bhv, When I made a list (in my mind) of the things I did to help my partner, I was like you in that there was no doubt in my mind that I could do each of the things that she needed help with or done for her. The problem was not with the individual components of care. I could do each of them. I just could not do ALL of them ALL of the time and still survive as myself. I was very self-protective through out the entire journey.
Providing dementia care 24/7 365 days a year is not just overwhelming, it is, I believe, nigh impossible to survive intact when done completely alone. And you have shared your signs of burn-out with us. In toto what you are trying to do is just too much. So……………… Experiment with care options. Some will work. Some won’t.
Last week I called a caregiver friend of mine and asked how I could help. She said “I have an aide on Thursday, take me to lunch, I need to get away from here.” So we went for lunch and her husband stayed happily with the aide. My partner on the other hand would accept no direction at home from anyone but me or family - so going out while an aide was present was not an option for me. (She did go to daycare, though.)
Many individuals find accepting the care of an aide or a nurse easier than receiving it from a spouse. Some do not. In my case I found that personal care (like bathing) was much easier done with assist of two, than by myself alone. So I was the aide’s helper.
One important factor in having help in place is that as he needs additional care he will be more familiar and comfortable with having it, if the care has been eased in gradually.
Thanks Lindylou. That helps frame the problem. I still remember the time you went through a typical day at assisted living. You listed a whole bunch of stuff and then said "And we haven't got to lunch yet." When I feel overwhelmed I tell myself to choose which kind of caregiver is most important to be at that moment and I do that and then take a break. Wish I still smoked sometimes, LOL.
Hey Charlotte, I may have got ahead of the diarrhea problem. A week or so ago Mary75 mentioned problems after three years of tolerating Aricept. I was doing some research about that when we had a week from hell. I had decided to wean him off the Aricept. But after a few days of hell I just stopped it. Yes, I called his doctor and he agreed. We have only had one episode since then and I think it was my mistake. I made a favorite recipe with beans. Was trying to figure out if it was just onions or the beans messing with his system. Well I sure got my answer. I now need another recipe file - to save all the recipea I love but can no longer make.
Today is a warm day 57 degrees. By Christmas we are to be in the teens at night so this is the warmth before the freeze! I can't complain because so far it has been a mild winter with lows only in the 20s.
Hb is home today - I kept him home. Others may send their loved one to day care sick but I won't - as much as I want to be alone. His hacking drives me crazy!
Nope. I have traveled that area many times. You go under that railroad bridge and you are going downhill through the Nisqually National Wildlife Preserve. It is a pretty drive but also remote which is why the detours around that area for southbound traffic is so long. Sad it is the first trip over that new route and that it might be another case of going too fast especially if something was on the track. Anyway you look at it another tragic train accident. But, thankfully the train did not have its normal 200 passengers.
Kept him home and I sure have missed my time alone. He definitely will go on Wednesday!
I can't believe this day. It has been 10 days since I stopped the Aricept. No diarrhea except the bean incident. I've been having trouble sleeping. Several nights I woke up with my wrist hurting so much my moaning woke me up. Hb kept patting me telling me it was OK. Interesting... slept late this morning. Woke up when I heard the garage open. Couldn't believe it when I got downstairs and found he had brought in the newspaper and actually left the trash bin out by the curb!!! He hasn't done that in years. Then he took me upstairs to show me something but couldn't make any sense of it. I took the opportunity to get the shaving done. He was almost gleeful about that. He did a better job cleaning his teeth too. Then I suggested he might want to put on clean clothes and he said, yes, he would like that. He didn't fight about changing the underwear. Didn't throw it at me. Was happy with each piece of clothing I handed him. Oh my goodness. He kept pacing around though so I put on some movies. I was afraid what might happen without the aricept, but seems to be perhaps better. Everyone keep our fingers crossed.
That's great, bhv. Maybe he's in a better mood because his guts are not in an upheaval all the time. Alz patients often can't identify the source of their pain or discomfort or even realize that they are suffering from pain or discomfort. So they last out at whoever is there.
bhv, interestng, aericept, diarrhea. My DW has had problem for 3 or 4 years. i stopped the aericept for other reasons. She is complaing less about the diarrhea. At leat I am sooooo lucky that thaT problem she has taken care of herself - so far.
This has happened to another site I belong to, and members there say not to open these scammer posts. Could they compromise our computors in some way? Wolf could know. Charlotte, it appears that we don't have a moderator.
Mary, it doesn't work that way with reading the posts. They're legit companies probably all Chinese who are just trying to get the word out that they make that stuff and then they pay someone probably less than one penny an ad placed. The person plopping them here could be anywhere in the world but is almost certainly an arms length agent because the companies themselves would never waste time putting those ads here.
Opening the links is where you connect to something else and there's no way to tell (because I'm not interested) whether there's some threat in them. They did their job, I did mine, and on we go. Looking at them here is no threat.
Joan has no good options in this as I said before. However, the real information is that about a month or so ago the site went down for a few days and then came back up. Even though Joan is hard to reach at the moment, only she could have restored in on her laptop (I believe she said that she was using a laptop months ago when she did the revamp of the site).
To Myrtle's point I would estimate it takes something like 3000-4500 a year to run this depending on how she has it set up.
Thanks, Wolf. Very interesting! I believe that on the other site I mentioned that they have monitors who clear out the scam early every morning. That site was also down for a day or two. The particular scammer was thought to be Korean.
Watching one of my favorites: Grumpy Old Men. Also like Grumpier Old Men. HB is able to get something out of it - laughing along with the show. Forgot to add, it is one of very few I watch that has profanity in it.
Went to the dentist today. I need a root canal and crown. I looked up online the average cost of root canals and almost had a heart attack. A crown is actually cheaper. Have no idea when I will be able to afford it. guess I will put up with the pain for now.
If you're close to a univeristy with a Dental School, the cost is much less when provided by supervised senior students. Could you ask for some aid from any other source? I think that if you need dental work, the sooner it's done, the better. Could your doctor provide any clues for finacial dental help? Your overall health is affected by dental problems.
No dental schools nearby. Back in the 70s I had my wisdom teeth removed at the UW dental school - $5 a tooth. As for financial - yes they all offer a company that will finance you for a high rate which in that case might as well use a credit card. I am working on finding a dental plan I can afford that will give enough help to offset the price of it.
Sad day today. I will be putting my eldest cat to sleep today. I might have done it last week if my son didn't come home from college on Monday, I wanted him to have some time with her. Just like our spouses, ups and downs, good days and bad days. Start pain medicine and appetite stimulus, suddenly eating a lot for 2 days. Few days later try baby food, eats up a jar quickly, but doesn't show much interest after that. I will miss her but she has lived 10 years longer than a cat with her diagnosis (feline leukemia) and she likely has cancer, but I didn't see any point of a biopsy for her enlarged liver and pancreas. So she has been on palliative care for 2 weeks, just keeping her comfortable. I now think that is no longer possible.
I'm sorry about your cat Paulc. I know how hard that is. I have two older cats myself. That she lived 10 years longer is a blessing, and it really is, but that doesn't change what losing them is like and what having to initiate that is like.
Sad day, indeed. We all love our pets, they become part of our family. One of the most poignant accounts I've ever read is by E.B. White, author of "Charlottes's Webb". It's "Death of a Pig" , first published in the "Atlantic", and you can google it to read it in full. Recently I read in one of E.B. White's books that he was having his own health problems at the time his pig was ailing, hence the great identification with his pet. Here is an excerpt from the beginning. (I hope I'm not violating the copyright.) "Once in a while something slips - one of the actors goes up in his lines and the whole performance stumbles and halts. My pig simply failed to show up for a meal. The alarm spread rapidly. The classic outline of the tragedy was lost. I found myself cast suddenly in the role of pig's friend and physician - a farcical character with an enema bag for a prop. I had a presentiment, the very first afternoon, that the play would never regain its balance and that my sympathies were now wholly with the pig. This was slapstick - the sort of dramatic treatment which instantly appealed to my old dachshund, Fred, who joined the vigil, held the bag, and, when all was over, presided at the interment. When we slid the body into the grave, we both wore shaken to the core. The loss we felt was not the loss of ham but the loss of pig. He had evidently become precious to me, not that he represented a distant nourishment in a hungry time, but that he had suffered in a suffering world. But I'm running ahead of my story and shall have to go back."
Well could not find any dental insurance that would cover the work without a year waiting list. Bit the bullet and applied with that Care Credit that is out there to finance medical and dental bills. So will get the root canal next month and he will put a temp crown on it for now. :-(
Our weather is turning cold. I can feel the difference now. Starting tonight lows in the 20s than teens for Christmas and into the new year. Not looking forward to it. Positive - the clouds should move out with sunshine during the day which will help warm it up in here during the day.
A couple years ago I had a tooth in he back that also needed a root canal and cap. I just had it pulled. you can't see it as it is the 2nd one forward from the wisdom tooth. A couple months ago same story on the other side so I had that one pulled too.
I thought about that. In fact you gave me the courage to think seriously about it. The thought of $2500+ in dental bills is a nightmare. And, not knowing finances because not knowing my hb's progression is another big factor. I sent an email to the doctor asking him to call me about pulling it, so will see what he says.
One of my three brothers always just had his teeth pulled when he needed a root canal and a cap. He didn't have dental insurance, and thought it was ridiculous to pay the prices the root canal and cap would have cost. I don't know what the long term effects into old age would have been--he died at 57. Don't your other teeth drift into the open space? I think I read that somewhere.
Charlotte, have you tried google searching "low cost dental care in Washington State?" It looks as if there are some free clinics and a low cost university clinic as well. Not sure how accessible they are geographically, but it is worth a search. Painful teeth are awful.
I urge you to try and save your tooth. To answer Elizabeth's point about "long term effects into old age", there is no substitute for your own teeth, and your ability to chew and digest your food is best done by your own teeth. Even tooth implants have limitations: it depends on the width of your arch, for example. Besidess, I've heard they are very expensive.
There aren't any around me. I also need to keep in mind before summer I need to buy a new a/c. Both mine leak into the RV and they can't be fixed. Instead of two I will replace the front one with a bigger unit that should cool the whole RV without running two at the same time (unless we get over 110. Then at night I can turn the back on for during the night if need be. It only leaks when run for a long time. That will run about $1500-1800 if I remember. Half of that is the a/c, the other half is labor.
The shortest day of the year and it''s cold here in Vancouver and icey. I live on a steep hill, and it is treacherous to take the car out. As I stand at the kitchen sink washing dishes and looking out the window, I see the cars struggling to make it to the top. They often end up crosswise on the road. However, Winter Solstice does mean now the days start to get longer. Summer is coming. Hold that thought.
When I started my SS in September I thought how nice it would be to have extra money so when expenses on the RV came up we could afford it without running up a lot of debt. I could build the savings back up to have at least equal to one month of his SS. Last night it got so depressing thinking of all I have spent so far on dental and the prospect of a whole lot more. Then there is the a/c that has to be done. And having my SS I decided I would not try to conserve on propane by having to wrap up in blanket cause the electric heater has to go towards hb because he refuses to use a blanket to keep warm. The last few winters when it gets cold it would stay around 62-65 in here. In the mornings when I got up out in the front of the MH the temp would be 54. Sure, I can finance the dental work but then what happens if he is placed or dies? If placed, will medicaid leave me enough to pay the debt? If I can't get enough saved to cover one month of his SS, when he dies it will be tough when they come wanting their money back. I am trying not to stress but that is not easy. My mind is processing all the scenarios - not good. I want to cry but won't. Instead my body is hurting. Oh well. Time will tell what happens.
Hope all is doing well and staying healthy. HB's cold is better and I appeared to escape it - thanks to extra Vit D and echinacea.
mary75, I remember when I lived in Vancouver that most drivers panicked when it snowed since snow was rare (though we had it every winter I lived there). I would drive in my Suburban with snow tires with no problems while I would see many park their cars and walk away in 1/2 inch of snow.
I remember the first winter in New Mexico when I was in the Air Force. They got about an inch of snow in Clovis, and you would have thought it was the blizzard of '75. I --northern girl me--was innocently tooling around on my really good wide-O tires...drove a sports car at that time, a Pontiac Firebird that all my dates wanted to drive, ha-ha. Anyway, all the traffic was doing the slip and slide, cars off the road, people were white-knuckled and panicky--they actually had a couple snow plows out--it was hilarious. I could not believe they were having trouble with that little bit of snow.
Charlotte, have you worked with anybody at your local Office for Aging to try to figure out a way to get your teeth taken care of? Sometimes there are resources out there that are not obvious, but that the Aging case managers might know about. And don't forget, out in the community as the well spouse--if he is placed--you are allowed to keep a certain amount. Check that out with your local OFA, so you know where you'll be financially if he is placed.
It couldn't be more beautiful out there. Every twig and branch and bush is covered in snow. The sky is that warm grey and you can't see far into the gloom because it's snowing and will put down another 5 inches tomorrow. My backyard is full of cardinals, blue jays, chickadees, sparrows, and morning doves. The sparrows come and go and come and go in waves to the bushes and hedges and then back to the feeding piles. There are seven feeding piles because the squirrels come from nowhere and eat all the best stuff. The working people are out there on the last Saturday shopping while I am holed up in my little house without any conceivable reason to go anywhere until after New Years. My sister is out there shopping for the upcoming feast. Three children, seven grandchildren, and a brother who still doesn't come to join in.
I will be going to Myrtana later today. I bought a computer game called Gothic 3 and I'm supposed to be fighting Orcs in this cave outside Geldern but I'm barely surviving the local wildlife at the moment. At 5pm I'm going to watch my Toronto Raptors play basketball. And today, I'm going to make my stew early so that I can look out the window at this winter wonderland in the light and then have dinner watching the game. I don't celebrate christmas much still but I watch my favorite christmas movies and I'm slowly coming around in the same way a glacier melts. I guess. What do I know?
I should be out there 'moving forward' in my life several around me keep saying. Ha! They'll catch on in their own time that I'm already here. I've paid all my dues and I choose to do nothing. Succeeding brilliantly too. I liked before better. A lot better. But I can't imagine why next year won't be easier than this one has been. By doing nothing, I'm getting somewhere.
I could just as easily be depressed zooming around in a light jacket on the autobahn in (I'm guessing) an Audi maybe driving to Zurich or Strasbourg. Maybe looking over some local Roman ruins. But, no. I'm up here in the frozen north even the Americans didn't want because my genius parents saw opportunity in the new world. On the other hand I grew up in the only language with comedy worth learning - English. "Take my wife...please" would just be an unfinished sentence in German or French. They're both beautiful languages and they both have their humor; but, it's English comedy that gets translated because dancing in pliant English is like dancing in full armor in German certainly and French mostly. Who thinks about these things??? I do. I have the time.
I hope these days aren't too hard on anyone, and if they are, I hope they go by quickly.
I've been playing CDs all day for several weeks now. Mostly classical, mostly chamber music actually, but a few symphonies. They've been providing fantastic relief. Haven't gone near any of the vocal music that my partner loved, and absolutely stayed away from the music we played during the last month or so of her life. I also stayed away from Christmas music. These choices were made for self preservation. But today I realized I hadn't listened to any Christmas music (except at the Christmas lodge) and I thought the season will soon be over. So I risked it and put one into the boom box, the Three Tenors. Big mistake. I sang along, heard the anger in my voice, and ended up crying. First Christmas without my love and I miss her so. But I don't want dementia anywhere near me. Grief missing her, anger at what the both of us had to go through together. Full fledged melt down I'm afraid. Guess it is par for the course. I think I'm doing well and then I'm not.
House is clean. I'm cooking tomorrow and will be playing Mozart Horn Concertos on the boom box, not Christmas songs. Twelve people will be knocking on my door the next day. If I had to have a melt down, better today I suppose than Monday.
For Charlotte, I was just reading the AF Retiree Newsletter. Air Force Aid Charity drive going on. You hb is a vet as I remember. Not sure what service. You might want to try these places. What's the worst that can happen? They could say no. But what if they say yes?
The General and Mrs. Curtis E. LeMay Foundation helps widows of all Air Force retirees, both officers and enlisted, through financial grants of assistance. We are not questioning why they need help; we just acknowledge that they need it. We do not offer loans. All funds disbursed are considered to be grants of assistance. We believe that military spouses are entitled to a decent standard of living, entitled to live with dignity, and entitled to be proud of their service. Visit us at www.lemay-foundation.org. Signed, Leana Franklin, COO, LeMay Foundation
The Air Force Aid Society has been meeting the needs of Airmen, retirees, widows/widowers and their dependents for more than 75 years. Our first priority is to provide a grant or no-interest loan to stabilize you in an emergency. In addition, we offer your dependents more than $6M annually in need-based education grants and merit scholarships. Finally, AFAS invests $2M in programs (child care, car care, spouse employment, and more) critical to quality of life. Donate to AFAF and help us continue helping Airmen! To learn more, visit www.afas.org. Signed, Lt Gen (Retired) John Hopper, CEO, AF Aid Society
Charlotte, When you told us about the eagles in southwest Florida I did look them up. It appears that one may be due to hatch today. Should be a happy day for those who watch eagles. You got me hooked this year and I plan to have my computer on today while I cook tomorrow's meal. :)
The eggs were laid 4 days apart. A couple years ago when there were two, the first egg was kept 'cooler' until the 2nd one was laid, then they get serious. This allowed them to hatch only a day apart. It amazes me that they have the instinct to know how to successfully delay the hatching of one egg all determined by how warm they keep it. This includes getting off them so they don't get too hot aka cooked! I haven't been watching all the time but I do get the daily updates on my FB page. If anything exciting happens it is posted including videos of the events.
Got down to 12 last night. Thankfully the lows are going to be in the 20s now instead of teens. It was so nice to keep the furnace turned up so I didn't have to worry about hb's feet or for me to keep warm. Unfortunately in the slide where I sit it doesn't get warmed as much and it is colder.
Several years ago, when we had lots of California quail coming through, the babies were hatched early. They were in my yard and still didn't have very many feathers. A mom and 12-14 babies. It was unseasonably cold and breezy that day. All of a suddden the mom gathered all of them around her and spread her wings and covered them all up. Thankfully my dog was in the house. They snuggled there for a bit and then went on to get some water and seeds and went on their way.
A day ago there was no snow in the forecast. As I say the weatherman has a 50/50 chance of being right (or wrong). Looks like a white Christmas 2 years in a row. Have about 1/2 inch so far and still snowing. It is the light dry snow so can be swept with a broom. I had to go out and do it because just like last winter, hb won't do it. At least i have two arms this year.
Sage (the kitten) wanted to go out, put her on leash, opened the door and she stopped dead in her tracks!! In fact, she did it twice -guess she didn't remember the first time.
Merry Christmas, everyone. An emotional time of year to be sure. For those fairly newly widowed I would guess it may be an emotional roller coaster--it was for me, especially that first Christmas without him, three months after he died. For those whose spouses are still with you, try for some good memories, no matter how small or insignificant. You will be glad of them some day.
Just to go off-topic a bit, Bandit and I are feeling especially thankful this morning that we are alive and uninjured. Yesterday afternoon two pit bulls came out of nowhere and attacked us right in the parking lot in front of the apartment. (There are no pit bulls in this complex, and nobody knows where they came from--looked well-taken-care-of, and one was even wearing a Christmas sweater!) I swooped Bandit up when the one dog lunged for him, and held him high at about my nose level so they couldn't reach him--but they were jumping all over me trying to bite him. I was in a big, puffy down coat, which helped me shield Bandit from them. They didn't bite me, thank goodness, and I managed with difficulty to get to the entry door of the building and, still shielding Bandit, open the door with one hand and kind of slide in, not letting the pit bulls get in. (And they were trying.) I called the apartment's emergency on-call and others called the police (I called the police later, just to verify all the details.)--The police came out, but the dogs were gone. The neighbors and I surmise that they are somebody's pets and somehow got out of their yard or pen or whatever. Very scary experience. I'm glad I was able to stay calm and shield Bandit--the next thing I did was going to be start hollering for help if I couldn't get to shelter. But I didn't have to yell. I stayed calm, didn't run, just kept Bandit up high while he barked and barked his "alarm" bark, and kept moving toward the steps and the entry door. What a Christmas Eve! I was shaking for about a half an hour afterwards.
So thankful to hear you both are unhurt. A similar thing happened to a friend only the dog was able to pull her little dog out of the harness and hurt her badly resulting in her death. As I started to read your terrifying story that is what I was afraid happened to you but so glad it is not. Hope you never see those dogs again.
Have a white Christmas - about 2 inches now. Sage did escape last night about 10:30 and stayed out about an hour. I tried to catch her and all she was doing was running and playing in the snow. Never thought she would stay outside so long when it was 23.
Here is an FYI story - I did not know the history of Rudolph.
Which department store created "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"?
*Sears, Roebuck and Company *Montgomery Ward *Macy's *J. C. Penney
Answer: A copywriter named Robert L. May first invented the oddball reindeer in 1939 as a marketing gimmick for Montgomery Ward's holiday coloring books. May considered naming the reindeer "Rollo" and "Reginald" before deciding upon using the name "Rudolph". His nose wasn't originally going to be red. A red nose was viewed as a sign of sign of chronic alcoholism, and Montgomery Ward didn't want him to seem like a drunkard. Good thing they changed it. "Reginald, the blue-nosed reindeer" doesn't have quite the same ring.
Interesting story, Charlotte. Sage seems to be asserting her independence.
Elizabeth. That's a frightening story. Two weeks ago, a similar thing happened here. A pit bull grabbed a smaller dog by the neck and was shaking it around. Someone called the police but before they arrived, the next-door neighbor (a retired cop) came out and shot the pit bull dead. Half the police force showed up. They were mad at their retired colleague for failing to wait for them but all the neighbors were glad he had acted so quickly. I guess the smaller dog is OK.
No sign of those pit bulls today, but the experience scared the bejesus out of me. I like dogs, and seldom have any trouble with them, but this was a different thing entirely. I am formulating some emergency plans for what to do if Bandit and I (or just me alone) come across any pit bulls in the future. The first defense is to find shelter or escape before they even get close to us. And this morning I read in the news that a woman in Kentucky was just killed by a pit bull. Scary stuff.
In happier animal (well...bird) news, the eagle eggs in Florida are very close to hatching. Great fun checking that website every day for updates.
We have a beautiful white Christmas here today, too, Charlotte. It started to pour snow around 11pm last night, and we had five inches or so this morning. At dawn when I woke up and opened the blinds, it was a winter wonderland for Christmas. Very nice (since I didn't leave the apartment all day except to take the dog out and clean my SUV off.)