Before starting this thread I looked at some of the words that have been written on this site about social isolation and difficulty meeting people. For my money, one of the best posts is by Joan. It's called, "Joan's Blog (11-24-14) - Part III - Isolation When Spouse in Facility or Has Died." In it, she reminds us that years of 24/7 caregiving has isolated us from friends, family, and activities and prevented us from making new friends. She also points out that freeing ourselves from the chains of imprisonment does not happen overnight. It often takes time, practice, and trial and error to find even one new friend with whom we feel comfortable.
So what can we do to get ourselves out into the world, even if just a little bit? I would suggest starting by identifying our strengths and weaknesses. I'm thinking that a number of factors are relevant. These include whether we are naturally outgoing, whether we have any interests or talents, whether our circumstances prevent us from interacting with others, whether we are physically fit, how long we have lived in our community, what that community offers in the way of social interaction and entertainments, etc.
As an example, I am quite introverted (a weakness when it comes to socializing), I have a strong interest in horticulture and landscape design (a strength) but outside of that, have no special talents, like acting, singing, or playing a musical instrument (a weakness). I still work for a living (a strength when it comes to socializing) but my work is solitary (a weakness). I have very arthritic knees (a weakness), I have lived and worked in my community for 30 years so I already know quite a few people (a strength) and there are a lot of things to do in my community and in nearby college towns (a strength). One thing I can see from this is that my socialization opportunities might improve if I force myself to be a little less introverted and if I could stop relying so heavily on solitary work. If I were more physically fit, I could join a birdwatching club or participate in some of the hands-on landscape courses offered by our extension service.
I think that it often takes more work to build a social life that we would expect. As Joan said in her blog, it takes time, practice, and trial and error. So I'm suggesting that instead of approaching socialization as a pleasant activity, we should (for a little while, at least) look at it as a job. Just as in our youth we suffered for the sake of beauty -- I'm talking to the women here -- we may now have to suffer for the sake of socialization. We must build on our strengths and try to counteract our weaknesses, even if it makes us miserable! So, . . . if you don't know anyone and live somewhere with few interesting activities, you might have to do something that does not interest you, just to meet other people. Like taking a bus trip, joining a church group, going to a meetup, taking a continuing ed. course, joining a community musical group, etc.
As an introvert and a person averse to joining any organized group, one of the best things I did was to join the Garden Club in our town years ago. Then it was kind of a disorganized motley group of garden folk but over the years, it became a highly organized civic organization with more "club" than "garden." Although I eventually stopped participating, being part of it introduced me to people who became friends and who, in turn, introduced me to other people and groups. Today, my neighbor (who at 79 says she is finally admitting she is a "senior") persuaded me to sign up for an exercise program at our Senior Center. It may not help me to walk more easily but maybe I will meet someone there who has interests similar to mine.
I'm hoping people who read this will be able to suggest some things that have worked for them.
I, too, have found socialization very hard. It takes a lot of energy. It's even harder with it getting cold and dark so early. But I have a dog "Goldie", a sweet Australian Sheppard, who insists on walking about my small town twice daily. It gets me into a conversation with people I pass by, and the shopkeepers who have dog treats. It is a start...
Myrtle, your post spoke to me. Socialization has been one of the most difficult things for me to deal with since his passing. I too am introverted and I dislike the small talk that most people tend to engage in. I did join a birdwatching group and I enjoy it. I really thought it would force me to go out more in the cold months but now that the cold is here I realize I much prefer the warm house. I too have tended to rely on isolating work which for the most part is okay as long as I am getting out enough. I am going to a craft fair today with a friend I met in the bearevement group and next weekend we r going to a play. Another thing I am observing is family relationships have changed. I have great kids and wonderful grandchildren and we do get together on holidays and such but so far I have been unable to have any of them over for a meal or an overnight as many grandparents do with their grandchildren. I tend to compare my grandma duties with what other grandparents do. Many of them are picking them up from school or babysitting on a regular basis. I do babysit if asked but not regularly. I simply do not have the desire. I honestly enjoy my quiet house, my work, I am in an exercise group, a couple knitting groups. The rude awakening too for me was that after the funeral no one calls. I realized it will be up to me to create a life. My brother is coming for,the holidays and staying with my sister. The honest truth is I have little in common with him anymore and since going through the Alz when people ask how are you I realize they just have no clue the devastation this disease has caused in our lives. I do not like being introverted but realize it is how God made me and I also realize that I do not need a lot of friends, maybe 1 or 2 that "get it" and I am good to go. Anyway thank you for your post.
Ok so here goes I started this on another thread but this seems more appropriate. As I have stated many times Lisa drilled into me that she would need to be placed at some point and I was to go on with my life, I have also talked about how I was trying to do that. Not an easy task. I know I am an outgoing person and know that at some point will want another woman in my life, my attitude the sooner the better we are not getting any younger. Having said that there is no point in just being in a relationship because you want one that could be a disaster.
So I put a profile on a dating site. Some may say how could you well I could. I read somewhere here that for some they have lost their soul mate and it is hard to move on, for others their relationship maybe not so good and it might be easier for them. Well our relationship certainly had rocky times but there was love and there was caring and there still is but the reality, what we had no longer exists, it is gone, finished, kaput! I am still there with Lisa but I will start a new life.
What I have learned, there are a lot of people out there looking on there own use single and. It happy they want something more out of life. Many on these sites for different reasons, some to get married, some for friendship and companionship, and yes probably a lot to just hook up. So I have sent notes to a some women, some respond some don't, I have received notes from some women, we have chatted back on forth on line. I have also gone on some dates and met some nice women. If one of these turns into something wouldn't that be great if it doesn't it has got me communicating with others, engaged with people who are not living in the dementia world. I reached the point where I realized I could not just keep living in that world. I know there are horror stories about on line dating but it is anonymous and going in with your eyes open I think is an easy way to make a first step. Of course I have a fairly thick skin and can take rejection without getting my bum in a knot. But I have to say I have always been honest about my situation, don't prodcast it but it will come up, and when it does have not found people running the other way in fact have found the opposite.
Now I am not preaching, not trying to tell anybody what to do, just telling my story and what I think works for me. Just wanted to share.
My brother and his wife met online - not a dating site but through others online. That was 15 years ago. I also know others who have been successful meeting someone online. We all hear the horror stories, but as long as you keep going as you are with your eyes open and honesty, I can only see positives from it for you. As long as my husband is still home I am limited. Once he is placed, my life will go on, maybe better than it has been, maybe worse or no worse.
Abby, I would earmark the day as a day of reflection and peace. Treat yourself like an honored acquaintance and plan a day that is centered around your own enjoyment. Foods that you like, maybe a new DVD or book to curl up with. Maybe a church service, and/or a long walk. Maybe some phone calls with out-of-town friends or relatives. Things like that.
I will be getting up, going to our local McDonald's that will be the only thing open and having breakfast. I plan to open a my gift alone and the off to the LTC with my DH's gifts and stay to have lunch with him then come home to an empty house for the first time in my life. It will be hard but the afternoon will be spent, as Elizabeth suggested, reading and watching a, hopefully, good Christmas movie. I have a couple of Bing Crosby ones so they will come out of the cabinet. I realize it maybe tearful but it is all I have and maybe next year I will not be going for lunch with him so I best try to enjoy this one. I will be on here if anyone wishes to chat so watch for me on Christmas Eve and Day.
MsAbby I will spend Christmas Day alone as well. This will be the 3rd year doing so. Like Elizabeth and Jazzy suggested, I do things that bring me peace that day. I decorated a Christmas tree this year for the first time in 5 years and see that as progress. I will enjoy the lights, go for a walk, sit by the fire, and eat and drink what I want. After my husband went into a facility I got 2 gorgeous and funny cats. After he died I got 5 chickens. They are great company and really help the house not feel empty. Well the chickens aren't in the house but you get what I mean.
I found the last several Christmas seasons incredibly difficult. This year I am letting myself enjoy the simple pleasures of it. Finally, I am feeling slightly lighter in terms of the devastation dementia brought to my life.
People often check in here and we are all here for each other.
It's always good to see you, Katherine, and to know that you are feeling lighter. I like the sound of your cats and chickens. My family once ran a chicken farm (100 birds) when I was 13, and I always enjoyed seeing how busy they were. Not much behind those yellow eyes, though. Your cats will give more affection back to you.
Thank you Mary for your lovely comments. My cats do give me great affection. I also love the chickens and find them meditating. I sit with them having a cup of coffee or glass of wine and watch their simple joy in tiny moments. And as you say how busy they are. :-) Bonus having gorgeous organic free range eggs as well. I do lots of gardening and love growing my own food. I always wanted to be a farmer and having chickens is the closest I will come. :-))
What kind are they? We've had Bantam and Leghorns. I used to love hearing their busy, soft cluck-cluck as they put their heads down and searched around for something to eat.
I am not sure Mary. I got them from a heritage breeder and they are all different. I only have 5 chickens and 2 of them have feathers on their legs. I know I have an Ameraucana as she lays blue colored eggs. The others lay various shades of brown eggs. One is a Buff Orpington but I don't know the breeds of the other three. I knew nothing about chickens before this adventure and it has been a nice diversion as I deal with the death of my husband.
I finally decided that I need to do something for me. I have been eyeing this beautiful down filled parka for a year now but would not order it, but today I Did it. I ordered the coat. It's purple. PURPLE!! No will be able to say they didn't see me. It is long, below the knees and has a fur trim on the hood. I am tired of being cold when I go out shopping. I have some nice off white yearn in my box and I am going to knit a long scarf to go with it. I just can't wait to get it here.
It is reassuring that I am not the only one. Lots of us are alone. Drive to McDonalds in the morning & then check post office box. Walk with dog Goldie and then yummy foods. And, yes, get a "Chicken Fix. " The teen across the road raises chickens and sells me eggs. I bring her vegie scrapes and dried out shells. She holds her hens and pets them, telling me their latest stories. I have a gift for her from Michaels, a nice pencil kit and an adult coloring book (dogs and cats). And I need eggs. It will help fill in the afternoon. Then Netflix. And Christian Brothers Brandy. Time to build some new traditions. Really appreciate the your sharing...
If I sounded excited about my new coat, I was. The last coat I bought was 10 years ago, it is the only winter jacket I own. I was going through my closet last week and the only new clothes I have bought are pj's. Not one new sweater, pants, skirt or dress in 14 years and must are older. I must look like a rag-a-muffin. I guess when he was diagnosed or when I first saw the symptoms I must have just forgot about me. It was all for him. I have bought him new clothes because of his weight gain but nothing for me. I also find the styles now for my size, larger, and age just don't suit me. I think after Christmas I will hit the sales and try to find something suitable to replace my old friends. I hope to help me start something new in my life.
That sounds fabulous! Lots of the sales are pre-Christmas now too, and lots of people out to see what the latest styles are like. Feels good to look in the closet and see something new and pretty on. And then to find you can mix and match! Gloves, scarves and coat! Sounds like a good project...
"I hope to help me start something new in my life."
I believe it helped me quite a bit to not expect too much for some time - just to invest when I have that spirit.
I recommend shopping for a new coat with it in mind that if the one you buy doesn't work out as well as you hoped, you get a second and even a third shot at getting one that you really do like. If budget is an issue, you can take your second shot at it next christmas. You can donate the first one to the needy or have two coats.
I believe that in most cases, it's much harder to genuinely authorize ourselves to have real life than it is to survive and give what we do for our other half.
That's easy to understand because caregiving dementia is brutal. It's harsh, destructive, and brutal to any human spirit and that brutality goes on for years. Our entire personality gets waterboarded repeatedly and survival of that depends on us being able to put ourselves aside.
No one comes afterwards and refurbishes any of that. It only feels like no one cares about you. The truth is few are even thinking about you except to keep you going in your job of continuing. We learn this when our other half passes because that is the instant when this meaning also passes and it's marked by everybody involved disappearing.
A new coat won't solve that. But starting to learn how to care about ourselves more is priceless. I would shop for a coat, buy one, and not expect too much from this one step. Any little thing we learn about caring for ourselves more in genuine ways (to us), is going to be priceless afterwards because I'm certain that is a necessary component to learning to gain our spirit again.
Like others in this thread, I've had difficulties with the isolation that caregiving brought. On Thursday I went out to lunch with a large group of people in a local meet-up for people who were divorced or separated, and it was good to get out and talk; still, their experiences are very different from mine.
This year I won't be decorating for Christmas. I've done it most years in the recent past, aside from the Christmas my wife and I spent in the retirement home. Now that my wife is in her assisted living facility (doing well, at least as well as can be expected) it would feel strange to spend the time and effort decorating for just me. Instead I'll make the six-hour drive to see my family in Maryland--my parents and siblings, their kids, and my old high school friends. It will be the second major holiday I've been apart from my wife, the first being this past Thanksgiving. I feel regret and guilt and everything else that most of you have been through. But I think it will be good for me, and my wife won't notice the difference.
Take a look at yourself and see what changes you have made you may be surprised. Tiny steps can actually be huge gains considering what has to be overcome. I think this is a long hard road then I look at what I have done in the last 5 months since placement and realize I have done well, with both feet still in the Alzheimers world it doesn't always feel like it.
I have lost 20 pounds never thought that would happen. It was a 3 part diet program, started with stress, then moved into the flu (wouldn't recommend this stage), then realized hey I have lost weight and if I am ever going to reach a weight that I want this is a good start. So I started getting more exercise and cutting down on my Intake. I am amazed and feel really good about this. Then of course no clothes that fit so had to buy some new ones. Feeling good about that as well. Jazzy the new coat is going to be great.
Have gone through a lot of growth over the last number of months told you I started dating, this is not an easy process. realized that between my first wife and Lisa I have basically been in a committed relationship for the last 45 years a lot has changed since then. Have to learn how to navigate this new world. Learned that I do not need to be in a relationship just to be in one. That having a compatable companion to do things with is what I am comfortable with right now. Slow and easy had a wonderful time last night. Christmas party at good friends, fabulous food, loads of good banter, some quitar playing and singing all fun. And yes I took a date she was accepted right away friends are all happy to see me doing this. we both enjoyed ourselves.
Back to the Alzheimers world I will probably be joining you here for part of Christmas Day but that is ok. Good to be with friends.