I'm writing this because I'm frustrated and stressed. Background: My h was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment about 10 years ago and took meds to help slow down any potential deterioration. He quit those meds a couple of years ago and of course has aged too, (he's 75, I'm 60, and we've been married 20+ years). Now he has trouble with his computer, the TV remote, etc., and he can't remember last Christmas. Because he can't remember he thinks we haven't spent the holiday with his adult kids/grandkids for several years. We've actually spent the last 3 years with them. THis year I said I'd like to spend Christmas with my elderly mother and sister. He became quite angry so I attempted to remind him that we were with the kids and told some of the memories of the last couple of years - what the grandkids did, etc. He said he remembered it differently so I asked what he remembered. He couldn't remember anything from last holiday I finally realized. That was upsetting enough for me but then he said he'd have to ask his daughter what we did last year - that blew me away. Why would he ask her instead of trusting me? I guess I just needed to vent...this has to be the most frustrating disease.
Wow - hugs. Sorry you are going through this and it will only get worse. We all have been there. I don't think my husband has any memory of who our grandkids are because when I mention them he gets this 'look' on his face and in his voice. I all fairness because of his illness and not wanting to be around them, we have not seen them in years. Our oldest is 19.
Do you have pictures that are dates of last year or the years before? If so, that may help. Remember besides their memory going, they have no reasoning ability - at least not reasoning as we do.
If he insist on going with his daughter maybe she will agree to taking him so you can spend it with your mother and sister.
do not worry - vent away. We all need it, need to do it with ones who understand and are safe.
Yes, Charlotte is right--just go ahead and vent, Just Thinking. That sounds so much like what we went through, too. Frustrating and hurtful to say the least--not that they can help it. But it drives you crazy.
Hi JustThinking. That's a lot like our situation. My hb is 74 and I am 63. Married 35 years. We are 5-8 years into this process. He has no idea anything is wrong. If I mention Alzheimer's or infer that he might not know how to do something it can get dangerous for me. The upside for him is that he is generally happy. He has no idea how much he has trashed my life. Has no idea why I might be frustrated.
But I don't know what is worst. I think it is Aug44 whose husband is aware of what is happening and has been placed in a care facility recently and he sobs uncontrollably. Her stories are heart wrenching.
This is a good place to vent. No matter how many times I complain about the same things that no one can do anything to stop, these people here are not only willimg to listen, they frequently have fascinating ideas to improve things even a little teensy tiny bit. I find myself saying things like "My friend Charlotte.said this....." I haven't met these people from all over the world, but they are now my friends. And people like Mary75* - the asterisk means her husband is no longer with us - Mary hangs around with us to encourage we who are in the trenches. Can you imagine? How generous is that? She has a heart of gold. Oh and Elizabeth is a nurse with personal experience. Priceless.
Charlotte - yes, pictures might help and he could be with his daughter and I could go be with my mom. Those are awesome thoughts. And thanks to Mary75 and elisabeth9/2/14 for the encouragement to vent and their thoughts. bhv - my husband knows he's having memory issues but he seems totally clueless about changes in judgement and coping with stress, all of which have drastically changed our ability to socialize together. We'll never be invited back to some of our newer friends' homes or events.
This is a wonderful place for me and I so appreciate all of your responses.
Life has some good things in it where even perfect strangers support each other. It was so valuable to me to be able to talk to others who understand already and read about their lives in a similar situation which helped me understand my own. Even as I felt completely alone, I was shown that I wasn't. Charlotte's picture idea sounds good.
I was re-reading the beginning of the Christmas Lodge and found this paragraph from Wolf.
"I'm thinking of starting a clinic. It's for newly diagnosed AD couples. Only the spouse gets to go. The entire time is spent hitting the spouse with a nerf bat until the spouse gets really angry. Then I explain that I'm teaching them to get beat up without reacting normally because that's the skill you need. In fact it would be helpful to stop thinking of yourself as a person for quite some time."
Last night I decided to try again to read Joan's beginning blogs. I hadn't been able to get it to work before. Wow. I need to read more, but slowly because it really feels like being beat up to do too much at once. But yesterday afternoon when hb started berating me for trying to help get him cleaned up (yet again, I mean, really, does he think I like cleaning dried up poop from his privates???) I found myself looking him in the eye and saying that it is so frustrating that you just can't seem to understand that I am trying to help you. I just stood there keeping eye contact and waited. I remembered a training session at the office on aging where they had us ask a question and the partner had to wait 30 seconds to respond. It is an incredibly long time. They said that's how long it takes an AD person to process what you said. I was amazed to see him visibly calm down as we stood there. Then we went upstairs and got him shaved and cleaned up and in new clothes.
I appear to be in a calming cycle fornthentime being. But he continues to stalk me. I guess he feels more secure near me. I have always been a loner. This is WAY too much togetherness. By supper time I am so stressed I am about to explode and he comes in the kitchen to stand there watching me getting in my way and stirring the food when it should just sit there. Once again we ended up eating mush because he couldn't resist "helping" when I turned my back for 5 seconds. That's the nerf bat treatment every evening.
Quoting bhv: I just stood there keeping eye contact and waited. I remembered a training session at the office on aging where they had us ask a question and the partner had to wait 30 seconds to respond. It is an incredibly long time. They said that's how long it takes an AD person to process what you said. I was amazed to see him visibly calm down as we stood there.
Thank you for this reminder. Wishing everyone smooth holidays, Carol
Nah, more like about 10 secs to forget. But we can get him dressed this way. But once in a great while something sticks in there and hours later or even the next day he will say he was thinking about something and offer an opinion.
Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeming - that was me tonight when again I had to go searching for the toy I play with the cat. He picks it up and puts it 'away'. After an hour I thought I should look in the closet and there it was! There are still two sticks that I left on the bed a few months ago that I have not found. They are clear - those clear plastic wands that are used to pull curtains open/closed. I mean, how many places in a MH is there to put something? I blame it on them being clear but one is about 3 feet long the other about 2.
Maybe he put the curtain rods in the trash? Or up somewhere high, where he can easily reach but you can't? (Don't know how tall you both are, but guys tend to be taller.) In terms of the cat's toys, I would buy a duplicate or two of her favorites, so if it gets lost/destroyed whatever...you have another one put away somewhere.
I had to laugh as I read some of these, saying me too :) Knowing we're not the only ones doing this dance makes it easier to cope. No one would believe the things that happen, even if I wanted to discuss it with a friend, which I wouldn't do out of courtesy to him. Our sons have families and live all across the country and I do talk to them but still would not relate the intimate details of our life. Even if he didn't know, or didn't remember, I would feel like I betrayed him somewhat -- yet here, everyone has been there, done that, and got the T-shirt to prove it.
oakridge, I so understand. When my partner was doing strange things, and I obviously needed support my minister suggested I attend the grief support group which the church held. After all I was grieving, even if the grief meant losing a little part of her everyday. It did not work at all. I did feel too that I was betraying her if I raised my concerns or told my stories. I only attended one meeting. This website was a godsend. People got it. It was a safe venue. And in this context with everyone understanding I never once felt I was betraying her. People here knew that we were both doing the best we could, even when our best was far far from perfect They offered the love and support I needed. I do hope you get this same support here. I lost my partner in September. And perhaps now I will join that church grief group. Welcome to this page.
Believe it or not, the only broom is outside under the motorhome. It is used to sweep the driveway and patio. The only broom I have is a little whisk broom kept in the cupboard under the kitchen sink.
Oakridge's,comment that we have the t-shirt to prove it got me to thinking, What would my shirt say or what art should be on it? ideas any one? Not too serious on this AD trail.
I can't think of anything to do with Alzheimers that I'd want to wear on a T-shirt. And I've been trying to think of something since Rodstar first asked the question. Divvi used to call herself the Poop Queen...but who would want that on a T-shirt? I'm still pondering...probably it should not be anything directly related to Alzheimers, but should be inspirational. Maybe "Hope. Dream. Believe." With some stars on it, or maybe flowers...or a moon and stars.
I have never wore a tee shirt with any words on it. Just my choice. I was not tryin to be facetious, but was just curious. Something postive but, how would or could you narrow thought to Alzheimer's spouse caretakers? one catchy and serious.