This is just a general blabbing, so....no name! Besides, my brain is so foggy & befuddled, I can hardly put two thoughts together. Let's hope for the best. Not to keep beating a dead horse, but because of my chemo, & risk of infection, I'm really not supposed to be in crowded places (grocery or any kind of store, church, nursing homes!, etc.), but after checking with the oncologist's office & getting permission, I wore a nose & mouth mask & went to see Dan for the first time in 3 weeks. I just couldn't stand it anymore. Plus the fact that I have been knocked so low with these treatments, I couldn't have gone before that anyway. Well, I walked in & ones of the aides was walking with him out of the dining room, naturally. This was about 3:00 PM....lunch was around 11:30 or 12:00! He gave me a big smile, said nothing about the mask or the turban-style head covering I'm wearing again (bald!). I asked him if he knew who I was behind all this, he kind of smiled & said yeah. We walked to where he loves to sit (near the front desk) when the only complete sentence he said to me the whole time was....wait for it...."when do we eat"? !!!!!!!! After we sat, I tried to hold his hand, but he just didn't respond, so I simply wound my arm around his arm, patted or rubbed my thumb over the back of his hand. After about 30-45 minutes of no talking, I figured that was enough of that. I hadn't intended to stay long anyway so I gave him a kiss on his cheek, pointed to my own cheek like you would to a baby & told him to give me a kiss. He gave kind of a weak, disinterested one. Then I wrapped my arms around his neck, gave him another kiss & told him I love him. It took several seconds for him to say a very quiet, also a kind of disinterested response of I love you too. Makes me wonder if it's just a kind of learned response, or if there is really a meaning behind it, or if he really somewhere deep, deep down inside resents me because he knows he not at home.Or if there is something else about me that has been stuck in his craw all these years. I'll never know, I just need to take it as it is. I know the disease will get worse, is getting worse, so these reactions, or lack thereof, will probably worsen. The eating thing makes me chuckle (some things never change!), & I'm not really heart-hurt over his detachment from me (maybe be better for him), but it makes me sad. I'd better stop...I'm spending a lot of time correcting mistakes I've made....& there have been many! Thank you all for being here with me. I thank God for each one of you.
Craw | Definition of Craw by Merriam-Webster https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/craw Definition of craw. 1 :the crop of a bird or insect. 2 :the stomach especially of a lower animal. First Known Use: 14th century. See craw defined for English-language learners.
Mim, I'm 100% certain that your husband's lack of response is due to the disease. I'm 100% certain that if he were phyically and mentally capable he would say he loved you more than ever, has never stopped loving you and will love you forever.
I've had all these doubts about my husband and even after he died, for quite a long time. Now I know he was there all the time loving me, but even at the best of times, we are all incapable of truly letting someone else know our deepest feelings of love.
Mim, I'd choose to believe that the slow response of "I love you too" was genuine and took a lot of effort to produce. I think the processing mechanism is stuck in molasses while we are accustomed to normal response time. If it had been a learned response, there might have been less time delay. I choose to believe Dan does love you very much even if he cannot voice it. I hope you are feeling better from your treatments soon.
So good to hear from you, Mim. It sounds like a nice visit, all things considered. I was just thinking that this is what marriage is all about--through thick and thin, no matter what, under whatever circumstances have to be faced...still together. God bless you and Dan--you are an example and an inspiration for us all.
Hello Mim, I am so glad to hear from you. I had.a.dream about you several.days.ago and went to the cottage to bring you some soup.and a hug. Glad you went to see Don. Being away so long was really bothering you. I thought it was pretty neat that he had.a.big smile when he saw you even with a.mask and turban! Reminded me of some MIL stories. FIL, Roy, was upset that Rose never.said his name. He would go to the bathroom and when we were there Rose would say several times, "Where's Roy?" When he came back... no reaction. An exercise in the Care Pathways class is to ask a question and they set a 30 second timer before your partner can answer. They said that's how long it takes to process something. Try it. Thirty.seconds is an eternity in this situation. Like CarolVT said. A new nurse's aide kept asking Rose what my name is. She finaly got frustrated and said "this is my friend! And that's all there is to it" and added a rasberry to emphasize. Best.compliment I ever.received!
Mim, glad to hear from you. Want you to know I continue to carry you in my thoughts and prayers. In regards to you husband, this is the conclusion that I came to. The love is still inside, just inaccessible to our spouses, except for some rare moments, the lucid moments, when they are really there and present, sometimes for the shortest moment. Then they are locked away from us again as if the key were lost.