My husband and I have lived in a senior community for nearly six years that has just reconstructed a section for assisted living and memory care. I have arranged to have a room for him in the memory care section when it is open in March. I am asking for opinions of how to handle the transition. He does not know of the plan for his moving there, based on suggestions from a few professional people who are staff members here. I understand their point of view, but I am not comfortable with the 'secrecy' and not planning together for this event in OUR lives. Yes, he will not like it, yes, he will forget we had the discussion. I am asking for any input from those of you that might have had a similar experience and would be willing to share. He is almost 84, I am almost 80. Thank you in advance.
Based on my experience in a somewhat similar situation, I did discuss it with him. In retrospect, I see that I did it because it made me feel better. As far as I could see, it did not make any difference to him. He hadn't understood and didn't remember. It may have comforted him at the time that I sought reassurance by talking to him. Do what you have to do and rest comfortable in the decision.
I know people who have been through this but it was a parent, not a spouse. They avoided mentioning it ahead of time, realizing it would cause anxiety. In one case the woman and her aunt took her mom out for the weekend. On the way back they said that her room needed repairs so she would need to stay temporarily in the assisted living part of the complex. The transition went smoothly for the most parts.
My biggest question for you is, can he help plan (even if he forgets about it 5 minutes later)? Do you think mentioning it will make him anxious? You are probably best off not mentioning it to hm but every case is different. I know one man who when he placed his wife (they were living in their house, not a retirement community) told her that he had heart problems and was being ordered into the hospital so she had to move into an ALF until he could be released from the hospital (he does visit her and says they let him out for short trips so he can see her).
Peggy, there are also many post around this subject on www.ftdsupportforum.com. You will need to register to participate, but there is great depth of advice. Many members are caring for undiagnosed persons, so it is not limited to FTD, but covers many topics around dementia as well. I also suggest sherizeee.blogspot.com.
Hi PeggyG, I think it depends on your husband's ability to understand what is happening and also his ability to remember what you tell him. If your husband can't understand you are telling him, then there seems no point in telling him. If he can understand but won't remember, then there's no point in telling him in advance. I do see a benefit in bringing him to the facility a few times in advance, though, because people with dementia often recognize places and landmarks, so it might make it familiar to him when he moves in.
People have given a lot of good advice on this subject in discussions on other threads. Go to the "sticky" called "Caregiver Life with Spouse in Residence," and go to page 16. You'll see that on May 19, 2014, I posted a question similar to yours and got several good answers. Also, I am bringing a thread to the top called, "How do I prepare him for the nursing home?"
On the day of placement, it is very helpful to have dinner plans with understanding friends or family. You may not feel like going out, but force yourself to. The more often you can go out during those first weeks, the better for you. Being alone is a new reality and your adjustment is just as important as your spouse's. Did you catch that? Just as Important.
Next to my husband's death, this was the most difficult time for me. The day I brought him to the nursing home I was, literally, hysterical. Of course, my situation was different. He was brought there after.a hospital stay for rehab, but I knew he wasn't ever going to come home again. It took me a long time to get used to it. I went every day for the first three months and stayed for 3-4 Hours each time. I don't think I would recommended you do that. I would still visit him the first week but maybe not every day. Each time I would go I would have to answer the same question, why can't I go home? It was very, very difficult.
I don't think I would tell in advance. There are certain things that stick in their minds and won't let go of. I would tell him on your way there, maybe prepare him earlier by saying there might come a day when you cannot take care of him anymore so that kind of a stays imprinted on his mind, and just tell him that when you get there. I would also not be alone with him. I would have family with to help.
We did not tell my husband before hand what was going on...he never really seemed to recognize that there was even anything wrong with him. Our one son & I took him, stayed while he was being settled in, he never questioned it. I don't understand that...he went so quietly & innocently. I must admit it made me feel terrible, shed tears, but in the long run, it was better for him. Had we tried to explain it, it would have just upset him as he would try to understand, becoming more & more frustrated & angry. It's been ten months now, he's had his ups & downs (as I have had also!), but he's as settled in as he is able to be.
Mim feel similar it has. Ow been 7 months and people ask me all the time how Lisa is doing. what can you say. "She has settled as good as she can". I get started then just say she is doing as well as she can. I want to say she is scared all the time, she wants to go on a holiday to Mexico, doesn't like all the people , etc etc but what for. She is doing as well as she can and so am I period.