I have been MIA from this site for quite a while. So much has happened, some good, some bad and some gut wrenching. i feel like I'm not carrying my weight on this site by not logging on to offer support to everyone who is going through their own difficult journeys. I just haven't had the energy to do anything other than what I actually have to. Sometimes it's all I can do to get up and go to work. I don't even remember the last time I logged in. I previously shared that my son was a senior in high school and was having difficulty with his grades. I stayed on top of him, got him a math tutor and he graduated from high school on 5/24. All his sisters were there, my sister (aunt), one of my best friends who has know him since birth and his godparents. His godfather is one of my husband's very close friends. Of course, his father was not there. I chose not to dwell on that and just reveled in my joy and how proud I was of him. This was something good that happened.

The gut wrenching experience was on Easter Sunday. 3 of his 4 children (2 daughters and son) along with his son-in-law and me had Sunday Brunch with him at the facility. DH didn't respond to any of them, including our son. Our son is the one he used to light up like a Christmas tree every time he visited. The one he would hug the longest. I know they all noticed it, including my son. So, that tore me up inside even though I knew it was inevitable.

I had also previously mentioned that Hospice had been suggested for my husband the first of the year. I just wasn't ready. Guess I was in denial, but as time passed, that too became inevitable as he continued to deteriorate. I researched for a while and finally settled on which company and then called and got the wheels started. Hospice started coming to visit with him the early part of May. Simultaneous to that happening, he developed a blister on his feet because he kept putting his shoes on backward. Being diabetic and much less mobile, one of the blisters ended up developing necrotic tissue. Of course when I was told that, I googled it to see exactly what that was. I was sick to my stomach. My husband had always taken great care of his feet and his Endocrinologist commented on how good they looked for having been a diabetic for 30 years at that point. I visited on Thursday afternoon so I could be there when the podiatrist was there. He talked me through everything and what his plan of treatment was, the medication being used and what it would do, his orders for how often his dressings were to be changed, brought his new diabetic shoes and ultimately he showed my the sore. I wanted to vomit. I was comforted by all the care and detail with which the doctor shared with me and knew that he was being well cared for but I was nauseated by the sight of it and just felt awful for him. He also doesn't seem to know me anymore. I'm not totally sure but I don't think he does. My heart is sad for him, for me and for his children. My depression is worse and I have asked the Hospice people to find me someone to talk to. I read the widow/widowers thread just a bit ago and paused on the questioned of 5 things that make me happy. I can really only come up with 3, my children, my twin grand-babies and my family. Although I can barely get myself out of bed most days, there are reasons to get up. Sorry for the long update. I just needed an outlet.

Dear Sass, it was good to hear from you and good of you to let us know how you are in the midst of this difficult time. Excellent news that your son graduated. Congratulations to you both. I'm sorry that your husband has declined. In the back of our minds, we know it is going to happen, but we are never really prepared. You are in my mind and heart.

George, I thank you and can appreciate your perspective and know that not all kids are into school. My son's issue was more that he wasn't doing the work. Although not the most academic of my 4 kids, he was capable and that was the rub. It was one of those times that he had to be accountable and couldn't just throw in the towel. I was proud of him for stepping up and doing what he needed to do. He was dealt a rough hand with his dad that's definitely had an impact on him. He was only 14 when his dad was diagnosed and over the last 4 1/2 yrs I know he's needed him. He doesn't really know what he wants to do so he said he wanted to go to Jr College. I'm completely supportive of that and anything else he may be interested in. He's young and I'm sure he will figure it out...just like you did! :)