When my son (had a stroke at 9 days) was left a r-side hemiplegic, I had to take him (along with 3 other babies) to the university medical center so I could learn to give him therapy. The two older children were in kindergarden and 2nd grade. I went every day for about 3 years. He had to go to preschool there and his twin went also to that preschool. I kept the baby with me.
There were several women there whose children were terribly injured--cerebral palsy, spinal bifida, missing limbs, etc.--and they had had the misfortune (or good fortune--depending on your point of view) to have their husbands leave them with no support.
I mentioned this to my brother the other night and he said "Well, it sure wasn't very nice for those guys to do that but you really can't blame them. Who would choose to take care of a kid like that?" I was absolutely stunned. I responded that no one chooses to do that. It seems to me that you play the cards you are dealt and do the best you can do." Then he remembered that DH has AD and added "Golly, you've had sort of a double whammy, haven't you?"
I let him know our son has grown up to be a completely independent and thoroughly responsible adult. And, my DH is a dear soul--loved and cherished by God, his wife and children. I wouldn't change anything. Told him my life is just the way it is suppose to be at this time and hoped that his was the same.
About that time, I got quite busy because I can't seem to tolerate that kind of foolishness, even if he is my brother.
Starling, you HAD to mention the Christmas tree! (Don't get me started on last year!) <grin> We'll have to have a "discussion" on Christmas decorating after Thanksgiving!
Mawzy, your brother doesn't seem to have received the "compassion" button. You received two buttons worth! Your attitude and strength have sustained you since your childhood. If you wrote a book about all that has occurred in your life, it would be a best seller! (don't forget the yellow jackets!)
True story: I sprayed the yellow jackets last night. There are a few remaining ones out there grieving and flying around. They will leave soon. Today, DH has been out there no less that 10 times checking on them. The last time he went out, I got sore and asked (sarcastically) how many were left? Did he count them. He went out there and cme back with the information that there were only maybe 6-7 left. Then I asked him to vacume the steps. i should have done that first.
The "furious, angry, yelling, downgrading, MENTAL CRUELITY" some of you are writing about, including Joang, I KNOW I could not handle. I think this is the point that calls for outside help of some kind. Even though our spouse has a terrible brain problem, I don't think ruining another life is worth it. I would have to remove they or I from the same place. In this instance I am not cut out to be a caregiver.
I think this type of situation is like lighting the fuse on a firecracker. Something, anything can happen. I have not had to undergo this yet, but after reading the comments on these pages, I know it is likely to come. My spouse us physically unable to "run away physically" but in some of the above circumstances I would have to "place him elsewhere" at least temporarily.
I'm not cut out for this either, BUT, here I am. "Lucky" for me, DH has never been violent. He is in stage 6-7 or maybe just 7. A year ago, I truly thought I would be putting him in a NH soon and then I realized he would have kept me to the very end. I say that after an experience about 10 years ago, when he did take care of my every need. I didn't have a brain disease, but I could have been in a NH temporarily and he said "no I'll take care of you" So lmohr, I'm glad to see the temporarily at the end of your comment. Hang in there!!! Mawsy, what a life you have been dealt along with the most enviable attitude.
One of our biggest heartaches is losing the person we love right before our eyes and not being able to stop it. We watch them change from the loving person they were to "who is this person?" - some get angry, either at themselves or at us; some go into rages (mine didn't, I'm thrilled to say); and some just slowly slip away. We are left with a glimpse now and then and we live for those moments. There are times when we say "I just can't take it anymore" and come here to vent (Thank you again, Joan!) and some get an apartment, or go away for a weekend, or just go into another room and try to hang on. There are also things we read about here that we think we can never do until it happens to our spouse, but by the time that occurs, we find we can.
Keep coming here and know that you can ask questions and get answers, vent, give advice, give support, and find some humor to brighten your day.
And, as we are doing right now, keep vigilence with our beloved friend while her beloved Hank slips away.
Imohr, they keywords you need, per the Alzheimer's Association, just in case:
You dial 911 and say, "My husband has dementia, he has gotten violent and I need someone to come and take him to the hospital."
I had been on the phone with their hotline, both national and regional several times and that is what they told me to say if it was necessary. If you are scared, you use those keywords to get help. It turned out I never had the second episode so I didn't need the keywords. I said the wrong things the first time and got a very nice policeman who actually solved my problem so it worked out. But the next time I was going to need both the paramedics and the police and so I was told exactly what to say to get them.