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    • CommentAuthorLee222
    • CommentTimeMay 22nd 2017
     
    My 64 yr old husband started having fits of rage and tantrums, mean spells, and memory problems , road rage, unpredictable behaviour 2 yrs ago. Dr said he is borderline but when. I asked what that means exactly, she cited privacy concerns and wouldn't comment. He has since progressed to more aggressive behaviour, on and off, flips in two seconds . He just went through a phase of foul language all the time. He never seems to hear a question, but thinks he answers it, meanwhile maybe he does in his head but not out loud. When I ask him if he heard me, he gets angry and thinks Im lying that he didnt answer. He gets very frustrated driving now, and no night driving at all if possible. Any plans we make, are forgotten by the next day. I am getting so frustrated as I am constantly having to defend myself against his rants. We go somewhere we have been many times, and he swears he has never been there. Getting lost is now a regular thing while driving. I notice his cleanliness is suffering, and I find dirty dishes in the cupboards on and off now. is this all normal behaviour for early onset . He refuses to talk to the dr about a relaxant or medication. We went through a session last fall of him having stroke symptoms so now he is on statins . His high cholesterol has been a challenge as he doesnt believe he has any health issues. I am past frustrated.
    • CommentAuthorLee222
    • CommentTimeMay 22nd 2017
     
    P.s. Other days he is in normal same old self mode. Those can go for days then its holding his head and tantrums.
    •  
      CommentAuthormary75*
    • CommentTimeMay 22nd 2017 edited
     
    I would go to another doctor; many here would suggest a neurologist. I had a similar situation with our doctor saying, and documenting, that my 88-year-old husband was "right as rain." I then took my husband to a geriatrist, who said there was a mild cognitive condition, probably of the Alzheimer's type. My husband died 3 years later from Alzheimer's. If you have the correct diagnosis from a specialist, you will be better able to care for your husband, and you will be able to plan to protect yourself financially and emotionally. Search Elizabeth's posts  — she has great advice. So does Paul and many others. Those are two names that pop into my head.
    • CommentAuthorLee222
    • CommentTimeMay 22nd 2017
     
    Thanks Mary. He did see a neurologist specialist after his stroke symptoms last fall and had all the catscans and other tests. She threatened to revoke his license if he didn't behave . They tested for aneurysm, but noted blood vessel damage above his one eye. Im not sure if his behaviour has worsened from the stroke or just progression. Our new thing is he forgets to lock the door and put the garage door down. He gets very testy in public and his personality changes are just night and day from how he always was before. We have been married 41 yrs but most of the time now I feel like. I am dealing with a 2 yr old. I am going to see another Dr as I need to know what to watch for and how to deal with this as it goes on. Thanks so much for your response.
    • CommentAuthorLee222
    • CommentTimeMay 22nd 2017
     
    Ps. He just forgot our 41st wedding anniversary which is today then seemed surprised when I mentioned it.
    • CommentAuthorbhv
    • CommentTimeMay 22nd 2017
     
    Lee222,
    Sounds like a scary situation. My DH (dear husband - although the "dear" part is frequently difficult to say) is sometimes like that. For quite some time he refused to go to.a.doctor or he would tell me he saw hs doctor last week and he told him everything was fine. He hadn't seen the doctor for 3 years. I didn't insist because it was following the same course as my mother in law. Eventually he agreed to see the.doctor and I just went in with him as a "matter of course". He agreed to sign the HIPAA form so his doctor could talk to me and give me results. If he hadn't agreed I would have.just given him the paper and told him to sign it. If he asked why, I'd even tell a small fib -- although that took me about a year to be able to lie well. If he wouldnt sign one day, I would just keep trying til it got done.

    When he finally went to the doctor, all the tests.for stuff that is treatable were perfectly normal. For me that was a little heart.breaking - last hope dontcha know. The njrse was all perky telling me how great it was that his blood work is all PERFECT. She didn't understand why that might make me break down and cry.

    Anyway, I think you need to see a neurologist ASAP. That "holding his head" is rather.suspicious. I'd be thinking brain tumor. And, yes, that would change the personality. I know he had all the catscans last fall, but still, maybe it wasn't a stroke back then. Brain tumors might be rare, but my sister in law had one years ago. She had.surgery and has been fine for decades.

    The rest of what you describe does sound like dementia.
    • CommentAuthorbhv
    • CommentTimeMay 22nd 2017
     
    You can search here for anything and you will frequently find discussions of that kind of behavior from years ago on this forum with lots of good tips.
    I finally got up the nerve to call our local Office on Aging. They had a wonderful 12 week course for caregivers. Lots of help in trying to handle the stress and deal.with problem behaviors. They even brought in an eldercare lawyer. Referral lists for community resources. Even one on one counseling. You don't have to be poor to access their services!
    • CommentAuthorLee222
    • CommentTimeMay 22nd 2017
     
    Thanks for the response. He had the tests with dye on his brain. No tumors or aneurysms. We ran for weeks for all the tests etc. The TIAS was just another health issue to add. I was just searching for confirmation if any of his behaviour sounds familiar. Its not physical, it is all mental deterioration. His constant barrage of me making it a big deal is tiresome and yes, there is no dear hubby anymore, he is a handful. Im going to join the Alzheimers support group in our area just so I dont lose my own mind. Thanks again.
    •  
      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeMay 23rd 2017
     
    Do you have his medical power of attorney? If you do the doctor can talk to you without fear of breaking patient confidentiality. If you don't, you need to. Unfortunately everything you mentioned can be part of the disease.

    Definitely should not be driving. I think a new doctor is definitely in order. Also, be aware for some statin drugs can cause memory loss.
    • CommentAuthorpaulc
    • CommentTimeMay 23rd 2017
     
    I would make sure that you have Power of Attorney, Durable Power of Attorney and Medical Power of Attorney. Also, on a good day, have your husband sign a letter stating that his doctors may talk with you.

    If you attend him to a doctor's visit, the doctor thinks he has dementia, the doctor should be able to talk with you (but might not). My wife's neurologist said that my being with her at her exam implied consent on her part, so the doctor could talk with me privately. Also, the dx of dementia meant that she needed an advocate. Unfortunately many doctors simply do not understand HIPIAA and will refuse to speak with a spouse or child of the patient no matter severe the dementia. HIPAA definitely allow for discussion without patient consent in these circumstances.

    To prepare for the future and to help with these issues I recommend seeing an eldercare attorney. Without your husband.
    • CommentAuthorLee222
    • CommentTimeMay 23rd 2017
     
    Thank-you. I do have all the papers in order . I told the Dr that with his issues, which started about 3 or 4 yrs ago, that I am his power of attorney for health etc and need to know what Im dealing with and what to watch for. We live rural and there is only me here with him. Our old family dr always talked to us regarding issues for either of us. The problem is my husband gets in a mood, i was with him at the specialist and typed everything the specialist said, on my. IPad. He goes thru spells that there is nothing wrong with him, and he goes into appt and comes out telling me he can quit taking his statins she said and his aspirin. Meanwhile both are to control and maintain the plaque in his carotid and keep him from having another stroke. He lies to this Dr and I have started making an appt for myself before or after his, and I tell her what he isn't telling her. He has always been a narcissist major, so he can fool anyone. I have to give her the right info every time. Makes it challenging. I do appreciate your input. Btw does dementia affect the ability to do things, he used to be a go-getter but now he doesnt do anything but nap two or three times a day and isnt interested in any hobbies etc. he has isolated himself from everyone , and doesnt want to visit his siblings . They were always close. I have kept them in the loop about his personality changes, He used to make wine, so I am in the process of planting a row of grapes , something to maybe pique his interest. I am an avid gardener and sew, quilt, crochet and knit. I plan and do the veggie garden every yr and freeze sauce for the winter. I redo antique and vintage furniture and build things. It is just difficult to maintain everything as every small seasonal job is now a challenge. i have to take a deep breath before I mention anything . He will flip out then six hrs later or the next day, cant do enough. Is it normal for me to think Im the one losing my mind. I appreciate the responses.
  1.  
    I've just been re-reading these posts and thinking, "Boy, does this ever sound familiar!" The doctor advocating for the patient (who is lying and faking well), and not taking the caregiver seriously enough...the caregiver wondering if she is the crazy one...the worries about the patient driving...and trying to figure out how and when to take away the car keys...I just had a sense of deja vu, or "yup--been there, done that." It actually gets a little easier in a way as the patient gets worse, and the doctor, family, and friends finally start to see it and to take the caregiver seriously. It is so important that you be able to control the finances and assets...and that he can't get at them anymore. And the isolation seems to be a common thread, too, as family and friends back off. Or as the patient somehow realizes he can't cope anymore, and starts avoiding things they used to do. My husband was a TV watcher, too--I think it provides a safe and "normal" place for them to be, where there is no need to be able to function appropriately...because all they have to do is sit in a chair and look at the TV--and no real way of knowing whether they're understanding what they're looking at. I mean, how can you make a dementia assessment on someone who is just sitting there watching TV? We all do that.
    • CommentAuthorLee222
    • CommentTimeMay 23rd 2017
     
    Thanks Elizabeth. Yes, he is in front of the tv every night for hrs. He watches in his tv room all by himself. Even cutting grass with the tractor is a challenge, his moods dictate if or when the basics get done. He tells everyone stories about things that occur but it is never the true version, I sometimes think Im watching a tv show.....Good to know I am not totally crazy.
  2.  
    Have been out with the dog for an hour or so--walking and watching traffic from the hill--my exciting life. Of course, we did catch a glimpse of the nefarious feral cat that lives in the woods--woo hoo!

    I was just thinking, Lee, that if you can figure out what kind of end of life care your husband wants for later on, it will make it much easier on you. A lot of people here have had to play guessing games about whether to treat physical problems--when to intervene, what to fix, what to just let go, etc. If he has already put his wishes in writing, that would be great. If not, maybe you could get that done during his more clear moments.
    • CommentAuthorLindylou
    • CommentTimeMay 23rd 2017
     
    Yes, Lee, I agree with what Elizabeth just said about knowing in advance his wishes about end of life care. We live in Massachusetts and they have a form called Massachusetts Medical Orders for End of Life Treatment. We went and had a discussion with her physician, someone we both trust, to discuss the issues and fill out the form the way she wished. I told her I was doing the same thing with my MD and did so at my next visit. We have our forms posted on the refrigerator and carry them in our hand bags. We did this in the early stages of her dementia knowing that later could be too late.

    Having both this form, and especially this information, has made things so much easier for me. I don't feel I am continually second guessing what she would want, especially now that any question I ask her is answered only with her gazing into my eyes.

    This is such a journey we are on, Lee.
    • CommentAuthormyrtle*
    • CommentTimeMay 23rd 2017 edited
     
    Hi Lee222. Welcome to the site.

    As far as what "borderline" means, it depends on what the adjective is modifying. Is the doctor talking about a cognitive disorder, like dementia, or a psychological one, like "borderline personality disorder"? (Unless this doctor a psychiatrist or psychologist, I don't see how she can diagnose borderline personality disorder.) Only the doctor can tell you what she means.

    I'm guessing that you live in Canada. Except for mary75*, who lives in Canada, most of the people who commented on your post live in the U.S., as I do, so our advice about medical privacy laws applies to the U.S. Here, if a person accompanies a patient into a doctor's examination room, the doctor can safely conclude that the person has a right to the patient's information during that visit. If that is also the case in Canada, the doctor might answer your questions if you are in the room with your husband. I hope you can get to the bottom of this.

    If I were you, I would want to know (as best it could be known) whether your husband's rages and tantrums are symptoms of whatever disease he has (e.g., if he had FTD) or if they are emotional reactions to his inability to do the things he has always done (or a combination of both). That might give you a better idea of how to help him. It sounds like he has had enough imaging tests to give his doctors a sense of what is going on. Has his neurologist referred him to a neuropsychologist or similar professional for cognitive testing? (I'm not talking about the Mini-Mental test that takes just a few minutes; I'm talking about a test that takes several hours.) The results might identify which parts of his brain are affected and lead to a more specific diagnosis.
  3.  
    Lee222, I agree that this sounds more like FTD than AZ. This is what I am dealing with. I first noticed something not quite right may be 19 years ago. Each year sees many changes. The moods and anger are very hard to handle. Plus, when they are acting like their old self, and we get used to it, it is so hard to have them change. And the change is always very quick, isn't it?

    My best advice is to only share as much information (whether he is his old self or the new self) as is necessary. You never know what will set the new self off and it could be simply a casual statement from you about the weather. (And, always, if you think the weather is great and he thinks it is bad, agree with him. Always agree with his side of everything. To a point, however.) The main difference between AZ and FTD is that they do not lose their long-term memory as soon. MY DH only has trouble with his very short-term memory. Like what day it is and what needs to be done today or tomorrow. He also thinks that he has told me something to do or has answered a question and he has not.

    Read a lot on this site. It is so full of great advice. But I think the best thing with this site is that you learn that you are not alone. Sometimes, we feel that we are the only person going through all of this and we begin to feel that it might be partly our fault. Which it is not.

    Take care,

    Mary!!
  4.  
    As for borderline, I think that the doctor is referring to "borderline personality disorder." I actually googled his behavior early on and this is what I came up with. The symptoms for FTD and borderline are quite similar.

    Mary!!
    •  
      CommentAuthormary75*
    • CommentTimeMay 23rd 2017 edited
     
    Myrtle, as usual, you’ve made some good points. “Borderline” does seem more applicable to a personality disorder rather than to dementia, and that may fit in better with the doctor’s “confidentiality issue.” However, the doctor’s statement does not sound reasonable to me (unless the doctor has seen the husband before for mental health issues). I’m not aware of any differences here in Canada: I’ve found the doctors informative and helpful. It’s true that some may need a little prod, but they know you want to help. My first impression on reading the doctor’s statement was that it was hard-nosed. I also agree with you that it sounds like FTD and that knowing and understanding this form of dementia would help lee222 immensely. It sounds like it would devastating for the wife.
    Mary in Montana, by the time I posted this, you've posted. I see you think it's FTD too, and you've been there. Your advice will be invaluable for Lee222.
    • CommentAuthorbhv
    • CommentTimeMay 23rd 2017
     
    Wow, Mary in Montana, what a good explanation.
    Lee222, even though my DH allows me to come in with him to see the doctor I now write up a one page summary of what has changed or occurred and any issue I want him to check on. I give this to the receptionist and the doctor reads it before seeing us.
    This works really well for us. For example, when he was having explosive diarrhea and wetting his pants I wrote that in the letter. The doctor suggested lactose intolerance for the diarrhea - turned out to be RIGHT ON! And prescribed Flomax for the urine incontinence. That helped a lot, but really helped when I switched to non-alcoholic beer. Solved these awful problems without saying he was incontinent out loud or in front of him. Doc says he should keep taking the flomax forever btw.
    Last time I asked him if I was writing too much and he said no, it is exactly what he needs to know.
    •  
      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeMay 23rd 2017
     
    Personality changes like you describe can happen after a stroke. After my sister had her stroke the changes were also immediately - anger, denial, lack of caring, loss of short term memory, etc. She became nasty but could be real nice to others. She did not have the typical physical loss but sure did the mental.
    • CommentAuthorLee222
    • CommentTimeMay 23rd 2017
     
    Wow, you ladies are very informed and very helpful. Yes, I too think its dementia, and he also has family history of his father having mental issues in his midlife and his Mom had dementia. All my husband has to do is tell the dr he agrees to her talking to me. Problem is he says ok, then by the time we get to an appt weeks or days later, he is in a mood and forgets and. I try not to antagonize him before he goes in. I am in Canada and have all our living will, end of life, power of attorneys and wills in order. His new thing is moving out. One morning I get up and he is sitting at the table and tells me that he is renting a place 40 miles away and I can go live whereever and he doesnt care about the house. Ummmm.....ok...thats not happening today was my answer. Whenever you ask him something he doesnt want to answer, might be the trip to costco, might be where he put something, he is leaving . Then the next day he is back to his normal self. He too forgets conversations and thinks he has answered me but hasnt said a word. Its the rages and cruel parts that are difficult. Im a scottish irish mix, very independent and have now found that I have to practice super patience, even if later I go to the garage and let the words fly and release some pentup frustration. I am finding now that he is always kicking me out, wants me to go out and volunteer, go and get a job. Ummm I have so many things going on at home, I dont need to volunteer. i am always busy. As you say, when he is his old normal self, I think maybe I imagined it all till some little thing sets him off and then I remember nope this is really happening. If. I ask him, where do you see yourself in five yrs, where is your ideal place to live, he loves our place, we have his kayaks and the creek and four acres. He sits on the deck a lot now, even though he is very strong and trains and exercises every day but seems like nothing or nobody interests him anymore. He gets on rants about pur daughters and grand daughters and my elderly Dad who I am also watching over. My Dad is 85 and lives on his own and his mind is quick as a whip thank goodness. Its his body breaking down. He will offer to go with me to help Dad with something then I hear about it for days. I am getting so that I hate leaving him alone as. I dont know if I will come home to a for sale sign in front of the house. So Cup half full, I am learning mega patience but sometimes I am the one who wants to drive away.......ps. i am keeping a journal of his spells and rages and date them so my daughters know whats going on with him if something happens to me. .
    • CommentAuthorLee222
    • CommentTimeMay 23rd 2017
     
    Thanks. Charlotte . Actually his personality changes started about 4 or 5 yrs ago.......loss of patience, quick fits of temper, rages, .and that is why as. I saw it progress I made him go in for the test. His stroke was last fall, and I mentioned that to my daughter, that I find his behaviour and memory is even worse now and that might be why. They say even mini strokes affect some area of the brain. My younger sister takes mini strokes and told me to keep an eye on him cuz it will be very different. Since we are retired and. I am with him 24/7 i notice things that other people who see him for an hr or two dont see. He can flip in a second flat from happy and considerate to ugly, mean and demeaning. I do tell him he will not be allowed to talk to me like that....in a very calm tone....and I usually leave the room. Sorry you feel that way is my stock answer and I head for my sewing room or gardens.
    • CommentAuthorLee222
    • CommentTimeMay 23rd 2017
     
    Its very difficult to deal with ...i love you...one minute then get out the next then back to I love you. Mind games major .
    • CommentAuthorLee222
    • CommentTimeMay 23rd 2017
     
    Thanks so much for your responses and input. It has helped tremendously.
  5.  
    I also dealt with the anger issues. He had spells of being so out of control that he would grab me by the throat and shake me. I spent months with a suitcase packed in the trunk of my car. Once I told him I was going to call the police and he said "Go ahead" so I did. I told the policeman that he had Alzheimers and that I really didn't want them to take him jail. He suggested that I should take him to the hospital for evaluation if he would go willingly. We asked him if he would go and since he had calmed down by then, he said he would. I got him in my car but the policeman followed us all the way in case a problem developed on the way. That was the first time we saw a neurologist . When we had follow up visits I did what others have mentioned. I wrote a note to the doctor and gave it to the receptionist so he read it before he came into the room. Dr would then ask him questions and I would sit back and nod yes or no to his answers.

    We tried all sorts of antidepressants and antipsycotic drugs but nothing did much good.

    He started falling a lot and about a week after he started with Hospice he could no longer walk or even transfer from chair to wheelchair to bed. Hospice provided a hospital bed and that's where he spent his last 10 months. That was actually easier to deal with than all the anger and aggression.
    • CommentAuthorLee222
    • CommentTimeMay 23rd 2017
     
    That has to be the hardest part of it all. He hasn't touched me, is getting progressively angrier during these spells, though. I told my daughters if I ever feel unsafe, that is it. He would have to get medication or find someone else to look after him. I am still able to talk to him during lucid days, and have told him about the aggression. I dont think they even realize they are so scary . He tells me I am exaggerating so . i keep telling him. I am going to record him during one of his spells so he can see exactly what I see. Maybe then he will go ask about medication to calm him a bit. We have been married 41 yrs but honestly this is the hardest job I have ever had. ...i find myself resenting him for assuming I will always put up with it and be here.
    • CommentAuthorbhv
    • CommentTimeMay 23rd 2017 edited
     
    I've been struggling with this kind of aggression for the last year, perhaps more. I remember telling him before we got married that I would not put up with abuse. In that ballgame you only get one strike and you are out. Now 35 years later and alzheimers.... what to do. If I divorce him the court will appoint a conservator. I am told it could not be me in that case. I still care abut him and believe I will manage his affairs better than a court appointee.
    Elizabeth was concerned that I was allowing the aggression. I kept trying to modify his behavior and to learn better ways for me to respond. Some success with that. His doctor will give a prescription for Haldol if I just call him. I would like to avoid medication if possible. Plus sometimes he refuses meds.
    One of his few pleasures is a couple of beers on the patio before dinner. I had discussed stopping this with his doctor, but we both felt that pretty soon he would forget about it and it wouldn't matter. Why deny him this pleasure?
    Well after he refused to stop drinking one night and then cornered me and punched me several times... I locked up the beer and found a source for nonalcoholic beer. Since then he has not touched me. Still flips between "I love you" and cursing me out and once in awhile coming toward me in a threatening manner, but no touching.

    I am careful about not backing myself into a corner. I have a room set up to retreat to and lock the door. I got rid of the rifles and locked up the handguns. I am also in a rural.area but have some girlfriends in walking distance where I can go day or night. When I go outside I take the housekeys in case I get locked out. I have a checklist of what to pack if I decide to leave. Generally it is a brand new world in 15 minutes or so - for him anyway.
    • CommentAuthorbhv
    • CommentTimeMay 23rd 2017
     
    I too find myself resenting him for thinking I will continue to put up with this and also for making me do all these things he agreed to do when we retired to this place. I am trying to find some way to stop all the resentful thinking because, as my friend says, if you arent going to do anything about it you shouldn't complain. Well her husband doesn't have alzheimers and I can't seem to find a way to NOT complain about it if only to myself.
    I am setting goals to get this property in order because I think I may sell long before we thought we would. There is lots of work to do. Big house on nearly 3 acres. Lots of things to learn. I am getting pretty good with some of the power tools. And gaining confidence hiring people when I can't do it myself.
    • CommentAuthorbhv
    • CommentTimeMay 23rd 2017
     
    One more thing. About calling police. My brother in law is retired LAPD. When I talked to him about the violent night he said it was probably good I didn't call the police. Because we both had some beer they may have arrested both of us. Perhaps just me because I hit a poor defenseless alzheimer sufferer dontcha.know.
    An aquaintance with an aggressive spouse called the sheriff too many times and they somehow forced her to place him in a care facility. Of course then we are in between a rock and a hard place because if they get aggressive in the care facility I have heard they can call you to pick them up and take them home or find another place for them. Welcome to Catch 22. Come to think of it, I should read that again.
    • CommentAuthorLee222
    • CommentTimeMay 24th 2017
     
    Im sorry it has been so difficult. im reading it bhv and checking the name to see if I wrote some of that. My husband has no guns, I wont allow a gun in the house. He has started with the fist threatening thing but as I told my girls, if I ever dont feel safe, thats it, but he would be in a place where he could be looked after. I dont see that being an easy choice. we live on 4 acres and that is the hardest part for me also, is trying to make sure the required upkeep of the property is done. i have started asking questions about the water softener and water treatment etc so if he does become detached, I can either do it or get my children to help. i too feel so disappointed that we retired to our dream property and now it is fast becoming a labour camp.....ugh. I have found my dependable husband who always looked after things that broke, or needed replaced ...now has a temper fit, when I mention the windows are in need of replacing . He now is of the mindset of ...it is not important...totally opposite to what he used to be like. Is it a characteristic of this disease that the patient can fixate on one thing and do it well while everything else falls apart....because he can still trade stocks, and buy vehicles, figures that out easily but cant seem to figure out how to put the gate on the deck or drive from point a to point b without ranting at the driver who is behind him, not in front of him, in fact doesnt even have to be going on the same road. Cant put together the simplest thing itnseems. i guess different areas of the brain are affected, I assume anyways. It has been such a learning curve trying to decipher his behaviour. My loving husband is no longer loving, he is my perpetual two yr old. That is the analogy I use, my girls notice his lack of patience and his moods, if they ever saw his fits and rages, they would be heartbroken, he manages to hide the worst so far but it is getting harder for him, I notice. This disease certainly affects more than the patient thats for sure. i am past trying to get him to talk to the dr about medication, i mention it every once in a while, but i keep working on the Dr.nwhen she asks me if anything is bothering me at our yearly visits, she gets an earful. She says she will take note of the info but then he charms her into thinking it is all in my head.
    • CommentAuthorLee222
    • CommentTimeMay 24th 2017
     
    Ps. The stress has triggered me having three episodes of the shingles in the last 5 yrs. Finally got the vaccine, and I am convinced it is stress doing it.
    • CommentAuthorpaulc
    • CommentTimeMay 24th 2017
     
    bhv, my wife was kicked out of her first facility for violence. While they gave me a date she had to leave, I found out that they could not enforce it as long as I was looking for a new place for her. They they couldn't force me to take her home nor to put her on the street. Thankfully I was able to move her out before that day. Side note: they recommended 2 places that would take her, but one of the places said she was too young, so the ALF's executive director had lied in her letter to me. Of course state laws vary.

    What the ALF could have done is forced me to hire aides 24/7 to protect the other residents, which is a more reasonable request than saying you have to move out their resident now. I had to do that twice with my wife's current ALF when she was violent.

    My son had called the police on my wife. Twice. The second time the officer wanted to take my wife to the hospital but my wife didn't want to go and the social worker nixed the idea. So it was a trip to the court house (Virginia has very strict spousal abuse laws) and a magistrate and police officer who put their jobs on the line by allowing me to take her home that night. But this is a very expensive way to go.
  6.  
    To bhv, why not actually pack a "go" bag, rather than just having a checklist. You may even want to leave the bag in your car, so all you have to do is grab your keys and purse and run. Since you already have your checklist, it should be easy to put a bag together.

    Having read all the posts about the pros and cons of calling the police if the person becomes violent...I think there is no "one size fits all" answer. I get the feeling that it may open up a can of worms and cause more problems than it helps. Probably the decision would have to be made on the spot, depending on circumstances, and you would just have to try to make the best decision you could at the time. If my LO wandered away and I couldn't find him, I would call the police in a heartbeat...but that's a different situation.
    • CommentAuthorbhv
    • CommentTimeMay 24th 2017
     
    Thanks elizabeth. I have some stuff packed. The checklist is for all the electronics and chargers that I use everyday.
    And, yes, definitely, calling the police is a case by case thing. Best to know some of the horror stories before picking up the phone. My DH doesn't wander. If he does I guess I would call. Depends on the temp. They can die pretty quickly if is is 100 degrees out there. I would have to go looking.

    Lee, we lost a lot of plants because he stopped knowing how to operate the sprinkler system and how to fix things but would have temper tantrums when I tried to do it. I finally got tired of all the dead stuff and the sprinkler on one lawn in front of my window going off three times in a row on certain days. Slowly I fixed the automatic ones and learned how to fix leaks. Hired a sprinkler guy who kindly explains everything and teaches.me how to do it on my own. It is NOT like the 70s where men would try to take advantage of me every time I tried to do a traditionally male thing. But yeah, our little piece of paradise is now a labour camp. So many things he just stopped.doing and I didn't realize it. Lots of catching up lately. I am building muscle strength though. (For Wolf - another.bright side in the midst of hell.)
    • CommentAuthormyrtle*
    • CommentTimeJul 9th 2017
     
    I'm bringing this to the top for Lee222.
    • CommentAuthorLee222
    • CommentTimeJul 9th 2017
     
    Thanks so much myrtle. Been a rough day of extremes. Appreciate the thoughtfulness.
    • CommentAuthormyrtle*
    • CommentTimeJul 9th 2017
     
    Please tell us what is going on. Because of the late hour, you may not get any posts for a while, but people will definitely respond when they wake up and see your comment.
    • CommentAuthorLee222
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2017
     
    Just seems like the episodes are getting more frequent with my husband. He was wonderful for a few days then it is like a switch goes off. His newest habit is roaring at the top of his lungs and telling me to shutup. Scares me a bit, that his anger is getting so much more out there...if that makes any sense. He plans a day, like yesterday and I just follow along then accuses me of planning the stops he made. It is just worrisome and the fear factor is there, as he takes out his aggression on the dog, over the slightest little thing. The dog was barking to go see my daughter, who was visiting and he pulled the choke on him so hard. I did tell him, that it is not acceptable to hurt the dog for doing what comes naturally. He showed interest this week in building a garden display with vintage wheels and boards he picked up and I thought it would be good for him, maybe keep him occupied. That lasted a day or so, he did start it, but then he seems to get confused and agitated and not able to figure out how to finish what he planned. If I offer help, as I do woodworking myself, he gets very upset at any suggestions. I try to speak calmly and not lose my patience but he gets so cruel and mean, with his words, and makes me out to be stupid, which I most certainly am not. Nobody can tell him anything or disagree with him anymore.....he is always right. The most irritating habit he has developed is calling me names and then when I am riled enough to actually calmly answer him, ask me if Im ok, cuz my face is red while i am talking and my hands are going while I refrain from yelling. Just irritates me to the point I have to go to the garden and hoe weeds just to let off steam. His driving habits are getting worse, now he points to something and drives in that direction, causing us to go off the pavement twice in one trip to town this week. Its like he cant focus on more than one thing at a time all of a sudden. This may all sound trite and insignificant but Im just wondering where this all goes....it seems his rages are escalating now to an intimidating manner. He refuses to apologize or even admit anything is out of whack with his behaviour. We attended a car show and he was pointing to camaros and corvettes, and I noticed an Acadian and mentioned my high school boyfriend had one. Now I didnt meet my husband till I was 20 yrs old and married at 23, so of course. I had boyfriends. He made a sarcastic comment, which amazed me, we have been married 41 yrs, what the heck....I had a life before I met him. I am having health issues now, nothing serious like his , but he shows no interest at all, like he could care less, and deems my complaints to be a nuisance. All of a sudden my cholesterol is high, and my kidney is losing function. It just hurts my feelings that he shows no compassion or empathy.

    While raging over me not having supper for him at 4 instead of with our daughter at our normal time of 6 , he screamed over this boyfriend thing again, very odd, and worked himself into a frenzy. Weary is my word of the day I guess. I dont know how to get across to our Dr that he needs to be tested again , and I need to know what the results are.
    • CommentAuthorLee222
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2017
     
    Ps. i do have hobbies and keep busy, not sitting around feeling sorry for myself. i have a huge veggie garden underway and a half acre patch of lilies, multiple flowerbeds, i knit and crochet lapghans and twiddlemuffs for the seniors, refurbish old furniture, and build anything I need out of wood, recover uphostery , and quilt. So i have lots of outlets that keep me sane here at home. Thank goodness.
  7.  
    Lee, I think you have to keep the doctor in the loop and not just once a year. I remember those days--and I'm going back a long time--when DH was really slipping at home--driving was getting questionable--he was ruining the landscaping--getting hurt on the lawn mower--but was just Mr. Charming when I took him to the doctor. I'm sure the doctor thought he was fine and I was the crazy one. He would sit there and talk about stock investments with the doctor, joking and being all "man to man." Yeah right--he couldn't even pay a bill by that point, much less understand investments. Anyway, just keep the doctor in the picture, and as we've all advised others, keep yourself safe. Some people keep a "go-bag" packed, and keep their car keys in their pocket at all times. I think, too, that you can't really leave him alone with the dog, any more than you could leave him alone with a small child. The dog needs to be kept safe, too. Going through these stages where sometimes DH is fine, sometimes he's not, and he "fakes it" very well--so everybody thinks he is still OK--is just maddening. People have no idea what you are going through and what is going on at home. Just keep on keeping the medical folks informed. At some point, maybe the primary physician could refer him for a neurological consult, and maybe the neurologist will be able to pick up on the AD by the more focused testing. That is the way we got the state (New York) to take away my DH's drivers license, by the way. I didn't have to be the bad guy--the neurologist reported DH to the state, and when they came out to test his driving, they very tactfully revoked his license.
    • CommentAuthorLee222
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2017
     
    Thanks elizabeth.....its like I wrote that. He has dabbled in stocks since he retired nine yrs ago, and he does the same ing. i told our female dr how he is, but he trains and looks great on the outside. She tells me I am stressed, and wants to treat me. He will go in there and smile and charm her, and talk his way thru hrs if possible with everybody about stocks and bonds and his vicles. Meanwhile he cant make his supper without a hissy fit . He had a ministroke last yr and I told the neurologist about his road rage, she threatened to take his license then he charmed her into letting it go. This is what is so maddening, he makes me look like Im nuts, lol.......as everybody looks at him and thinks she is so lucky......yep...Im a lucky lady. See how they feel when he tells them to shutup and eat your supper , and dont talk. I do have a bag set and keys nearby. Every morning he is just calm and Talking normally, and smiling and Im the ugly one.....who hasnt slept....tossing and turning. Just maddening, i have noticed his worse time is right after his nap in the afternoon, and read about sundowning which can occur anytime of the day. Its almost like clockwork. He goes from paying off the house to telling me yesterday he is going to divorce me whether. I like it or not. Well dont do me any favors was my reaction in my head. Now today he will run all over himself being nice. I wake up in the morning...praying...give me strength Lord to get thru another day.
    • CommentAuthorLee222
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2017
     
    Sorry, i need to use spellcheck. Should be his vehicles not his vcles.
    • CommentAuthorLee222
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2017
     
    I do keep the dog close by, except when they go sit on the porch of my building after supper , and then. I try to keep an eye on him. He gets chastised for that, ....it makes it difficult for me to go anywhere as I never know what he will do while I am gone. im trying to plan a trip out East this Fall but all of a sudden he hates travelling, I guess thats part of the comfort zone thing. I read, is it. Thing is, he talks about going out West well that boring ride to get there would be an ordeal. It comes across as him wanting his way and only his way. Telling me I cant do something hasnt worked in 41 yrs. He never wants to spend the night anywhere, has this whole routine like a robot, and if you walk thru his path, he gets just cruel and ugly. I keep a journal of all his episodes, mostly for my own info, but also for my girls, if something should happen to me. Info they can use to talk to drs etc if need be to deal with him. This is not the retirement we had planned. This man is not someone I even like being around.
    • CommentAuthormyrtle*
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2017 edited
     
    Lee222, Go back up this thread and read paulc’s excellent post (on May 23) again. If you have not recently seen a lawyer who specializes in elder law, I would do that and ask about how to deal with these issues. The thought that your husband is trading stocks in his condition is frightening.

    Which doctor was it who said your husband was "borderline"? Was it his primary care physician or his neurologist? If the doctor meant "borderline personality disorder," that is a psychiatric illness/mental health disorder. However, dementia is a neuro-cognitive disorder, which causes decreased mental function due to a medical disease other than a psychiatric illness. I have no idea whether your husband is mentally ill or whether he is demented but you need to find out.

    Can you somehow get your hands on your husband's medical records? I'm not so sure that a medical power of attorney or health care proxy will give you access to your that information. The documents I'm familiar with only take effect when the person either gives you permission to exercise the power of attorney or is incapacitated. And that's the issue here, isn't it? Would he give you his written permission or request the records himself? If so, you would at least be able to see what the diagnosis was. Another thought is that instead of or in addition to meeting with his doctor beforehand, you communicate your concerns in writing. Then it will become part of your husband's medical record and the doctor will be reluctant to ignore it, especially if you point out that his behavior is making him dangerous to himself and others. If you do this, I would advise sticking to facts that show his behavior is not normal for him, such as his driving off the pavement, becoming so confused that he is unable to finish projects, being unable to manage finances well enough to pay the bills, physically abusing the dog, going into unpredictable rages against other drivers, the dog, and you. I would avoid focusing on things that might be interpreted as complaints about your relationship (his being sarcastic, bringing up old boyfriends, having a hissy fit when he makes his own supper), since those complaints might be misinterpreted as having more to do with marital strife than illness.

    I hope you are not mentioning your hobbies because someone is urging you to keep yourself busy. It sounds to me like you need a vacation. And who knows what the doctor means by suggesting that you to get help. Don't assume they thinks there is something wrong with you (rather than your husband). It might be that they think your husband is so crazy that you need professional advice on how to deal with him.
    •  
      CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2017
     
    Another idea: get a small tape recorder and tape these outburst. Even record audio of his behavior when driving. Then make an appointment with the doctor (sounds like you have the same primary) and play the events for her. If she still says it is you - find another doctor. He should NOT be driving which I am sure you know already.

    The stroke can cause the behaviors you are describing. Personality changes like that is very common. After my sister had her stroke she was lucky not to have physical problems but did have the personality changes. One minute she was my big sister then something would trigger her - a word or action - and she would become nasty and angry verbally attacking us. Thankfully my husband is not that way and hopefully will stay his pleasant self.
    • CommentAuthorLee222
    • CommentTimeJul 20th 2017
     
    Thanks Charlotte. Actually I have been trying to get a recording of his spells and rages. Havent managed to get one clear enough to play, Im usually busy trying to calm him and defend myself against his cruel remarks. I also thought that would be helpful and will keep at it. Yesterday was a normal happy day, today he is cruel and ugly. I hate this split second reversal and throwing things across the yd. just so unsettling. I am trying to get him retested as I have noted the progression. He of course thinks its me.
    • CommentAuthorCarolVT
    • CommentTimeJul 21st 2017
     
    Lee222, My suggestion for coping is to continue trying not to respond to his upset and his cruel remarks. It is extremely hard to hold back when all your buttons are being pushed and he knows what will hurt. Do you have a handy teflon cloak that you can quickly put on? No doubt you have tried this, and I encourage you to continue letting the verbal stuff roll off you, even if doing this increases the rage and volume. Your experience tells you that calming and defending are of little effect. Maybe a "Stop telling yourself these lies!" to him once in a while would come as a shock surprise reversal. Giving yourself control of your own behavior is really all one can manage. I wish you luck in finding a doctor to help.
    • CommentAuthormyrtle*
    • CommentTimeJul 21st 2017
     
    Lee, I agree with CarolVT. There is no point in defending yourself from your husband's cruel remarks. It's certainly not going to change his behavior. Better to just turn your back and walk away, as though you didn't even hear it. That way, he won't get the positive reinforcement of your attention.
    • CommentAuthorLee222
    • CommentTimeJul 21st 2017
     
    I tried that line...sorry you feel that way...for months and walked away. Now that he follows me, my scottish irish temperament takes over....
    I will try ...the .....stop...line Carol ....thanks. My patience is wearing thin. Our daughters dont see it so have no idea what a raging spell is like. They are both adults so I am almost ready to leave and let them deal with him . Im nobodys whipping boy. I have more self worth than this.