It finally happened. After more than 10 years of this horrible disease called dementia, I am a widow. He died on January 31, 2016. I was with him as he took his last breath. What do,I feel? I was praying the Lord would take him while I was with him in the nursing home the last 11 days of his life. He was so thin, just skin and bones really. They let me stay. I am so grateful for that. He had some hours of what I hope was lucidity. My kids got to spend some time alone with him one evening while I went home to,take a shower and they said he smiled and had his eyes open as they,kidded around with each other as to who was his favorite. That made them happy and I hope he was too. Most of the time.his eyes were closed but I had a few moments when he would just look at me and I just knew he could see me, his wife of 58 years, finally. His tears told me so.
How do I feel? I thought I was doing well at the wake and funeral, talking and laughing and remembering good times with so many people who remembered him as someone who would do,anything for anyone, a generous man with his time, money and emotions. Today I feel profound grief for the man I loved before he had dementia, love for the man I took care of for eight years, and love for the man who finally had to live in a nursing home for the last two years of his life. I can do nothing but cry today and decided to write this now.
I was good to him while taking care of him. I never asked why me? I never asked why him? I just figured it was just something we had to deal with, like others deal with their illnesses. But today, for the first time in all these years, I did ask why? Why did he have to lose the last 10 years of his good life, this intelligent, caring, loving man? Why was he not able to see and know how his grandchildren have grown into,such wonderful people? But I'm smarter than that. I can't question, why? It isn't for me to know. I will have to accept it and get on with my life. I'm relieved he isn't suffering anymore and I'm so grateful he was in a place where there were people who were loving and caring to him. I couldn't have asked for more.
I also send you my most sincere sympathy Bev. It has been a long and troubled road but you got your husband safely to the end so try to take some comfort from that. May peace and strength surround you in the days ahead.
My deepest condolences to you. I have been where you are, have felt what you are feeling, as have all of us who have been made widows/widower by this horrid disease.
The best advice I received was to take it slowly, feel what you need to feel,do what YOU feel is best for you, not what everyone else thinks is best for you,and rest as much as you need.
I am very sorry to hear of your great loss. You were a wonderful wife and caregiver to your husband. Try to hold on to the good times that you shared together over the years. Rest and take care of yourself during the difficult months ahead.
I found your post beautiful it says it all he was a lucky man to have you. It is a tough journey but you travelled it well take care of yourself the sun will shine again.
It isn't surprising that your feelings are changing after the funeral and everyone else has gone home. In addition to your loss you now have more time to think of things. Thoughts will surface that you were probably too busy to deal with before. I recommend joining a bereavement group to help work through your feelings.
Another difference was you loss during the years of dementia were ambiguous. His mind was going but his body was still there. Now both mind and body are gone, the loss is more concrete. So a new type of grieving.
Thank you so much for all the support I received from this wonderful site. If it hadn't been for The Alzheimer Spouse I don't know how I would have managed for as long as I did. This site taught me how to cope with the awful changes in mood from one day to the next. I learned how to walk away from an argument, never argue with him at all, although that wasn't always easy. Everyone had the same type of problems I had. It was helpful especially in the early stages. I had so much to learn, but I was taught how to cope. I went to a support group but gave it up because it wasn't as helpful as this site was.
I hope in the future I can give back some of the knowledge to others that I gained. It's the least I can do. Thanks to Joan, who lived what we lived, and helped so many of us by starting this site for all of us. I am so grateful to you.
Bev, so sorry for your loss...my husband just passed away in October and it is a very different type of world now, this being a widow...although I have not found my rhythm as of yet, I do find the times for tears are getting a little bit better...I hope you will get some comfort knowing your husband's difficult journey is over and the times ahead will bring memories of the life you shared before he became ill...take one day at a time...it will get better...
Bev, you have my sincerest condolences. It's been a hard, rough road but you loved & cared for him all the way. Sending you {{{hugs}}} & thank you for sharing your experience.
Bev, I am so sorry for your loss. Your post was very moving and says a lot about the life you had together. I hope that you find peace and solace in your memories and in the days ahead as you begin to heal...
Bev, I am so sorry for the terrible loss in your life. The pain is indescribable. Go slow and accept all the love and hugs you can find. When the dust settles, come back to this site. There are many insights that will help explain what you're going thru. Every so often later, when society says you should be healed up, and you're not, come back to this site. There is so much valuable information here on your new journey of widowhood, come back. Hugs to you, Sue