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    • CommentAuthorJazzy
    • CommentTimeJan 6th 2017
    Re. Me trouble with my CPAP... To much humidity. Fills the lungs with congestion. Tried my old difference...antibiotics to keep infection away.. I have asthma.
    New walk- in shower being installed. Takes days. Stay here cough and cough.

    DH... Well were do I start. Memory going away. Doesn't know what a honey dew Mellon, cantaloupe or Brussels sprout is. He will try to tell you something but it is gone before he can get it out.

    He told me he was very upset and had to go and talk to his nurse.. About me. It seems I don't kiss him, hug, him, hold hands with him. When I asked what she said he told me it was none of my business. Very nasty reaction.

    Yesterday was his Doctors visit day. He had told his Ward nurse and I that he wasn't sleeping half the night. She thought that his meds might need tweaking or changing. His Doctor called me and we had a long talk about his meds and very angry and behaviour.
    Last night he asked if the Doctor had called me. I have learned not to discuss conversation with his Doctor or nurses as it always turns out bad for me so I just said" was he supposed to call me?" He got very angry. A few minutes later he asked again and when I again refused to discuss it with him he hung up.
    When I tell him about the Doctor calling me he gets very angry and tells me it us none of my business. I tried a dementia fiblet but he found out that I had lied and all hell broke loose.
    I'm so tired if being the wiping post.
    I love him very much but he is so hard on me and so nice to others. It really hurts.
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeJan 6th 2017
    I've been thinking about your post. He singles you out. You mean something to him no one else does. I think it may be possible that you are the thing he is losing.

    He's made every trade off by himself including putting himself into a home and actually working to make that work. He doesn't have all the cards in his deck he used to have. He has no chance of being truly himself where you've said enough specifics over the months to see it is steadily eroding him. But when it's you - it's the direct line to everything he is actually losing - and he HATES this whole thing.

    You may not be the target. You may be his only possible outlet to his real truth.

    Hang in there kiddo.
    • CommentAuthorJazzy
    • CommentTimeJan 6th 2017 edited
    Thanks Wolf you maybe right. I just wish he would take it out on staff not me. Maybe I'm being selfish but I'm getting tired of being the target. I guess that's the woes of a caregiver and wife,
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeJan 6th 2017
    Those ARE the woes of a caregiver and a spouse. But you are a human being too and your feelings and welfare matter just as much.

    I'm afraid this is a slow motion train wreck that nobody can stop and while that's terrible and I'm sorry that he's being cruel to you, the truth is that in the long run, it's you that matters in this story the most where, once again I'm sorry, but his life is written.

    The day will come when you miss his cruelty. That is the true depth of the cruelty of what is happening to all of us.
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeJan 6th 2017
    People are always talking about the humidity in their CPAP. Hb has never used that feature. One time when we were at the VA getting his card read a guy came in the was upset because of the mold growing in his. I asked if he used water in it and he said yes. I told him my husband never has. He had no idea you didn't have to use the humidity part - only if you get dry from the air which my husband seems to not have a problem with.
    • CommentAuthorJazzy
    • CommentTimeJan 6th 2017
    I am now very sick with nasal and chest congestion. Today Dr. put me on a nasal steroid as synopsis are all swollen. Cough is really deep so prednisone.
    I fell asleep in my chair with my electric blanket wrapped around me didn' wake until the plumbers were leaving and they woke me to show me my new walk- in shower. They even moved my car back into the yard for me.
    Kevan hasn't called me since 19:30 last night. Not even my usual goodnight call.
    He really wanted his way. I'm wiped out so off to bed.
    • CommentAuthorcassie*
    • CommentTimeJan 6th 2017
    Hope that you will manage to sleep, Jazzy and that all will look brighter tomorrow. Take care. xx
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeJan 6th 2017
    Hope you feel better soon Jazzy. Art sneezed all night Monday, Tuesday I am the one with the cold. Thankfully I don't get as sick as you are but I did have sore throat, coughing and congestions. Mainly only have the congestion left but it was enough I did not go to PT today - didn't want to spread it plus I hate blowing my nose in public.
    Hope the meds are kicking in and that you start to feel a little better today, Jazzy. Hugs. ((( )))
    • CommentAuthorJazzy
    • CommentTimeJan 7th 2017
    Thanks for your wishes.mi am very sick. Not very hungry. My DD brought me some orange juice, ensure, and some microwave dinners.
    I just don't feel like even heating. The micro wave dinners only take Four and a half minutes. I have ginger ale (Canada Dry) of course. Of course ice cream....bad girl...

    No calls from DH just a couple of emails to tell what he has been doing.
    Be well, Jazzy. If nothing else, get those fluids into you! And remember, ice cream counts--because it melts into a fluid. So you are not bad. : D
    • CommentAuthorJazzy
    • CommentTimeJan 9th 2017 edited
    It's five fifteen in the morning and I just got home from the hospital.
    Ambulance,3 ventalin masks, chest exray heart test, blood tests.

    Bad asthma attack. Difficulty breathing. Really scared me this time.
    Homemaker coming at 08:30, plumbers coming at 08:30 to finish my new walk-in Shower and paint ( no smell kind)

    You know, I realized tonight that there is no one to call when I am that sick to even come with me. I am totally alone. No support. My DH lives about a half hour away and has a special needs child and her husband is gone away working most of the time so I feel bad if I have to call her, so I just go alone.

    It's terrible to suddenly face that reality. You are now totally alone.
    I'm so happy I have all of you.

    OMG, Jazzy--I wish we were closer so I could come over and keep an eye on you. Very scary. After all your people come and go, I think you should just put your feet up and rest for the remainder of the day--you couldn't have got much sleep last night. I hope your dog lets you get some peace and quiet, and doesn't just want to take walks and play all day, like mine does. Hugs (((((( ))))))
    • CommentAuthorJazzy
    • CommentTimeJan 9th 2017
    My Willy will either crawl under the covers and curl up against me or on top of the covers. He will wait until I start moving around and my breathing changes then put his front feet on my chest and push me with his back ones and if that doesn't get me to laugh he will start kissing my chin and ears. Nice way to start the day.
    Jazzy I am so glad you went to the hospital. I have been concerned ever since I read your post about not having enough energy to even cook micro-wave food. Terrible to be that sick!

    I also suffer from asthma at times and it is the worst!

    I am also totally alone. For years now I realized I could be dead for days before anyone would know. One and one-half years ago I set up with another single woman that we send each other a brief email each morning letting us know the other was alright. We each have each other's house key and emergency contacts. The plan is if we don't get an email by 10 in the morning we phone and if no answer we come over. So far we haven't had to do that. However, I can't tell you the peace of mind it gives me especially since I have cats and chickens I would want taken care of. My friend knows their routines etc.

    It also helps me feel SO less alone. Nice too to get a daily little email sometimes with only the subject line "Good morning."

    Like you I am also so grateful to have our friends here. Like Elizabeth says I hope you can tuck in and get some well deserved rest.

    • CommentAuthormyrtle*
    • CommentTimeJan 9th 2017
    Jazzy, That is terrible. I hope you feel better soon. So glad you have Willy. Sometimes our pets give us the only reason we have to smile all day.

    katherinecs*, What a good idea!
    • CommentAuthorJazzy
    • CommentTimeJan 10th 2017
    I'm finally starting to feel a little better and eating more.
    Kevan says he won't talk to me until I tell him if his Doctor called me. I told him I won't be holding my breath.
    I have decided to finally set some boundaries and this is the start. It's actually kind of nice. No more bossy phone calls or instructions everyday. I'm quite able to take care of these things.
    I love him but being this sick for this long has given me time to think about me, about what I can and cannot live with.
    Because of my being sick I haven't been to visit or taken him out and I think it has been best for both of us.
    He sent me an email this morning to tell he fell and he discibed the fall. I called his Ward nurse and she had no report so she spoke to his RPN and what happened was that he was under his table levelling the legs and he dropped back onto his bum. He gave me a different version so I emailed it to them. He has ordered me to not talk to his Doctor or Nurses and they said not to pay any attention to him. He is advancing and lots of changes.
    He is really being petty and mean to me so I have to set the boundaries pretty tight for my well being.
    And so the week goes on. What is next?
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeJan 10th 2017
    Glad you are feeling better. Great that you have used this time (forced time) to reflect on things - like looking in from the outside. Keep working on getting your strength back and keeping the inner peace you have found.
    Yes, glad you are feeling better, Jazzy. Draw your line in the sand and take care of You. Kevan is in a cocoon of care, but you are not.