My husband has been diagnosed with mild cognitive memory loss. When he forgets items on a shopping list or forgets an agreement he has made to me, I don't know how to react. Do I point out the behaviour so that he can try to be more focused (trying to assume he is able) or do I ignore it and move on ( trying to keep in mind it's the disease and not him being annoying
I would like to support him. As his forgetfulness increases I am increasingly frustrated and realize I don't know what enables or what supports him better. Thx
I would just be kind and not make a big deal about it. He can't help it. It isn't one of those behaviors that you're "enabling" by letting it go. That isn't the issue.
Wise words from Elizabeth, as usual. It sounds like it's time to get Power of Attorney and to take charge, even in a supervisory fashion, of financial matters. My husband started spending money like a drunken sailor, sometimes double-paying bills and gifting his children. One month he paid for a new roof twice ($10,000 each time). He wrote large cheques for his children. Someone on this site later suggested opening a new bank account in your name only and transferring money from the joint account to this new account. This way you won't be cleaned out, as I was until I found out when my household cheques bounced.
You may find it better not to mention it. My DH will become violently angry if I even hint that he may have forgotten something. One day recently he said, "Maybe you forgot about it." I don't remember what it was but I literally completely lost it laughing hysterically. Even fell.down into the chair. Fortunately he didn't get that as criticism and just looked at me like I had lost MY mind.
Hi Janetd. Welcome to this page where no one wishes to be. You will find support and good advice from the folks here, and you will be able to choose what will work best for you. I do have a question for you. Is your husband aware of his diagnosis and if so is he willing to work with you as you plan for the future of both of you? Some spouses are, some are in denial. What Mary75 suggests for you to look into now is very important, later it can be way more difficult. There are many pages here discussing these issues. Wishing you well.
Welcome to the site, Janetd, If you want to support your husband, then ignore the behavior and move on. I don't think the concept of "enabling" applies to this situation. He cannot try to be more focused. That part of his brain does not fully function and it will become less functional as time does by. Alzheimer's patients who realize they are doing everything wrong often have a hard time hanging onto their self-esteem. If you point out things he has forgotten, he will spend the rest of his life feeling angry, frustrated, or ashamed.
Whew. Thank you all for your input. I think I have a lot of learning ahead of me to develop constructive ways to manage my reactions to his behaviours. Patience has never been my strong suit. He is currently highly functioning so we are generally in a good place right now and I am consciously trying to simplify our lives, for both of us
If anyone has any suggested reading/resources for me on this topic of patience, grace, support etc, I would certainly welcome the information. I will search the messsge boards too.
My husband does know he has this memory loss diagnosis and is part of a research study on memory loss so on one level we can discuss openly. I already manage the finances and organize the household and we are well prepared with powers of attorney etc. So I am thankful for that.
There is a list of books, Janetd, about 6 from the top of the Stickies on the message board. I went and bought a bunch of them on Amazon a year and a half ago. Also when I first started on this website I went to the very beginning blogs and posts and just read and read. Never even tried to make it through to the end though. Just began making friends with those still active and have found their help and support immeasurably important on my and my partner's journey.
Hang in their Janet. Enjoy where you are cause we all know it will only get worse.
I read a couple books but the education I have gotten on this site since joining in 1/2009 is far greater than any book. There is a lot of reading but do not be afraid to ask questions. Because there is a lot here from so many years, not every one has the time to search, so go ahead and ask. Also, go to youtube and put in Teepa Snow. She has a lot of great videos. My problem with a lot of the videos and even suggestions from Alzheimer's Association is they aren't living in the midst of it. IMO they are assuming we are all perfect, able to control our emotions, have a lot of help, etc. In reality, most of us don't have much help if any, we do not have perfect control of our emotions and frustrations. In fact, I rarely read any of the post on my Facebook wall from the various Alzheimer's groups where they post all these tips on how a caregiver should be. I am not talking about individual post but post from the more professional type groups like Alzheimer's Aware, Alzheimer's Disease Research, etc.
My husband insists he is "crazy" My doctor brother said "No, crazy is not a word we use anymore. And if you were crazy, there would be medicine to help you. What you have is a disease with no treatment for it". For some reason this help me put it in another light.
Words of wisdom Sharlotte, boy do I feel imperfect. So many times of not knowing what to say or do. So I do and say nothing and that is wrong - in her eyes.