I guess I’m not really asking for advice (although if you have some for me it would be welcomed).
My DD isn’t sure if she wants to bring her children (8 and 13) to our house for Christmas gifts. The worst part of this is that the youngest grandchild really likes DH. I'm sure that this child would be heartbroken if not allowed to visit. DD said many things like “if you (meaning me) didn’t allow him to act the way that he does, he would act different,” “if he wants relationships with his family, he could act different,” “isn’t it funny that he has problems with so many of the family, it must be all his fault,” (This statement does not take into consideration the many things that “his family” has done to slight DH over the years. All of the blame was placed on DH. and that DH doesn't want the problems anymore. And that he has never in the past spoken-his-mind, and now he does.), I don’t know why you let him act the way he does,” “if you could guarantee that he won’t say something hurtful I might come over.” I responded with things like, “if your father was missing a leg or had cancer and it would be obvious that he had something wrong with him, would you have more compassion,” “however you handle it, just make sure that years down the road you have no regrets,” “Don’t you think that if I could make him act the way you want him to act that I would do something about it,” “What if he really has a problem and this is just the way he is now, and you knew it, would you still handle it the same way,” “If you don’t want to come over, will you at least give the kids a choice. May be they want to visit us anyway.” The conversation kind of went on and on and we finally ended the call corduroy. It is just so frustrating when family members don’t try to understand. When they just shut their mind to the fact that may be something that has caused this behavior change.” Sure, there is much more to this story over several years. It just really frustrates me that somehow she thinks that I can “make” him act different. Or even that he can chose to act differently.
My DH has ftd with behaviour variant. No filter, no insite, no empathy. Can be very nasty and very rigid. Everything has to be his way and at his time. No one can change him!! It's the disease!!! As MaryinPA said she needs to educate herself. There are some very good web sites that explain FTD in lay terms. Print some off or if she has a computer email them to her. The strange thing about my DH is that he loves children. Our granddaughter is 13 and he loves to visit with her and has no time for me or our daughter when she is there. Your DD sounds like she is in denial. I will be alone for most of the day on Christmas Day and will be checking this site so drop in if you need to vent.
Sounds like she is denial about her father. No suggestions beyond saying that his behavior is beyond everyone's control. That he can't help it and you can't help it and what of of FTD doesn't she understand. Considering how long it took me to accept my wife's lack of control I imagine how long it can take someone who isn't there 24/7. What you state you said sounds good.
Jazzy, my wife loves children and babies. She shows some tenderness to a handful of residents who are in very bad condition, which was a surprise to me.
My guy is so caring for the other residents and will get very vocal if a residents needs attention and is cared for immediately or if staff are short with them. He sings to them and hugs them. He has gotten a lady who was unresponsive to smile and sing with him. He seems to care so much for them and they call him to come over to them. I will just never understand this disease and how it affects each one so differently.
It seems like your situation is quite like mine when I was caring for my dear Helen. She didn't recognize me as her husband or care about me all that much. For her last eight months, I couldn't care for her at home anymore and I had to place her in a long term care nursing home. I visited her for three hours every day and would hold her hand and talk to her, but she seemed to enjoyed being close to other men. Either other clients or the staff that worked there. At the stage she was in, there was not much for her to be happy about, and when as she sat in her wheelchair in the hallway and would reach out to the janitor as he was walking by, and he would stop and talk to her and give her a little hug, I could see happiness in her face and it made me happy also. No matter what the situation, I still loved her and slightest smile on her face meant the world to me. I.ve learned that for a dementia caregiver and spouse, Happiness is very difficult to find........I wholeheartedly took what I could get.
He would rather be with the staff and residents then me. I find it very difficult to see this man that was so attentive to me prefer others. It just breaks my heart. Our phone conversations are getting shorter and less frequent and when I go there to visit we just don't have much to say to each other anymore. He still tells me he loves me but his mind is a ways on others. He will be walking with me and I will realize he is not with me anymore but has stopped and is talking to another resident. They look to him for assurance and comfort. I am happy he has found a purpose there. His memory is getting worse and he was found crying his heart out by one of the PSW's and she held him in talked to him until he was settled down. He was wanting things back as they used to be. I would like things back as they were as well but that isn't ever going to be again. It's Christmas morning and I am alone with my little Yorkie and I am so sad. What will it be like next year?
Jazzy I talked to two others yesterday, nothing to do with Alzheimer's, and got the same message, they were alone and sad. There are alot of people in this world alone and sad and I'll tell you what I told them. it will be better next year we have to have hope. If we loose hope we are lost.
Hang out with our friends at the lodge it is warm and cosy there.
Yeah, Jazzy, bring Willy and come on over to the Lodge. I saved the plush white afghan for you to put around yourself, and it is big enough for Willy to get in there with you, unless he wants to play with Bandit.
My wife's family and I had a celebration at my wife's ALF. We gave her presents and then I served the pumpkin pie I cooked, something she wanted very much. But she insisted on inviting her boyfriend to join us (her sisters protested but my wife simply left and returned with him). It was probably more awkward for the rest of the family than for me.
You must have a big heart to accept "the boyfriend," Paul. (And serve him your pumpkin pie!) FTD is so brutal, so much that you have to accept & endure. Hope that there are some happy moments for you during this Christmas season.
Good for you Paulc. I know a. Umber of times Lisa has asked me "do I have a girlfriend". I say do. Then I ask her "do you have a boyfriend" she says no but there are a couple that wouldn't mind. What do you do eh just accept. As long as she is happy I am happy.
That philosophy, "as long as she is happy then I am happy," is a good one, Rona and I know that is what I tried to do, (easy to say now that I am out of the trenches) but I feel so very sad for those of you still dealing with the heartbreaking reality of "now." Dementia takes a little bit more from you everyday so grab back any happiness you can from wherever you can and we will all applaud you.