    The VA assigned him a neurologist there that happened to be a female... I think 6 -7 years ago.....when she found he wasn't interested in taking the Alzheimer's medication she said there was really no reason to see her again....

    The psychologist who did his testing told him on 3/25/13 that he would not be returning to work....he has seen her once since, I believe in 2015....

    if we didn't have the anger issues, and if I can get him in daycare at least once a week we can manage....
    •  
      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeMay 25th 2018
     
    That is the attitude when I took my husband off galantamine - his neuro said we only needed to see her if something came up like behavior problems. Well, you 'something like that' has come up. It should never bee this hard to find help for both us and our loved one. This is total insanity and IMO - abuse of both the caregiver and patient.
    • CommentAuthorbhv
    • CommentTimeMay 25th 2018 edited
     
    Makes sense for the neurologist. The alzheimer meds are their only weapons. The psychologist can't prescribe medications. Your primary care doctor won't address the behavior issues, but he did put in a referral. I am relatively new with the VA. Can you go online and request an appointment with geriatric psychiatrist? Or call that triage nurse back. You shouldn't have to wait for the primary care nurse to some back from vacation.

    For us the psychologist at the geriatric clinic got me the appointment. She also talked to me on the phone to make sure I felt safe enough to wait a week for that appointment. If not, she would have recommended taking him to a geriatric psych unit. She asked me questions about the behavior issues and said she would send an email to the psychiatrist so she had a heads up.

    I should say that for quite some time I have been just going in with my hb to see the doctor. I don't ask anyone's permission. This implies to the doctor that he agrees to disclose info. My hb never questioned that. He seems much more comfortable having me there, especially when we have to wait for the doctor in his office. They ask him questions ad mostly he just says "ask her,.she know what's.best"

    At the initial appointment with the VA psychiatrist the nurse checked his blood pressure etc and the doctor came to get us. No waiting. I could have given her a written page, but at this point my hb doesn't seem to comprehend.what I am saying. It was just talking. I gave her an idea of what I needed and the history. She did some of the mental status exam, but it quickly became clear he couldn't answer the questions. I told her about the anger issues and how he was chasing after me even if I said something nice the last few weeks. She prescribed depakote. Said she would have to check blood work every three months or so. I asked if his primary care doctor could do that follow up and she said no. For the behavior issues we.need to do the blood work and see a geriatric psychiatrist. There are a variety of medications that can be used and she believes we should keep antipsychotics like haldol as last resort. His primary care doctor doesn't have the expertise to manage this.

    The second visit was one month later. We only did 30 days of the pills to see how he did. She offered to see us in two weeks if I had wanted that. (I think she was still.concerned about my safety.) Again I just went in with him. He sat next to her desk and I sat in a.chair opposite her. Hb probably thinks she is my doctor. I tell him we are going to the VA. I don't tell him what for and he doesn't ask. First she asked how things were going? I said it has changed everything and she made a thumbs up motion with a questioning look. She did a bit of the mental.status exam. She asked him if he was happy. He said yes. She asked him how he felt about the future. He said it is good. She asked if he thought people were coming in and stealing things. He said no. She asked if he heard voices when no one was there. He didn't understand that one. Each time she looked at me to verify his answer. She talked a.bit about dosage. This is a low dose and since it seems to be enoughfor now she faxed a 90 day prescription with refills. It came today.

    You would do well to give her a.paper writeup saying what you just said above. Especially about presenting well and saying what he thinks they want to hear and about much of it being untrue. Trust me, the psychiatrist will not be surprised by that. Make the subject line of your letter Anger/aggression issues.

    The psychiatrist can't do anything about daycare. I imagine you need to see your primary care social.worker. The program may be on hold but you can get a list of places they deal with and go there as private pay and get on waiting list with VA.

    You might want to consider asking to switch to the geriatric clinic if your VA has one. At Loma Linda I can choose to stay with Bravo clinic for primary care or switch to geriatric. I am sticking with Bravo for now because I really like that SW and Nurse.
    •  
      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeMay 25th 2018
     
    Bonnie= you are blessed to be in a large area where the VA seems to be working like it should for our veterans. Hopefully sooner rather than later Sedgly can get into the system and have it working for her.
    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeMay 31st 2018
     
    Just a quick note to update: the papers were sent to drivers license department early this week... I'm dreading getting the mail every day.....

    I know this too will pass...
    Sedgly
    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTimeJun 4th 2018
     
    Good Morning Sedgly, as someone else mentioned, I too could have written your letters. I joke the stress will do me in long before anything happens to him. I won't repeat all the information -- it is very good, and has helped me get a better hold on our situation. My husband has never been violent but has a terrible temper, but once he explodes he forgets it - but I can't:) His Geriatric Dr was useless so I got him transferred to my Primary Care doctor and that has helped since I see her each time he does and she is good to answer e-mails about information I'd like to share without him hearing about it. Also good to make referrals where needed but there is only so much they can do. He began Zoloft a few month ago and I think that has helped -- the Aricept, I don't know, but then I would't know if it was working or not.

    You are so right about family and friends drifting away, I feel it more than my husband because he doesn't remember the things we used to do. For awhile I'd bring out pictures and talk about them which he enjoyed, but could only vaguely remember anything. I can handle a lot of the daily things -- sometimes have to get out and go visit our horses who are good listeners - however, there are times I just want to talk to someone who knows what I'm going through, which is how I found this board. My dr referred me to our local AD chapter, but that didn't work out. My husband was a very successful, intelligent, well dressed man - who has become basically a slob about his personal hygiene as well as other things. I feel like I have all my usual responsibilities, plus having to take care of him, make all the decisions etc, etc, etc. I want to scream! I don't want to do this, I want my husband back!.

    I don't have any advice other than what others have offered, many have been going through this for much longer than me. While I knew he was having problems as long as 10 years ago no one would listen to me. I'm sure the kids didn't want to hear anything and I felt - and still do - talking to any of our friends or neighbors. We live in the country now so don't have many of either. He is 81, older I think than most of the husbands/wives were who developed this. I guess that's a good thing, but he and everyone else seem to forget I'm not much younger than he is. I feel so guilty complaining, griping, crying ad so on -- except here. I sometimes feel it would be so good if there were someone close enough, in the same situation, that we could talk to or see occasionally. Two of my friends are dealing with similar problems so never leave their husbands alone, a very good friend moved to another state where her son could help. Big mistake, she is so lonely and depressed. It's hard to make new friends when you are old, have no connections, and one of you has a difficult problem.

    Think DH is up, the dog is growling. He sleeps till at least 9am every morning so rather than try and get him up an going, I just use this time for myself. It's quiet, I can work in the garden, read or - as now - get some of my frustrations out :) Later,
    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTimeJun 4th 2018
     
    I meant....I felt guilty about talking to anyone about him. He is still my husband and is/was a very proud man. But here, we are all in the similar situations and understand that while we said "for better or worse" we never expected this :)
    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeJun 5th 2018
     
    Papers came yesterday....after all the dread and anticipation it was all ok. .....for now.....when I picked up the mail and saw the letter I of course knew immediately what it was... I opened it, read it.....You have been preferred for license reevaluation...no names....

    Jim walked in and I said," You're not going to like this" he said what and I told him.....he just said "we were expecting that...it's no surprise".... that was all....hasn't mentioned it since.....

    Of course I know any day it can come back to him and he can react differently... I called the VA... again. she said no his Dr will not sign off on his papers to drive...also said they did not initiate it as it would violate Dr patient confidentiality if they contacted the state.....first time I've heard of that....

    The nurse who was gone over memorial day ...is now gone till the 16th.....so hurry up and wait some more.......it's ok..we are back in a lull.....before the next storm.....he wanted badly to go to search for a part yesterday...no one will take him and he wouldn't dare ask me... so I volunteered....I sat in the car for an hour and a half while he romped around the yard searching....he found it, bought it....but when I asked if he was sure it was the correct part he wasn't...he will need to compare it as he couldn't tell.... doesn't matter...he was happy...he thrives on having attention paid to him......something I hadn't given much thought to....he was happy all evening..... I know I have to be on guard today and then when he turns it won't be such a kick in the gut....

    Oakridge:yes, I too could have written your post...the stress is nonstoppable.... I was diagnosed with graves disease a year ago and when they said it is usually precipitated by a high stress I knew exactly what it was....thankfully I am very close to being settled from it..

    Jim also has made the journey into being a slob..but he has no idea....funny, I use to say I didn't want to do this and just wanted my husband back also but at some point I guess I just accepted it... I don't even think those thoughts any more.... it's not gonna happen....

    We too have been traveling this road a while....I can't even tell you how long... 15 years or so ago he hit his head and he was out of it for weeks.... in retrospect I don't think he ever fully came back... 9 years ago he was diagnosed MCI..and just over 5 years ago, when he was 62 he was told it was Alzheimer's and he would not be returning to work....

    I need to move....should have done it five years ago but didn't...
    • CommentAuthoroakridge
    • CommentTimeJun 6th 2018
     
    I'm so pleased you didn't have a blowup with your husband over driving. At least the anticipation is over now and you can move on.

    I'm always pleased to see evening come - I feel like we made it through another day :)
    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeJun 9th 2018
     
    Here's what I have learnt after visiting with social worker at VA.

    The VA here will absolutely not file any papers with the state saying someone should not drive. Period.

    Why they wouldn't just come out and say this over the last 3 years when I have been repeatedly requesting it I do not know.

    At any rate she said the VA considers it a violation of doctor/patient confidentiality.

    The papers we received from the state saying Jim had been referred for reevaluation did not say by whom. I think he assumes it is his Dr... If he could call...and if he could request it...they would tell him....

    Included in the papers were a two page form for his doctor to fill out with boxes to check of either yes, he is ok to drive or no he should not... the top half of the paper is a medical release for the doctor to do this..

    The SW said his doctor would absolutely not approve him to drive, she has discussed Jim driving with him for 2 years...and they have both been very concerned.....the other forms are for his optometrist.....

    So I'm not going to send papers to Dr. ....They time out on Saturday... at which point they will send a letter telling him to turn in his license...... I will take him the following week to get a state ID card and they can take it then....I could have done this a few years ago and saved a lot of stress....

    Continued
    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeJun 9th 2018
     
    My next battle to fight will be getting rid of his cars....I made a mistake and said something a few years back that I shouldn't have....he was feeling a bit beat up and I said, you never know, they could find a cure for this in your lifetime and fix you right up.....

    So now when I mention letting go of the cars he doesn't want to because I said they could find a cure and when they do he will need the cars.... I told him at that time we would buy him a new one but he wants the ones he has...he says they are hard to find.....he is like a hoarder of cars...

    Any thoughts on how to help him let go??
    • CommentAuthorlindyloo*
    • CommentTimeJun 9th 2018
     
    Here are two suggestions. We did the first suggestion with my mother and it worked. When she wanted to go buy a new car we always changed the subject knowing she did not have the capability of doing it on her own. My partner, thankfully, handed over her keys without my having to ask.

    Suggestion 1: Take the car to "be repaired". Each time he asks when it is coming back, say you are not sure. Later, if necessary, say the mechanics determined it is beyond repair.

    Suggestion 2: Disable the car in such a way that he cannot fix it himself and leave it sitting in the drive.
    •  
      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeJun 9th 2018
     
    I like #2 which others have had to do. Or get a key that looks like the real one but won't work and then put the real one somewhere you won't forget where it is.

    If he accepts giving up his license gracefully for an ID card - and maybe the clerk will make a big deal thanking him for doing it like the clerk did with my husband, tell him you can't insure the cars any longer because he can't drive anymore and you don't like driving them. If he says no, ask him if he would consider selling all but one of them and which one does he want to keep. Then disable that one. If they are collectors cars - old cars, then maybe point out it is time to sell them to someone else who will cherish them and keep them running.
    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeJun 10th 2018
     
    Thanks Lindyloo and Charlotte.

    I also have heard of people using these 2 strategies....in our case neither would work.

    I don't need the car disabled, I have no fear he will attempt to drive it at this point..and frankly any disabling he would fix...

    He has never had a car taken for service... mine, I always take in .. it is 3 years old now and warranty just expired which surprisingly leaves me feeling very vulnerable...his are all older, a couple he has had for well over 40 years...

    It's one of the things that leaves me angered and frustrated..... it's been around 5 years ago that we met one of our daughters and granddaughter for lunch and he didn't know who she was.... she was crushed...I will never forget her saying, "Come on Dad, you know me"... almost pleading, begging with him to remember her.....and he just smiled that silly smile and played with the granddaughter......

    And when we left the restaurant we came home and he tore down a Holley 4 barrel carburetor and rebuilt it perfectly.....I asked his Dr about it.... he pointed out daughter was in her mid thirties...... he has played with cars for almost 50 years....she has grown and changed, the parts are still the same.....it's just cruel...why couldn't he have forgotten car stuff and remembered his children...

    I will figure out a way to convince him to let them go..... I'm just not sure how....
    •  
      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeJun 10th 2018
     
    Probably then your best chance is to convince him it is time for others to enjoy and cherish them.How many does he have?

    We love to go to the little shows around here to look at the old cars. Unfortunately, many have been 'souped' up and in the original or restored to original. Growing up the father of one of my brother's friend had a big collection he kept in a big barn. They were all in mint condition. His dad could not part with them even in old age. When he died that left his son to deal with finding new owners for them. I like to watch 'Strange Inheritance'. When I see families that are left with old collections being left with trying to value it and get rid of it, I always think of my friend.

    Something to consider: If you should have to apply to Medicaid in the future, they will have to go. They will only allow one vehicle. Better to start trying to get the best prices for them now rather than be rushed later.
    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeJun 10th 2018
     
    How many??..... sigh... if I had to guess 30....and they vary a lot in what they are....I just looked up the nada on one he has..that I happen to know info on....high is 229...average is 153 and low is 79...so I know some of them are worth some bucks and will have to go... that particular one I just happened to remember, we had paint and body done in '87. He took it out to wash it... put a small scrape on the passenger door when backing it back in..got angry about it..... had it fixed and put it in one of the storage garages and it's been there since... 30+ years ....his brother assures me they were prepped for storage....

    To sell them will be an experience in its own..first because I'm not sure what any of them are worth..second because a buyer would not be found here and because we are so rural there probably isn't anyone I could call to come in to assist in identifying and valuing them... and if there was I probably couldn't afford to pay them...

    I started three years ago trying to convince him to let go of some.....and we have sold four ...and he regretted every sale.....

    I'm trying hard not to care... we can't know the future... my oldest son keeps telling me to wait till he dies then get rid of them all....but he doesn't realize if he needs care they will all go long before that...luckily his kids don't want any of them....his brothers would take them all.. but wouldn't pay for them...

    I was almost sucked into his youngest brother telling me he wanted a gloss black one that was Jim's pride and joy...he had designed and built it from ground up.... I thought how sweet, he wants something his brother had built...it's one of the few I will probably force on my son.... when I told his brother I'd think about it... he told me how he thought if he changed just one or two things on it he could sell it for big bucks....so no, I'm not giving it to him..apparently if he needs Medicaid they would hold it against us anyway...

    I have titles to all of them listed in my or Jim's name...not and..... so I know I can sell them without him... and he cannot access the titles...

    I'm ready for everything to be simpler... sometimes I wish I could have a giant eraser and just erase a lot of things....

    Btw, when I speak of the kids I realize sometimes I say his son.. or my son..... they are actually all ours....
    •  
      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeJun 10th 2018
     
    Might check into if they are all in your name, it might not count. Would be worth asking a lawyer who specializes in Medicaid if you think you will need it eventually. Ideally it would nice to wait until he is gone - less pressure, but you need to find out.

    As to selling them - on Strange Inheritance a guy left his family with over a 100 cars -some good, some needing lots of work- to deal with. They found someone who does auto auctions who dealt with auctioning them off. They were located in some small town. So there are people out there that may help for a commission but if that is the only way to easily get rid of them. Definitely a hard road ahead - not just with the AD but the cars.
    • CommentAuthorbhv
    • CommentTimeJun 10th 2018
     
    My hb had a partially restored mustang and a.corvette. I was tempted to finish restoring them and auction them, but saw an ad in the paper looking for muscle cars. I had researched the value of the mustang and the guy offered me a little more than I was thinking. He wasn't really interested in the corvette but he took it off my hands and I made a profit on the combined deal.

    My hb was a bit farther along than yours. He was no longer able to fix things himself and he had even forgotten they were worth money. He was going to give them away or drive them off a hill. That's when I knew I could sell them. I was a bit amazed that he didn't complain when the guy came and towed them away.
    I still have my car and his truck. I want to get rid of the truck. May give it to my brother, but would have to ship it across the country or drive it there myself. Have tabled that because he got so mad every time I mentioned it.

    Last summer I had it in my neighbor's shop to repair some things and the neighbor got busy. It was in the shop for a couple of months. At first hb didn't even seem to notice it was gone. Then all of a sudden he got upset and started looking for it every day. He kept telling me to drive him to the neighbor's house to get it. Thankfully he finished it the day that I called to say I needed to get it back fixed or not.

    Now that he is on the new medication I may be able to get rid of it. But now am thinking of having him in respite for a month while I drive across country with the truck and see some friends and interesting places and leave it with my brother. I keep getting stuck not able to make that decision.
    • CommentAuthorpaulc
    • CommentTimeJun 11th 2018
     
    Explain to everyone that legally you cannot give the cars away. If you need Medicaid in the next 5 years you will have the value of cars given away deducted from how much you are allowed to keep. This is a real risk, but you can exaggerate the risk if you wish.

    There are national classifieds for selling collectible cars, I assume they have moved from paper to web sites. I know a few people interested in old cars (no big collections) and they will travel far for something they want. Here is one site that buys collections from any location in the US (if you don't want to bother selling each car individually, but a lot less money per car). https://www.gullwingmotorcars.com/sell-your-collector-car.htm

    A retired associate of mine bought a beat up Ferrari as a Lt. in the Navy in the 50s or 60s, this car won an important race in South America in the 50s. I think he is the 3rd and current owner of this car and over the years has restored it, it now scores a perfect 100 in every Ferrari convention it is entered. Specially built garage. I was shocked to learn that he is selling it. I guess he feels he can't drive it any more and he believes this car should be driven on a regular basis. So I think some people reach a certain age and learn to let go of very valued possessions (I haven't reached that stage yet). https://www.caranddriver.com/news/the-admirals-ferrari-500-mondial-series-ii-goes-up-for-sale
    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeJun 13th 2018
     
    Yes, Bhv, I face the same dilemma with a few of them...to finish or not.....one of them, a fairlane he was going to build into a faux thunderbolt is sitting in the shop now. It hasn't been touched in over 6 years...but, I know we dropped over 10k at Crites for glass hood, fenders, trucklid etc...he took it in for paint,..paid the guy up front...he had it for a few months and Jim decided once the engine compartment was painted he would bring it back to our shop and do the motor before finishing it....

    That's about when things started going sideways....Motor never got finished...i think the short block is on one of the stands...body and interior parts are still at the other shop...needs to be all wrapped up before parts go missing or something....I've talked to the guy in charge of the body and paint and told him I want it done asap....suddenly with Jim not driving ...loading it on a trailer, transporting and unloading is all a much bigger deal....I've never towed the trailer and can't do it alone anyway......he's supposed to get to it this summer..

    I think there will always be a market for mustangs... he has 3 of them left...they are just regulars, we sold the Shelbys a couple years back in their heyday and bought real estate with funds from the sale....I can be happy with only two cars....mine lol

    Paulc, I saved the site for future reference...some days when stressed I want them all gone yesterday so I can at least have the illusion of some sort of control,.... other days it's not so important and I don't care... I'm not fickle, it just seems everything in our life seems to wax and wane... depending I guess on if it's a good day or bad.....

    I haven't read a copy of Car and Driver for a few years, I did read the article in the link on your friend's Ferrari.....seems every car has a story...personally I think that's right, if you're not going to drive it, why have it....but then I'm also a use the good China person...

    We use to sell a lot of parts, had people from all over the U.S. calling searching for that one hard to find original part...or wanting a special motor built.....a couple years ago he started mixing parts up so I just tell people I'm sorry, we don't do that any more......

    He began collecting parts and cars back in the 60s when he just knew they would become collectible, his friends would laugh and ask if he was still investing in iron futures.... for the most part he was right....an example would be he has what we named the manifold room.... I can id what a manifold is, and that's about all...as far as high rise, low rise, tunnel port, dual quad, tripower etc it's all over my head... around 8 years ago he was building a manifold that had 8 single barrel carburetors on it so air/ fuel could be adjusted independently......more of a novelty but something he felt would extremely increase fuel efficiency....the entire project is now buried somewhere in one of the shops...and I'm sure nobody knows his thoughts for it....

    The cars, the parts, they were his dreams.... I remember back in '77 we went to the bank to try and borrow 20k to buy an original AC Cobra...and the bank laughed...no way did they loan $20,000 for a car.... how times have changed... and the AC, he was right, the knock offs are plentiful but finding an original is almost impossible..... they have accelerated in value every year...we still have the info and photos of that car and have said many times we should have tracked it down to surprise him with... too late now.....another dream lost....

    Guess I'm rambling, feeling a little melancholy........ he is having good days.....but somehow even the good ones seem bittersweet......
    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeJun 13th 2018
     
    Charlotte, missed your comment... I know I need to speak with the attorney about planning... just have a mental block I guess...kicking myself for not taking care of it 6 years ago when this started and I knew I should.... just one of those things....
    • CommentAuthorbhv
    • CommentTimeJun 13th 2018
     
    I'm having a mental block too. Kept thinking about the cars yesterday. I am sure I could have gotten more from them, but had no idea how to go about it. Don't really feel bad though. We made a profit and the guy can make a profit if he finishes them. I wrote a story about the corvette that he enjoyed. We were only second owner.
    I loaded the guy's truck up with parts too. But still have a fancy wooden steering wheel for mustang. Supposed to be worth $100+. Guess I have to figure out how to sell on ebay. Can't seem to get up the motivation to start that.
    •  
      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeJun 13th 2018
     
    Sedgly - sounds like you need someone like 'American Pickers' to come visit!

    It is hard to know where to get rid of stuff. I have my china that has sold recently on ebay for $600-800 dollars but I don't want to pay to ship it. Been asking antique/collectible stores if they know of anyone that would buy it and they all say no - would take $300 for it.
    • CommentAuthorSedgly
    • CommentTimeJun 14th 2018
     
    Today was the day..... just on a whim I told him we needed to go get a state ID... I drove him in and aside from him wanting to argue with the folks who work there about the need for a state ID it all went smoothly... they figured out really fast that something was off with him... and were very understanding...we gave them the license and they gave him an ID...

    It surprised me that when he sat in the chair to have his photo done I had tears well up and I almost cried....just another blatant loss that can't be changed.....

    BHV hope you let go of the feelings about the cars... that's one thing I'm good at, once it's done I can let it go...if you made a profit then you did good... I'm hoping to break even on some of them. or at least not have a drastic loss......and how great to give somebody a good deal...

    The wood steering wheel brought back memories, the first Shelby we bought had a wooden wheel....one more memory...

    As to eBay...ehh... it's pretty basic to figure out, I bought and sold a lot on there in the late 90s thru early 2000s...when they raised their fees I quit....now I occasionally will list something on Facebook or Craig's list...but don't do miss ebaying...

    Charlotte, it's just a thought, but if it were me, I would do the China on Facebook or Craig's list before I did eBay... glass is one of the things I use to collect , I can't tell you how many things I sniped on eBay to get the great deal, only to have it broken in shipping and then the shipping company only pays what you paid on eBay no matter the worth or insurance value....so at least you get your money back but only after a lot of hassle....