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    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeJul 1st 2017
    Last year he would go to bed at sunset and up at sunrise. No matter when those events actually occurred. I got in the habit of staying up.late to watch what I like.
    Now he seems to want to be attached to me. If go in the kitchen to cook I hear him get up within about 20 seconds. Comes in the kitchen to watch me. I ask do you want something. He says no. He thought he could"help" me. I know, everyone says.find something for him to do. Well everything in the kitchen is dangerous and even the smallest thing requires constant supervision so no cooking gets done. I suggest he go watch tv.... @30 seconds later he's baaack. By the time the meal is ready I am ready to.scream.
    My doctor had me try wellbutrin in the morning and celexa at night. For about two weeks that was getting me through dinner time which was nice. Then I started having complex nightmares and the increased suicidal thoughts.they say sometimes occur with antidepressants. So I quit that!

    Last night we got through supper fine. He went to bed at 8:30. Which was good cause I didn't have anything else he is willing to watch on tv. 15 minutes later he is back downstairs. Turning around in circles can't tell me what's the matter. Pulls.pants down around ankles. Grabs his sneakers. Curses me out and goes upstairs. 10 min later downstairs again dressed in jeans with socks and shoes. Sits down and starts screaming that my tv show is horseshit. I say you went to bed so I am watching what I like. So now he's pointing at me and telling me if I speak to him like that he will kill me. So I put on the news and left the room.

    He follows me to my desk. I said if you are going to curse at me and threaten to kill me I am not staying in the room with you. So he curses at me again and goes upstairs. Then back down and out in the garage sitting in his truck for awhile. Doesn't know how to find the keys. Gives up and goes back upstairs. Back downstairs and out there sitting in the truck again. Back upstairs.Finally went to sleep I guess. I slept in the other room.

    I know he wants me to go to bed with him whenever he gets tired. I tried that the last two days but then he wants to cuddle and make out and who knows what else. Sorry, but NO! Not just NO, but Hell No. For a long time I tried to pretend to enjoy that for a little.while. Now it is just too traumatic for me to do that. But he can't seem to settle into bed. One night recently he kept pounding the bed on my side and screaming "this is horseshit!"

    And now it looks like full moon is approaching. OMG. How am I going to survive the next few nights?

    So far this morning we haven't spoken. He is just sitting there watching tv. Doesn't seem to matter what channel. The only saving grace on Sat morning is animal shows.
    • CommentTimeJul 1st 2017
    This is so bad. Is there any way you could place him? I don't want you to be in such a dangerous situation. I hope others will be along to comment; I feel inadequate to advise you. All I know is that I've had a little bit of this, and I still catch my breath remembering the horror of it.
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeJul 1st 2017
    I am going to interview some respite places near me and near his sister. I have not been able to figure out a way to get him to accept going to a respite care place. Am thinking of asking his sister if he can stay with her for a few days but don't think that will work either. He truly believes that he can stay here alone. Nothing is wrong with him.
    Years ago his father went to stay with sis for a weekend. After a couple of hours he packed his bag and sat by the front door demandng to be taken home. I figure DH will be the same way.

    I thought about what Fiona said about hiring a caregiver to take him bowling or out to lunch. But how do I wrap my head around paying someone to go have fun with him while I stay here moving dirt around or fixing sprinklers .

    I want to go back to NY to visit my brothers and nieces. But when I think about placing him in respite care all I can think of is the time Divvi hired a caregiver and was out enjoying herself when the caregiver called her in tears and Divvi had to rush home because the professional caregiver couldn't deal with the poop.

    Well I better make some appointments next week to see if any place has a suggestion.
    I tried last week but couldn't ever get through to the right person. It was weird. Guess I asked the wrong question. I lost patience..
    • CommentAuthorOnewife
    • CommentTimeJul 1st 2017
    Bvh your post brings back memories. My Dh is now in a facility on hospice. When he was shadowing it was frustrating. He constantly wanted to help. I bought a sm wet vac and had him vacuum inside and outside in the garage. I could hear vacuum so I knew where he was. My Dh was a contractor, carpenter by trade so he was familiar w wet vac. I also had him pull stems off spinach and kale. Any fruit I had him wash and put in containers. Yes he was so slow I had to leave the room. I would itch to correct him so I would do a load of wash or sit in screen porch. I survived and so will you.
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeJul 1st 2017
    Good thoughts onewife. Thanks. I did get him to mow the lawns this morning so I knew where he was. But, alas, that only lasted.about 20 minutes. Then for some reason he was cursing me out after putting the mower away. No idea what I did to deserve that. Now there is golf so he is quiet. I'm going to go dig some more dirt. Funny he doesn't follow me for any of the hard manual labor!!!
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeJul 1st 2017
    Well I worked off a lot of my frustration at hard labor. 4 hours of moving dirt and rocks from uphill.side to ravine side of property. When I started this last month there wasn't room for wheel barrow outside the fence. Now.I access path all the way to the corner of the property! One wheel barrow at a time. I felt like I better shore up that side so the wall and fence don't fall into the ravine.Didn't expect to be successful when I started. Am amazed at what I have done. Now am shaping the area on the uphill side so try to send rain runoff away from the pool. Thankful for Earth Science class in High School.
    This is also a good way to be alone since DH does not follw me outside. If he did I could give him something to do. But nooooo not outside. When I go in the kitchen for some more water by golly there he is all smiles. I have no idea what he thinks is going to happen in the kitchen. He seems so excited. Then kind of sad when I leave the kitchen. What the heck?
    • CommentAuthorJazzy
    • CommentTimeJul 1st 2017
    Is there something special that you used to make for him in the kitchen that maybe he thinks you are going to make when you go in there? Maybe something that you don't make now? Maybe some treat?
    I went through something similar with my DH. He didn't get nasty, but he didn't want me out of his sight. Since all he did all day was sit in front of the TV, you would think that wouldn't have been too bad. But he blared the TV , and switched channels constantly with no rhyme or reason--like we would be awaiting severe weather, and he would flip the channel just as the meteorologist was telling us what time the storm was predicted--things like that. I had a semi-permanent headache and stomach ache from that TV. Plus it got to the point where I had to help him get to the bathroom for toileting--he couldn't always find it--sometimes would head straight for the basement stairs--very dangerous for him, since he could barely walk at that point. Then he got to where he couldn't work the remote--another nightmare. He would get all frustrated--I would fix the TV for him on a channel he liked--he would fiddle with the remote--get it all off the channels so he couldn't watch anything...rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat. I got some relief by sitting just around the corner at the kitchen table and reading or using the computer--but he would always come out and want me to come into the den with him. I could often beg off by saying I had to cook--had to watch the pots--this was quite bona fide in an Italian household (him, not me), and he would accept that. But when you add to that that he wanted to watch TV in bed at night--blaring it--watching it until all hours--not being able to work the remote--it's no wonder I was an exhausted wreck. While I was still working, this gave me a good excuse to sleep in the other bedroom. When I left the workforce and we shared one bedroom again, I handled it much like I did when I had babies in the house--just made sure to take a little snooze when they (he) were napping. Not ideal, and very wearing-down in the long run. I never had a problem with the physical side of things, because that just seemed to fade away as he became more forgetful and confused. We were always a close couple, and there were still a lot of hugs and smooches--affection--but the old days of swinging off the chandeliers and being x-rated were gone with the wind.

    Bhv, I'm not getting a clear picture about whether you are actually in physical danger or not. If there is even a chance of that, I would have a bag packed and always have your car keys and cell phone at hand. And also, as Mary75 said upthread, be planning for placement. Don't let Al Z. Heimer get both of you. And if you are injured or worse, you're not going to be able to advocate for and direct the care for your husband. Placement is still taking care of him...just in a different way.
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeJul 1st 2017
    My wife quite literally stalked me. She would sometimes stand around the corner for quite a few minutes perhaps not sure who I was or where she was or who she was or perhaps wondering who that good looking guy was over there. I'm sure that was it.

    Sometimes it helped to think of myself being in a cheap sitcom like My Favorite Martian. Not much on plot and terrible effects really not to mention the truly lousy acting at times but it was my little sitcom. We lose touch with normal reality to some degree where I had some friends over to play bridge one day who knew about her condition but still got very uncomfortable when she came into the room on all fours and grazed on the carpet. All the little fibers fascinated her for a time. There's nothing like watching that happen right before your eyes to penetrate the permeable shield of denial and leave an indelible scar in the windmills of the mind. Don't worry about it. A little denial and water will get that out in no time. Never mind.

    It's all quite horrible but that's already known. Life isn't like an MGM movie often, which is a shame. There should at least be cool background music but there isn't. Some people look at that the way Fellini or Stephen King might - all dark and mangled meaning - but, I think that's really lazy. Life is more like Catch-22 or Finnegan's Wake. Lots of people are saying things but it's hard to tell what's really going on.

    "I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today", Wimpy always said when he spoke wandering through the scenes where you listened intently to what Olive Oil was mumbling just then and why Popeye always spoke under his breath in the third person even though Bluto was right there. "Oh my!" Olive Oil would whimper. Maybe her hair was too tight in that bun. Now why would I talk about that? Because it makes as much sense as anything else in this movie so put your feet up when you can.

    Speaking of which some of you may not have seen In Search Of The Holy Grail by Monty Python. I wouldn't now either. In it, there's a sub plot of a rather effeminate prince stuck in his father's castle. He shoots an arrow with a "help me" note attached into the forest where Sir Lancelot (John Cleese) finds it and comes charging to the (obviously) princesses' rescue. In the meantime the ambitious father is standing at the window of his fairly rundown castle pointing out past the threadbare curtains to the field with a cow in it beyond. "One day this will all be yours!" he announces gesturing out the window. "What? The curtains?" asks the princeling in his high pitched voice. "No, not the curtains!" the father scoffs slapping him. Just then Lancelot comes charging through the door, kills the last guard in the room and announces he's here to rescue the princess.

    You can learn everything by studying a single flower Confucius is said to have said. Go ahead. Be my guest. Looking for answers is fine but there's nothing like relaxing a bit inside the play because the real truth is that lots of people are saying things but it's hard to tell what's really going on. Allow me to explain the current state of astrophysics to you. There was a big bang that created a universe 96% full of dark energy and dark matter which we know absolutely nothing about except that it's here somewhere. Everything we know is about that four percent of the universe we're actually aware of. The secret of course is to relax on the bronco's back - but who does that??

    Consider planting some very small trees (just one might not make it) or bushes and watching them grow in the landscape you are changing. Think of it as creating a future for something you can watch develop as something else to do while you do this. Hang in there.
    • CommentAuthorMim
    • CommentTimeJul 1st 2017
    Elizabeth, what a picture you've painted....swinging off the chandeliers & x-rated!!! ;)

    Seriously, BHV, your situation sounds dreadful. They all are, in their own way, but it sounds like you're just about at the end of your rope. I don't know what to tell you, except that my thoughts are with you
    • CommentAuthorLindylou*
    • CommentTimeJul 1st 2017
    Ah, bhv. I remember. Hyper vigilance needed at all times. Having to be on guard and aware of things at all times. No relief ever. And it lasts a life time, it seems, for as long as it is going on. Until it is something else. How we ever get through it, I don't know. We certainly are different afterwards. I'm offering no advice, just carrying you in thoughts and prayers if that can help your burden any.
    • CommentAuthorcassie*
    • CommentTimeJul 1st 2017
    If we told anyone but those here some of the things that we have had to witness with our loved ones, I doubt if we would be believed.
    I do hope that you will get a break from all the horror very soon, bhv. Take care.
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeJul 1st 2017
    Thank you all. I am totally in shock how this day has been. He didnt follow me outside so lots of alone time. Wolf, I took apart some kind of plant and spread them.around. they havent all died yet. It got too hot to work outside, but I finished a row of brick walkway he left half done about 15 years ago. Went in to take a break and watched some home improvement shows and he did not bitch about it. Then I put on a baseball game. He hasnt cared about baseball for about three years. At 4:30 is his normal beer time outside on the patio. He chose to stay in and watch the game. So I got to go swimming by myself. I had a cocktail by myself. I even shot a squirrel through the wrought iron fence by myself. BB gun ya'll. This morning I got a field mouse and a gopher - new trap worked! So got some agression worked out. Went in the kitchen to prep dinner and he didnt follow. He didnt even come in to get his food. I guess he is enjoying this baseball game. I am confused, but more relaxed than in many days. Figures, when I finally ask here for help things change. But there is still the full moon to consider.
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeJul 1st 2017 edited
    Jazzy, I have been wracking my brain, but he was always the primary cook. He was a pilot. He cooked when he was home.
    Wolf, I like the Spanish Inquisition better, "oh no, not the comfy chair!" And the "you've got a hole in your hoop" routine. Your line relaxing a bit in the play reminds me of Steppenwolf" and the theatre of the Absurd. I may use the My Favorite Martian idea. I am going t have trouble getting "No, not the curtains" out of my head now ROFLOL. thanks.
    Elizabeth and Mary75. I don't know if I am still in physical danger. I keep keys and cell phone in pocket and bag packed. Also have friends in walking distance. I told his doctor about when he punched me and he assures me I can call and he will call in a prescription. Seems less dangerous since he has only nonalcoholic beer. He was drunk when he punched me and that was the last time he had beer. Also I have modified my behavior quite a bit. I am hopeful this will work. But there have been two frightening incidents in the last two weeks. I am hyper vigilant about having enough room to maneuver since when he landed those punches I was backed into a corner.
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeJul 1st 2017
    See, there's the theatre of the serious absurd where there's probably a lot of brooding and glaring and schaddenfreude going on (never ask the meaning of these art deco words and instead if we're not sure, always just smile nodding slightly as though you completely understand because anybody that feels the need to use over-the-top words like that likely has some sort of problem), and then there's theatre of the absurd pee-your-pants funny.

    The thing about this whole thing is that the tragic aspects are so real and overdone it's analogous to standing right beside the speakers at a rock concert. It's all so horrible and it's all so real. Yet the truth is two people at your house are performing in a play that goes far beyond the tragedy all the actors are living in. I'm talking about love and courage as two more colors to add to the darks on the palette. I can add dozens more.

    None of this meant anything to me as I staggered through but it does now and it will then.

    The thing is you see that women don't go in for testosterone that much. Now if a woman walked around and every once in a while threw a leg kick out that stopped an inch in front of some testosterone filled oaf's nose, they wouldn't likely be as inclined to punching. I know that's not funny. And I know if we watch some show where the woman about to be attacked plants her high heel into the ape's face and drops him cold - it would be a popular scene. I'm just saying.

    The stoning scene from Life Of Brian by Monty Python.
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeJul 2nd 2017
    That was funny Wolf. I never saw the movies, just tv show.
    In October.we will have been married 35 years. We were always partners. We are approximately the same size and weight. When we got married he had.two inches on me, but now is at least an inch shorter. He would have never thought of punching before alzheimer's. As a condition of marriage I told him first of all no kids, second, one punch would be enough for divorce. He knew he didnt have three strikes in my game. He knew I didnt take bullshit from anyone from our Air Force days. He always respected me for that. Alzheimers has.taken all of that away.
    Sometimes if he is being especially nasty I will put on shoes with higher heels. Under normal circumstances if a woman towers over a man and violates his social space he would think twice about punching. Not true with alz.

    He also doesnt seem to be afraid of men. A couple years ago a young man came to the door begging. Very strange in this area. Everyone had been talking about him online. His story was never the same. He would not leave our front door. DH told him to leave.and the boy.said something like do you think I wont hit you because you are old? DH went flying out the door and scuffled with the boy who hit him with his skateboard while I was trying to secure my doberman. In hindsight I should have let her go, but then the insurance company would have made me kill the dog for biting the poor innocent teenager. DH comes walking up the driveway. Fly is open, he has peed his pants. He is black and blue with big bump on head frm skateboard. The boy.has stopped a car on the road saying that man just assaulted me! I went to tell the lady what really happened. Dont know who she believed. Brotherin law, who is retired LAPD agreed I shouldnt call the cops because they might believe the kid. You cant make this stuff up!

    The first.time I felt actually threatened I went to the movies. Saw The Avengers. Didnt expect to like it at all, but loved it! I had no idea there was a woman avenger. She is awesome! Favorite line: Oh, weapons that look like jewelry!
    • CommentAuthorBev*
    • CommentTimeJul 4th 2017
    Dhv, when I read your first post here it brought back so many memories, not good ones. When your spouse dies, we tend to think of the good things, but the memories your post brought back were of the times I went through such similar things as you. He could not stand it when I wanted to go to the family room, my favorite room in the house, to watch my favorite show or read. He would come stomping down the stairs at night, after I thought he was safely asleep, and demand I come upstairs with him. I can't tell you how that made me feel (I suppose you know how it feels of course). Never having some alone time, always feeling anxious something bad was going to happen, always aware of the things you could not say or do so as not to make him angry. It was awful. So I truly know how you feel.

    But, when he died I was heartbroken.
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeJul 4th 2017
    Thanks Bev. I am so sorry we have to deal with this. But thank you for telling me your story. Sometimes I think maybe I am imagining some of this. The universe certainly would not let such a situation occur.
    Mary75 said it sounds like I am near the end of my rope. I can't stop thinking about that. I can't be at the end of my rope yet. He is perfectly physically healthy. I figure he could live for 20 years or more at this rate. Noone has the money to place someone for that long. We are already 8 years into this. I keep hoping he will forget how to swim.

    I can't imagine being heart broken when he dies. But one day when he still was driving as long as I was with him, I came home and his truck was gone. I nearly panicked. Our dog was at the vet and we were to pick her up at 2pm. He apparently didn't believe I would get home in time and went on his own. Amazingly he found his way to the vet. They kept him there til I arrived and he followed me home. Very weird day. That was about a year ago. I am not sure I would panic now. The other night when he kept going out there to sit in his truck I kept wishing he would go wandering somewhere. No such luck. He is not a wanderer.
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeJul 7th 2017

    I've scanned the thread and I don't see this.

    What if you told him that if he hits you, you have to call the police, and then they would probably send him away.

    Not in those words. But however it seems best to send the clear message that you're trying to help him. He has to understand that he can't start hitting you which he has threatened several times because you will have no choice but to call the police because that's assault and battery. Tell him you know he doesn't mean to but that it's important to him to understand that he can't ever do that.

    You don't have to do this or even consider it. I'm just trying to give you ideas on how to push that further away.

    The argument against the question 'would you call the police' is 'would you beat me". You've never threatened to call the police, but he has threatened to hit you.

    If it starts getting confrontational, back away. Give him time to absorb this as he can.

    What a life we're not having.
    I called the Police once when he was not only threatening to kill me, but he was grabbing me around the neck and shaking me. He then went into the garage and was going to take the car. He had the key to the wrong car and couldn't open the door so got a big pry bar and was trying to break the window. DD and I tried to get the pry bar and he came at us with it.

    When the police came I explained the dementia and they asked if he would willingly go to the hospital for evaluation. I had to take him in my car but they followed all the way until I got him to the emergency room. He stayed 3 days and the neurologist got him on some meds that calmed him down. of course over the next year we changed the meds several times because he was still nasty and aggressive but not very physical about it. He just wanted to divorce me.
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeJul 7th 2017
    Thanks Wolf. I didn't mention the police. I said in as many ways as I could think of that hitting me is not an option. I kept saying get away from me and don't touch me and then threw the oriole feeder in the sink to have free hands and said again to get away from me. If it happens again I will think about calling the police. But, I remembered MaryinPA's experience with the police and am not sure how that would work out for me.
    Our discussion the next day where I made it clear that I do NOT know he wouldn't hit me because he did punch me several times. And if I leave he would have to go live in assisted living of somewhere because he can't live on his own. I was amazed he didn't get into a rage when I said that because he thinks there is nothing wrong. So something may have gotten through. Once in awhile he still surprises me a day later.saying he was thinking about something important and wanted to solve the problem.
    If he hadn't stayed away from me that night I was going to leave and call his sister. Her husband is retired LAPD. Bob might have been able to out the fear of god into him. But as usual after about half hour it was a brand new world for hum and he didn't understand why I didn't want to be in the same room with him.
    Things have been calm for a coulple of days now.
    • CommentAuthorxox
    • CommentTimeJul 11th 2017
    Are the police aware of your husband's condition. If not, you should notify them, some police departments have officers dedicated to vulnerable people. This is also useful if he acts out outside of the house or wanders away. If you call the police you want them to know the situation before they enter the house. Otherwise they may overreact to your husband's actions, which can have very unhappy circumstances.

    My son called 911 twice in a week while in 8th grade. I wasn't home the first time, the second time he was afraid for me. The lead officer came earlier in the week so he knew the situation. But she wouldn't voluntarily go to the hospital. $7,000 in legal bills later, but the court did rule that she needed a paid caregiver, something I had been fighting for.
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeJul 11th 2017
    That's a good tip paulc - to let them know before they come into the house. I don't think it will help to notify.anyone now. We are rural and county sheriff is responsible. These days I don't even know if they will bother to come here due to budget cuts. Response time is much greater now.

    Things are a bit calmer lately. Last Saturday we went to San Diego to see my Aunt, Uncle and Cousin. DH was able to follow a lot of the.conversation and even contributed some. We celebrated his birthday with a cake like his Mom made. He enjoyed the attention.

    I am going to try to do something interesting at least once a week. Had a hard time on Monday. Every time I started to feel sort of friendly toward him, he would say somethng to push my buttons and Id have to leave the room again. Mostly my problem cause I had to change my plans to do a bunch of thngs he used to take care of and I kept hurting my arm, wrist and shoulder. Plus it is REALLY hot and I am a menopausal woman. I was NOT a happy camper Monday.

    Today I decided to go to the golf course and hit a bucket of balls. He hit a few last time I tried this. Started out like a nice day. We get all.set up on the driving range and he has to go poop. Walks so ever loving slow. Didn't make it to the rest room. Fortunately I have been carrying a "poppy problem" go bag in the trunk. I debated which restroom would be less disruptive and chose the ladies room. What a mess. Diarrhea again. He has had no dairy so not sure what else is causing this. May have to try antidiarrheal like Charlotte suggested. Anyway, was shocked that he followed my directions and helped me to keep as much of the mess on his jeans instead of the floor. He let me clean him up and help change his clothes. First time for my go bag and I had everything I needed. Took awhile. Two young women came in and I asked them if they would mind if he stayed. They were very understanding and very sweet. I keep hearing about young people bullying and havng no empathy, but these gals were terrific.
    bhv, my impression is that he has gone downhill more than you are really seeing or accepting, probably because you are so close to the situation. You need to get some help with him. He seems to have lost a lot of capabilities--the incontinence of stool is a big sign that things are going south--and there is some danger for you in the situation. I'm going to be very bossy here and say that you need more help. You need to get some help with your property, and get some help with him so you yourself can go play golf, and relax without him. It is time.
    • CommentAuthorbhv*
    • CommentTimeJul 11th 2017
    I think you are right Elizabeth. Trying to wrap my head around how to make things work, what kinds of people to hire, what to ask them to do.