Dh and I have always a once a week "Date Night" where we would make a very nice dinner have a few cocktails and discuss our week or what's in the news or new ideas....basically solve all the problems of the world.
Now I still have the date night but the intriguing converstion is no more. If I try to get DH to express new ideas or what his thoughts are, it is very shallow. If he has more that 2 cocktails he will not even remember the evening.
I sure miss this part of him and our special evening.
Is there something special you really miss and are comfortable with sharing?
I miss the same thing. I'm kind of used to it now, but dinner out and great conversation were one of the highlights of our marriage, and his ability to engage in conversation at a complex level dissipated long before we got a diagnosis as to why.
Yeah, I don't really confide too much in anyone now, because Jeff was the person off whom I bounced pretty much everything. So I keep my own counsel and that can feel lonely.
I don't know what hit me when I read your posts, but I started to cry. I try not to dwell too much on what I miss, but when I do think about it, I cry.
This is hard to explain, but I miss "US". If you read the love story I wrote for the "Love Stories" section, I talked about how, although we were separate individuals, when we came to together, we formed a new unit. We called it "US". For someone who writes extensively about emotions, I can't find the words to describe this, but we were a special team - that's what I miss the most. I have to stop writing, because the tears are blurring the words.
For a few of the "middle years" of our marriage we were finally two very distinct personalities, and individuals. But we seemed to reach a period of harmony. Like we could almost read each other, think alike. He always told me how he loved my independant nature. AD changed all that........took it away from us. Now not only can he not think WITH, or LIKE me, he isn't able to think independant of me at all. A while back when Joan asked the question of how AD affects the marriage that wasn't great before the disease. I wrote about how we had turbulence for the first several years. Finally, after nearly a decade there were major changes, and we were happy. Then AD came and disrupted it all.
This may sound bizzarre, but it is my two best friends who died within 2 months of each other a year ago that I really miss most. Their support and our daily chats until they themselves became too ill, helped me get through the early years of AD. It is so much more difficult now.
I miss the conversation. I don't even want to go out to eat anymore unless we have company. Inge, I'm so sorry you lost your friends. Everyone needs someone to talk to.
I miss cooking together. The other night I cried when I remembered his biscuits, "so light they could float" and his fried chicken, "is it perfect yet?" I had to limit how often he could make it, but then he started making the best grilled chicken. We had good team work! I never had to make the turkey for Thanksgiving.
I also miss going camping. We full time RV'd for over a year. What a wonderful time we had. It took a full year to just cross the country. Now I only have the memories and the Journal he kept.
I miss not ever having peace of mind. I am constantly anxious and afraid of what is going to happen. I get up at 6AM to feed the cat and love to sit quietly with my tea, my paper and my thoughts. I am always listening for Gord to get up and worrying about who he will be when he comes into the kitchen. I wait and watch as sometimes I can just see him crossing over into the depression that assails him. Or watch as he becomes cunning and tries to trip me up on the names of our children. I mess peace of mind. Jan
Something hit me yesterday that put me over the edge and I am still feeling the depression today. It was six years ago this month that Ralph was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. It has been six years of lose, grieving, anger, and all the emotions that go with AD. Why it hit me so hard, I have no idea. The tears were there for what I have missed, mainly Ralph. How do you shake these feelings? You go along fine for awhile, and bang, out of the blue, you are down, lonely and depressed. I know I have to face the reality of the situatation, but today I don't want to do that. I guess the grieving never leaves!
I miss being babied. Isn't that awful? I guess what I mean is that I miss not having to be in charge all of the time. If I'm tired and having a bad day, I used to could count on Robert to pick up the slack. Not anymore.
And I miss being able to talk about things without them turning into arguments. I miss being able to talk to other people without Robert lurking around trying to hear my conversation. He is so paranoid.
I miss being able to shop without him there and without him wanting a male version of everything that I'm looking at. (pretty soon, we're gonna be one of those couples whose clothes always match.)
I miss not having to tell him to take his medicine, to dose it out, to check that he took it, etc.....
In addition to what I wrote before which really didn't belong on this board, I miss all the things you do, Leighanne. I even made the mistake of taking O to my hairdresser once to get his hair cut and now he won't go anywhere else. I used to love this time with this great listener but now it's the two of us and it's so different. I shouldn't complain though- some of you have it a lot worse than I do.
I miss M's intelligence and ability. She could do everything from pilot an airplane to cook a tasty breakfast. We did so many things together over our 42 years of marriage. Now she can't operate a zipper or auto seat belt without my assistance.
As I read these letters, I realize how sad we all are to have lost our loved one. Leighanne, you are closest to what I miss, but we all seem to miss conversation. I can't have a conversation with Dick without him deciding that I'm arguing with him. This at the short periods when he's actually up and awake, which he's mostly not. I went to volunteer at our church's thrift shop (which I do occasionally on Saturday morning) just to do something and talk to people, even though they are customers purchasing, and not friends to open my heart to. Mostly, my only confidantes are my daughter and my daughter in law and a dear friend in Florida. Just as Leighanne said, I miss having him be responsible for himself. I'm tired of having to remind him to take pills, and eyedrops. I'd just like to be married to a grownup again.
The question about what I miss the most really struck a nerve. I could hardly think about it without crying. I don’t think about it too often, or I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed.
What do I miss? Hope. Making plans together for the future. Being a passenger in our car when we go somewhere. Sharing responsibilities. Having somebody to drive me to the emergency room when I’m really sick. Having somebody who would notice that I’m so sick that I need to go to the emergency room. Sharing memories of a lifetime. Having any new clothes in the last five years. Knowing that somebody can fix all the little or big things that break or wear out on the house or the car. Conversations that last for hours. Being off duty. My sister, who let me know that if I needed support, I should talk to someone else, and who told me that she didn’t want her children exposed to this. Getting a Christmas present or a birthday card from my husband.
What do I miss most? My husband. The husband who is sitting in the room with me, but who isn’t really here any more. That’s what I miss the most.
Jan, you just clinched how every response in this thread is resonating with me in a big way! I always drive...who can take care of me...never being off duty!
It's nice, in the sense that all this stuff affirms that I'm not just a bellyacher. Even though I don't complain out loud, sometimes just having these thoughts inspires guilt. But with everyone here saying the same things, I know there's nothing wrong with me feeling this way.
Your post really hit me. I am 53 years old with a very young husband with this awful disease. I miss being a passenger in a car when I am too tired to drive. I miss making plans for the future. Yes, I do know what it's like not to receive a christmas or birthday present anymore. I do miss the husband that could fix anything. I miss the husband that can understand what I say. I miss the husband who could figure things out and be one step ahead of me. I miss the husband who would look forward to watching football and bull riding on TV (now he doesn't even know what that is). Does anyone agree with me that it's a blessing that they don't know what's happening to them?
polly said: "Does anyone agree with me that it's a blessing that they don't know what's happening to them?"
Probably, at least to an extent. Since my husband's still early stage he knows a few things: He knows he's feeling at loose ends now that he's had to retire, and he still thinks he can do something about it, so he talks about--for example--buying a house to renovate and sell, NOT realizing that he's incapable of doing the work. I think the combination of distractibility, short term memory, and inability to organize anything more complex than throwing grass seed on the lawn will keep him from trying to plan such an acquisition, but it would be nice if he seemed to be completely satisfied with watching tv, reading the paper, and accompanying me on errands. He knows he misses doing something more meaningful without knowing he can't do it.
Emily, my husband too is at he stage where he can still a do a lot. However, every day he comes across something he did without even thinking and now has to ask me for help. It distresses him immensely. He used to be able to figure out anything at all around the house, now he even mixes up keys and gets frustrated when the one he thinks is the right one doesn't work. We bought a lawn mower with an electric starter because he couldn't start the old one. Now it's too complicated to winterize and he can't start it any more without help. The ability to reason things out has gone and that is so sad. I have learned to quietly show him how something is done rather than losing it as I did before.
I think one of the things I miss the most is not being able to have a conversation. When there are family problems like we are now enduring, it is impossible to explain what is happening. I have to censor all comments as anything sad can push Gord into a period of depression despite hefty doses of an anti-depressant. Every person that I mention has to be given an explanation such as that is our niece or his children etc.
I miss his offering me his last bite of pie, his last sip of coke. I miss the warmth of his body, the strength of his arms, the sound of his breathing and special smell. I miss his calling me from the kitchen to step on the brake pedal while he's underneath our car bleeding the lines. I miss his smile and who is going to get that spider lurking right now in my bathroom?
I've reread all the comments many times and I agree with all of you. There is so much we miss. I'm lucky my husband still has his since of humor and can still make me laugh but I miss him reading the paper to me at night. I miss the planning for our future. I miss his positive attitude and the list goes on. But after much consideration I think I miss "me" the most. The person I was before AD took our future and consumed our lives. We still have "us", just in a different way. John doesn't know the difference but I do.
I just read all of the comments. I feel like I have been travelling without a map for the last two years and have just stumbled upon a tribe of people that speak my language. Thank you! I do talk to friends about what I am going through, but really, no matter how empathetic a person is they just don't know what this feels like. I miss who I used to be before this happened to us. I miss how B. used to keep me supplied with my favorite foods from the grocery store. I miss being part of a romantic, sexy couple. I miss having time alone in my own house. I miss not feelin guilty for being away. I miss his sharp wit. I miss playing cards with him and getting mad because he could "count cards" and I could never win. I miss having someone man the barbecue. I miss long soul-stirring kisses. I miss lying in bed and watching him sleep and thinking I am so lucky that he loves me--he picked me. I miss talking about our future. I miss running things by him. I miss feeling truly listened to. I miss the optimistic certainty of a bright future.
Comment Author Mary Comment Time 14 minutes ago edit delete
We finished each other's sentences. We enjoyed the same jokes, and found the same things funny. We LOVED to go to football games together. Not any more.
I miss him taking care of me, getting the car serviced, always keeping the car filled up with gas. We used to joke about my not even knowing which side the gas tank was on. I miss him not fixing everything around the house. I miss spending time with my friends while he spent time with his. I miss traveling with him. He is more confused when we're traveling so we just don't anymore. Most of all, I miss things the way they were before.....
I miss living with an adult; talking about adult things; cuddling in an adult way. Instead there is an adult sized "ten year old" living in my house... Loud, moody, forgetting, absorbed in his own needs, not aware of most adult responsibities. I terribly miss the wonderful, caring professional I married... AD stinks.
I really miss not being able to travel anymore. we would take two vacations a yr, one in winter to ski anywhere in the world there was snow, the other usually to a romantic beach or cruise. the fun preparing and having something to look forward to is much missed. divvi
I miss him not being attentive when I am telling a story. I miss not having the opportunity to initiate an adult conversation with him for fear of it starting a rant. I miss him not starting a conversation with me. I miss not being able to watch a movie without me having to pause and explain a scene.
Ditto all of the above, but also the sense of humor. It just doesn't exist any longer, and that is what makes so many things bearable....and affection..that is just gone, except from Bailee, my pup, but somehow that isn't quite the same! I:-)
I miss us making decisions together i.e., buying a new roof or new kitchen cabinets. Which annuals to plant. I miss us reviewing books and movies together. We used to come up with some really wild opinions which naturally led to long, involved discussions. I make all the decisions now myself. I try to include him and ask which roof he thinks is best. He just tells me to pick it out. You'll do a good job,he says. I really miss his ideas and opinions.
i miss wrapping my arms around the waist of bobby as we took off on his harley down the road. utter and complete control given over to him as i trusted his driving. sometimes i wish i could give utter and complete control over to someone else but for now i accept being in control as he was for me during those times.
I miss "everything" about "us"! Snuggling, him bring my coffee to bed, going with me to Church, funerals and everywhere. I can't go to funerals now I know I would be too emotional. I miss "us"! I don't like being the one to make decisions, I'm sad that I had to declare him incompent to get Conservatorship and sad I will sell land to pay for him caregivers. He would have never sold land, he always said, "they don't make land anymore".he was so wise and loved me very much. I am sad when I look in those baby blue eyes and wonder is he still knows who I am. I miss "us"! (Please forgive mis-spelled words) nellie
What do I miss? The guy who used to live in FD's skin. This person is so self-absorbed and the other guy was always looking out for me. He said last night " when are you going to be my companion"? Well how can I be a companion to someone I don't know any longer? I miss telling him all that is going on with our daughter - important stuff and I need his input because he could sort out the b.s. and get to the heart of the matter. I'm struggling with everything now - checkbook, health issues - you name it and I NEED him. This is a new world for me. Everyday I wake up and have this anxious feeling and think what is wrong? Then it hits me like a kick in the gut - everything is wrong. FD is gone and someone else has moved into his skin.
You are stronger than you realize. I share your loss. You are probably doing a great job with the jobs you have inherited. Just take one day at a time and you won't be so overwhelmed. When you go to bed at night pretend you are putting your problems on a shelf until they are picked up the next morning. I know it sounds simplistic but you must take care of yourself for your daughter's sake if not your own. You are in my prayers.
Andy, sounds like a familiar tune . . Lesley Gore maybe. .I miss the spark, the laugh, banter, . . I even miss the arguing we did back when it was "fair". . The disagreements and verbal confrontations are no longer fair . .to anyone. .
Something I really miss having with dh is meaningful conversation. He doesn't comprehend what he reads, hears or sees on TV. Sometimes I am not sure he knows me as his wife but maybe a housekeeper or secretary. Sometimes I think if he were a 5 yr. old, I could enjoy myself more. He likes baseball on tv but never knows where they are playing, what the score is. Never knows our players names. This is just weird for me. I never prepared myself for this Mickey Mouse life. Maybe the schools are missing the boat and should include classes in AD. After a semester of that, no one would go down the aisle in marriage. Things could be worse and most likely will be. I am thankful they are what they are today.