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  1.  
    For the past year my DH has been accusing members of the family of stealing from him. Now keep in mind that there is nothing to tempt even the most desperate thief, but invariably after a visit from family he starts looking through his things. This has become easier over the past months because he has gathered all the luggage, some boxes, etc. and packed everything he considers valuable in these. And he considers everything belonging to him valuable. Even some things I inherited from my family have become his. I could probably deal with the paranoia over his "valuables", but he most often accuses me of stealing from him. Last night he got so wound up he was yelling at me to "get out of here". Our daughters had to take his pistols and have the firing pins removed because he had taken to waving them around, cocked! I don't know how to handle this, except go in the bathroom and cry. The stress from his actions is almost unbearable. I don't know if this is to be expected from someone with this horrible disease, surely this cannot be unique to my DH. He was diagnosed five years ago. Our lives started to started to fall apart when he lost his job, and have gone from bad to unbelievably, yet predictably, worse.

    I feel like I don't even know him. Who is this person who disrupted our happy life, and caused us to lose everything? I'm sure I don't know.

    I don't know if anyone will read this, but it makes me feel better just getting it out of my head and into the light of day.
  2.  
    I am in tears for you. Wish I had the words to make this go away. All I can offer is (((Hugs))). Others will be along to offer more help. Sometimes the weekends are quiet, don't give up. Help well be along soon. I never really had this kind of trouble. Plenty of other kinds though.

    I am so sorry this is happening to you, just keep anything he could use as a weapon out of his reach. Kitchen knives, etc.

    Again sending you (((Hugs)))
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      CommentAuthormary75*
    • CommentTimeDec 2nd 2017
     
    Many of us have experienced this. Would medication help him? I'd talk to his doctor, at least make him aware of it. If I remember correctly, this phase passed, but it was hell while it lasted.
    • CommentAuthorRodstar43
    • CommentTimeDec 2nd 2017
     
    Hello Samantha, hang on, It is a shame this paranoia thing is bad for some and hell for others. My heart goes out to you. At least my DW wife only accuses the staff here at the assisted Living center of taking a painting or ceramic. Not like you have it.
    hang on, remeber, it is not him.
  3.  
    He is on medication, and is much worse when he doesn't take it. His doctor is aware and suggested calling the police to have the guns taken away. That is not a viable solution. We took the bullets out when he was busy with something else, only to find he has bullets stashed everywhere. The only thing I could think of was to remove the firing pins. He carries a knife and a derringer every single day strapped onto his belt. If you were to ask him why, and many have, his answer is that he carries them to protect me. I don't know from who or what. It is scary to think of what might happen just because he thinks he is "protecting" me. I think I need protection from him. He is so gun oriented, and I was so worried over them, it never occurred to me to worry about the knives! I hope this phase does pass, just hope that what replaces it is not worse. Thanks for the ((Hugs)), I sure can use them.
    • CommentAuthorbhv
    • CommentTimeDec 2nd 2017
     
    Holy mackerel Samantha. Removing the firing pins was brilliant. I got my brother in law to take the long guns and put in his safe perhaps to sell. Hb hasn't asked about them. I locked up the hand guns in a couple little safes. Don't believe he would know how to find them or how to open them if he did.

    You might get his doctor to try.a.different med or dosage since things sound worse. This is not unique. When the brain is confused the person searches for a reason for the discomfort. They can develop very elaborate paranoid theories. Since this is so dangerous for you, the only thing is to find enough medication to control it.

    Since I got cornered once and punched a couple of times I am careful not to be boxed in any more since who knows when he will go off. I have turned the guest bedroom into a safe room. I can lock it. Since he found me there the other night and I hadn't locked it I might get one of those things to bar a hotel room door. Usually if the door is closed he doesn't look there. Just when you think you are safe, things change. I have a number of things I like in that room so I can entertain myself. Usually it s only about 15 minutes before it is a whole new world for him.

    I have some things in a bag in my trunk. I have two neighbors I can stay with if I need to leave. I can walk there if need be. I have a list of things like chargers, tablets etc to gather up in case I have the time to grab some things. Once I left and went to the movies. You can hide out there for quite some time even late at night. Because it takes me a whole lot longer than 15 minutes to get over it. And do not even talk to me about not taking things personally.

    I don't know if it is safe to leave your hb alone for that long. Mine doesn't wander or play with the stove or fire so I think he is safe to leave. If they play with the stove, some people take the knobs with them when they go out or sleep.

    But the way he is acting is such a threat to you it may not matter if he is safe alone or not. You need to get out or have a safe, locked room to retreat to.

    You might try making some of the guns disappear one at a time, say to daughter's house. Just shrug shoulders when asked about it. Might have to wait awhile for that until he has more memory loss. It is really difficult to learn to make decisions for both of you all on your own. Also pretty difficult to learn to lie. It takes practice. I don't like to do it, but sometimes it is the only solution. Everyone here is pretty unanimous in favor of strategic lying.
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      CommentAuthormary75*
    • CommentTimeDec 2nd 2017 edited
     
    While I was typing the below, bhv posted some excellent advice:

    Some have notified their local police department of the situation. I hope they'll check in and offer their thoughts. One thing I know for sure is that you need to protect yourself above all. Protect your back. Keep your cell phone on you. I used to keep an overnight bag packed in the trunk of my car so that I could leave immediately. Interesting, when I returned, he said hadn't noticed I'd gone. In time, I did take away the gun. I was afraid he would shoot my son coming in the front door,at midnight, thinking that son was a burgler. Husband was furious for a very long time. But the next phase was easier for me. He'd lost the aggression, along with diminished abilities. Hugs from me, too.
    • CommentAuthorbhv
    • CommentTimeDec 2nd 2017
     
    Several people have had bad experiences when calling the police. One lady I know was "forced" by the sheriffs to place her husband because she had called them too many times. One lady got sent to a mental hospital cause the cops thought she was suicidal and they left the alzheimer spouse home alone and the hospital wouldn't let her call someone to go take care of him. Thankfully (or maybe not so thankfully) he survived her absence and didn't notice she was gone for something like three days!

    Samantha, my Brother in Law is retired LAPD. I can ask him some questions completely off the record if you want. Not sure what.state you are in. Laws can be very different.

    I write a letter to his doctor to tell what has changed and I documented the aggression that way. I have also told some family members. I think if something happened and he was injured or killed, having documentation of his aggression might help with a self defense claim. Relationships with kids can be difficult because sometimes they don't see their father being the ogre alzheimer person and might not believe Mom. Sounds like Samantha's daughter is more helpful than that, so that could be a good thing.

    I have been learning to keep my voice more calm and try not to push his buttons (except for last Thursday night). And, like I said, I don't get myself cornered. Oh yeah, and that night he punched me was the last time he had a beer. I get only nonalcoholic beer now. I reviewed my judo training. I have an advantage because we weigh about the same and at this point I am an inch taller. He is still stronger and has a longer reach though. But no knife and derringer on his belt thank you very much. He hasn't done any more than threaten for the last six months or more.

    I used to spend much more time in the bathroom crying too. Spoke to my doctor and am on low dose celexa. That helped me not cry so mch and feel more like myself. Have tried other meds and other doses with disastrous results. So this is what I am sticking with. It still pisses me off to medicate myself because he is sick though!
  4.  
    I did move into the guest room, I was getting punched too much during the night. Moving into a separate room was the only way I could get any sleep. And there is a lock on the door. When the guns were operable I used to lock the door, but sleep on the floor in case he shot through the door. Now I just lock the door. I am careful not to get into a cornered position when he has lost it for some reason. Friends and family are always telling me, remember this isn't really him. Well it looks like him, walks like him, wears his clothes, and uses his voice. I can tell myself it isn't really him all I want, but it sure is hard to believe! The only difference is I know my DH would not cuss me, call me names, throw things, or tell me to get out. I don't know who this guy is pretending to be my DH. Another problem, we live in a mountain cabin. Two miles over a mountain to the highway, then 16 miles to a town. No neighbors, lots of animal life, bear, deer, etc. but they sure can't help me. I am going to take the idea of keeping an overnight bag in the car. Thanks so much for your input. It helps so much just to know there are others in my position, and I'm not alone. I am going to have to do something about those knives though! It never ends does it?
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      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeDec 2nd 2017
     
    There was a lady here a few years ago that locked all the knives up- even kitchen knives like steak, paring, etc. You have to do whatever you can to keep YOU safe.

    I know many agree - I am sick and tired of hearing it is not him but the disease! We know and don't need reminding!
  5.  
    Samantha ..........

    It always amazes me that so many of our afflicted spouses seem to feel that we are stealing from them.

    My Helen was well into dementia but was still continent. Her favorite purse was always a big deal to her and she would continually hide it. Sometimes it would be missing for a week before I would find it in a very unusual place. She would accuse me of steeling it, or of steeling her money out of it. I kept a few one dollar bills in her wallet so she could see that she did have some money, but I would have to show them to her because she could never find them herself.

    From your writing, I can tell that you're a very strong girl and I know that you'll get through this OK. I'm glad that you found us here on Joan's little website
    • CommentAuthorbhv
    • CommentTimeDec 2nd 2017
     
    I sort of learned something during my last rant -.see Taking the day and night off. I am separating the alzheimer guy who lives here from the remnant of my husband who lives here sometimes. If my husband appears my voice is much nicer and patient. If Alzheimer ogre is here I choose which type of caregiver I am at the moment and communicate only what is necessary. My voice sounds different. There are no smiles for that guy. I don't care how much all the social workers tell me how much the alzheimer ogre likes smiles. I don't care! He doesn't get any smiles any more.

    It is funny the other night he demanded an explanation why I wouldn't come upstairs and I said it won't make any difference to explain cause you have alzheimers like your mother and you don't think anything is wrong and I have just had more than enough today I am not changing my mind and I am not saying I am sorry. Hows that for a run on sentence? Then looked at him and said you don't understand a word I just said do you? He said he understood more than I think. Surprisingly he sat there for a bit and asked me one more time to come upstairs and I said no. He went up and he stayed there that time. For two days now he is behaving differently. No threats. No cursing. Still following me but more likely to leave when I stare at him.
    • CommentAuthorbhv
    • CommentTimeDec 2nd 2017
     
    Samantha, put together a go bag and hide a car key near the car tomorrow and find a place to go that you can do even at two in the morning. Even if you never use it, it will give you confidence.
    Sleeping on the floor in case he shot through the door! Oh Samantha, wish we were neighbors to provide safe harbor for each other.

    Samantha, check oit our thread about the cottage on the lake. Instead of crying in the bathroom, bring a tablet and come to the cottage. We can sit on the end of the dock and dangle our feet in the water and have a sip of wine or iced tea and have each others back. There s a wonderful path through the woods where the dirt is so soft we can walk barefoot. The treeas arch over the path giving us dappled sunlight. It is always summer at the cottage on the lake.

    But soon, maybe even now, it is time for the Christmas lodge. I have no idea how I would have gotten through last holiday season without the Christmas Lodge. I suggest you start at the beginning. It has been going for a long time. I frequently go to the beginning of it just to read what Wolf wrote when he created it. It is a wonderland. Then use Wolf's tip for reading threads with milions of comments -you can tapor click on the words "Last Comment By" and you will go to the bottom. This is a wonderful time saver.

    Hugs Samantha.
    • CommentAuthorCarolVT
    • CommentTimeDec 3rd 2017
     
    Samantha, there is another support site that you can join also. It is www.ftdsupportforum.com. Although the ftd part comes from "fronto temportal degeneration", the site includes a wider array of dementias since diagnosis is never certain. It includes people from all over the world, and is a informed, compassionate group very protective of privacy. There are many threads on specific behaviors. You will be heard there also.
  6.  
    Thank you all. George... I am trying very hard to be strong, but oh boy, it gets harder as time goes by.

    I read the threads of "the cottage on the lake", and "the Christmas lodge". They were wonderful! I read them in bed, waiting for HB to stop going through his "luggage" and settle down. Last night was the first time I have slept all night in I don't know how long. I know it was the idea of having a great place to go with good friends, good food, and fun times, even if it was all in my mind, it was amazing.

    I can't tell you all the difference joining this website has made. At last, I'm not alone. Whew! what a relief. It astounds me how few people there are that you can actually tell what horrors have happened to you that day. And I am the first to admit that sometimes HB can be hilarious. But most of the time if he is in a good mood, he is glued to my hip. Follows me everywhere, every time I turn around I run into him. This happened last week, I turned and walked right into him. There we were, face to face, nose to nose.
  7.  
    Without a moments hesitation, he said, "Well, is this a waltz or a foxtrot?" Maybe that's how you get through this, shoot for the good times, and few as they may be, remember them.