My Dh was going through some papers and came across his divorce papers from his first marriage. He had a terrible night and this morning told me that the reason was because he feels so guilty about the divorce. He said he shouldn't have let it happen and should have stayed. I felt like my heart was being torn apart. We have been married for 45 year and I guess I was mistaken but I thought we had a good one until he started to show signs of dementia. We did everything together, traveled and enjoyed many activities and functions. How do I get passed this heart break?
Jazzy, I would not take it personally. Seeing the divorce decree and her name may have triggered a thought in his regressing mind from beyond 45 years ago. I would also be devious and make the document "disappear" if it upsets you. You deserve to feel good. I always felt like I was just a stranger caretaker in my late DH's life for the last few years. You know, the one that got to attend all those useless meetings. Keep your chin up and carry on as the caring caregiver you have always been. Sending you a big ((hug)).
Thank You Alim Papers are in shredder. I am just so tired of being the bad one. His kids, his ex wife, just anything now is all my fault. He has good care, I take him out twice a week, I am saving money not spending but it just never is good enough. I bought a nice cherry red storage bench for the end of the bed for my Yorkie to be safe jumping up and down and I was berated for this foolish purchase. I spent some money to buy myself a Jim shore angel as I had a really bad Christmas. It arrived two days before Christmas and I again got told what for for wasting money. I guess I am just tired of 18 years of this. I told my son tonight that I will be very happy the day I walk into his room and he says" who the hell are you" That way when Jazzy gets berated I can just let it go and be this new person he doesn't blame everything on.
Oh Jazzy, so sorry about this. Makes me glad hb is estranged from his.kids. How dare.anyone berate you for buying something for yourself and your Yorkie! 18 years??? I too am.sending you a big ((hug)).
I hope you really did not shred them. After my sister's third husband died I think it was SS (may have been VA) that wanted to see the divorce papers from her first two marriages. I'm not sure but it either had to do with SS benefits paid, whether her benefit check would increase (which it did based on her first husband's SS benefits) or it had to do with the VA. I can't remember, but I do know she was glad she had kept them. In fact, she not only had to produce the divorce papers but the marriage license. That turned out to be a chore since the county had misfiled it way back in 1952. Took three months to track it down which turned out to be in a city in the next county over. Thankfully I don't have divorce papers to deal with but I did order certified copies of our marriage license after something that was said her a couple years ago.
As for the hurt, my heart goes out. I know how I felt when his parents use to tell me they planned on him marrying Susan after he got out of the Navy. They never let me forget. Then when he had the affair - well you know how it can sting. I do you see you are aware there will probably be a time when he doesn't recognize you but will ask for the first wife. I think many of us start putting up the walls to be more ready when the time comes.
(((hugs))) and hang in there.
I will add her situation was she was the divorced one but I do know she also had to produce the death certificate for her husband's first wife. Why I have no idea. We both thought it weird.
Hi Jazzy, it's good to "see" you again. I wouldn't let it upset you that he is talking about his first wife that way, or that he is criticizing your purchases. It is the dementia talking.
One thing, though. As Charlotte said, you really need to hold onto that divorce judgement. Anything like that: marriage licenses, divorce papers, death certificates, records of military service--don't destroy them even though you're pretty sure you don't need them. When he dies, you may well need them in terms of proving that you are eligible for certain benefits.
It was the separation agreement "HE" had the office at his LTC shred. I have the original divorce papers and birth certificate. I won't be telling him have them. Last night he accused me of going into one of his storage areas on his computer. He was so mean sounding. it was like I was being accused of snooping into his private world. Strange behaviour as I had to change all my passwords so he couldn't mess up the finances. I have nothing he can't see but I just won't let him manipulate our accounts. It looks like he is now having trouble using the computer. My Dr. this morning sort of restricted my contact for awhile so I can settle down. He is not going to like that. I am to take a break. I guess Saturday or Sunday visit will not happen. I think I will be sick. Dementia Fibblettes!!!! Hugs &Thanks Jazzy
Hi Jazzy, I'm sorry this hurt you so much. But, surely, you're not going to deny that you had 45 years of a good marriage just because of something your now-demented husband said. He is not able to be the same person that you married. You've been under the stress of this disease for much too long, and going forward, you really need to protect yourself from his mean streak. Your doctor's advice sounds good. And in the future, don't tell him about things you buy. If you had not told him about the bench and the angel, he would not have known about them. As they say on TV, "Anything you say can and will be used against you!"