Been telling lies for two days now. Had to pretend to be my partner in order to straighten out the electric bills and the gas bill, and I then continued to pretend to be her to close a credit card that was apparently still active in spite of not being used for six years. I've been working on trying to change the utility bills for two months now. It was complicated some by our having two electric companies - a solar one as well as the regular grid. And nobody would talk to me because I was not her. They wouldn't talk to me unless I showed them that I was her executor. Would they change the bill to paper? Not without her authorization, or that of her executor. Well it is costly and time consuming to activate a will with no estate just to pay a few final utility bills. Hoping today I was talking to someone who I had never talked to before I wrote down her social security number and tried again. I told them I was her. And voila. Job done. I hope.
Way to go, lindyloo! I got some good advice once -- forgiveness is often much easier gotten than permission, and I expect that would apply even if you got caught fibbing.
I would have a hard time convincing people that I am Lisa. lOL. I have been having the same problems just got credit card renewals and Lisa is primary holder so I cannot cancel her card. Have wanted to change a number of things as she use to handle most of those issues, cell phones, credit cards etc. So to try and change anything is just a pain right now for me I just leave them the way they are just easier. You lindylou on the other hand are in a different situation. Good luck and don't get frustrated.
Rona, My suggestion is to take care of much of this stuff now while you durable power of attorney works. Otherwise they will want proof you are her executor of her will.. But maybe that would not be an issue for you. My partner had no estate and the expense and time of going to probate court and getting certified as her executor seemed a bit extreme to get final electric and gas bills. I really thought she and I had taken care of everything, but since bills were on automatic withdrawal I did not realize they were in her name as well.
I just added that to my to do list. I have been working with a financial advisor with the company I have my Ira with and one of the trust accounts. I recently sent them our powers of attorney so if something happens to me and Jim inherits my IRA, my brother will just have to call and send death certificate or proof of my incompetence in order to manage the assets for hb's benefit. Well they gave my brother access to view my accounts. He sent me en email saying he logged on to his accounts and saw more money that he could imagine. We had been talking about this, but actually seeing it shocked him. I think we can fix that on Fri. He doesn't need to view anything now. I hope they didnt give him transaction authority! He said he won't even log on til I get it fixed. This stuff is so complicated.
Just the other day I called the auto club to remove hb from primary since he can't drive. They said since he is primary I'd have to get his permission. I said well he has Alzheimers. He is not aware of that. He doesn't know he cannot drive. If I put him on the phone it will be very upsetting for all of us. She decided she could get it done without speaking to him. I am hoping I can use the same tactic with the other bills. I was going to just let it ride since I handle everything online, but, Lindylou, I obviously better take care of it now. Thanks for sharing!
I agree with the others and all you did was get done what you had to get done a different way.
There are probably four areas we want to know our situation in and I'm counting: joint accounts with survivorship, beneficiaries, powers of attorney, and the executor/will. Each company has it's own policies and each state/province has it's own determinations. We have a lot on our plates, but anything we can do to pin down the facts on what things in those four categories apply to us, the less we will have to hunt them down when we really need them. I would also start putting all important papers like that in a really good hiding place. Dianne had a way of getting into unexpected things and doing unexpected things to them without warning. I still have a bathroom door with a lovely abstract in nail polish. It's a Dianne original where I would have to sand that door down and repaint it - except that I don't have a sander and am exceedingly unlikely ever to buy such a thing. Instead I'll take $200 off the selling price of the house. Job done and the abstract expressionism is free.
A number of times I forged Dianne's signature. It was easier.
I am fortunate that all utilities are in my name since we settled here. The CCs that are in my husband's name - I have never activated his card but use the one with my name on it. I know women who leave it in their husband's name, especially utilities, even after death so people do not know they are alone. My sister never changed utilities to her name for that reason.
If they are online I would think there is a place to cancel cards. Or how about just cutting them up when they come and sending them back with a note to cancel?
A few years ago we had a CC with Bank of America. They raised the interest rate for no reason. When I called to try and lower it and they wouldn't, I made the comment 'I just might cancel it then you won't get any money out of me'. They cancelled it and it was a card in my husband's name. I have two cards in only my name that I use most of the time. I do charge repairs to the motorhome then transfer balance to the Discover Card because they offer 12 months interest free. The small transfer fee they charge is far less than what the interest would be.
For those who are still early in this start opening up credit cards in your name only - build your own credit. I found that joint CC accounts do not show up on my credit history or at least not the few times I have checked. If need be make sure you have authority on accounts in his name (or her's). Two years ago when we switched the Charter account to his name to keep the internet introduction price, they put me as administrator so I could control it all.
Wolf - when we sold one of our homes, my daughter had drawn this horse mural on her wall with 'chalk'. It ruined the carpet but I never thought once about reducing the price for the mural or ruined carpet.
Nice thing when you do financials online, it is easy to pretend to be your spouse.
I think a "fiblet" is a lie you tell to a dementia patient in order to manage them. (I notice people do this all the time with children, too, but that doesn't seem to bother them.) I did not tell "fiblets." I either told my husband the truth (as I understood it) or a lie, or dodged the issue altogether. As far as dishonesty to others goes, I think lying is usually wrong and often complicates things. But at times, there are good reasons to do it.
When my husband was alive, several times I pretended to be him on the phone by lowering my voice. A few days after his death, I had to deposit a routine check with both our names on it. Since a POA is not valid after a person dies, to do this the kosher way, I would have had to open an estate. So I just forged his signature. The check was dated before his death, so I figured there was no proof that he did not sign it. This was not a matter of honesty; it was a matter of expediency and not getting caught.
Lindyloo, If you do have to open an estate, you don't need to probate a will. Massachusetts has a simplified procedure for small estates whereby a relative can be appointed as a voluntary administrator to clean up stuff. (I'm guessing most states have something like this.) But utility bills????? These utility companies should be fined for making it so hard for survivors.
I had a similar experience with my late wife. Our cell phone was in her name. Even though I had power of attorney, US Cellular would not let me make any changes in the phone or contract. But after she died, I went to the store and told them she had died. With no evidence beyond what I said, they let me make all sorts of changes, including putting the phone in my name with the same number.
After reading these posts for the past couple days, it occurs to me that this is why it is so important--once you realize you and your spouse are in a dementia situation--to get their name off everything. I was so, so, so fortunate that early in our marriage, long before it was ever needed, Larry gave me a durable power of attorney to handle everything. When the time came, I had that piece of paper, and so could gradually get rid of his credit cards and get his name off all our joint stuff. Another lucky thing was that our attorney and our tax man were also good friends of long standing. They were well aware of the situation, and knew I was not just being a gold digger or a grabber. When I needed to sell a car or (later) the house--his name was already off the titles and the deed. And I always had credit in my own name--my own credit cards--we never did have any joint credit cards. I don't recall that there were ever any issues with the utility bills--by the time he died in the Heartland, they were all in my name, not his. And there was no estate or property to probate, because his will clearly left everything to me--and he didn't own anything anyway, by the time he died.
I'm just thinking that if married couples took care of things in advance, there wouldn't be probate issues or utility bill hassles...whatever...after the ill spouse dies.
One thing that always made our personal finance easier, though, was that we had a rough financial equality. Nobody was the "poor relation" to the other one. We just threw everything into the pot and shared and shared alike.
Very good advice here thank you everyone. Think I better start and get these things switched over seems like a hassle but sounds like be easier now than later.
One thing that came in very helpful was a signature stamp of my husband's signature that I salvaged from his office. I transferred most everything to my name, but there were occasional documents, odd checks, etc. that needed to be signed and I just stamped his name on them.
Marche, a signature stamp - what a great idea! But most of us don't have one... And I was never good at forging his signature.
Fortunately, I have his Power of Attorney & his Mandate In Case of Incapacity. I checked with our notary after he was diagnosed & I have all the necessary papers to take care of everything.