My partner is quietly carrying two onions around the house at the present time. I will have to find them later. I have created quite a number of changes around the house recently in the name of safety, although I sometimes wonder. Our front door is dead bolted when we are in the house together. Our back hall is filled and blocked with a basket of poisons, the laundry basket, the trash basket, the recycle bin, the mops and brooms and plunger, and grabber and foot stools. All things I need to access daily. But the back hall is now full. I wonder how the fire department will get in in case of an emergency. I really can't let myself think about that. When I joined this website Last January one wonderful man (sorry I don't remember who) told about every night how he moved a heavy bookcase in order to block the stair case. I remembered, and now every night I make sure everything I might need is in the bedroom, and I block off the front half of our apartment with our dining room chairs. This is so she will not get lost in the night in a home we have shared for 14 years. She can, and does on occasion, move these chairs, but there is no way she can do so without waking me up. I tried alarms but they upset her too much. The shower chair is turned upside down in the shower, something that disturbs her when she looks behind the curtain, but is necessary so as not to get confused with another fixture. I've taken the nobs off the stove, only now I've misplaced the one that goes on the oven, so I guesstamate the heat when I cook and bake. I just found a new home for knives, which she had ignored until recently. When guests are over for supper I tell them where to find hand towels if they need to use the facilities. There is no more room in top shelves or the back hall.

Now my love is carrying around a loaf of bread. I'm not so worried about the bread. It will only get stale if not found. Not so with the onions. I really needed the week's respite time I took a couple of weeks ago. I'm far less stressed now. Picked her up afterwards, at the NH, to find her forlorn, sitting in a wheel chair behind the nursing station, with a pressure sensitive alarm. Her attitude this time was almost disbelief at seeing me, rather than joy. She slept most of the way home. She settled right in, and walks about with help of grabbing on to furniture. We are gently affectionate with each other. It seems that hugs are our only way of communicating. She has lost 99% of all nouns. She follows verbal directions when accompanied with gentle physical guidance.

Took time out to find the onions. She is now lying on the bed, with bread on bedside table. The one thing I am having to learn about are her panic attacks. They are new to me. These have been occurring on occasion the last few months. Present solution is one Ativan. I told her doctor I was doing this, and have her consent. There is no reasoning with her when she has an attack, and I just feel lucky to get the pill into her. Last night’s was precipitated by a severe thunder storm which came through. She couldn’t understand that I couldn’t make it stop.

So this is my life. This is her life. I had my “wellness physical” a week ago. Doctor prescribed medication for “situational depression”. I did some research and decided that just because I did have depression it did not mean I needed medication at this time. (I believe everyone in our situation on this page has some level of “situational depression”.) I think I will know if/when I need it. Sometimes it is enough for me just to write down what it is that is going on with the both of us and send it off to you, my support group. Thanks all.

My partner is up again now. Maybe I’ll get us ready and we can go to Pancake House.