So many of you comment about crying yourself to sleep, etc. and I can't cry anymore. .....I have a chronic dry eye problem and am on Restasis for years and I don't know if is that or CG overload. ...When my Mother passed in May, I never shed a tear. I was sad she was gone and missed her terribly but I can't cry tears...Now with me husband having AD I have been "dryly" grieving for him and me for a few years.....Up until several years ago I couldn't go to the Funeral Home to see a body I didn't even know without "tearing up" to the point of embarrassment.
I posted before that I don't cry. Two reasons are because if I "allow" myself to cry, I lose strength. I need all the strength I have to keep things going in the right direction, crying also upsets DH, so I have gotten into the habit of controlling my emotions around him.
Then a friend from high school lost her sister age 49 to colon cancer last week. (same thing my mother died from at age 56, 18 years ago.) From the moment I found out, I cried like a baby. I called my friend and cried to her. I cried at the funeral. I didn't even cry like this when my mother passed away. Something just struck me about this untimely death and how my friend had just lost her sister. It was so sad.
Although the crying at the time was necessary for me to get past the feelings, I still do not cry in my personal life. I guess, when the time comes to cry, my body will allow me to cry.
I had one really good cry for my mother about two weeks before she died. That was the only time during her illness (18 months long) and following. Since her death, I get emotional from time to time, like when my grandbabies are born but never the hard cry.
Mary, I don't like to discuss my husband with anyone because tears come to my eyes and I don't want to show my emotion in my friend or family presence. The really embarrrassing incidents are : something is said or happens and I breaek down without warning. I don't have warning and that is terrib le. I know my grief is always present and so very near the surface .
I don't cry either. When I mentioned this to our psychiatrist he wanted me in therapy. I went once and never went back. Nothing will change the disease process and I deal with it as best I can.
bluedaze, I have never cried so far. When Mac was DX'd last year I felt an overwhelming feeling of sorrow for him but still didn't cry. Maybe when and if he gets really bad I might cry but I wonder if it will be for him or myself for what I will go through. That sounds selfish doesn't it? For now I am trying to let somethings slide off my back and have days without irritation and trying to figure out the why's and wherefores.
I don't cry. I am in therapy bluedaze and that is one of many reasons why. I'm not sure why I'm not crying. It could be I've turned it into anger so I can get things done that need to be done, and to take care of me as well as taking care of him because if I'm angry I'll do it.
When I was 7 I figured out that my father was dead and that meant I would never see him again. And I cried a river. I don't think it did any good, and I had to hide the fact that I was crying a river because everyone else had finally stopped crying. My grief was never acknowledged by any one as real and valid. Basically I learned not to cry.
Am I sad? yes. Am I in denial as to where all of this is going. no. Is it possible that because I'm not crying I'll break instead of bending at some point. could be.
And because it could be I'm in therapy. I'm not at all sure that my being as OK as I am is healthy. I am convinced that my attitude is my decision and I choose to be happy. I'm aware of the good things in my life and I choose to be grateful for them and for the people who have come out of the woodwork to help me.
As bluedaze says, nothing will change the disease process and I will deal with it as best I can. Yup. Me too.
On another site it seemed everyone was crying--continuously, in buckets. I began to wonder what must be wrong with me, because I'm not. Yes, I have bouts of sadness, and may well up unexpectedly, usually when someone 'gets it', when I didn't expect them to. I was even beginning to get concerned about it. Then, I sat down and started thinking about the whole situation and realized that after facing his potential suicide (Mental Breakdown/illness) I had faced losing him in a horriffic way and worked out all the steps to deal with it. I've already had to face losing him. I have already been in the grieving process for some time and am past the heavy crying stage. I'm sure when the time comes, and he's gone, I'll revisit the crying stage, but I don't think I linger there. I don't think, because we cry buckets or we don't that there is anything really wrong with us. It's the stage of grief we're going through. We can't measure our involvment or caring by the tears we do or don't cry. We have to measure it by the bits and pieces of goodness and joy we pull out of everything we're going through. The patience, laughs, hugs, and love we experience. The new friends we make, 'who get it'.
I used to cry a lot more than I do now. I do not like to cry in public.
Crying is a way to release the emotions inside us. If some other method works for you and you don't cry - that is fine. If you are repressing the emotions that you need to go through - that is not so good. I have found that if I really need a good cry - watching a movie or reading a book that has something in it that can help me cry is good - as long as I am not bottling it up, I can keep managing.
There was a movie in the theaters several years ago with Holly Hunter in it about a news team. Her character cried every morning to get the emotion out. At the time, it seemed silly but a good idea if a person was very emotional. Now, the idea of it doesn't seem so silly.
Starling I wonder if I learned not to cry. As I said in the earlier post I used to embarass myself by crying in public about every little thing, like the funerals I mentioned earlier. I would even, during my 20s and 30s go to the funeral homes for friends, at a time I knew the family would not be there. Not look at the body, just sign the register and leave. I would practice sad things happening and making myself not cry so maybe that is causing physical problems I have now like BP etc.
Often, I think if I could just go in my bedroom and shut the door and have a good cry it would relieve some pressure. I even borrowed a Danielle Steel Book to read last week but I didn't shed a tear.
Kitty will understand-the rest of you will think I've lost it. I find myself pouring my heart out to my cats. They never offer an opinion-but they head butt, snuggle, look me straight in the eyes and seem to understand that mom is needy. I can feel the lump in my chest ease up.
bluedaze, I understand that too... nothing like the unconditional love of an animal. One of my pups, could ALWAYS tell when I was going to have a seizure too! Amazing. Speaking of animals....Christian the lion is good for a few tears in your eye.
I can cry, I just refuse to... I think it is because I was cried out. At first I couldn't stop crying! The change in his personality floored me, saddened me more than the memory loss. Over the years, I almost became robotic in my yes dear, you are right hun comments. When my dad died in March....... I cried and thought I would never stop! So, for me at least, it wasn't that I couldn't cry, I was just done crying over Alzheimer's.
Yes, I DO understand. I could hardly read your post, because my girl puts her head right up to the monitor. I asked her this morning if she could read. She stares at the monitor like she is reading the posts! I can understand her looking when something is moving on the monitor, but this is too funny.
bluedaze I had a dog who always knew when I was sick and would come and cuddle and try to comfort me. My cat loving friend who didn't like dogs at all loved him because "he was just like a cat". <grin> So I guess I understand.
Like Kitty and bluedaze, my kitty makes things more bareable. She has begun shadowing me ......... thats two of them now. Beauti loves me to hold her and she nuzzles her head next to my cheek and rubs it across my face like a gentle stroke of a hand. This I believe is her understanding that mommy is undergoing so much and this is her tender act of affection that says she is here for me and I am still loved.
As for the tears,yesterday was my wedding anniversary, I was so sad that hubby doesn't remember it. I don't know if its the Cymbalta numbing my emotions or if I have cried so much over this that there are no tears left. I stared at the wedding pictures and I couldn't even see the girl I was then. That smile on my face, the joy I felt. I don't know that couple anymore myself. And looking at him in the pictures, even then, there was a blank look in his eyes. Something very distant in them that I didn't see then.
I know I am needed. I know hes fearful when my face isn't present. I just wish I could feel loved and wanted, not just needed. I wish I could cry. I wish I could scream to the top of my lungs. I wish someone knew that when I go to bed at night, I am scared too. I am scared of every sound, of not hearing him breathing. I am scared of losing the face that had kept me from being fearful. I am scared that the wedding pictures will fade out along with us. I am scared of nevering wanting to face this monster again which would mean I am afraid of loving someone again. I am scared that the woman who once felt so light hearted and full of joy will be gone and never re-emerge. I can't breath sometimes for the grief. We lost each other once, we found each other and lost again. I want to get into the fetal position myself and zone all of this out. I am tired and I am scared. And I know that you all have the same moments I have, and my heart is there bleeding with with yours. My life like yours is forever changed by this. Tonight I am not the strong one. I am exactly like him at this moment, lost in a world I can't find my way through and theres no changing the outcome. The people in those pictures are gone.
I, too, have a kitty. They are so much company, although ours is inside/outside and this summer she is outside most of the time. 3 or 4 times a day she will peek in a window and want in for a little while. I think she is making sure someone hasn't taken over her territory. My daughter has a little terrier dog she brings with her when she comes over and out cat pretty much follows her around pretty carefully, protecting her territory. They will play a chase game, but when the one being chased stops and turns around, hackles rise all around.
I have not cried at all. I wish i could cry. I feel a lump in my throat. My chest gets tight and I feel my eyes getting misty. When I try to swallow the lump and talk through it, I get this really angry feeling and my daughter said I look like I'm angry.
When I was 8 years old my parents got a divorce. I was devastated. I was sent to live with an aunt who was not prepared to take on another kid. I was so lonesome. I remember one day I was sitting on her back porch and I started to cry. She came out and wanted to know why I was bawling. I told her I missed my mom and dad. She told me to dry it up. Your mom will be here in about 10 more months. And What kind of a girl are you that would want to talk to someone like your dad.
I don't believe I've ever trulyied since. Not when either of my parents died. When I was told our baby's injury was permanent and all the bad things from that (he had a stroke when he was 9 days old). All of the physical theraphy, 5 kids, everything that goes along with that--no tears. Just get on with it and get it done.
I wish I could cry. Sometimes I watch sad movies and read sad books but nothing happens. I've always wondered what kind of a girl I really am and if I'll ever shed any tears. Sure do wish I could. I know I'd feel better.
Have you started on Lexapro? I of course am on it, otherwise I wouldn't be functioning. Well, Lexapro + this site. My friend who is going through a divorce called me in tears 3 weeks ago, but she was put on Lexapro, and today she called and was miss sunshine. We had some great laughs.
It helped me function, let me focus, let me ignore all that was going on, let me be more tolerant. I have never needed a drug for anything in my life, but this is way past dealing with normal circumstances. Please get the help to deal with this extraordinary circumstance.
I have read your blogs, and I think you are going through a lot worse than I am. & I can hardly cope. My world has turned upside down.
I want you to succeed with this as a business. Your have earned it. You have given it your all. I hope you find advertisers for your site. Otherwise, can we PLEASE make donations, as small as they may be, to keep the site up and running. You are working full time and I think anyone here would contribute if they are able. People are so grateful, And even if it is a small amount, just to keep it up & running. Paypal? There are those who can & those who can't. But those who can, I think would gladly contribute. Don't be afraid of asking.
Joan, my heart just breaks for you. I remember those days so well! I cried almost daily, until I simply ran out of tears. For me it isn't that I can't cry, I can easily. But, I think after so many years of losing Lynn .... inch by inch, grieving each step along the way... it is more I have stealed my heart, to protect it. Due to his sundowning the past 3 years, I tuned part of me out, so the things he said and did, didn't hurt me as deeply.
Nikki-things will be more difficult for you at the end. I can only remember rages and terrible behavior and feel disconnected with this person I do not know.
I used to cry all the time, about everything. Even after my husband went into the carehome, I cried. The last 2-3 months, though, the tears just aren't there. I am still sad that he has gone away from me (even though he still breathes), but I just don't cry anymore. It is like I am all cried out!
Judi, you might want to find some of Sandi's older posts. She got to the same stage you are in about the same point in her husband's journey. It might help to see that what you are feeling is pretty much normal if you've done a lot of grieving before the end stages come.
There is a lot of time to grieve with this disease, and a lot of reasons to grieve. Not too surprising that there isn't much grief work to do by the time the end comes.
And yes, even those of us who haven't reached that point understand.
I have never been able to master my emotions. Just when I think I am all cried out, out of the blue I find myself falling apart all over again. Reaching this stage, where I know I need to place him, I fear has the power to destroy me. Oddly, it is not the shell I feel badly about placing, it is the ghost of my husband who left me long ago. He has been gone so damn long, you would think I was done with the grieving. But, nope..... just trying to say it out loud that I have to put him in a nursing home .. to his family or mine, I can't stop the tears. God I hate this frigging disease!
Nikki)))))) you keep putting it in writing everyday here..it will help affirm what you are feeling. those of us who have followed and feel we know you and care for you, know in our hearts too- that with all your own physical and mental stresses you are having its definately time to make some choices soon. i have felt kindred spirit with your journey parallel with my own many times. but your own personal problems now take priority over your Lynn at this point. he will be in constant decline now but you have a choice to heal and take some needed time for yourself now. Stress on top of real physical issues are taboo for caregivers. we are here to support you and want you to take the bull by the horns and stand strong in face of the adversary now.. hold steadfast in your committment, we understand completely the need here. Divvi
Well hell, now you have me crying! But, in a good way. ((Divvi)) I too have always felt connected to you, that our paths and wants were much the same. The want is still there..... but yes you are right... I do know it is time to save myself. You gave me strength just now, and I can't thank you enough. Much love, Nikki
Nikki, divvi couldn't have said it better. YOU deserve to live. You are so young to be handling all of this. It is really no longer a choice, but a necessity. Your health can't take much more, no need to martyr yourself. You have demonstrated your love, and you don't need to sacrifice yourself to prove it.
I haven't been on for several days and am catching up. Nikki, I am so sorry for what you are going through, and divvi said it beautifully (as always) and I agree wholeheartedly with your comment and Kitty's. Much love to the three of you!
Nikki I'm a relatively new member but not new to this mess we're swimming upstream in. I read and heard your anguish about NH placement and boy do I relate. How did you decide? I look at FS and sometimes he looks like he used to but too often now he doesn't look like anyone i even know!! The power to absolutely control someone's life is overwhelming. I agree with all the comments on not being a martyr. But I also feek it may be better for HIM to be in a place ( a nice place) where others are like you are. I kinda have a tentative plan to have him go overnight and back home, then making the stays longer. I have the luxury of having a private care facility with only 6 clients and I can pay for a room and use it as needed. I don't know if this is best or not. Right now I have a caregiver who is one of the owners of the home, come in and stay with FS 3 to 4 times a week and sometimes they go to the care home. What do you gals think? Usually there's something funny to share but this one is too final to quip about -------- Now I'm crying!!
Awww Sally, so sorry this got you crying, hard not to isn't it. I think it is very personal for each of us. I was DETERMINED to keep him home. He is abusive, but I kept thinking it would get better and I could handle it. He is getting worse in every area, even so.. I would still keep him home if I could. The deciding factor for me is my own health. Caring for him is literally killing me. I had another TIA stroke. I have had too many too count these past 2 years. My doctor got firm and said flat out the next one may kill me. Sadly it has come to him or me... at 41, I thought it might be time to fight for me. Still.... it sucks!!
We are here to support you Sally ((hugs)) The private facility seems really nice!!! If I had that I would have used it long ago. I think we all will reach the point I am now at some point.. you do your best for as long as you can.. then you just have to let others take over part of the burden to save yourself. Hopefully, most will not wait as long as I did!!!! I can clearly see I waited entirely too long. As ((Divvi)) said, your body lets you know, before your mind can accept it. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers , Nikki
Well, i watched both of these again, and if you want to boo-hoo like a baby (or say you cant cry) go to Parentswish.com and listen to this VERY moving clip sung by josh grogren. its so very beautiful andi think it quite appropriate for us caring for AD spouses as well. i warn you get your kleenex --
plus i just watched the last 30min of Ghost movie with patrick swayze..boohed thru that as well. my cup runneth over today, one of those days i guess..Divvi