This weekend I found out that we live in the only state in the country (Indiana) that does not use social workers as investigators for Adult Protective Services. Instead, they use a lot of retired police officers, who really have no knowledge of elder issues at all. What a scary thought!
Still, the police are pretty knowledgeable about "people" issues, I would think. It would be interesting to go on some home assessments with the police in Indiana and see how all that plays out. When assessing for whether a case merits APS intervention, the operative question is, "Is there a threat to the client? What is the threat?" I would think the police would be searching out the answer to that question, just like I did with my case manager partner over the years, or of course, the way a professional social worker would.
I made it back up to NY on Saturday evening--Bandit was ecstatic--got out of the car and "peed" on all his favorite "pee" places (like the dumpster), and then with a big smile on his face ran up the steps to sit in front of the front door with his nose up against it as if to say, "OK, we're home--let me in." Some of his favorite dog and people apartment friends were outside later in the evening, and he had a high old time being petted by the human friends and playing with the dog friends. Today I am busy getting my vehicle re-registered with NY and getting a NY driver's license again. Holy paperwork and bureaucracy, Batman! You wouldn't think it would take all day--ha,ha--welcome to NY! I am just home for lunch and taking Bandit out, and having a dog grooming and play session--then back to the DMV!
Instead of going online this morning to read the Daily Mail and see Kate Middleton's newest outfits and who got bit by snakes and sharks in Australia (Cassie, do you have to be vigilant all the time? Sounds so scary.)...I made a cup of coffee and sat with my colored pencils and a Fantasy coloring book that my daughter gave me. I've never done that coloring in the coloring book thing, but in the cool of the morning with the sliders open and my hot coffee--I wasn't really awake and functioning yet--it was surprisingly pleasant. I can see why people like to do it, and I think it would be a great therapeutic activity for caregivers stressed out to the max.
Dog is resting...think I'll sneak out back to the DMV. Rollin', rollin', rollin'.
Elizabeth, I'm so glad you and Bandit are back home. I hope the flowering trees in the Hudson Valley are as stunning as they are here in the Connecticut River Valley. I have two apple trees and two crabapples and I have never seen so many blossoms on them. Maybe this means a lot of apples for me and a lot of berries for the birds this fall.
Yes, everything is in bloom here in the Empire State. Coming up the Thruway toward my little apartment home, all the apple orchards along the highway were just blossoming out in clouds of pinkish-white. Beautiful. And I got the SUV re-registered in NY relatively uneventfully. I got what they call the "Enhanced Driver's License", which means I can go to Canada without having to use my passport. Montreal, here I come!
Cassie, another snake story in the Daily Mail this morning. A python in somebody's back "garden" (Yanks would say back "yard") in Queensland. Stay safe!
I am hoping May will be a better, brighter month. Since my sister died in February it seems like one thing after another has gotten me down - shoulder pain, repairs to the RV (seems like every month something is going wrong - small things but for an RV they can be expensive), added cost for more propane due to it being a colder winter, I put his hockey on TV then he goes to sleep and he refuses to go lay on the bed to watch TV so I can watch it in the livingroom area but he refuses so I do if I can't watch it online, etc. Oh, can't forget the stress of his ever disappear memory and repeating. My shoulder which was still really hurting after PT ended due to either tendinitis or torn bicep is better - not waking me up every morning. I must say a big part of me wanted the biopsy to come back positive. Then I would have two choices (in my thinking): do nothing and let the cancer end this existence or do treatment which would hopefully mean placement for my hb. So there was a big emotional let down when it came back negative. I want to take my SS but because of medical issues I haven't been able to because it would mean loosing Medicaid until I become eligible for Medicare in October. I had set May, then June to start but I can't get in to my gyn for my 3 year checkup until June so now I will shoot for July. I am hoping to be able to pay off the CC debt from repairs then build up savings.
I am busy planting flowers in my pots - bought some, given some and some that made the winter; have red leaf and curly leaf lettuce, spinach, and a few strawberry plants I got from a neighbor last year. The lady next door and I have wildflowers (just threw a bunch of seeds out there) growing an area at the edge of the park plus I have two tomato plants planted there. Hopefully they will grow since the soil is sand except for what I mixed in with it. The wildflowers are plentiful this year due to all the rain. If you are facebook friends I have posted pictures of them. I have no desire to do anything more than the minimum around here. Hopefully the sunshine and little bit of gardening will help cause I am tired of being on the verge of tears all the time.
Hope there will be more sunshine for you today, Charlotte. I am sorry that things are so difficult at the moment and hope that you will be able to find some joy soon.
Elizabeth, it is only hype about the snakes and wildlife! Pythons are not even venomous (spelling?) and have probably been washed up with the recent floods. I have never seen a shark but I do live in the bush. I have had a brown snake in my backyard (we do say yard here too.) It is deadly but I grabbed the cat and we stood still and it went on its' merry way. The snakes only attack if they are attacked first. I have empty fields behind my house and I often see kangaroos,wallabies,rabbits, foxes etc; and lots of lovely bird life. I have two Mother possums that visit me every night with their babies, (in the pouch at first, then on their backs.) I give them peanut butter sandwiches (on wholegrain bread!) and fruit, That is a trade off as if I don't do that they eat all my plants! They take the food from my hand and allow a pat. Really, there is not much that is dangerous.
Charlotte, you know the saying "when it rains, it pours"....I don't know why things seem to come in chunks (not the good things, though!). I've been there for about the past year now & I guess I've just learned to have my umbrella handy. I know, I know...that's pretty bad :)
Cassie, raise another for me when you can! I can't do that for myself right now...I'm having so much tummy discomfort, read pain, that I dare not even have wine. I have gastritis, acid reflux & Hiatal hernia & everything is really acting up...no cancer, though, so I won't complain about the other things.
By the way, a little update. Dan has had 3 PT scans scheduled, has had 3 PT scans canceled because of his sugar levels. I'm taking this as a sign...no more scheduled scans, no radiation treatments. We're going to let nature take its course, as folks used to say. Because of his anxiety & constant walking & moving, he would definitely not be able to handle it. In a way I feel like I'm killing him, but common sense & reason must be used. Do I sound as cold & heartless to you as I sound to myself???
No Mim, you sound loving and kind to me, I would make the same decision. Does Dan take anxiety medication? Maybe they will increase it for him. Delighted to read that there was no cancer showing on your scan, I did light a candle for you on that Tuesday! No wonder your "gizzards" are causing you pain, with all that has been going on. I hope that you will feel better soon
Mim, you don't sound cold and heartless at all. I think you are caring for him with love, sensitivity, and wisdom. Why in the world make him suffer and be miserable when he doesn't understand, and it is only going to prolong the inevitable anyway. Sorry you are having a lot of discomfort, but I'm glad it isn't the cancer. A lot going on--and a lot to worry about. Hang in there, girl!
Charlotte, you are in my thoughts, too. You have been through so much, but you always seem to deal with things with a good deal of practical common sense. You are one tough nut. I'll be glad for you when you can finally get the Social Security--should ease things financially, if nothing else.
Cassie, yesterday Bandit was rolling in something cylindrical and black, and I pulled him away, thinking he was rolling in poop. It was a little, dead garter snake!. Then he wanted to pick it up. Holy moly! No big deal, I suppose, but it startled me. I don't know if you have garter snakes in Australia--probably not--these are very common, harmless snakes, also called grass snakes or garden snakes. They are not aggressive...tend to slither away into the weeds if they see you. (I should probably stop getting my Australian news from the Daily Mail--shocking tabloid full of trashy articles--but very entertaining. This morning an Australian boater was being circled by a Great White shark that was longer than his boat!)
Mim, you sound far from heartless. This disease we have been dealing with is going to win no matter what we do. At a certain point compassion and love recognizes that death is not the enemy. Dementia is. I have continued to carry you (and others now) in my thoughts and prayers) as you and they deal not only with dementia, but with personal health needs as well. I'm hoping you find peace in this decision. Will continue to carry you in my prayers.
Oh, happy day! Just sent my latest manuscript of a Young Adult novel to a line editor in preparation to send it to a publisher. Lots of work ahead of me, I know, and no guarantee that a publisher will like it. But while I'm waiting, I can get caught up on all the things I've let slide. Is it any good? Of course I always think so, and it comes as a shock when other people don't. In the meantime, ignorance is bliss, and I did do what I'd set out to do.
Mary, You are amazing. I'm confident you'll find a publisher, given your record of success.
It has been rainy and cool, sometimes even cold, so I have not done much in the yard. As soon as I can find someone to help me move a couple of heavy benches and pots out of the shed, I'll set it up for the season. Drove by a vocational school on Saturday that had a sign saying they were having a plant sale. I tried to keep the car on the road but lost control of it and it veered into the driveway of the school. (This seems to happen a lot when I go by a sign advertising a garden sale.) Prices were excellent and the students were very helpful. Bought Brandywine tomatoes, peppers, marigolds, mandevillas. (Yes, the mandevillas vines I tried to overwinter died.) I can plant the marigolds now but everything is still in the garage until it gets a little warmer.
It's cold here, too, in Vancouver, although the sun is shining brightly. I was tempted to buy eight geranium plants at Stong's food store after church today, but even they looked cold and not in the mood to be transplanted. I'm no gardener, but my husband was, and I want to plant the geraniums in his favorite sunny spot where they looked bright against the white stucco. A red rambler rose grows above and emphasizes their bright colour. I'll wait a few more days for warmer weather. The cleaning woman comes again tomorrow and I hope that between the two of us, we can finish the basement. (We spent three hours —each — last week and didn't finish.) I don't think a spill was ever wiped up, and if it's baked on a surface, it takes a lot of elbow grease to lift it. Lots of flooding in the Kelowna area from heavy rains and show melt-off. Also threats of floods in the Kooteneys. My youngest son lives up the mountain, and I guess his shack won't be threatened. He's just finished building two bridges over one of his two creeks. They're set in concrete feet and should be solid enough. Charlotte, are you okay? Haven't heard from you for a while. E9 has flown away from the eagle nest — guess you miss him as much as I do. Hi Cassie! Elizabeth and Wolf! And everyone else.
Yep, about 15 miles from there. The guy next door works there and has been in lock down all day. He is one of the essentials so his wife doesn't know when he will be home. I was reading the article in the Washington Post which explained the area real well. The tunnels have train cars stored in them that are too contaminated to be used any longer so they were sealed in the tunnels. I think it is the older tunnel with wood bracing that collapsed which would not surprise me with all the rain this year aka rotting wood and sinking sand!
Sad but exciting about E9. It is too bad they can't tag them when they are little so we know where they go or at least if they are killed and someone finds them. Oh well. The other night I got woke up about 2:30am by an owl hooting outside in the tree - was loud cause the window was closed. He has been seen many times in the park (one story is he swooped down and took someone Chihuahua), only the second time have known him to be in the tree behind us.
I love that the weather is warm now and the windows can be open. The finches, one guy in particular, will sit in the tree next to me singing for hours. Only problem it is warming up too fast - almost need the a/c. Well, I do turn it on at night to cool the bedroom off. Right now the door and windows are open with the a/c fans only going. The front of the MH where the sun hits it most of the day gets up to 90 or higher so need some air circulation. I lost both my miniature roses and hibiscus due to the cold winter. :-( The couple next door dug up an area just off the part property and we have flowers planted in there. I had a bunch of seeds I collected from a couple ladies down the way who did the same thing last year plus added my Cosmos seed to it and bought a couple boxes of wild flower seeds at the dollar store. Lots coming up but the only ones I can identify are the poppy, cosmos, and pansies. I also bought a pony pack of pansies and marigolds at Walmart to add some instant color. Most of the real wildflowers growing out in the fields are almost gone so these are welcomed. I have three tomatoes going - a cherry and early girl in that 'garden' area' and an early girl in a pot. I also have one green pepper (never had much luck with them), bought a red geranium (couldn't afford a Martha Washington), bought some small dahlias to add to the big pot with day lillies in it, and snap dragons to add to the big pot with I think - not sure. I planted a lot of bulbs but I had left them outside in a plastic tub during the winter so only one kind is coming up which I think are the glads.
Bathed and cut Jasmine today. Doesn't look the greatest (2nd time to clip her) but it will grow back. She didn't want to hold still when cutting around her head. (don't blame her).
The guy on my left side is leaving. He got laid off so moved back to his home on the west side of the mountains. He is suppose to haul his 5th wheel out this weekend. I sure hope we get a good neighbor. Would love: non-smoker, no yapping little dogs (dogs are fine, just no little yapping ones), no diesel pickup (so noisy), have flowers would be great, and most important not have a problem with Art. A young guy moved in across from us a couple weeks ago. Art kept calling his mom his wife. I spoke to him later and he said he figured it out cause his grandmother has AD. I found out people usually have no problem with him cause he is so easy going and pleasant.
This weekend will probably go to storage to get the canopy and round table to put out on the patio.
So that is what is going on.
forgot to add - the guy also adjusted the irrigation sprinklers so they hit our garden area out there so will only have to water the tomatoes when it gets hot on not water days which is Thursday and Friday.
I enjoyed your interesting news update. You write so well, it's always easy to imagine what you're saying. I think the video of E9 that I liked the most was "dancing in the rain." It makes me laugh just to see the high-steppin'.
Guess we are into another phase. Last night after a half hour I went to check on him since he was going to bed. He was just sitting there confused as to what he was to do. I know the confusion came from I had unplugged his clock cause the time was wrong - he tried to change it which he couldn't; a few days ago I took the electric blanket off but always leave the controls sitting there. I had unplugged them since if you go to turn it on it will blink. It was blinking and he couldn't figure out why. He had to have plugged it and the clock (it was blinking too) both in which he of course didn't remember doing. I figured out how to set his clock so it would be there. Today I removed the blanket controls which I wasn't happy about - oh well.
Today he still seems confused a lot. In fact, he poured a bowl of cereal then grabbed another bowl and filled it up. Then beat himself up for pouring too bowls. I just kept my mouth shut until he couldn't figure out what to do with the second bowl - told him to dump it back in the box. Washed the car and like the last time did mostly one area over and over. Guess I will blame it on the full moon we have had!
A new week starting in. Tuesday is our anniversary (46) but I won't say anything. He no longer has his calendar so doesn't pay attention to the day or dates. Fine with me cause our 'marriage' ended years ago.
Happy Anniversary Charlotte. 46 years - wow! That's an amazing feat. I hope you have an easy day. This past full moon week has been pretty bizarre. Not sure why the behaviors were more intense but I'm glad it's over with.
Yes, Charlotte, agree with cassie*. Have an ice cream cone and remember how much fun it was to run around barefoot as a kid, sitting on the back porch listening and watching a summer thunder storm, catching lightening bugs at dusk, and watching chickens cluck and peck their way around the yard.
You've written some great posts about the fun you had as a kid. Each lick of ice cream = one good memory. Hopefully by the time you are halfway done, your eyes will be closed and a smile will be creeping across your face as you remember something amusing or good.
What you are going through is hard. Very hard. Is there anything we can say or that you would like to hear from this support group?
Happy anniversary, Charlotte. I'm thinking about you and Art this morning. I remember that bittersweet feeling when I had to just let the anniversaries go on by--because, as you said, it wasn't really that same kind of marriage anymore. The trick is to do something nice for yourself--you have to celebrate a little bit, just for you. Something simple that makes you happy. And give him a little hug or a smooch on the cheek.
Hi Charlotte, Congratulations on 46 years. We tend to see wedding anniversaries as romantic milestones but in many cases it is more fitting and honest to see them as testaments to endurance, persistence, and survival. My hope for you is that someday you will have the ability to live your life as you would like to. For now, I hope you have a very nice day.
40, 50+, even 30 year marriages will become a thing of the past. I meet people in their 30s and 40s who have been married 2 or more times. No commitment there - times get hard, let's split! Yes, there are many that are bad, abusive that should end, but others that if they were really committed to their marriage would work it out. I think 40, 50+ marriages are becoming a thing of the past. And, it doesn't seem to matter if the kids were brought up in homes where parents were committed to their marriage relationship and family. So sad. It also makes me wonder what is it going to be like when they are in their senior years? People who left a trail of broken relationships and kids. I know what it is like now not having kids around for emotional support, which is fine with me. I can't imagine what it will look like 20 years from now when more people than ever might be living alone vs in a relationship.
I recently talked to someone I know who thinks that his wife is developing dementia. He is having a real problem with being angry every time she forgets something or gets mixed up about something. When I tried to tell him that it was part of the disease, he said, "But you've had time to get used to it". I refrained from pointing out that just when you do start to get used to something, well, you haven't seen anything yet! But if he's so angry about things now, I don't think he'll last as a caregiver long enough to realize that.
As for the thought that I've had time to "get used to it"... I get the impression that some people really do think that if you've done this for a while--especially if you've done it for a long time--that you shouldn't be having any problems, because it all just becomes routine. Don't we all wish that was what happens?
i agree with you Jan. We do get use to it - get use to never knowing what the next minute will be. Never get use to controlling our emotions so as not to upset our loved one or we don't want to make them feel bad. Never get use to the fact it is going to change - just don't know what minute or day.
Hb has had this obsession that is really starting to bother me - it is with men's heads. He is always teasing the guy next door about his bald head and rubbing it. Today we went to Home Town Buffet for a late lunch. While we were eating I told him I was taking him out to lunch for our anniversary. His reply 'oh' and went back to eating. While we were standing in line there was a guy in front of us that he started chatting with, then started in on his hair reaching up to touch it. This guy had a beautiful head of white hair, too. I tried to distract him which wasn't easy. How do I handle this? The guys in the park that he chats with tolerate it, but strangers are another story. Was talking to the lady next door. She wondered if having her husband start telling hb not to touch his head would help. I don't know.
Myrtle, I wanted to say something similar for Charlotte's anniversary, but couldn't find the right words. You said it so well, so much better than I could have!
I finally did the pots and pans this afternoon. The sun was streaming in the window showing me clearly how not clean each pot was yet. I noticed a rabbit run by in the backyard and then another. Then they were running the other way. Then more rabbits ran by. I went over to the bigger dining room window and there were four rabbits in my backyard. Nobody has fences around here. It's all hedges and trees and open.
The rabbits were playing. They were chasing each other around the bushes and around the tree and through the hedges back and forth and were clearing having a good time. I've never seen that before.
I hadn't seen this much of the original formica turquoise counter in a while either. It was the two week anniversary of when I cleaned up last time. That's not much of an anniversary either. You may wonder how I get through two weeks of cooking only rinsing but not cleaning the pots and pans I use. It's because I have a lot of them. I even have back up pots and pans in storage including the cast iron pan my great great grandmother hit my great great grandfather over the head with in the nineteenth century. He complained about her cooking and she took the frying pan and whapped him over the head with it. Apparently that was the end of the complaining about the cooking. I also have a set of Magnalite cookware. My SIL gave them to her sister over a number of christmases. Guaranteed for 100 years it says and I believe it because they weigh a ton. I'm guessing that the antique frying pan is around 150 years old and it looks like it's got a few hundred years left. I need to give it to one of the nephews or niece. They can give it to one of their kids. "Here is the weapon your great great great great grandmother assaulted your...her husband with." Ahh, family heritage. It brings a tear to my eye.
I hope you enjoyed your buffet on your anniversary Charlotte. I had a sandwich. I couldn't bring myself to dirty more pots and pans right away.
I hate to say it, Charlotte, but I'm wondering if you'll have to stop taking Art out to eat...if his behavior is inappropriate enough to make others uncomfortable. Maybe some of the others will chime in here.
Charlotte, You said that Art was very social, so I'm wondering if this head-touching is a way of initiating a conversation with the other man. His inhibitions are probably reduced as is his repertoire of ways to begin a friendly interaction. I think your idea of having a man in the park react negatively is worth a try. Actually, I would ask the man to just frown and walk away from him, so he gets minimal attention. Maybe you could help Art to come up with a more positive way of approaching other guys.
I would hate to see you stop going out to eat, since that is probably as beneficial for you as it is for him. At least, that's how it was for me when my husband was at that stage.
My DH got to the point where his mental status was so obviously off--although he was pleasant and social--that I felt it was better for his dignity not to take him to restaurants any more. Also he was pretty tippy on his feet by that time, so I figured sooner or later he was going to have a fall. It just got to the point where it wasn't worth the anxiety to me. But I don't think Art is anywhere near that point yet.
Charlotte your story brought back a memory for me cannot remember how long ago it was probably a year and a half two years ago. We use to go out for a beer sometimes and this day we dropped into the local legion sat at the bar next to a few fellows we knew but not well. The fellow sitting next to Lisa had a mustach and out of nowhere She reached over and started to play with it. He knew Lisa had Alzheimer's and just looked at me and said it is ok. Turns out he had experience with his relatives so was not upset at all.
Myrtle I don't think I could have told Lisa it was inappropriate don't think she even knew what she was doing just saw the mustach and wanted to touch it. That seems so long ago now, a time when we actually went out socially. Now I will visit her she is always happy to see me but can look right at me and ask where her husband is. I haven' taken her out to eat for awhile now I use to take her for lunch but just too hard now.
Charlotte, how about cards that say "My husband has dementia (or Alzheimer's). Please excuse him." Or something of that nature, to inform strangers why he is doing the things he does. Just lift the card out of your pocket or purse and discreetly show it to the person or hand it to them.
Charlotte, I have those cards that Bev mentioned...I can send them to you if you'd like (I should make sure I can find them before I offer!!). I only had to use them very few times.
Got my side flower bed planted & decorated (ala Pinterest, FB decorating groups)...I rather like it! The front porch was hosed down yesterday, but need to wait for my son's help in putting the furniture out. A little more than I can handle by myself.
Dan seems to sleep a little more when I go to see him...I assume he's doing that even if I'm not there. Was finally able to take him outside to enjoy the fresh air, warmth & sunshine. He seemed happy out there...till he fell asleep in the chair! With the cancer & AD, I'm sure there will be more of this to come. I just pray for strength.
Rona - I had to laugh at the picture of her doing that. I am sure you weren't laughing at first but great the guy was not bothered by it.
Mim -I have thought about those cards for a long time, just never got around to it. I don't think I would need many so figured I could print a few up. I appreciate the offer to send them but don't think it would be worth the postage. (my mom called it our thrifty Scotch background).
Early this morning DH took a pretty good tumble getting out of bed. He was bruised and shaken, and has seemed somewhat rattled all day. Note to the person who told me that I've "had time to get used to it"--yes, this is just another routine day in Caregiversville. Even before my eyes are open all the way, I'm trying to check for broken bones and lumps on the head. DH's life flashed before my eyes before I knew he was okay.
I'm thankful that DH is still at home, where when something like this happens, he can have ice packs and lots of reassurance (and really checking him over), and tucking him back into bed. I've seen what happens in nursing homes, and was not reassured by the staff's actions in a similar situation.
DH hasn't had a fall in about 7 or 8 years. Almost every day he walks a block each way to get the mail, and seems to have no trouble with that. We don't know if this was just an accident that could happen to anybody, or if it's a sign of things to come. But for now, "move slowly and hold on to something when you get up" is the new house motto.