I am retiring from teaching in December to care for my husband who has been diagnosed with mild-moderate AD/dementia. He has been cold, angry and argumentative for quite some time and in the past, he has been the calm, level-headed one. His new, ugly behavior was horrible. His diagnosis was delayed, although I knew something was "wrong". We have no family, except a son who lives on the other side of the country, when he is in the country. So, basically, it is just the two of us, as the rest of our families has passed away and we are the end of the line. We have some very good neighbors who have been extremely helpful, but not knowing which "husband" I am going to see each day, hour or minute is very difficult. Today, my husband seemed to be having a good day, so I suggested we grab an early dinner. A parent of one of my students was our waitress. My husband just sat there, eating with a stony face while she visited and chatted with us. I could tell she was hurt by his lack of interaction. The small gaps like this that are constantly created make me feel like I am always putting out fires. Yesterday, pieces of his shaver landed in the disposal. Fortunately, he retrieved them. I didn't ask how it happened. He won't always wear clean clothing and the battling over grooming is tough. I am open to suggestions. I keep reading that it doesn't help to argue, but, frankly, I am not a saint. There are times when I feel like I am going to blow my stack. And we are at the beginning of this journey. I love this man dearly, and I know he is afraid, fleetingly, when he thinks of what is happening. I am terrified because he is being kidnapped right in front of me, and I am distracted by minutiae. What has he done now? Does he need a haircut, medicine, diapers, toenails clipped? By the time the smaller events are dealt with, and I have made sure that he is checking in with his daysitter, I am dragging myself to work. And worrying every minute. I am 64, he is going to be 72 in December. We always looked forward to retirement. Now we will just enjoy the good days, and hope there are more of them left to us. Thanks for letting me vent.

Hi, Yankee, and welcome to our merry band here in Happy Hollow. (Yeah, right.) I'm sure others will be along to say hello, and welcome you to the club nobody wants to join. You will find support and understanding here--lots of good, common sense advice--that you probably won't find anywhere else. These message boards were a godsend for me during the years my husband was declining. He was 25 years older than I, so it was probably a given that I was going to lose him sooner or later. I always said I could handle anything except Alzheimers...well, guess what. I'm a nurse (out of the workforce now) with 20 years hospital experience and 20 years home care, and I still found support and advice on these message boards that I didn't know myself and didn't find anywhere else. These people "get it." They were with me through the final years of falling, agitation, poop, sleepless nights, exhaustion, isolation,hospice, etc. etc. I took care of my husband at home, but the norm is usually placement--you will find a lot of advice about that here. For me, it was 14 years from the first signs of dementia until his death at home in my arms on 9-2-14. Believe me, I treasured, valued and enjoyed fully every happy moment we could get--he couldn't see the future, but I sure could. (The star next to my name means that I'm a widow.) After we lose our spouses, some of us stay around to try and help others still on the journey, and to help each other through bereavement and (we hope) recovery. There is definitely life after being an Alzheimer's spouse, although it can take a while.

A couple practical things: Some people carry small cards, like business cards, that you can discreetly hand to people like your waitress--to explain that your husband has a dementia--so they will understand the behavior. Also, if you have not already done it, you need to get a good neurology work up for him, so you know exactly what you are dealing with. There are different kinds of dementias ("regular" Alzheimers, multi-infarct, frontal lobe, Lewy body, etc., etc.) and it will help in planning care to know what to expect. Also, make sure you've consulted with an elder law attorney (not just any attorney, you need a specialist) in making sure you have your advance directives set up properly while your husband is still marginally able to sign things. You need a durable power of attorney so you can handle everything, and of course, wills and health care directives. You need to start getting your husband's name off of things...the car, the deed to the house...off of the bank and investment accounts, etc. And if his name is still on things that you access on line, make sure you change your passwords so he cannot get into the computer and do financial damage. It is not gold digging or being "grabby" to do these things--it will help keep both of you safe.

Welcome Yankee, this from an old southern boy. I have had chronic head pain for 49 years. My wife always brought it would be her taking care of me in the later years. Well, it didn't happen. She was diagnosed 7 years ago. You are are right about a slow kidnapping. You learn to live in an altered universe. There are new curves around see corner. The past 55 years hardlu count. Keep the rubber side down as old CBers used to say.

Thank you for your warm welcomes, although we all hate to be here. I cried today over the most simple act; for all of our lives together, I have never put gas in the car. Today, I went to the gas station-alone. I don't know why this simple act hurt so much more than others, but it did. My husband waits outside for me to come home everyday. He is lonely, but refuses to go the senior center. He loves our dogs and remains at home with them. I guess training them to be therapy dogs helped us more than anyone else this time. I love the idea of handing people small cards to explain any strange or "off" behavior. To have his feelings hurt would wound me no end. He is cleaning things out of the basement now, at my request. I did not expect him to give away his beloved Lionel trains. He gave them to a friend. I think he is more away of what is happening than I thought. In many ways, he is facing this with more courage than I am. I have contacted an elder law specialist attorney, we are going to Social Security to get things straightened out for insurance and it is all quite daunting. Thank heavens for this group.

Hi Yankee, I am so glad you found us. All of the above posts have excellent advice. This website was a lifeline during my years of hell. This journey is not for the faint of heart. You will have extreme emotions so be ready for that and do not beat yourself up when they come. I too worked in the school system and had to retire because his care was becoming way too much. In addition to all the legal and financial things you can set in place now, I would suggest finding an Alz support group in your area if possible. For 3 years we attended an early stage group together and they separated the patients from the caregivers. Then as he declined, I started going to another group that had caretakers who were more in the middle stage. That went on for about 3 years. Both of these helped immensely. As bhv stated you will need to be with people who "get it" and understand what you are going through. Your average person does not unless they have been through it. Also if your city or town has a senior center you might look into that. I took my husband to our senior center and dropped him off. He would eat lunch and socialize somewhat. That went on for about 18 months until he got lost in the ladies' room. You will need to find ways to have a respite especially as he declines. Also I had a person come in once a week and took him out for lunch and shopping so I could have some time to myself. This disease is extremely isolating and you need to find ways to do some things that you enjoy without him. In the end I had to place him because I had no privacy and needed to do it for my own sanity. As they always say in case of a plane crash take your oxygen first. The same thing goes for an Alz caregiver. If you do not care for yourself, you will not be able to keep going until the end. This disease can easily kill both of you. God bless and remember you are never alone even though it may feel that way some days.